"Oh Tiresias, the blind Greek prophet of Thebes, who possessed clairvoyant abilities and who turned into a woman for several years, who was condemned to Hyades with his head turned backwards. Could you not have foreseen the calamity I befell? Or were you contempt that I would join you in the state of delirium. How foolish was I, not to believe Cassandra, who tried to forewarn me of what would transpire. But Aphrodite consumed my world and I became blind to what would happen and what was happening."

A story like this should never be told, my story must go unheard except for the whispering of the higher species of the universe. The utterance of my name conjures aerial poison, low, it's worse than that. I am a bacterium that attacks your nervous system leaving you paralyzed and hopeless, but I exist nonetheless. I am a woman of lust, but I was not always consumed by lust, once I was different. My name is Zahra Abdul Hamid, but you may know me as Cassandra the fallen and this is a story of how a Muslim-Salafist girl from Jordan became an American Porn Star. How Zahra became Cassandra. It's also a story of the many rebellious Muslim girls I met along the way.

In the beginning

I was born in the Jordanian capital, Amman, to a Salafist family originally form Zarqa. My father is a businessman, he runs a successful car-dealership and I am his fourth daughter and I have two younger brothers. The other three daughters are married and older that I, I was expected to follow in their path too, which I was more than pleased with at the time. I was a very pious girl, untouched and clean and the Salafist message really resonated with me. Unlike other Salfists you may have encountered, we are not Wahabis like the Saudis or Egyptians. We have our own traditions here in Jordan. For many years we followed the teachings of Sheikh Nasiruddin Al-Albani, who was an Albanian-Syrian scholar expelled from Syria and made home in Jordan.

From him I learned a distain for tradition, Al-Albani blamed blind fanaticism to old traditions to have stifled free-thought and enquiry and this led to the backwardness of Muslim civilisation. As a young Jordanian girl who felt weighed down by cultural expectations, which in many cases, were in conflict with Islamic teachings, this resonated with me. He also despised Wahabism and was open to forms of Sufism and mysticism, which set him apart from other Salafists. Salafists put a lot of emphasis on Islamic study and reaching a personal understanding, while forgoing traditional Islamic schools of thought. I became proficient in my studies of Classical Arabic, Theology, Hagiography, Jurisprudence, Levels of Grammar, Rhetoric, Logic, Philosophy and Exegesis.

I was a-typical for most girls my age, I already had more advance knowledge of religion than most adults. These studies enabled me to study other things, my mind has always been curious. I learnt Greek philosophy, rhetoric, mythology and dramas, which later led me to French, German, British and American literature. I was also very good at mathematics, which enabled me to study at college in America years later.

But the real change came when I started having dreams. I would find myself in the middle of a desert with no one around; suddenly an abandoned house would appear. Oddly, it looks like a farm house or cottage in the middle of the desert. There are haystacks outside, the house looks old and there is a candle on the door, which provides a glowy fiery light and is the only source of light except for the moon. I walk over to this house and grab the candle and enter the house, there is only one room, a stool, wooden table and haystack everywhere. I take a seat on the stool and a book appears on the little table. I open the book and discover it a photo album and the content shocks me.

Pictures of Muslim girls some in hijabs, veils and other forms of coverings, and their faces are covered in thick white liquid and then I hear the door slam behind me. I turn around, but no one's there, then I hear a voice purporting to be Aphrodite. She whispers sweet nothings into my ears and suddenly I am transported to an enchanted forest, the trees have dicks and I find myself sucking on them like a greedy overweight guy. I would wake up at this point and find that I had either been touching myself or wet the bed. It was really weird, but I tried to think nothing of it. I continued through pray, studies and hard-work to go through life.

I tuned 18 and I was sent to travel to America to study, I managed to get into Berkeley, but I couldn't decide whether I wanted to study pure Mathematics or combined in with Economics too. After reaching Berkeley and producing an interesting paper on Number Theory and possible implication for Computer Science, I decided combing with another subject was the best way to go. I began taking classes in Biology and Philosophy, but would end up Majoring in Math and Minoring in Biology. I dreamed of moving to Silicon Valley and finding my own technology company.

But it was soon after moving to Berkeley that I encountered my first challenge to would lead me on the road to porndom. My roommate Suri Suharto (no relation to the former Indonesian President), she was an Indonesian Javanese Muslim girl, who had become a feminist and studied Gender Studies and English Literature. We would have long conversations and arguments, she was wild and out of control, not entirely rational or so I thought at the time. She was very similar to Femen activists, she even did a topless protest outside the Indonesian Embassy to protest some laws that had come into effect in Indonesia.

On the first night, I heard her having sex with two guys in her bed, I covered my ears, but they were so loud and animalistic. She gave them a rough time, she wasn't being submissive they were. This was the first time I had encountered people having sex, but at the time I thought it had no effect on me. On the contrary, it made me more conservative for I could see how western materialism could corrupt people. My hijab grew tighter, as did my pussy, as I like to joke. It would be a while before I would learn the joy of fucking. Instead, I began shunning my old Salafism and turning to more towards hard-line anti-Superstition, legalistic and rationalised Salafism. I stopped wearing jeans and chose baggy clothing. I wanted to hide my figure, it was too sexualistic and I hated that.

I joined the Muslim Students Association (MSA) and became a keen organizer for them at women's events. I encouraged a Turkish girl, Afro-American and white-convert to wear the full face veil, although I didn't myself. I became head of the women's section as soon as the post became available. I spent my time fighting 'corruption' and I was slowly drawn into an Islamist political movement called the Hizb, who operated on campus. My Salafism up until this point had been a-political, but the Hizb encouraged political and social action to re-instate Islam in the Muslim world and to turn Western Muslims back to Islam. They weren't Salafists, but they allowed Salafists in.

I was their bulldog, assigned to help sisters back into the deen (faith), combat feminism and take control of the Muslim Students Association, who at the time had a zero-tolerance attitude towards allowing the Hizb a platform. As head of the women's section for both organisations, I would organise seminars and workshops and produce pamphlets. I wrote an Islamic response towards western feminism, I spent weeks reading Feminist and Islamic text and produced a paper, which I circulated to Muslim female students. Surprisingly, all of this activism did not prevent me from getting top grades in my classes.

My first year of college was very productive and I was eyeing myself up for presidency of the MSA for the following year. I also met Suha, a Kurdish-American girl, who became my little project during my first year of college. Suha was struggling with her faith, she wore Hijab (headscarf), but was becoming more Americanized in her thinking. She felt constantly tempted by the fruits offered by American society. She was still a virgin, but confessed that she had exposed her private parts to guys on a number of occasions and was afraid that she was out of control. My friendship with her brought her back into line and six-months after first meeting; she was cured of these alignments.

By the end of the year, I had been elected MSA president and I was at the top of my game. I rarely thought about sex, I didn't have time and I didn't want too. Not only was I the president of MSA, but I had many other extra-circular activities from writing columns for the student newspaper, organizing with the Hizb, producing scientific articles and do extra scientific research with professors and fighting feminism, I had little time for much else. But all of this activism would lead me to a mental breakdown and crash, which would prove to be the turning point.

It was coming up to the end of my second year and I had been so over-worked, that I hadn't paid close attention to Suha. She was starting to go off the rails and she blamed me for her lapses, she stopped wearing hijab and started wearing tighter clothes. I was unable to confront her, because I was so caught up in my own world. She became more extreme by the day and even joined the feminists, which really stung me. Then I heard she had lost her virginity in a massive sex orgy with 4 guys and two girls. I was devastated and the shock hit me hard. I fell to the floor. My project had failed and I had failed.

I also noticed some other Muslim girls going in a similar direction and this triggered a personal crisis for me. This personal crisis did not stop me from being re-elected the President of the MSA, but I was a scared woman. I couldn't understand why or how sex could send so many astray, I was perplexed and flabbergasted by the whole affair. I began doubting everything from my faith to my mission in life. I became so curios to know why, that I went onto the internet and started watching porn for the first time and I was shocked by it. I didn't know what to think of it at first, when I closed my eyes at night all I could see was penetration.

I began wetting the bed and within days, I couldn't stop watching the stuff, I had become addicted. I tried to carry on with my MSA and school work, but I found it difficult to keep up appearances and when I did appear, I had to pretend I was who I was before. I would find myself sneaking of the toilets to masturbate, it was a very confusing time. I am still not sure how I came to do it, but one day, I was suffering the web and found an advertisement for webcam girls. Something triggered within me and I ended up applying for the position. I had to send nude shots of myself and was invited to interview. I got the position and then I found myself in this bizarre position of being publicly pious and privately an internet whore.

The months that followed were a cognitive dissonance for me, the contradictions between the two life-styles were confusing and I knew eventually once life-style would triumph the other. I will admit I found the wild-double life a turn-on and I noticed my sexuality really developing from it. Let me tell you about my first webcam show.

I turned up to a studio that was set-up like a bedroom, I was greeted by the director and sent into a changing room. I would earn $400 for 4 hours work. But nobody knew this, but I was still a virgin at the time and I had no plans to lose my virginity. I dressed up in a series of outfits, which included school girl, cheerleader and nurse. There was a table on my side and out of shot that had a range of toys from double-ended dildos, vibrators and other toys. Was I worried about being recognised and exposed? No, you know why? Because no one I knew, knew what I looked like outside hijab or loose clothing.

I began the webcam show dressed in school girl outfit, "Hello guys, its Cassandra and I am option number 1. I am new and fresh and await your company, so get dialling and show a shy virgin a good time." I made the name Cassandra up while walking into the studio and it became my stage name. I didn't have to wait long before I was inundated with phone calls. I was shocked, surprised and aroused by what guys were telling me to do. Using a water bottle I wet my panties, it was a very messy evening and surprisingly, I didn't feel any guilt while I was doing it. I was transformed into an exhibitionist, it was hypnotic and I felt like I had entered into a transcendent state like I was a Greek female prophet from Delphi, it was just so natural.

But this did not stop me from my public piety and I justified that life was a public performance and we are all actors who wear different masks. I have many layers to me and the religious mask enables me to do good works and the other mask allows me to fulfil myself. We all need balance in order to be a psychologically healthy individual and these two traits balanced me and kept me sane. I would be speaking at Islamic conferences one minute of the day and the next minute of the day I would be inserting a double-ended dildo into my pussy and asshole for paying men on the internet.

It took me a further 8 months before I had hit rock bottom, the contradictions and religious doubt were eating away at me. Finally, when my term as president of the MSA came to an end, I did not seek re-election. I dropped out of the Hizb too and went into mini-isolation, I wanted to lead the other life-style completely. I had suspended reason and faith and decided to live for pleasure instead. It was then that I decided to enter into the porn industry for real.

A date was set for my first shoot and the subject of the film was risky, it was set in the Muslim world and was about US Marines raiding a building and taking us prisoner. In fact it was the first of a five part film about sexy Muslim women and I was set to be in all five. Trouble was that I was still a virgin and would in effect be losing my virginity on camera. The director managed to find another 8 disaffected Muslim girls to take cock on camera and would you guess who two of them were, Suha the Kurd and my ex-project and Suri my Indonesian roommate. Most of us who turned up for the shoot were girls who wanted to explore our sexuality and we wanted to celebrate that, despite coming from a Muslim culture.

We wanted to educate the world that Muslim women loved sex and there were many nymphomaniacs in our ranks. The director would entitled the five-films 'How to Fuck Muslim Girls' and was intended to shock as well as arouse. So we started the first film and me and the other girls were in a mud brick house talking about how much we hated the Americans. The Marines burst in and took us all prisoner.

I was taken to an interrogation and two marines would ask me question and I would yell at them in Arabic. When they didn't get the answers they wanted they would start slapping me across the face and hitting me. Eventually one pulled out his dick and I semi-froze because this was the first time I had seen a dick and it was a nice big American one. Really meaty and aggressive looking. He forced my mouth open and I was forced to suck, but his cock was too big for my tiny mouth and he had to force it in and down my throat. I sucked him off and he came in my mouth, I was then forced to suck the other dick.

After sucking two cocks, they pulled me off the chair and began pounding, licking, fingering and fucking my ass and pussy. My eyes opened wide and looked like they were going to jump out of their sockets when they first penetrated me. My pussy stretched on camera and there were close up shots of my vagina opening up or being ripped open. Both men came in both holes and then pushed me onto the floor and stood over me and jizzed on my face and headscarf. I was now their whore and I swallowed all their cum, I even squeezed their cum out of my pussy and ass and dangled it off my finger and then swallowed.

There were close ups of my ass as it overflow with cum and dripped out. We shot a number of scenes. But despite being exhausted, I was happy at what I had become. It was not long before we shot the second film, where we took our revenge, we were all dressed in hijab but with latex outfits and headscarfs and we kidnapped the marines and sexually tortured them in a BDSM film. We filmed many other films and we did them within weeks of each other. They were released within 24 hours of each other over 5 nights and caused a huge storm. We won awards for these films and it launched my porn career.

Of course there were many costs too, I became a hated figure among the Muslims on campus and I had stopped wearing the Hijab and started wearing sexy American clothing. I even began helping other girls from a Muslim background get into the industry and I even began writing about it. I produced articles in leading adult magazines about my experiences and the girls I had encountered.

I didn't only do Muslim girl shoots, I had a latex summer, where I made normal porno films and I also took on other personas. But the Muslim girl look resonated more with me, because it represented what I use to be and had deep symbolic meaning about the relationship between east and west. Studying in America had opened my legs as well as my mind. I did everything BDSM, gangbang, girl girl and many more things. I love this country and wanted to give back and what better way than my pussy.

Pretty soon I had graduated from Berkeley with honors and decided to dedicate myself full-time to the industry. I became well known and found my own line of fetish Muslim girl outfits, which sold really well and I began exploring sexuality in essays and erotic fiction. I became friends with an ex-radical Muslim girl called Haifa who uses to work for the Republican Party. She was an erotic writer with some New York publications and we got together and co-authored and co-edited books about sexuality in Muslim culture. We even did a lesbian scene together on webcam while we were both dressed in a long black veil.

I released dvd's of my work, including one dedicated to cum shots of my face, which sold out and we had to distribute more to suppliers. I was hot stuff and I came out with my on range of toys and lingerie. Every time I would conduct interviews on camera, I would wear something slutty with a hijab on my head. This was my image and I wanted to be identified by my unique look. I did fetish modelling and sold pictures of myself, I had effective founded a mini-empire based on myself and this image of the Muslim girl. Men would write to me and ask me how to get a Muslim girl they knew into bed and want to do with her.

I grow wealthy of the proceeds of lust and had more money than I knew what to do with. I grow tired of only starring in films and decided to direct and produce them too. I made some really hard-core stuff and I explored some of the stories of Muslim girls that I would read about in letters to me. It took a few years but I became a naturalized American citizen and there seemed no end to my porn empire. I love being a porn star and there is something in the air in America that makes a girl want to become one.

But soon I began running into financial problems and soon my returns were not matching my income and I grew into debt. It's because of this that I have decided to do this gimmick, but I wanted to write this story first so that you would appreciate me and understand where I am coming from. I've always rejected tradition from my youth until the present and know I am rejecting porn tradition. A group of ten men encircle me and they play with themselves as they prepare to jizz on my naked body (except for the hijab I wear). Behind them are another ten men and then another. In total 150 men will cum on me today.
The first group squirt all over me and I am forced to lick myself clean, but do not have time before the next group move in. This pattern repeats itself and I am socking in cum, but I have reinstated my porn career. But remember that while I like being cum on, that I am not a dumb doll, but that I come from somewhere and I have a mind and deserve to be respected and that's why I wrote this piece. I would encourage other Muslim girls to explore themselves sexually and not be afraid. Contrary to what many think, it did not end in disaster for me and in fact I am quite liberated for it. We need to talk about Muslim female sexuality.