Foreword

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my story and especially to those who have commented. I hope you think it was worthwhile. Writing is a strange experience, a compulsion which makes for hard work and leads to unexpected results.

I've done my best to get this post finished as quickly as I can and have beaten my weekly schedule. But writing is a slow business for me, so don't expect any new stories for some while. And despite some commentators who think me verbose (fair enough) I think this was a novel-length plot which I have skimped. Must try harder.

Now for the last part of Caroline Alone. It was Alfred Hitchcock whose advice on scripting was: "Torture the woman"...



Copyright MortonGrange 2013

Part Four

The children were excited as they packed clothes for a week and chatted and sang songs in the car all the way out of the city. Caroline knew they were happy because they were on their way to see their father, but she was in good spirits too. It seemed like a holiday for all of them and she'd not had a chance to enjoy being with her children for a long time. It was foolish, but she was eager to see Jack's new home and hopeful he'd be more relaxed on his own territory. If they could at least be friends she'd chip away at his bitter shell and with a wholehearted effort she'd find a way to reconnect. They'd always enjoyed one another's company, so why not again?

The traffic was bad; they took some wrong turns; the motorway was shut by an accident and it was raining. By the time they found somewhere to park at the University, the children were bad-tempered and hungry and she was exhausted.

"We need a place to sit down where we can eat when Jack comes," she suggested to her children, who were racing about now they were out of the car and eager to show her the campus.

"That's where Daddy works," said Amy, standing in the piazza and pointing proudly at the concrete and glass Humanities building.

"Let's go to the Refectory," said Ben. "Dad says they do good burgers with six types of relish and the chips aren't bad. We've not had a chance to try the burgers yet."

He led the way to the cafeteria, which was noisy with staff and students grabbing a quick lunch, greeting friends and stopping to do business between the serving counters. They eventually found a table and Caroline sent Jack a text to let him know where to find them. She hoped he wouldn't be long because they were hungry, the children kicking one another irritably under the table and looking round at the endless procession of people in the hope of seeing Jack.

"There's Hazel," said Ben suddenly straightening in his chair. He called out. "Hello Hazel. I bet you're having the soup not the burgers."

She was talking to a woman with a braid in her hair but looked up and smiled, glancing cautiously at Caroline as she came across.

"Hello Ben. Hello Amy. I hope you're having a good day out. A few more years and you can come to my lecture. Not the place to try and get some peace," she added as an overture to Caroline.

"Hazel's Dad's girlfriend," said Ben to his mother by way of explanation.

"Actually I'm not," said Hazel. To make it sound less like a put-down to Ben, she added, "But I remember we had a great picnic by the river when I brought my soup and you taught me to play football."

"You do make sure Daddy's not lonely," said Amy.

Nobody knew how to reply to this and Caroline eventually said, "I ought to introduce myself. I'm Jack's wife and these are my children. Do you work with him here?"

"Not as such. We're more like competitors. In the same faculty but with incompatible educational and pedagogic ambitions. He's with the fuddy-duddies bellowing for more of the exclusive male curriculum where they recount the triumphs of great men."

Caroline brightened up. "You're not friends then? Jack does take his subject very seriously."

"Jack didn't tell me he was married and I didn't pry. I hope Ben and Amy think of me as a friend. We've had fun together."

"Please sit down. This is a difficult conversation but I'm worried about Jack and don't know what's going on. If there's been a misunderstanding then I expect it's my fault. I wouldn't want you to feel badly about Jack."

Hazel didn't look happy, but pulled up a chair from another table and sat down a little to one side, facing Caroline.

"What about the grub?" asked Ben hopefully.

"In just a moment," said Caroline and began to tell Hazel the story of how Jack had given up his job in a bank to pick up his studies and how she admired and supported his commitment despite the financial hardship and the travelling. Hazel looked grim, clutching her bag to her chest and the children sat in silence watching the two women.

Caroline was explaining how strong-willed and inflexible Jack could be when he finally arrived and stood beside the table, uncertain what to do.

"Daddy!" Amy jumped to her feet and flung her arms round his waist. He bent and kissed her, then ruffled Ben's hair.

"I want to hear how the football went and did you play in goal?"

"Six nil, six nil. We walloped them and my teacher said I kept a clean sheet."

The women stared and Caroline half rose to join in the kissing. Jack crossed to the other side of the table and sat in the chair between his children.

"Jack, it's good to see you," she said brightly, but saw that he was watching Hazel. "Hazel and I were getting to know one another. It must be so exciting working among all these smart people."

"I hope you had a good journey down. It can be busy mid-morning on the motorway," he replied. There was silence and he looked at each person in turn. Abruptly he stood up. "I seem to have killed the conversation. Much better if I leave you women to gossip. You kids coming with me?"

"But I was promised a burger," protested Ben.

"I'm going with my Daddy," said Amy and grabbed his hand as he walked away.

"Maybe I can have a burger another time," said Ben and hurried after them.

"Well that was pointed," said Hazel and let out a sigh. "Tell me Caroline, why did Jack come to Brighton? Are you separated – I mean estranged?"

"Is that what Jack said? It's not quite like that. Shall we get a coffee?"

***

The sun has come out and Jack takes the children to the sea front and they eat beefburgers and chips from a kiosk in the open with a wary eye on the circling seagulls. The meal is not great, but fills everyone up and there are no complaints. He's upset by the encounter in the Refectory and knows his children are put out, that their day is failing to meet expectations because they like having their parents together with them.

Jack texts Caroline to say where they are and after eating they walk along the promenade. Ben spots a crazy golf course where the ball is knocked over miniature bridges and through tunnels and into the mouths of painted monsters. He's intrigued and insists they have a game. Jack concedes and they collect balls and putters and wait for a go at the first hole. Ben takes the competition seriously, planning his shots but mostly over-hitting them. Jack has to help Amy by reaching his arms over her shoulders and holding the putter with her. They have great fun after some early mishaps, giving Ben a serious challenge, but he wins on the last hole. Hot and thirsty, they look round for ice creams and discover Caroline seated on a bench watching them.

"You looked so happy. I needed a rest and watched you play," she explains. "Jack, I'm sorry about what happened just now. It was an accident and I didn't mean to put you out. I'd not prepared myself to meet Hazel and I was embarrassed too."

"No problem. Not your fault. We had a good time without you. I'm just going to get the children ice creams. They'd like to go on the beach."

They sit down on the pebbles at the top of the beach and the children take off shoes and socks before running down to the sea. Caroline is seated beside Jack on her folded jacket and screens her eyes from the sun so that she can watch her children splashing in the waves.

"You've given up on us haven't you," she says. "I suppose you want a divorce and I'm so sorry for the children. It's obvious that Hazel's after you."

Jack thinks carefully before replying. "Divorce may be a good idea."

"I explained to Hazel about Damien and made clear I mean to keep hold of you. I think she found it difficult to understand my point of view. If you ask me she takes your side. But I shan't let you go. I'll fight her to the bitter end."

"She doesn't need to know about our sordid life."

"I want to be sure there's no misunderstanding. I shan't allow you to escape."

"Is that realistic? You're right, we're finished. I'm glad you worked it out eventually. We were done the moment you took your little detour from married life. I'll want a divorce, but for now it's not a priority. Much more important to get the children settled. I'm trying to think straight, do the right thing for them, and I think they'd be better off staying with me in the week next term. There are good schools here and cheap after school facilities on campus. In any case my work is more flexible than yours."

"You want to take them from me."

"This is about them, not you. Think about what's best for them."

"Leaving me alone."

"You have Damien. Go chase him. For once think of someone other than yourself."

"Don't mock me. Please Jack, I want you to think again. My affair with Damien had to happen. I'd have been a coward to turn away from his offer of love. It was my destiny and it hasn't worked out well, but don't punish me for trying. Now we can go back to how things were. I've learned my lesson."

"Me too. I don't want to live with a woman who betrays me when it suits her. I'll not do it, even for the children. They deserve something better."

"I never betrayed you..."

"Even now you've not given up on Damien, you're simply hedging your bets. You're still thinking about yourself before the children and you never stopped to think what your actions meant for others. What you did was carelessness or stupidity – it doesn't matter which. If I'm married I have to respect my wife. You're good company, sexy – all the things that interested me from the beginning – but I don't respect you now. It's not about blame – maybe you really can't help yourself. It's just that I know you're bad to be with; you can only bring me more misery if I stay with you. You should walk round with a red flag warning people to stay clear for their own safety."

She's crying and when the children rush back she gets up and runs up the steps onto the promenade so they won't see her tears. The children don't notice; they're enjoying the beach and want Jack to come and look at the dead jellyfish they've found. He goes with them to look.

Caroline drives home when they get back to the campus, not waiting to inspect Jack's flat.

The next morning Jack cooks a big breakfast of bacon and eggs for Ben and Amy and while they eat they talk about what to do with the day. He's bothered because he wants his children to have a good time, but he must also work on notes for a Monday progress meeting with his professor about his research. They're seated at the table finishing breakfast when the doorbell rings and Jack is astonished to find Hazel on his doorstep. She smiles and takes her hand from behind her back to present him with a single red rose.

"Isn't this what a man does to show his lover he's contrite? Jack, it's a token of how I feel about you and I'm sorry."

Jack takes the rose, uncertain what to do. "You don't believe in presents."

"Nor do I make a habit of admitting mistakes, or of presenting men with roses, but that's why I'm here. Can I come in? Please tell me everything's alright and we can start again."

"I'm surprised but of course you can come in. And I bet it's the children you want to see."

"Jack! I'm sorry. I made a big mistake. Now relax and let me put it right. I'm not going to hurt you."

She takes his hand and kisses him before coming into the kitchen and saying hello to the children. Ben's very pleased to see her and lets her kiss him.

"I saw you kiss Dad. You are Dad's girlfriend. I knew all along."

"You can't know that unless you've been told," said Jack confused and wary. "Otherwise it's like teasing a boy in your class by saying you saw him kissing a girl when you know they'd hate you to say that."

"But we saw you in bed together," says Amy. "So Hazel must be your girlfriend."

"That was a mistake."

"Letting you children see us was a mistake, but not being together," says Hazel. "My body was the intelligent part of me. My mind's not to be trusted. My mind's a whore, my body's a saint. Amy, you have a wonderful father. Jack was there when I needed him, but I pushed him away when he came to me for comfort. I shan't forgive myself."

"Of course my daddy's wonderful," says Amy judiciously. "He's good at reading stories and knows what every word means."

"I'm not a total baby," says Jack. "I met you for a drink the other day, not for comfort. And you stuck to your principles, which is good. It's just that your principles don't add up. Sit down and have some breakfast."

"It's bacon and eggs," says Amy. "There's nothing for you to eat except the tomatoes."

"Fried in the bacon fat," warns Jack. "We weren't expecting a vegan to breakfast and I like my children to have a square meal."

"I only want coffee. But can we sit down first?"

Jack sits down and she perches on his lap, puts her arms round his neck and kisses him provocatively.

"Yuck," says Ben.

"We ought to go away. They don't want us here," says Amy.

"No!" protest both adults.

"I'll behave myself," says Hazel, "But I had to show your dad how I feel about him. Sometimes I'm an idiot and I was one this week. I only hope Jack can forgive me."

"Dad's okay when I do something bad," says Ben. "He always forgives me. But don't stand near when he's cross. It's grim when he shouts."

"Ben!"

"See what I mean?"

Jack feels a long way behind the game as Hazel takes over the discussion of what to do for the day and fits into the family as if there's been no interruption. He can't make sense of what she's doing but doesn't want to put her off. Is everything suddenly alright? It can't be so and he's still angry with her for rejecting him. But he's pleased she's there and can't take his eyes off her.

"Changed your mind when you saw I'm friends with the Vice Chancellor?"

She looks at him, checking to see whether or not he's serious.

"In your dreams. I'm the permanent lecturer here with doctoral students, you're the student with a few temporary hours teaching first year undergraduates. I'm not impressed with whoever you know, especially when it involves sucking up to the boss. But dressed up in your suit – what a knockout."

They spar agreeably and both start to relax. Jack imagines taking Hazel to bed and sees with amazement how contented his children have suddenly become. Is it because they have some instinct for recognising goodness?

It's agreed they will make the trip to Wittering, abandoned the day Hazel's dad died. Jack can work on the beach while she helps look after the children. It's as if getting dumped by Hazel was only a dream. They collect food for a picnic and when they're ready they drive to Hazel's house to pick up more things – a wind break and a rug to sit on. The sun's shining and it's set for a warm day.

The beach is sandy and not at all busy and they settle down, Jack with his laptop and the children with buckets and spades. With help from Hazel they start making sandcastles. Jack shuts everything out, even Hazel's slim body in its fetching bikini, and for an hour concentrates on work. Then they eat the picnic and he plays badminton in turn with everyone, including Hazel, who's mocked even by Amy she's so bad. Then he works again, but with his eye on the children. Hazel sunbathes, eyes closed. Then the children are busy defending their sandcastle against the incoming tide and Jack and Hazel kiss and it is like a dream.

"Jack, you're a married man with children but I'm a novice. I've worked hard all my life and never really had time for love. This is all a surprise to me and I'm having to learn how to deal with it. I was confused when I said those things about you. You were right; it was your principles being tested with Damien, not mine. I have no right to judge you and I let my feelings for you affect my judgement. I've never felt this for anyone before and I was protecting myself, telling myself I shouldn't trust my feelings.

"Then your wife told me what she'd done to you and all I could think about was the pain you must have been through – how it must be torture. And it made me feel bad to think of your pain and how I'd made it worse. Believe me, it didn't take me long to work out who was behaving badly. I can see how you are with your children – even how patient you are with Caroline, despite everything she's done to you. You think about others first and only then about yourself. I should have understood my feelings for you, but couldn't admit them. Nor could I just apologise. I was afraid of you, afraid of what you'd say, afraid of you rejecting me, afraid of doing the wrong thing.

"I've had boyfriends before, of course, but they've never amounted to anything. They confirmed everything I thought I knew about relationships – mad, masochistic, dangerous and ending in unhappiness all round. With you I'm out of my depth and I was responding with my fatuous ideas about how to behave – to show I could stand up for myself and won't take nonsense from anyone. I wasn't listening and was blind to what was happening in front of me. I'm a fool.

"Look Jack, let's stop messing about. I came back only because I love you. It's a bloody awkward feeling because it keeps putting me in the wrong. And maybe I failed to admit to myself that I loved you. Can't you see, it's hard for me to say this to you, but I need to know how you feel. If this is embarrassing you and you wish you'd never met me, then say so. I don't like muddle. I want to know where I stand."

Jack listens in stunned silence to this declaration of love and has to collect his thoughts quickly. "That rose you gave me. I'm as sentimental as a nine year old girl like Amy. I'll press it in my copy of Das Kapital, so no one will find it and I'll have it for evermore." Jack kisses her and wipes the tears off her cheeks with his finger.

"You're a clever woman. You know I love you, but you also know I'm confused. I can't believe my luck meeting you, but I'm worried that somehow at least part of what happened with Caroline is my fault and I'm not a suitable person to love you. And I'm terrified – with good reason – that this is just a dream and you're going to vanish as suddenly as you came. I'm still married to Caroline, which seems like a big obstacle, I'm worried about the children, I'm worried about my job and my research, I'm worried I'm going to crack under the weight of all this mess. It doesn't seem like the right time to be falling in love.

"But then I don't have any say in it. I'm more experienced than you and I trust my feelings and I know I love you. I couldn't be happier. I want to pull you tightly against me and never let you go."

He carries out his threat and they kiss and caress one another until they look up guiltily to check that the children are alright. The sandcastle's submerged, the water's at their feet. The children have moved to another fortification and are furiously digging sand to strengthen the walls against the flood. The sun has never shone so brightly, the sea never looked so beautiful, the golden beach so peaceful.

***

There was no reason for caution because Caroline was alone, but it still felt wrong to call Damien on the home phone. She'd decided to suggest meeting in London. Anything was better than spending the weekend on her own.
"Dam, it's me, Caroline. I hope things are going fine. What do you say to me coming down to London on Saturday or Sunday? We could go to a show, have a meal, you know what. What do you say? It's what we always wanted."

There was a pause before her lover replied. "Look Caroline, I don't think that's a good idea. I've been pretty busy since we last spoke. Guess what? I lasted a week in my new job. The curse of the cheating wife strikes again. Someone rang my boss and told him the reason I left my old employer. Even sent him your asshole husband's email as proof I'm unsuitable to represent my illustrious new employer. Said my employment was cancelled because I'd failed to declare all relevant information in my application. Gave me a month's salary and said I was lucky to get that. So I don't have a job. I'm on the dole and don't have the cash to throw about on high maintenance mistresses. I'd do better to hire myself a cheap and cheerful tart."

"That's awful Dam. Oh, how dreadful." Caroline was struggling to adjust to this unexpected development.

"And I bet your shithole burglar and bully of a husband is wetting his pants in delight. Let's face it Caroline, you're bad news. You're like the clumsy innocent in those screwball comedies who walks into a shop and leaves mayhem and destruction everywhere he goes."

"Look Dam, I'm really sorry this has happened. What if I have another go at getting Jack to own up to the email?"

"Don't make fun of me. Why would that psychopath do anything to help his oh so loving wife, especially when it's for her lover? Try and be smart for once in your life."

"I am. I'm trying to stay positive and I've a great idea. Much better you come here. I'll cook for you and we'll be really comfortable. No need to spend money. I've had a busy week too so it'll be good for both of us to stay in and watch a few films."

"Come to your house? Do you think I'm stupid? What do you think we're going to do? Cuddle up in your sitting room and listen to DVDs? You talk as if I don't know you, don't know what we have between us. We'd end up in bed. That's what we do."

"We have more than that; so much more."

"We'd be in bed and that psychotic husband of yours would find out and he'd come after me and drag me out of the house by my balls. Afterwards you'd probably sit down with him and have a laugh about it."

"Jack's not here. He doesn't care what happens here now he's got the children. Be with me and we'll make one another better. Don't be afraid Dam, we can make this work."

"Truth is Caroline you're not exactly the person I'd choose to pick me up when I've had a setback. Since when have you cared about anyone but yourself? If you're being nice it's because you want something. You're not the kind to offer support. I always thought your husband must be a saint to put up with your fancy airs and your running around. Let's be honest: you're a good fuck, end of story."

"I didn't know that's how you felt," said Caroline. "Are you telling me there was never anything more than sex between us?"

"You know there wasn't. The rest was childish playacting on your part – a bit of excitement to make the week go faster. We got together and fucked. Fine by me – that's what I wanted. But you, you needed to pretend it was something more, that you were playing the role of some grande horizontale and thinking what a smart actress you were, happy so long as I flattered you like a diva and picked up the bills."

"That's cheap of you Damien."

"Cheap and accurate."

They were silent for a while. Then Caroline said, "Are you telling me it's over?"

"You said it. I'm skint, shafted, stuffed, busted, done over. It couldn't be more finished. It was a stupid affair and now I need to simplify my life. Penury isn't very sexy and right now I'd rather be in bed with an anaconda than have to deal with your carnivorous ways. Quit with the satisfaction of knowing you've dragged me into the gutter with you."

Caroline cried until she went to bed – uncomplicated tears of self-pity. In bed she went to sleep thinking of the clever put-downs she should have made to Damien. Mostly they were variations on a simple idea: "You bastard, you let me think you loved me and all the time you were lying." But alone in the bed she'd shared for so long with Jack the words tripped her up. Instead of the gratification of accusing Damien, she could only hear Jack using the same words against her. It wasn't true; she'd always loved Jack, but what he saw was betrayal and she heard the echo of her own words: "You let me think you loved me and all the time you were lying."

The next morning she woke with the energy to take charge of her life. She wrote out a list of what she must put right. It was a long list, but writing it felt good. First problem on the list, because it was the most pressing, was money. There was an obvious solution to her poverty – sell the house and find somewhere cheaper to live. She'd speak to Jack; he wasn't coming back and had no reason to object.

Then there were the children. They were with Jack now, but should she let them go to school in Brighton? Of course she wanted them with her; she hated to be alone; she hated them being away from her; and mum must always be best. But she knew they preferred to be with Jack and that his steadfast, reliable good-sense was what they needed. On her own she struggled with the punishing schedule of getting them to school and collecting them and making meals and getting them to bed. She became stressed and caused unnecessary confrontations and upsets, especially in the evening when they were all tired. They blamed her for driving Jack away and were too young to be told the true situation.

Respite came only when they were with Jack. Jack was right; she couldn't put her needs in front of theirs. She denied it to herself but when she spoke it aloud she knew they were better off with Jack. Everyone thought badly of her, but she would show her courage by doing the right thing, go to Brighton and inspect schools.

Work was the next problem. She hated her new job and was sure everyone guessed she'd been sidelined. Colleagues who'd once been craven were now bold enough to show she'd lost her power, openly flouting her demands. She blushed whenever she met someone she thought knew of her demotion and imagined everyone gossiped about her situation behind her back. Loss of authority led to loss of confidence. The only way was to find a new job and start afresh, but she was well paid for what she did and she needed every pound she could earn. It was only her pride that got her to work every day.

Then there was Jack. She accepted reluctantly that he wasn't coming back. She'd have stood a chance of winning him over, she thought, now she'd lost Damien, if it hadn't been for Hazel. But she knew Jack. Hazel had snared him and there was no way he was ever going to escape. One day, but not for a long time, she'd cry for her lost marriage; she couldn't now because it was too painful to admit her part in its destruction. All the same, she could fight for a shred of Jack's friendship and even, in time, win back his respect. She must try for the good of the children – and because it mattered to her.

Lastly she had to examine herself – a failure from every point of the compass. The weekend after Damien gave her the push, she drove the hundred miles north to stay with her parents. They were pleased to see her, listened to her story and never once criticised her. They asked about Jack and the children and did their best to hide their disappointment that they wouldn't be seeing them. She told them she'd ask Jack if they could come to Brighton to visit the children and they thanked her with dignity. She spent the weekend in bed, ate her mother's meals and felt a little better when she returned home. All the same, she was burdened by the weight of her parents' disappointment and knew they were hiding their true feelings to protect and support her. That's what good parents did.

In spite of everything, she continued to believe she'd done the right thing. Her mistake was not in having the affair, but in failing to keep it secret; and when it was discovered, lacking the swift-wittedness to convince Jack he should let it take its course. Her love for Damien was genuine, despite his brutal rejection, and it would have been cowardice to go against nature and play safe. She took a risk and came out the loser. But that didn't make it wrong. She wasn't going to let anyone say: "She got what she deserved".

She took a week's leave and rang Jack to tell him she wanted some time with the children and to look at the schools. He was kind, asked how she was doing and whether the money situation was any better. He suggested she stay in his flat with the children and he'd sleep with Hazel. She accepted gratefully, knowing she had Hazel to thank for his charity.

It became a week of bizarre situations. Jack did everything he could to help her, trying his hardest to anticipate awkward situations and make her comfortable. At first she thought he did it to get her to agree to the divorce he now said he wanted, or for the benefit of the children, but she realised he did it for Hazel. He was determined to show his lover he could be civilised and charitable and help a woman in trouble.

Jack came to dinner in the evenings because the children demanded to have their parents together. They sat around the table and Ben and Amy willed them to say nice things to one another. And they did. Jack no longer flinched when she came near him and they kissed cheeks on meeting. He asked about her work and she told him about the change of duties, although without explaining the reason. He talked about his research and the chances of getting more teaching hours. The children listened to their parents enthralled, and she wondered what they were thinking. They knew Jack loved Hazel and must realise their parents would never get back together. And she knew they loved Hazel too, because they talked about her incessantly. Their world had been broken apart and they must imagine she would be pleased to hear how wonderful Hazel was, relieved that some good had come out of the disaster.

She and Jack agreed to sell the house and split the proceeds. They discussed divorce and agreed on an amicable arrangement which would minimise legal fees.

"I'll do it because I know you want it Jack. I'd rather stay married to you, and not just for the children. I'd wait to see whether one day we could be together again."

"Too much has happened. You can't put the egg back in its shell," replied Jack.

He brought food and wine for the meals, suggested places to take the children and asked how she was doing. Damien wasn't mentioned. She wanted to tell him it was over, but why bother? Jack wasn't coming back and it would only give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd won in the end.

They discussed schools and she visited those on a list they drew up together. Once more Jack was right; the children would be better off in Brighton.

Another mad scene in a mad and strangely happy week: she invited Hazel to come to the evening meal and Jack played with the children while she and Hazel helped one another in the kitchen, mashing potatoes, making gravy and dishing up the meal. She noticed Jack watching this with an air of mild bemusement, but everyone was happy.

Hazel, it seemed, was without anger or jealousy. Now Jack would allow Caroline to kiss him and even, once in a while, get her arm round him and give him a squeeze. He'd grin uncomfortably and Hazel would smile, secure in his love. Seated round the table with a glass of wine and laughing at her children's stories, she was struck by the irony of her situation. When she was in love with Damien, she'd expected Jack to accept her lover. Now the positions were reversed. Her lover was gone and it was she who was expected to smile and be brave as her husband kissed his lover. For all that, she enjoyed the meal and invited Hazel again.

Of course she went to bed alone and then she couldn't avoid a nightmare of jealousy and resentment. Her family had been taken from her and she was left with nothing. Others were happy and she was not.

The house went on the market and sold almost at once. She gave away most of the contents because Jack wanted nothing and she had nowhere to store what was left. Her plan was to rent a flat, but on the spur of the moment she resigned her job and went to live with her parents. They welcomed her, gave her back her childhood bedroom and cleared out another room for the children when they came. Her father even gave her pocket money and paid her petrol so she could collect the children. She was back where she'd been fifteen years before, a school leaver waiting to go to University, living resentfully with her parents, lonely and poor and uncertain what she wanted from life.

With nothing else to do, she made an effort to get in touch with a few people she knew from school who had stayed in the locality. They now had big houses, intimidating corporate husbands and hordes of boisterous children. Only once was she careless enough to explain the circumstances of her marriage breakdown and was met by such incomprehension she never mentioned it again.

She found a job eventually as a clerical assistant in an accountancy practice. It was tedious work and poorly paid but freed her from the humiliation of taking her father's pocket money. The children were now with Jack in the week in term and she visited or collected at the weekend. At half term she brought them home to her parents and did her best to make a home for them, always feeling they'd rather be on the south coast with the beach down the road and Jack and Hazel to make a cheerful home. To rub it in, Amy announced one day she was a vegan and refused to eat the meal her grandmother had cooked. It caused consternation all round until the next day Amy made it clear she thought chicken and cheese were allowed.

Caroline was still living with her parents when the children had moved into the new school year and Christmas had come and gone. She'd fallen into a depressed state where, loneliness, boredom, poverty, lack of stimulation from work and exhaustion from long journeys to collect the children had combined to leave her incapable of positive action. The real issue, she knew, was that she was hiding from her future. She'd failed in her life and lacked the confidence to make things better. Her parents treated her as if she had suffered a breakdown and never knew what to say to her, afraid of making things worse.

The divorce eventually came through and that was another bad day. She went out to protect her parents from her misery.

The irony of her new life was that she looked forward most to her visits to Brighton. The Friday after the divorce, she drove to Brighton, saw almost nothing of Jack because he had evening classes to teach, and drove home with the children. They were eating dinner, having arrived back late at her parents, when Amy announced, "Daddy and Hazel are getting married."

There hadn't been much conversation before; now there was silence. Caroline saw her parents staring at her and eventually managed to say, "They must be very happy, but I'm surprised. I didn't know Hazel believed in marriage."

"It's because she's having a baby," explained Ben.

"How do you know that?" Caroline demanded.

"I was listening to Hazel and Dad talking. I hope it means the baby's my proper brother and not just a half."

Again her parents said nothing, looking at her to say the right thing. Caroline made a big effort to collect her thoughts. "That's not how it works Ben. It's half because our family is split in two. You're half my family, half Jack and Hazel's."

"So I have two families – one here and one in Brighton?"

'Shut up Ben!' Caroline wanted to shout, but her own voice spoke quietly to her alone: "And I had two lovers. Two isn't double one and I have nobody to love me now."

She felt she was being crushed under an immense weight. Her self-serving lies collapsed and she understood what she'd done. Whatever she'd gained from her liaison with Damien had cost everything she had – house, job and husband. She was back where she'd started with nothing to show for the fifteen years between. She had her children, but only half of them. They were hurt and looked at her with angry, accusing eyes. They knew she'd driven away their father and they'd never forgive her. She looked at the faces round the table – they all knew it; it was only she who'd not been able to see what she'd done.

"The baby may be a girl," said Amy. "If she's only half my sister she can be half someone else's. I won't mind."

Caroline rushed from the table and shut herself in her room. Alone in bed, she cried all night. For the first time she accepted that she hadn't just experienced bad luck, she'd been wrong. Whatever she'd won had been insubstantial, like a gambler who puts the housekeeping budget on an outsider and wins. Winning once only made eventual disaster more certain. And winning gave a momentary buzz for which she paid with the desolation of her whole life.

Ben sat with her after breakfast next morning, irritable and unable to settle on anything to do.

'Mum, do you mind being alone?'

She shook her head.

'Is Hazel your friend too?'

'I think she's very nice.'

'Will you get married again like Dad?'

She wanted to say "No", but said instead, "I'll do everything I can to make sure you see as much of Jack and me as you can."

She knew Ben found it easier to accept Hazel than would be the case if she introduced him to a boyfriend of hers. And if she had a partner she was sure Jack would be less willing to spend time with her – which was all the children wanted. It made her cross, but whenever she suggested to the children that they go out somewhere for a treat, one of them, usually Amy, would say: "Can dad come too?" She'd say this even when she knew he was working two hundred miles away.

Another worry gripped her late in the night. Her children loved her because she was their mother, but they trusted Hazel more. It was Hazel who made sure no harm came to them while she was alone and far away. She'd let them down, so they were right to trust Hazel. They'd learn to love Hazel and when she was old they would visit only out of duty. Hazel would be the grandmother to their children.

She was the cause of all this. There was no one else to blame. And she was damaged too. Never again could she anticipate a relationship of give and take, of trust on both sides, of equality where each knows the other is both strong and weak in all kinds of ways, but will bust a muscle to do the right thing when it matters. People act badly, not out of a desire to gain unfair advantage over others, but because they see life through the distorting lens of self-interest. She'd never trust herself to another relationship because she'd never be confident she could behave honourably.

Caroline didn't expect to go to the wedding, but told Jack she'd have the children while he and Hazel were on their honeymoon. The invitation to the wedding, when it came, was a pleasant surprise. Better to be there than be alone. And she should be there – for the past, for Jack, and for her children.

Apart from making an inordinate effort with her appearance, she made no preparation for the day. Her main objective was to remain calm.

It was a modest event – a civil ceremony at the registry office and a reception in a room at the University. Hazel's mother and sisters were there and some of her colleagues from work, but Jack had nobody. His parents were dead and no friends had survived the divorce and his change of job. It occurred to Caroline as she moved among these people, most of whom had reason to dislike her, that she was there as Jack's one friend. It allowed her to feel a little less like the Ghost of Christmas Past.
She watched Jack kiss his new bride and that was fine because it was expected, but it was a bad moment on the steps outside the registry office when the photographs were taken. First it seemed like a travesty – a picture posed in every detail to imitate and mock the photograph of her own wedding to Jack, displayed on their mantelpiece for ten years – the same pattern of figures posed on the steps, bride centre stage and radiant, groom smug in his happiness, handsome and lean and unaltered. Common sense told her the picture was nothing of the sort – that all wedding pictures were the same in depicting a caricature of simple bliss. Determined to hide her distress, she touched away the tears.

The photographer asked the bridesmaids and page to join the bride and groom, presenting another vision from a nightmare. It was familiar and yet different – her family, but not hers – a scene she could observe but which shut her out: her son unrecognisable in his first suit and his mop of hair slicked back, and her daughter with ribbons and flowers in her hair and a folksy dress with frills and tucks and a tight bodice and long, full skirt. Furious at her weakness, she began to cry, tears dripping off her chin. When Mimi asked if she was alright she lied and said the tears were because of her happiness for her children and for Jack.

She had to stay to the end and couldn't drink because she was driving. When she wasn't dealing with the children she was mostly on her own or seated with Hazel's mother. They chatted easily, said to each other how marvellous Jack was and what a fine couple he made with Hazel. She wasn't certain that Hazel's mother really understood who she was. What they had in common, apart from admiration for Jack, was that they were on their own with their sadness. She stayed clear of Hazel's colleagues, whose contributions on being introduced to "Jack's ex-wife" was an ironic snort of "how bizarre" and "trust Hazel to do the unconventional". Jack sat with her for a while and was kind and gentle, saying how amazing she looked, thanking her for coming and complimenting her on how well the children were doing.

"How is it Jack, second time round?" she asked and hoped she didn't sound bitter.

"It's good," he replied honestly. "I survived. I'm alive and happy. I have a great job. The children are happy. I have a beautiful wife who is pregnant with my child. What more could I want? I'm sorry things didn't work out for you as you hoped."

"I made mistakes and I'm sorry for all the pain I caused. If it's any consolation, I've suffered."

"I know. It doesn't help to look back. We must put what happened behind us. Cherish what we have – Ben and Amy – and be open to what life brings. There's no reason why something wonderful can't happen for you, as it has for me."

"Don't you see? It was being open to life that brought Damien. I need to find work and then I'll lead a simple life – go to work, be with the children as much as I can, get myself sorted out. Maybe I'll grow up. I hope we can be friends and I'm so much looking forward to seeing your baby. I'd like to think that twenty years from now I'll have sorted myself out and be fit to be someone's companion. If we can love one another, even better."

"All I mean is you mustn't give up hope. Take life as it comes, one day at a time, but do what's right."

"You're always the sensible, level-headed one, Jack. I was so proud of you when we were married. I took all that for granted."

"Shut up Caroline. I'm not a saint and you know it. Forget the past and let's be friends."

He was happy. It was impossible to deal with happy people; they just didn't see difficulties.

The final act of a curious day found the children in bed in Hazel's house and Caroline in front of the television watching her favourite soap opera. Hazel had come up with the idea that Caroline should stay in the house with the children while they were away on their honeymoon. It would save money and be good for the children. Jack no longer had the campus flat and it took some pressure off Carline's parents, who loved their grandchildren but were tired out from having their depressed and angry daughter constantly to stay and the children most weekends as well.

Caroline needed time to relax before trying to sleep. She wouldn't think of Hazel as her rival or her conqueror, but she felt defeated all the same, camping in the house, especially as the children rubbed in her status as visitor by acting as if completely at home. They showed her where to find things, how to switch on the heating and how to work the coffee machine – state of the art bean-to-cup, as if she couldn't have guessed. Although she hated herself for doing it, she wandered round the house looking for clues to Jack's new life and how it differed from the one they'd shared. Could it really be that he preferred sourdough bread to white all the time they'd lived together and she'd not known, or did he love Hazel so much he pretended for her sake? And slippers by the front door – was that really Jack?

The next day she threw herself into entertaining the children and they all enjoyed themselves. They went to the sea front and tried the fairground rides and walked back along the promenade to the crazy golf so that Ben could show her how good he'd become. She and Amy stood no chance. Her children were happy and pleased to be with her. Their lives would be perfect if only she could somehow stay forever with them in their new home. And that, they all knew, would never happen.

While the children were at school she looked for a job. If she could find something locally that paid enough for accommodation she could see more of the children, have them in the evening, get them to school, be an equal partner in their lives. Almost at once she found work a few miles down the coast in Hove. She would be the manager of the despatch department of a small internet-based company supplying brass door furniture – not a great job, but better than what she had. They were desperate for help and she arranged to start on the following Monday, when Jack and Hazel would be back. For the first time in a long while she felt optimistic about the future.

The next day she found a two bedroom flat to rent. It was above a shop in a busy street and the parking was poor. Once she was settled she could look for somewhere more suitable, maybe even buy with the money she had left from the sale of the house. It would have to be soon because Ben and Amy couldn't share a bedroom for much longer.

Her new job was hard work. She had little in common with the other staff, but it was a new beginning and nobody had any preconceptions about her. She knew nothing about the business they were in, but was determined to make it a success. Despite the novelty of the work, she found lots to draw on from her experience and soon decided she might be rather good at it. By the end of the first week she had a long list of improvements to suggest to her boss. It was exciting to have responsibilities again and staff who looked to her to make their lives better.

Now she could play her part in the school run and have the children overnight in the week. Suddenly life was a little more normal. There wasn't much fun to be had, but work and cooking for the children was fulfilment where it had once been a chore.

Parking was always a problem at the entrance to Amy's school and she squeezed her car into a narrow space. When she tried to get out she saw that she'd boxed in the man in the car beside her. She reversed a little and got out to wait for her daughter. The man got out too and smiled at her as they stood outside the railings at the school's perimeter.

"Like feeding time at the zoo," he remarked, glancing at her. "I wish they'd let the children out on time instead of leaving us to wait."

"I'm in such a rush I'm only glad I'm in time," she replied cautiously. She knew the man was interested in her. He was respectable, well-made in a conventional, unassuming way and he seemed thoughtful and considerate, but she felt nothing – no curiosity or desire to challenge and make an impact, as she remembered in the early days with Damien. It would be nice to have a companion – someone to do things with and to talk to. But the complications of involvement terrified her. She didn't want commitment and be shown to be inadequate once again.

"Highlight of my day," the man persisted. "You meet all the best people at the school gate. It's a moment of peace before the children arrive when anything's possible."

He looked at her and she smiled thinly. "He is trying hard," she thought. "And really I couldn't care less. What's the matter with me?"

The man must have got the message because he didn't say anything more. Then Amy came out chatting to a little girl who turned out to be the man's daughter. The man looked at her as if this proved they could be friends, but she smiled and jumped into her car. It seemed she'd damaged something deep inside her and lost the ability to connect with others. But later she wasn't so sure. Maybe it was only that she hadn't met the right man. Jack had set a pretty high standard.

It was after the baby's due date when Caroline had a call from Jack asking her to collect the children so that he could take Hazel to hospital. She rushed across town to get the children and took them to her flat. There was no news for twenty four hours and she felt as much tension as if it was her daughter's baby. When the phone eventually rang she let Amy answer and it was the news they'd been waiting for. Amy had a new brother called Oliver Graham, after Hazel's father. Caroline took the phone to check all was well and to offer Jack and Hazel her congratulations. She was delighted to get an invitation to visit as soon as she wanted.

They went at once and found Hazel feeding toothless, bald-headed Oliver Graham. Caroline sat beside her on the settee and Hazel took the baby from her breast, wiped his mouth and passed him to her. His face creased with pain and he was about to cry. Caroline lifted him under his arms to stretch his belly and he burped, his expression clearing. In her arms was a miniature version of Jack, complete with a stern frown – at least, that's what she saw. Cradling the baby, she was calm in a way she hadn't been for a long time. Oliver Graham waved his arms about and his hand grasped her forefinger. Jack was smiling. Ben and Amy were crowding forward to stare in wonderment at their tiny brother, their family complete. Her failures had harmed everyone who was important to her – except here was Oliver Graham, perfect in every way. She must be bold and stop looking back. Life was out there waiting for her to grasp a helping hand. It was never too late to start again and this time she knew how to get it right.



The End