Foreword

I suggest those of you who hated Part One take an early bath because this is more of the same. All I can ask those of you who hate what you read, but read it all the same and complain about it, is that you read carefully. We all spend our lives learning from our mistakes and my characters make lots. It's what makes us interesting and human. My point is to raise powerful emotions and it's for you to discover what to do with them. I suppose therefore I must accept that abuse is in the range of valid responses.

And to answer some of those who commented on my throw-away remark in my previous foreword about The Duel being a story of redemption: remember that in England assisting a terminally ill person to die is murder. I tried to make clear that Suzie didn't help Stan die because she believed in euthanasia but because in her own way she loved him. At the end, when he needed her most, she was there for him and risked everything to give him what he wanted, gaining nothing in return. I couldn't think of a greater sacrifice a person could make. In doing it she was attempting to atone for her errors and I thought her noble. But I accept that few read it that way, so it's down to me to do better next time. Maybe a male writer is always inclined to fall in love with his female lead in spite of her bad behaviour – or perhaps because of it. It was Flaubert who said of another famous adulteress: 'Madame Bovary, c'est moi.'

Now back to Caroline alone – and don't you just love her? Only kidding...



Copyright MortonGrange 2013




Part Two

Caroline rose on the morning of her London trip disheartened by the complexities of her life. Jack was up early too and she was disconcerted by his calm and purposeful actions as he prepared breakfast, listened to the news on the radio, made lunch for the children and packed their sandwich boxes, roused then from bed and into their school clothes. This was all routine, but she wondered what was different and why she was uncomfortable.

"What's up Jack?" she asked eventually when she'd finished rushing about and was ready to leave.

"Busy day. Lot going on."

"Work? I'm sorry I can't get back tonight. Not fair you having to do the school run morning and night, but I'll make up next week."

"Not a problem."

"Jack, you must take more care of yourself. You work too hard and you never seem to relax. When I get back from this trip I'll make sure you get some fun."

"That's good of you, but really I'm fine. I have lots of fun with the children."

They looked at one another until Caroline picked up her overnight bag and briefcase and aimed a kiss at his lips, making contact with the corner of his mouth.

"Take care," she said with a twinge of alarm.

"You be careful," he responded. "And don't bother calling tonight. I may take the children out to eat and I shan't answer my phone while we're out."

"Don't stay out late."

"You too."

He turned away. She knew something was wrong but had to go despite the anxiety lodged in the back of her mind. There was no time to worry about it now or she'd miss her train. She drove to the station struggling to make sense of what had happened. What did he mean: "Don't ring"? Of course she'd call and he could at least text to assure her the children were okay. It sounded more as if he didn't want to speak to her.

It was a relief to get onto the train and put the confusions of family behind her for a while at least.

Damien was waiting for her and as always he was wonderful, soothing her anxieties at once and bringing to the day the expectation of adventure. He was in high spirits, his lover wholly in his grasp for a while, and was fizzing with ideas for what she should do. They quickly agreed the itinerary: shopping in the morning; lunch; check in to the hotel; afternoon rest; evening performance of Anything Goes, the Cole Porter musical showing in a highly praised revival in the West End; dinner; bed. It was a dream day.

They stopped for lunch with the anticipation of an afternoon at the hotel making them ravenous. Damien found a chic oyster bar in Fitzrovia and wanted her to drink champagne. She'd have rather kept her head clear, but accepted a glass to drink with her smoked salmon and cream cheese in an artisan brown bread sandwich. They sat on tall stools at the bar, leaning together and kissing between mouthfuls.

"To many happy days like this," toasted Damien, clicking her glass with his.

Before she could reply his phone rang and he spoiled the moment by answering.

She sipped her wine and took a bite of her sandwich and watched the colour drain out of his face.

"What the fuck!" He was staring angrily ahead of him, phone pressed hard against his ear. "Are you sure? That can't be right. An email from me? But I'm not at work. I've not looked at my private emails this morning. This must be a mistake. I'll call you back."

Damien put down his phone and pulled out his iPad.

"What's the matter Dam? What's happened?"

He didn't answer at once but fiddled with his iPad. "Give me a moment. Something's come up."

She stared at him, food forgotten. This wasn't some ordinary work problem. He spent minutes tapping away, then picked up his phone and made a call.

"I can't see the message. There's nothing here in my email account. Are you sure this isn't some scam? Send me a copy."

He put down his phone, but before she could say anything, it rang again. This time he looked grim as he listened in silence and ended the call with a "Yes sir."

Now he had time to look at her and it felt as if he was angry with her.

"Someone's playing games and sent a message from my private email account this morning to everyone on my contact list. Apparently it says we're having an affair and claims we got together at your work."

"But how could they and how come it was sent from your email?" Caroline was lost in the implications of what Damien was telling her. "You mean..."

"... Some bastard has hacked my account, told everyone about you and made derogatory comments about your employers as if they are my professional views. That was my boss on the phone. The email's already been copied to your people and they're demanding to know what I've been up to. Shit! You know how some of them hated our recommendations and now they're demanding to know whether I was straight with them or whether I let you influence me unduly."

They stared at one another. Her mind softened by romance, Caroline was still struggling to absorb what had happened. It couldn't be serious. It must be a mistake that would soon be sorted out. So what if people at work knew about her and Dam? Did that matter? Of course it mattered, because of Jack. Every few moments there was the sound of a text message arriving on his phone. He glanced at these and his iPad and shook his head.

"Look Caroline, I have to go back."

"But you can't." Caroline was fighting tears of frustration and rising panic. "How can this affect us?"

"Come off it Caroline. Your crapulous husband must have done this. It's obvious when you think about it. You remember the lunch that went missing from my fridge?" He stopped and thought for a moment. "Yes that's it. The bastard's been in my house. This is some kind of sick revenge. He must have sent the message. Where is he now?"

"At work." Caroline paused and concentrated her thoughts. "But what do you mean Dam? Jack doesn't know about us. I'm sure about that. Only this morning..." Her voice tailed off as she remembered Jack's implacable calm as she got ready to leave. Why did she insist he knew nothing? The horror of her situation suddenly gripped her throat and she choked on a crumb of artisan bread.

Damien turned his iPad to face her. Full screen and with a startling depth of colour was her graduation portrait. What was he doing with that? She collapsed into tears.

***

The door closes on Caroline and it's time to act. Jack knows he's let fear and depression paralyse him for too long. All the same, he goes through his mental checklist, reminding himself of the business cliché that every problem is an opportunity. The children: he must protect them, but this lie of a family is not good for them. Caroline: there's no future for his marriage to an unfaithful and lying wife; he's not responsible for her and the good times they shared cannot hold the future hostage. Money, home and practical matters: there are happy families that live on virtually nothing; one way or another they will get by. Work: screw work. He knows what to do and has the energy to do it. Yes, he's waited too long, but now it's time to pull the house down and share out the pain.

He gets the children into the car and gives them letters for their teachers.

"It's to tell them I'm picking you up at lunchtime," he explains. "I have to see a man this afternoon and I can't be sure of getting back in time for the end of school. We'll go together and make it a holiday."

"Do you mean I don't have to go to my double French lesson this afternoon?" asks Ben.

"Correct. Just this once. I'll test you on your vocabulary list in the car."

"I'll shan't have singing with Miss Pritchett. She has scabs on her hands and sniffs," says Amy happily.

"We'll have dinner on the way home," adds Jack.

"Awesome," says Ben. "I'd like fish and chips with lots of vinegar and ketchup."

"You'll have to be good first, then I'll see what we can do."

The mood in the car lightens and they sing songs as they drive to school. Jack drops them off and once more takes the road to Dixborough, but this time without the pain and confusion of earlier visits.

He stops directly outside Damien's house, puts on his surgical gloves, rings the bells and after a pause takes his key out and lets himself in. He goes directly to the computer and switches on. Opening Damien's email he turns to the sent file and searches for a message he's previously seen. It's a round robin message of the most facile and excruciating kind sent by Damien at Christmas to about a hundred recipients, updating them with photos on his activities in the last year – successes at work, new house, holidays, surfing in Australia, sky diving in Arizona, skiing in the Tyrol. Then there are the rugby matches and leagues he's won, the tries he's scored and the man of the match awards received, and then the charity work and the local politics. By his own assessment he's a very worthy man.

Jack skim-reads the message to remind himself of its glib, self-congratulatory style, then cuts and pastes the list of recipients into a new message. It's clear from the names that family members are included, friends from work and acquaintances from his various past-times. He opens another email which contains a copy of a work email including a number of business contacts, including some from Caroline's work. Again he copies the email addresses into his new message. Shutting everything from his mind, he starts to write.

"Greetings to family, friends and work colleagues. I have hot news for you all. Open the attachment and raise a glass to my gorgeous new girlfriend Caroline. Isn't she a knockout? And what a great time we've been having (you bet she's never short of energy). Found the sleeping beauty on one of my consultancy missions to the outer edge of civilisation. God were her employers an unattractive, stupid and venal bunch of losers. I swatted them like bluebottles and darling Caroline's my prize. The only downside is she's married with two young children. But I'm working on it and I'll let you know when I've unstitched her from her deadbeat husband. Then we'll be visiting so you can meet her in the flesh – and what flesh!"

Jack takes out a memory stick and uploads a file as an attachment to the email. It's a portrait photograph of Caroline taken at her MBA graduation and she's smiling to camera, radiant and innocent on her day of triumph – a picture Jack has always admired.

He hits "send", deletes the saved copy of the message, removes his memory stick and turns off the machine. Twenty minutes after entering the house he's back in his car on the road out of Dixborough, determined he'll never visit the place again. On the way, he throws the copied door key out of the window. He's feeling better than he's done for days.

He goes home, showers and changes for his afternoon appointment, picks up a change of clothes, games consoles and books for Ben and Amy, eats lunch and goes to collect his children.

Eight hours later the three of them are seated in a Brighton seafront fish and chip shop eating dinner. Jack is tired and a little euphoric and slow in answering his children's persistent questions. The children have been hard at it all afternoon, loving their unexpected holiday from school and revived by the food and sea air. He's beginning to wilt under the strain of his day, knowing he still has to drive home. He turns on his phone when he goes to the toilet and there's a text from Caroline telling him she's at home and demanding to know where he is and to call at once. The email time bomb has detonated.

He switches off his phone and returns to his children. He's not ready to leave and encourages them to eat ice cream while he drinks coffee. Why not stay the night? There are hotels along the sea front and tomorrow will be soon enough to deal with Caroline.

He tells the children and of course they like the idea of staying the night. He'll drop them at school in the morning on the way home and they'll only be a little late.

"I want to go on the beach before we drive home tomorrow," says Ben.

"I don't have my toothbrush or my Panda and teddy bears," says Amy.

"Don't worry," says Jack. "Your cuddly toys are off on their holidays too and I can buy toothbrushes. We'll get up early and walk on the beach before breakfast."

He tries the first hotel and gets a room which can fit them all. It takes time to calm his overtired and excitable children, but he finally gets them bathed, into bed and asleep. He doesn't last much longer himself. Lying in bed, he sends a text to his wife: "Children and I having great day out at seaside. Back tomorrow."

When he switches off the light he reflects on his afternoon. He's been to visit Professor Pickering, the supervisor of his master's dissertation and the year's research he put into a PhD before family life shut him down. Jack had rung him in the week to ask if he could take up his PhD again and the Professor suggested he came down to discuss it. The children sat in silence with their books in the corner of the Professor's cluttered office and were ordered to behave. The interview went well because Jack had kept up his reading and work had given him new insights into his subject, which was economic history, and particularly industrial and maritime economics. They argued vigorously about the current debt crisis and nineteenth century state subsidies for the shipping industry, which Jack had been writing about when last a student. It was a relief to talk about matters that interested him and to forget his unfolding tragedy. He let himself go, until interrupted by Amy.

"Daddy, I can't understand a word you and that man are saying."

Jack and the Professor laughed and the interview at once descended into jokes and a discussion of the practical issues in becoming a student again. His idea had been to work on the doctorate part-time – perhaps persuade his employer to reduce his hours – and the Professor found him some maintenance and hardship bursaries that might be relevant. Now, lying in bed, Jack wonders whether he should resign altogether and study full-time. Let Caroline deal with the financial consequences and take a turn at providing for the family. It's an attractive thought and he falls asleep in a more positive frame of mind than circumstances might otherwise have allowed.

The children wake him by leaping onto his bed when the first daylight brightens the room. He dresses them for school so that they'll be ready when they get home, then they walk along the damp sand below high tide to the pier and back to the hotel for a big breakfast. Then he drives home and goes in to school with each child to explain why they're late.

"Your wife rang," says Amy's teacher disapprovingly. "She didn't think Amy would be in today."

"Crossed wires," says Jack. "She's on a business trip and rather out of the loop."

"We've been on holiday to the seaside," adds Amy unhelpfully. "With our daddy."

Jack suspects that awkward conversations like this will become the norm and he smiles at the teacher, trying to ooze good intentions.

He imagines Caroline will be at work, but he's still reluctant to go home. Instead he drives to work, writes a letter of resignation and emails it to his boss. He's just received his annual bonus and in his appraisal it was emphasised how vital he was to the success of a project assessing the financial liabilities in the acquisition of a small competitor. In its own way the email is likely to be as large a bombshell as yesterday's effort. He chats to a few colleagues, tells them what he's done and is suitably gratified by their horrified response.

He can't find any reason for further delay and drives home. Caroline's car is parked on the drive and he doesn't know whether to be pleased or not. Now is as good time as any to have their discussion. He goes indoors and she's furiously wiping kitchen surfaces. She turns and they stare at one another without speaking. If anything, she's more keyed up than he.

"Ben only missed his first lesson," he says calmly. "I explained to their teachers so they won't get into trouble for being a little late. I took them to Brighton."

She looks bewildered and nods, but still can't speak. Eventually she says "Coffee?"

He nods too and wanders into his study and turns on his computer. He sees a number of new emails, all along the lines of "Is it true that you and Caroline are splitting up?" The vibrations from his bombshell continue.

Caroline comes to his door. "Better drink the coffee in the sitting room."

He follows her and sits in an upright chair. She takes the corner of the settee and begins by making sure to keep eye contact. Her voice doesn't falter, but he notices that when she pauses her glance falls away and it takes time to collect her thoughts.

"I take it you know."

He nods.

"And that you sent the email."

He makes no reply. He has no reason to admit anything.

"This is wrong and I don't like to feel bad. I see I can't deceive you Jack, the man I love. You mean the world to me and I shall love you till the day I die. I thought it best not to tell you but it was hard dealing with the fear that you might find out. Damien and I have talked about it every way and we would eventually have decided you must know. Anyway, you found out. Damien and I have been seeing one another. I love him – I love you too – and yes, we've been to bed, I have to tell you. Please don't take it to heart. I wanted to tell you before, but I was afraid of hurting you."

His wife stares at her hands. Brave and bold, she looks up, but can only meet Jack's stare for an instant. After a while, she continues gently.

"Damien's a good man and if you gave him the chance you'd like him. You'd find so much in common and he's good to me. He makes me a better person and you've benefitted from that. He likes simple fun – a meal, a film, walking in the park – we've spent a lot of time in the park. I've seen the daffodils and the blossom and the roses come and go. I know you think I'm scatty, but he listens to me and helps me get my thoughts straight. And he lets me pamper him and tells me I'm a star and a beauty and that you're such a lucky man. I come back to you on top of the world and I'm so happy. I've so much to give you. Life is so full. I thought you must have noticed."
He shrugs. "I noticed you were cheating on me. How could you imagine I wouldn't?"

She shakes her head but dare not speak.

"How long have you known him?"

Now she looks at him. "Only intimately for three months – since we fell in love."

"And when do you meet?"

"Whenever you don't need me. I've been scrupulous."

She smiles, having relieved her conscience and emboldened by the minimal acknowledgement implied by his questions. "Please. I love you so much and I care no end what you think. I'm so pleased you're not angry, but you're too deep to read. Tell me what you're thinking."

"I think I'm dead. No. I'm thinking what on earth have you done and can you really be so stupid?"

He's been unintentionally honest. What does he think? Fury arrives and vanishes like a low-flying military jet, leaving his heart racing. This is a conversation no man should have to endure.

"Jack, you'll not suffer – grant me that. There's a part of you I've never had. I need company, friendship, fun and you've never wanted those things. But Damien loves my playful side and we have a great time. You need peace – you're happy to sit alone with your books and your thoughts. That's the time I give to Damien. We can make this work."

She wants him to acquiesce to her adultery? Jack's conscious of unexpected physical reactions, like a soldier in the moments after the sniper's shot, making feeble efforts to work out where the bullet has hit. He's cold and queasy and deep inside there's an expanding dullness, like the onset of death, of reliable internal machinery shutting down – of vivid thoughts that are not his. This conversation is as bad as he expected and the feelings he suppressed for so long are now out of control. Caroline watches, horrified.

"I can see you're hurt and I'm sorry to have been the cause. We none of us planned for this and it's very awkward. I'm asking you to think about my situation too. It's difficult for us all and I need your help to sort it out. We must help each other through."

Now it is he who fails to meet a human eye, fearful of his weakness. But he speaks in a clear voice.

"If you need a divorce then let me know. Otherwise I don't think there's much we have to talk about. Oh...by the way, I'll be living in Brighton during the week so you'll have to make new arrangements for the children before and after school. I'll be back at the weekend to look after them. And also ... I've resigned my job so you'll have to pick up the household bills after this month."

Now it is she who looks horrified. "Jack, what have you done? And what about the children? You've not thought about them. You've not thought this through."

"No Caroline, it's you who's not been thinking. I've had plenty of time to work out what I want. It's just that I saw no reason to consult you about my decisions. I'm a student again. I'm going to complete my PhD. I'll find digs near the University library for the week and come home for the children at the weekend."

"You're leaving me."

He shrugged. "You left long ago. Call this arrangement what you like but it shouldn't affect you much. You can have as many lovers as you like – it makes no difference to me. But you'll have to be here for the children in the week and I'll look after them at the weekend. Is that too much for you to manage?"

"It's a bad idea. You've got to be sensible Jack."

"Too late. It's done. Better work out who's going to collect the children when they finish school. I could probably get back in time to do it Fridays. I'll not be unreasonable."

"You're making this as difficult as you can for me. You hate me."

"I'm getting on with my life. I don't give a toss what you think or how it affects you. One other thing," he adds. "If I ever come home and find your lover here I'll kick his skull in and live happily with the consequences. Keep him out of my house and away from my children. If you need toy boys to fuck, take them to some sordid hotel."

Yes, he wants to make her miserable, but he wants to do the right thing for his children and the only unreasonable part is that he's acted without consulting Caroline. There's the matter of the mortgage too. He'll not be paying any more – his income has gone. Caroline should be able to manage the payments, but he knows there'll be little money to spare. She'll certainly not want to pay for an after school child minder. The obvious solution, he thinks grimly, is for her to use her flexitime to be free from work in time to collect them herself.

He falls asleep reading his daughter her story and wakes at four in the morning lying on the coverlet beside her. He goes downstairs and collapses on the settee in the sitting room. It's not long before he's asleep once more.

***

The new regime started immediately. Jack was up early to load the car with what he needed in Brighton. He'd take the children to school, go to work to sort out his leave, collect the children after school and then go back to the university to sort out digs and library access.

"I'll not stay here and cramp your social life. I'll begin my research at once and my employers can come and get me if they want me. I'm owed enough leave to take me to the end of my notice."

"What do we say to the children?" she asked automatically.

"I'll speak to them on the way back from school. They won't like it but they don't have to deal with a cheating wife and they'll be fine. I'll promise them to come every weekend. In the holidays I'll do my best to arrange for them to stay with me."

"But what about me?"

"What about you? The more I can have the kids the happier they'll be and you'll have more time for your lover."

"You're a hard man Jack. You know what I mean. I don't want to be alone. I want my family here. Everyone."

"You'll want to be with your lover when you don't have the children. Actually, you can call him your partner. We may still be married, but I'm no longer your partner."

"That's not what I have with Damien. It's only an affair, I explained that. Don't try to make out it's more than it is."

"I don't really care how you describe it. You love him and depend on him. It sounds to me like he's your partner."

"No! You twist things. You're my partner. You're the father of my children and my husband. There should be nothing that can break us apart."

Jack paused before speaking, visibly calming himself. "Really Caroline you deserve this mess if only to put you in touch with the real world. Now it's all very well to chat, but I'm busy."

"No. Don't go. Don't reject me." For the first time she lost her poise and was on her feet, her voice shrill, hands reaching out to snatch him, tears in her eyes. "We have to talk this through. I've worked hard to understand what happened to me. You need to think about it too. Give me time. Please."

He snorted contemptuously and went out. Caroline felt as if she'd been kicked and Damien wasn't much help when she rang him wanting sympathy. He couldn't understand why she hadn't confronted Jack about the email and demanded she do it at once. She wanted to go to bed and never get up again, but knew that Jack would be back with the children in no time.

She was not one to reflect on events, but the conversation with Jack played in her mind and she understood that he'd known about Damien for a while and said nothing. That hardly seemed imaginable. She'd never thought about what would happen if Jack discovered the affair – she'd pushed all such negative thoughts to one side. Now she could see how reckless she'd been, supposing without thinking more about it that she'd cope one way or another with whatever happened. But Jack's response completely surprised her. There was no fight or shouting or tears, just cold determination and a feeling that she'd disappointed him. Why hadn't he resisted the affair and fought to get her back? He'd walked away from her and absurdly she felt this belittled what she'd done. She wanted to shout at him: "Jack, this isn't the end of the world! We can sort it out. I shall move heaven and earth to make this alright for you." But he wasn't there to hear.

Later, the children came rushing into the house full of news.

"Mum, dad's going to live in Brighton," shouted Ben as soon as he was though the door. "We've been there. It's amazing. He says next time we go we can try the fairground rides on the pier. And I'm going sea fishing too. We'll have to get up before dawn."

She smiled and nodded, eyes brimming with tears. Amy rushed into her arms and buried her face. "I want to go with Panda to visit daddy as soon as I can because he'll be lonely on his own," she mumbled so that Caroline strained to hear.

"Did he say so?" asked Caroline gently, not knowing what Jack had told them and uncertain how to respond.

"He says there are lots of people at the University but he's always lonely when he's not with us."

"I'm sure you'll see a lot of him," said Caroline. "But I'll have to read your bedtime story in the week instead of Daddy."

"That's no good. You're always too busy to read it properly. I'll read to myself and save the stories Daddy likes until he's home to read them with me."

Caroline was doing her best but all the time was looking out to catch Jack when he came in.

"Where's your dad?" she asked Ben eventually.

"He said goodbye in the car. He had to go in a rush, he said, and that he'd pick us up from school on Friday. I think it's a swizz him not being here. You tell him Mum."

Caroline began to see how complicated life was going to be, her problems so many and large she couldn't begin to work out what to do. Clouding her mind was the pain of Jack's rejection and his steadfast refusal to accept any part of her point of view. Why couldn't he see she had to do this or else spend her whole life feeling that she'd flunked a rare chance to express and fulfil herself? He was being unreasonable, but if she was honest with herself she knew she should have expected this. That was why she'd kept her affair secret despite her guilt and dislike of behaving dishonestly. She'd believed love would count for something and they would find a way through – her love for him and the love he must still feel for her. She couldn't believe he could just stop loving her after so long together. But when she looked into Jack's eyes she'd found indifference and disgust – mostly indifference; he'd shut her out of his mind and was already thinking ahead to a life without her.

When she relaxed enough to think, it was money that became the largest problem. How could Jack imagine she could manage on her salary alone? Yes, she was paid well, but her income was already fully committed, she'd never been able to save, and there was a large mortgage to pay off. Worse still were the problems the email had caused at her work. When she'd got back from London she'd gone to work and been called at once to a meeting with one of the executive directors and the head of HR. They'd grilled her for an hour about her relations with Damien and the extent to which the affair had been responsible for the consultants' report which some of the directors had found so objectionable. She insisted again and again that the affair began after the report was written and took place entirely outside work. But of course there was no proof and by her own admission she had discussed the consultants' finding with Damien. By the end of the interview it was clear she was no longer the smart new thing in the eyes of her employers. They hinted that there was a question about whether they could keep her in a sensitive role where she had been shown to be lacking in sound business judgement. If she lost her job, she and her children would be destitute. It kept her awake at night.

It wasn't as if she could turn to Damien. His problems with work were greater than hers and she couldn't help feeling that he blamed her somehow for what had happened. His employers accused him of using the cover of a consultancy to pursue an affair with a customer. Worse, they said, was that he allowed an unprofessional situation to develop which harmed the company's reputation. He'd then compounded the problem by libelling a valuable client.

His defence was to prove he'd not sent the email. It was fairly easy, with the right help, to identify the IP address of the machine from which the email was sent, but this of course proved that it was his own machine. His assumption that Jack had burgled his house and sent the message was met with scepticism; there was no evidence of burglary. On the other hand, he had some proof, although inconclusive, that he had been in London at the time the email was sent. His demand to Caroline was that she make Jack admit sending the message. She knew this was not going to happen.

Caroline's once regulated life was now full of drama. When she started her affair it had never entered her mind that money would become an issue. If anything, she saw Damien as an additional asset, an unattached man with a high-paying job who could take care of the extras – the hotels and meals –involved in their affair. Jack had earned more than all of them. His resignation was unexpected and a feeble response to the situation because it hurt the children as much as anyone. She wondered how she would pay the mortgage, the utility bills and buy food. It was ridiculous to imagine she could ask Damien for money to help keep her family afloat.

She thought about it all the same. Why not ask Damien for help? It used to be that a mistress was kept by her paramour. She couldn't do it because in her mind the justification for the affair was that she was strong enough to manage the consequences. To ask for money would prove this wrong. After more thought she decided a better plan would be to tell Jack that unless he was prepared to shoulder his financial responsibilities she would have to ask Damien to help out. Jealously should prompt a more humane response.

Amy began to carry her Panda with her round the house and only put it down when Jack came home at the weekend. Caroline told her it was silly behaviour for a girl of nine and disgraced herself by shouting at Amy when she tried to take the battered toy to school. She then had to spend time calming her daughter when she was tired herself and wanted to scream. And Ben complained about the dinners she cooked.

"I don't like onions and cabbage and that's what you always cook. When I go to see my dad I'll have fish and chips."

"You'll eat what you're given and that'll be what we can afford," she told him.

The first weekend Jack was home they could barely sit together in the same room and said almost nothing to one another all weekend. In any case Jack spent most of his time with the children. She looked for opportunities to discuss the future but the moment never came.

He left on Monday, taking the children to school on his way out of town. When Caroline got to work she was called into another meeting, this time with the Head of HR alone. He offered her the job of Head of Governance and Secretariat to replace her current role in operations. The directorate no longer had confidence in her business judgement and did not want her working in a customer-facing job. She would keep her present salary as a concession and a note of the decision would be put on her record. If she objected, a first stage disciplinary hearing would be started, involving a panel chaired by a Board member. Her behaviour in relation to the consultants' report would be reviewed. Caroline knew she had to accept the change of duties, relieved she had work but in no doubt that the made-up job was a demotion. Back at her desk the humiliation hit hard and she became very angry. Why was she being punished for something she hadn't done? Her affair had nothing to do with her work and in any case the email was a scam.

She spent the Monday evening writing to all the people who had contacted her in response to the email sent from Damien's account. This included her parents and many friends.

"Thanks for you concern. Can't say much but yes Jack and I have had a few problems which we are working on. The email you may have seen circulating was a hoax, a criminal act which has caused me a lot of harm and heartache. Please don't add to it and don't believe everything you read on the internet. An exciting piece of news is that after working so long for his bank, Jack has decided to return to his studies and take up his PhD. Of course this requires a sacrifice from all of us but we are going to make it work. It's for such a good cause. Love from Jack and me and the children. Hope to see you soon."

It was in the spirit of bravado that on Tuesday Caroline made the first weekday journey to see Damien since the smash. She took the children to school and could not therefore start early to make up hours, and she had to collect them at the end of the day. There was also a mid-afternoon meeting for her new job and in the circumstances it was difficult to relax.

She was relieved to be with Damien but he seemed tense and reserved, he'd not dressed up for her and had little to say. As was their routine, they made love at once, but it was more vigorous and brutal than ever, and completed in silence. Afterwards they drank coffee and picked at the food Damien had brought. Neither was hungry and the grim topic of the conversation stopped them enjoying themselves. Damien still wanted proof that Jack had sent the email and pressured Caroline to make him admit it.

"Jack's not at home. He's resigned his job and spends the week in Brighton. He's certainly not in the mood to listen to me."

Far from disappointing Damien, this news appeared to please him. "Then tell him you'll kick him out for good unless he comes clean."

"Don't push me. I don't even know that Jack wrote that email. You may have other enemies."

"Use your intelligence." Damien was furious. "Who else had the motive and knew about us and could get hold of a picture of you?"

She was silent, then said in a rush, "I'll do what I can. But Dam, we're alright aren't we? We're not going to let this mess ruin us too?"

"Of course, but we need to deal with work so that we can move on. I'm glad you're husband's left. Now you can give me the time I deserve."

She wanted to remind him that she still had the children – and to say that she would do her best to get her husband back, but they went to the bedroom with little time left and their lovemaking was even more hurried and violent.

She returned from this visit to Damien shocked by what had happened and unable to explain why she was shocked. Not once had she felt that Damien cared for her or that she had his support. The sex was good. With Jack gone she needed it and no longer had to feel guilty. As a form of communication it was hopeless and they might as well have been strangers. She reasoned they were stressed and pressed for time. Things would get better. But she couldn't avoid wondering if they only shared sex and that now Jack was gone she was making demands of the relationship it couldn't bear. If so, she'd find the energy to repair her relationship with Damien and work on Jack as well.

"He'll come back when he's calmed down," she assured herself. "He'll realise it's best for the children. And we can work it out so that Damien's not an issue between us. I only need to keep my two men apart and show each that I love him. Damien's worried about his work and Jack's reacting to the shock and his pride, nothing else. In any case, he has no money so he'll have to come back."

Each night Caroline came home to fractious children and there was nobody to help her. When she finally got them to bed she was exhausted and with nothing to look forward to. She hated her new job and was obsessed with money. And each night she came back to the basic truth about her choice – either remain faithful and commit to her marriage or play around and put her relationship with Jack at risk. She'd taken the risky course and had nobody to blame but herself for the way it turned out.
It was shameful to think how much she looked forward to the weekend. Instead of two disgruntled children, there was handsome Jack and her children so excited they could barely sit still to eat dinner. She cooked a family meal and Ben didn't complain and Jack told them – the children – about his week. He worked in the library all morning, ran at lunchtime and lectured some afternoons. Caroline listened with interest, but made no comment until later.

When the children were in bed, she said, "Jack, I'm really struggling to manage without any financial contribution from you. They're your kids as well as mine and deserve better than they're getting. You must see that."

"No problem. Cut out the champagne and smoked salmon lifestyle and you'll have plenty to get by. If that's too much to ask, then divorce me. I'm sure the courts will make me pay something, even on my tiny salary."

She was shocked. She couldn't see why he had to speak with such venom, especially after being so nice at table.

"Jack, will you be serious!"

"My kids are always starving when I meet up with them. Do you only spend your money on your lover? Maybe they should stick with me. What money I have I spend on them – I fill them with soup and bread when I'm short. They love it."

"They're never starving. I feed them all the time. Everything I have I keep for them."

He looked hard at her and she looked away. He said, "Can you honestly say they're your top priority? I don't think so."

"Good try Jack to make me feel bad but it's you who gave up your job and walked out of the family home. Why is it the woman who has to take the blame?"

He shrugged. "Because this situation was made by you."

Fights like this were pointless; they could only serve to drive Jack further away and Caroline cursed herself for her poor tactics. She really believed that abandoning his career was a feeble response from Jack and punished the children unnecessarily. Before, they'd divided the bills and Jack's share was the mortgage and the household utility bills. Together those amounted to more than the spare part of Caroline's salary. It made her feel bitter even though, she told herself, she still had a home, children, job and lover. All that was missing was her husband and she would bring him back. She must keep her temper and give him time to get over the anger and petulance that led him to move away and quit his job. He was hurting the children and he'd realise his mistake. As for going back to university – that was ridiculous for a man of his age with family responsibilities. She'd thought better of him – that he'd stand and fight to overcome their temporary problems. She'd tell him she expected better from him.

Difficulties crept up on her. She could no longer pay off her full credit card bill each month. She cut down on non-essentials, including treats for the children. She had to arrange for after-school care and that was a new expense. Long lunch breaks were now out because she could not stay late to make up the hours and collect the children. The children didn't help and misbehaved and were needy when she wanted time to herself.

At first Damian was phlegmatic about the new obstacles to their meetings. He told Caroline he was pleased Jack was gone because he didn't have to share her.

"I shall get Jack back," she retorted. "This doesn't change our relationship in any way and I want things as they were."

He wasn't allowed to come to the house "because of the children" and, after the first unsatisfactory attempt, they gave up meeting at lunchtime. They could now only meet at the weekend when Jack was at home with the children, but Damien played rugby on Saturday afternoon, with travel before and after when it was an away match. And on Sunday lunchtime he met with male friends at a pub to watch a football match and play cards. And the weekend was the time when Caroline really needed to work on Jack. It hurt that he acted as if pleased when she went out.

The first weekend of this new regime she planned to spend Saturday evening to Sunday lunchtime with Damien. They would go out to dinner and have a whole night together. She would then return to prepare Sunday lunch for the family and Damien would go out with his friends. Jack announced that it didn't fit his plans.

"I've not seen my kids all week and I intend to be with them. I'm taking them to Whipsnade Zoo on Sunday. If you want to come I won't stop you, but we're leaving at nine and will be home late afternoon. Go fuck your lover but don't bother about lunch. We'll eat out."

Caroline was stunned and momentarily at a loss for words. This was a key decision. She couldn't give up her time with Damien after promising to be with him, yet she hated the idea of Jack taking the children on an outing without her.

"You should have said earlier," she replied eventually. "I'd have liked to come but I can't change my plans."

"No problem." He went into the garden and threw a cricket ball with his son.

She knew she'd been outmanoeuvred and made coffee while she thought it through. When it was ready she went to the back door and watched Jack throwing the ball for Ben to hit.

"I've made coffee," she called out.

"Thanks."

But Jack continued the game and she drank her coffee alone, his mug growing cold. Eventually she decided if that was going to be his attitude she'd go through with her plans and not waste her efforts on Jack until he was more receptive. He needed more time to accept the new order.

She emailed her plan for the next weekend to Jack so he was forewarned and couldn't claim it was inconvenient. It had required careful negotiation with Damien. He'd given up his Sunday lunchtime and she would be with him from midnight Saturday night, to five the Sunday afternoon. To Jack, she wrote, "The children loved their visit to Whipsnade. It was a great idea and I'm only sorry I wasn't able to come. But there's no problem this weekend. The children have said a number of times they want to go to Fantasy World, which is a thirty mile drive. So we'll set off early Saturday and make a day of it. It'll be great to be a family together again."

He didn't reply at once and when the email came the next day it was brief. "Great idea but count me out. I have to do some shopping Saturday and prepare a lecture in the afternoon."

She phoned him at once. "Really Jack, don't play games. The children will be so disappointed."

"Not if you take them."

She wasn't going to admit her plan would only be acceptable to the children if Jack came. All week they pestered her with comments about how long it was to the weekend, how they wished they were at the seaside, how her meals were horrible and what they would do with Jack when he came. She knew Jack wouldn't change his mind about the weekend and that his plan must be to do everything he could to stay apart from her. For the first time she began to consider that winning Jack over might be impossible unless there was a change in her relationship to Damien. She needed to spend the whole weekend with Jack. She needed time and space in which to work her magic. She emailed back: "Okay, not this weekend then. Everyone disappointed."

A day's leave solved the problem for one weekend. She was with Damien for a whole delightful day midweek from when she dropped the children at school to the moment she left to collect them from their after school clubs. And in return she would be home to care for Jack the whole weekend. It was a brief respite in the unremitting bleakness of her new life. Jack and Damien had to understand how much she needed their company.

To be continued