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Don't Ever Look Back Ch. 01

It's said that no one ever forgets their first kiss. In my case, the first girl I kissed also turned out to be the last. Sarah and I met in pre-school and for some reason that no one was ever able to explain we became inseparable. Our first kiss was at seven and I swear it felt like an orgasm was ripping through me as our lips met for the first time. Back then, people thought our puppy love was cute. As we grew older, there was a general expectation that we would drift apart. When we stood at the altar of our rural church fresh out of college to exchange vows, people finally admitted that we were indeed a unique and special couple.

My parents thought the world of Sarah and likewise her parents felt I was like a son. Since Sarah didn't have a brother, I became the de facto son for her dad. From an early age, he would take me with him to their ranch where we would spend time tending to the livestock or hunting. Likewise, Sarah would usually accompany my mom and sisters to trips to the nearest city, seventy miles away, for shopping.

During our rehearsal dinner, I pulled out an old box that was filled with past valentine cards, love notes from elementary school, and other little gifts that Sarah had given me along the way. There were tears from everyone in the room, including the men, but the most special moment was the look of utter love Sarah gave me when she realized how special those things had been to me.

Amazingly, we didn't consummate our relationship until we were freshmen in college. We got by on heavy petting and experimented with oral sex usually in the back seat of my car parked on some quite country road. I have to admit the first several times of "going all the way" were awkward but soon we were past that and spending three or four nights a week in each other's bed.

That was about twenty-two years ago. In between was a move to the city and two kids, a boy and a girl, in quick succession. We had done well in our careers too. Both of us had started on the corporate ladder but Sarah had elected to start her own marketing consulting business and was doing quite well. I had stayed in the corporate world and had risen to the executive level and international engineering company.

Because we had started our family quickly, both kids were now in college. Sam our eldest was a junior and our daughter, Janey, was a freshman. Both attended universities in the state but several hours away from our home.

No one ever said it to my face but I knew that one of the things people found odd about our relationship was the dramatic difference in looks and personality. I'm not bad looking but nothing special either but also quite shy. Sarah on the other hand is best described as beautiful. She was the head cheerleader in high school and is slender with dark hair and perfect proportions. She has never struggled with weight and our two kids actually enhanced her figure by providing a slight rounding to her features. Her shapely legs and butt are her best feature. Along with her looks, is a charming personality that instantly puts people at ease. She attracts men like flies and we've actually had men try to hit on her right in front of me. She is always calm and patient with these guys and shuffles them off quickly without bruising their egos.

Unlike Sarah, I've struggled to maintain the plain looks I had. Weight has been a bit of a problem with me and only recently have I been able to get it back to a reasonable level. I also don't possess anything like her charm. In business settings I do fine but in social gatherings I would be considered a wall flower.

Because of our success, we have a great house in the best part of town with a large pool where we often entertain. We are still close to our parents and they visit us often in the city and we usually visit them in our hometown for holidays. So, all in all, we have a pretty idyllic life with a great future.

At least it was until I saw him one day. You see our perfect time together all these years was marred by one unfortunate occurrence. It was really all my fault and to this day I'm ashamed by my stupidity and behavior. You see, in college, I decided our junior year that we should try dating other people. I had been pestered and teased by my fraternity brother since my freshman year that only geeks stayed with the same girl. Finally, their words, along with the alcohol I had consumed, resulted in a show down one evening where I told her I thought it would be a good idea to date other for a while.

Of course, I used all the stupid clichés about how it would make us closer but all it did was make her cry. It was the first time I had ever made her cry. Usually, she would melt me with just a glance but this time I was being a total jerk and fought off her looks and pleas. Eventually, she just went into the bedroom of her apartment and closed the door and I left.

That was on a Monday. The next weekend was the first time I can remember not being with Sarah when one of us was not ill or out of town with family. Friday, I went out drinking with the boys and was already feeling stupid and resentful for letting them talk me into hurting Sarah. They had arranged a date for me for the next night and promised that once I got into the swing of things I would be fine.

That Saturday a large party was being held by several fraternities at a large lake house owned by one of the guys. The party included a live band and plenty of alcohol. I had a date with Kim, set up by one of my fraternity brothers. Kim was a very pleasant young blond with large breasts. She was very cute and had a big smile and doe eyes that made her appear vulnerable.

We drank and danced and chatted with friends and were doing well together until I spotted Sarah. Sarah was with a couple of her girlfriends and had spotted me and was staring in my direction. While she was looking, Kim put her arm around my waist and hugged me. When I was able to look back at Sarah, her friends were holding her and guiding her away from the crowd. She disappeared from view and my heart told me that I should run to her but something mean inside me compelled me to stay with Kim.

Kim and I continued to party with or group, occasionally dancing, and later I saw that Sarah had come back to the party. I saw her dance a few times with different men which caused a deep wave of resentment and jealousy to come over me that I had to fight back.

Kin was a very nice person but the longer I stayed with the group and drank the lonelier I felt. I knew that if I could be with Sarah everything would be okay and I decided that after I got through this night I would go to her the next day and tell her what a stupid mistake I had made.

It was only a few minutes later that I saw Sarah back dancing. This time, she was with a black guy that I recognized as a member of the football team. This completely shocked me as Sarah and I had grown up in a community with no black's and as far as I knew she had never had any direct contact with one. I was also cringing from the comments I would likely get from my friends if they saw Sarah dancing with a black guy.

It was Dan, a particularly arrogant asshole that noticed first.

"I didn't know Sarah had jungle fever?" He said in a drunken drawl trying to provoke me.

My back was turned watching Sarah but I could hear the snickers behind me from my supposed friends. Only Kim seemed to sense my pain by squeezing my arm to let me know she understood.

"That's Malcolm Johnson she dancing with. The stud freshman running back." Jay, another of my friends added.

I was in for another surprise when one dance turned into two followed by some quiet one-on one conversation at the edge of the crowd before they returned back to the dance floor again. I ignored the shitty comments from my friends while this was going on knowing that if I started with them it would end in a brawl.

It was Kim that finally helped me out be pulling me aside.

"What's the story with you and that girl?" she asked in a tone indicating she really wanted to know.

I gave her a brief description and when I was through she looked at me with arched brows.

"You better go tell her you're sorry and beg her to forgive you." Kim stated in a way that somehow brought total clarity to my confused mind.

"I have to." Was all I could think of to say. Then followed with "I hope you're aren't mad at me."

"I'm not mad. Go get her and I'll catch a ride." She said smiling.

I kissed her on the cheek then took a few steps away from the group to avoid the comments before heading towards the dance floor. As I approached, I looked for Sarah but couldn't spot her in the crowd. So, I circled the dance area twice looking but there was no sign of either of them. I waited and looked for another thirty minutes before concluding that she must have left so I went to my car and drove to her apartment.

By now, it was after midnight and I knocked softly on her door thinking of what I would say and hoping her roommate was not around. After trying several times without success, I drove to my place and paced the floor for an hour before returning and trying again. Back and forth I went for the next ten hours until Sarah finally answered her door at a little before noon.

The door opened and Sarah was standing there in a white terry cloth robe with red sleepy eyes looking like she had just got up.

"Sarah, I'm so sorry I've made such a huge mistake." I blurted out before the door was completely open.

There was a long silence as we looked in each other's eyes before she said "You hurt me. I never ever thought you would hurt me."

I completely lost it and started to cry and tried to step into the apartment to hold her but she stopped me by closing the door until only about six inches were open.

"Go home. I'll call you later." Was all she said as she closed the door the rest of the way.

I went back to my apartment and paced like a caged cat until Sarah finally called me at 10:00 PM that night. I babbled like a baby trying to speak to her explaining what a fool I had been and how it would never happen again. Sarah was calm, so calm that I knew she must be extremely upset, and explained to me softly and deliberately how much I had hurt her and how I had broken our bond.

It was a long recovery period from there. She wanted to talk through every aspect of why I had wanted to split and what had changed my mind. She wanted to know if I was sure that I wanted to be back with her and then warned me there would be no second chance. I spent weeks begging and groveling and professing my love. Finally, things seem to get back on track and four months after that fateful week we made love again. It was another three months after that that I felt we were truly reconnected.

Our parents and friends from our hometown never knew this had occurred. As far as they knew, we were racing towards graduation and marriage and a life together. When we announced our engagement and set a date for the wedding it was something natural and expected.

Then, after all this time, I saw him walking out of an office building downtown in a nice business suit. He was fortunate to have had a very successful college football career before spending five years in the pros. After that, I had no idea of what became of him so seeing him here in our city was a shock.

You see, I had always held in the back of my mind a question as to what had occurred that night after Sarah disappeared from the party. I knew that I couldn't bring it up and have any chance of keeping her when I was trying to get us back together and later it just seemed safer to park the thought. Now seeing him the thoughts were flooding back into my brain. What had happened? Had she gone with him? Had he kissed her or touched her? She said she had been sleeping all night and didn't hear me knocking. Was this true?

I realized I was standing in one place watching him walk away when I heard a voice.

"Yeah that's Malcolm Johnson. Looks like he could still suit up." A stranger said to me thinking I was trying to place a familiar face.

At home that evening, I used the internet to search for him and found out that he was a successful sports agent living in our city. It looked like he had been here for many years and only our chance encounter had brought it and the memories back to my attention.

Like some parasite boring into my brain, the events of that night wouldn't leave my thoughts. I really tried to dismiss them as unimportant, as irrelevant, as distant memories without bearing but every time I let my guard down that came surging back. I found myself collecting info on him. Addresses, phone numbers, tidbits on what he did and who he represented. It became something of an obsession with a purpose that I didn't want to admit but one that I couldn't seem to stop.

I also learned that he was currently divorced but had been married three times and had six children. From old pictures, I was able to find out that at least one of his wives had been white.

For the next four months I fought with myself not to do it all the time knowing I would eventually give in. I actually picked a Friday afternoon, late in the day, to phone hoping that he would have left for the day.

"Hello, Malcolm Johnson, please." I said into the telephone to the receptionist.

"May I say who is calling?" She replied professionally.

"Tell Malcolm that's it's an old friend from college." I answered.

"Hold, please." She responded after a short pause.

"Malcolm Johnson." A booming voice came through the line.

"Uh, yes Mr. Johnson you don't me but we were in school at the same time and I...uh have something I would like to talk to you about." I said stumbling all over the words.

"Who is this and what do you want? I'm a busy man." He said impatiently.

"Well, it's kinda hard to explain I was hoping we could meet to discuss it." I replied, again bumbling through the words.

"No, I ain't going to meet you if you can't tell me what it is." He said as I heard the phone disconnect.

Well, that didn't go well I thought to myself. Maybe it was for the best that it didn't work out I rationalized. Unfortunately, those thoughts didn't stay with me and soon I was once again becoming obsessed with the need to know. I knew I wouldn't get him on the phone again so I began stalking him to learn his habits. I actually left work early a couple times to follow him as he left his office. From this effort, I learned that there was a sports bar on the way to his townhouse where he seemed to like to stop. I decided this would be where I would try to make contact.

It was four weeks before he stopped at the bar on a day I was following. I pulled into the parking lot and found a space across the lot from his car and after giving him ten minutes went inside. He was sitting at the bar with his back to the door with seats open on both sides of him and with a deep breath I sat on the stool to his right.

Malcolm glanced over to me and nodded as I sat. As I ordered a beer I could see him watching the local baseball team on the large TV. Malcolm was drinking vodka straight and after several minutes I made a comment about the play of the team and got a sociable but short response. We went back and forth like this through another round before I summoned my courage.

"You're Malcolm Johnson aren't you?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's me." He answered seeming pleased to be recognized.

"We were in college at that same time." I said.

"Oh, is that right? Cool." He replied.

"Yeah, in fact I think I know a girl you went out with." I told him as my stomach knotted.

"Who's that?" He asked not showing any suspicion.

"Sarah Bennett." I said giving my wife's maiden name.

I saw his eyebrow arch slightly giving an indication of recognition before he spoke.

"Sarah Bennett. That's a name I haven't heard in a long time." He said as a hint of a smile appeared.

I was actually surprised that he had recalled Sarah so easily after so many years. I had anticipated that I would need to describe the situation of their meeting and what she looked like.

"How do you know her?" Malcolm asked me after a brief silence.

"She's my wife." I told him and watched as his face tightened.

This was followed by a period of awkward silence and Malcolm turned and watched the game for a while before turning back to me.

"You're the guy that called a couple weeks ago aren't you?" He demanded more than asked.

"Yeah, that was me." I said trying to hold his stare but looking off after a second.

"Then you've been following me. What the fuck is going on?" He demanded with his voice rising causing the bartender to glance over.

"Easy Malcolm, I'm not some crazy husband. I just wanted to talk and try to learn some things." I replied trying to calm him.

"This seems pretty damn crazy to me." He replied.

I had to admit that it was pretty crazy but I was able to get him to calm down and convinced him to let me buy him a drink and move to a table in a quiet corner of the bar. After sitting down, I gave him an abbreviated history of Sarah and I and how that week in college had been the only blip in our relationship. He listened quietly as I went on to explain that the night she had disappeared with him had always haunted me and I was just trying to understand what had occurred.

"Why don't you ask Sarah?" He asked when I had finished.

"It wasn't a good time back in college to push it and after all these years I don't want to bring it up." I explained.

"Dude, maybe it would be best if you just let it go." He said which served only to heighten my curiosity.

"Believe me I've tried but I can't." I told him.

"I got to go. I'll think about this thing you want. Give me your email address." He said as he stood to leave.

I wrote my personal email address on a napkin and handed to him and he immediately headed for the door. I waited for a few minutes collecting my thoughts and going through the conversation in my head before I paid the check and left.

Three weeks went by before I heard from Malcolm again. His communication was a simple request for some pictures of Sarah. I asked him why he wanted them and received a quick response telling me that getting them was prerequisite for him meeting with me again.

I knew I was being manipulated and I suspected he had rightly determined that I was dealing with an obsession that resulted in limited control. So, I picked out some nice pictures of Sarah making sure to leave out those that showed our kids. Again, I received an almost immediate response. This time he informed me that these were not the kind of pictures he was referring to and that I should send the "good ones".

Now this was more than I had expected and I didn't respond for several days. It wasn't until late on a Friday night, after several glasses of scotch that I scanned through the "special" file for a few sexy shots of Sarah. In the end I selected three; the first was recent and showed her in a bikini and illustrated how well she had stayed in shape; the second was about three years old and was taken over her right shoulder as she sat on the ground in thigh high stockings and a thing. Her breasts were bare and her nipples were erect but from the angle of the picture her face was not shown; in the third she was also about three years old and showed her standing nude in front of a window with light streaming through thin, closed curtains. It showed her tight backside but again her face was not exposed.

As soon as I hit the send button, I began rationalizing that the pictures would not be damaging and relatively uninteresting from an internet perspective. It took almost a week for Malcolm to reply and he did so simply.

Nice pics. Thursday at the same bar. .......Malcolm

That was on a Tuesday and I spent the next two days in a strange mixture of anticipation and dread. Like a moth that can't stay away from the flame I could not break away and leave this thing alone even with my brain screaming at me.
Thursday I showed up at the bar at 5:30 PM and sat their nursing my beer waiting. After an hour and a half, I was just about to leave when Malcolm strode into the room. Dressed in expensive slacks and a tight silk shirt I saw several young women look up to admire his 6'1" frame.

"Hey man, how ya been?" He said with ease counter to my tense state.

"I've been good thanks." I replied.

"How about that beautiful wife? Time's been good to her. She doing okay?" He asked.

"She's fine." I said not sure what else to say.

"Okay, dude. It's your dime. Ask your questions." He said getting right to business.

"Well uh...okay. Well did you leave the lake party with her?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah, we left together." He replied like a witness on the stand adding no details.

"Okay, well where did you go?" I followed.

"Went to a party at the house." He quickly answered and I could tell he was purposefully going to make me go through every detail.

"What house?" I asked.

"The team had this house to party at and to take girls. Some old rich guy set it up for the team." He explained adding a little detail this time.

"So what happened?" I said trying to get him to open up with a less specific question.

"We partied." He replied with a grin.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked now growing frustrated.

"Look dude what the hell do you think happened? You think everyone was sitting around playing cards?" He asked me annoyed at my lack of understanding.

"I don't know it why I'm asking." I replied.

I think he must have accepted my naiveté and sincerity because he sighed heavily then began speaking.

"Okay, look. We went to the house and there were half a dozen guys there with girls and we drank for a while then went to a room. We started kissing and playing but she got nervous when another couple came in and got into the other bed." He explained to me as my brain started pounding.

"I see. So she had her clothes on?" I asked.

"Panties." Was his one word answer. "So, then she left and went home." I asked hoping this was the end.

"No, man. We fell asleep for a while. Then the other guy and girl started fucking again and she got into it." He said.

"What do you mean? The other girl got into it?" I asked now confused.

"Sarah got into it." He replied.

"What do you mean? Can't you just tell me what happened?" I asked fearing the answer but having to know.

"What the fuck man? You want every little detail?" He asked with a strange look.

"Yeah, give me the details." I answered not able to look at him.

"When the other couple woke me up I kissed Sarah to see if she was awake and she was. I slipped my hand into her panties and she was damn wet. I pushed her panties off her and started licking her nipples and kissing her and fingering her until she was hot then rolled on top and got some." He said as I sat there in shock.

"You fucked her." I said more than asked.

"Oh yeah. Was damn good pussy too. Damn good." He offered.

I sat there in silence trying to collect my thoughts and only partially heard the waitress come by asking about drinks. Malcolm ordered another round and when the waitress left we continued.

"So then she left?" I asked with hope.

"No man. We went at it couple times then went over to her apartment and did it some more. Probably was you that made her get out of bed." He said now grinning openly.

My ears were ringing and my head was pounding from the news about Sarah. After all these years, the information I was getting, if true, indicated that I didn't know my wife, the love of my life, anywhere near as much as I thought. I rationalized that I had messed with her head when I had broken up with her and after all it was only one night in almost 40 years of togetherness. It was only when Malcolm's next bomb fall that my world completely collapsed.

"So, I guess you left and haven't seen her again." I said assuming the ending to the story.

"No man. We kept seeing each other for a couple months." He said with a smile now seemingly enjoying my pain.

"That's bullshit. We got back together." I blurted out at him.

"Yeah you were taking her out but I was the one fucking her. She liked this." He laughed and grabbed the side of his thigh. When I sat there dumfounded with no response he added "Nothing like a beautiful and nasty woman."

"Nasty?" The word demanding an explanation.

"Yeah she got her a reputation at that house for liking to be watched. She would get to screaming and people would come and watch." He chuckled.

I was now taking deep breaths trying to keep my composure and not throw up. But, it was important now to hear everything.

"When did she quit seeing you?" I asked meekly.

"She went and got knocked up. I told her I didn't need that hassle." He said bluntly.

"Knocked up? Pregnant?" I asked the last of my world now crumbling.

"Yeah, she went and got pregnant. She was supposed to get on the pill but waited too long." He said.

Sarah and I had always used condoms as she didn't like the thought of hormones being added to her body.

"Jesus Christ, I can't believe this. You mean she got an abortion?" I tried to clarify.

"I told her I didn't want a family and it was time to move on. I don't know what happened after that." He explained.

"A family? She wanted to have the baby?" I asked now almost crying.

"Yeah she had some crazy idea about getting married." He said shaking his head.

My head was spinning and I needed to get out of there and collect my thoughts so I got up but one question came out before I walked away.

"How do you remember so much about something that happened twenty something years ago?" I questioned him.

"Dude, a black man always remembers his first white woman." He replied without hesitation.
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