From out of the frozen Canadian north rides Dudley Do-right of the Mounted Police, defender of truth, justice and the Canadian way. The heroic Constable Do-right and his fellow Mounties stand as a bulwark between law-abiding citizens and the felonious few who would do wrong in the wild and wooly frontier at the closing days of the 19th century. Let's join Dudley today as he rides patrol duty.
"Look, Horse! There's Nell down by the river. It looks like she's having a picnic with another young lady. Let's go over there and say hello."
Nell Fenwick is an auburn-haired beauty and daughter of Inspector Fenwick, commandant of the Mountie camp. She's Dudley's girlfriend but her not so secret crush is on Dudley's horse, Horse. But we won't get into that now since bestiality is totally disgusting, don't you think?
"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it," said Nell.
"Good afternoon, Nell. It's a lovely day, isn't it?"
"Oh hello, Dudley. Yes, it is a lovely day. How's my stallion?"
"I'm just fine."
"I wasn't talking to you," Nell replied as she caressed Horse's nose. "Your mare is ready for you anytime you are."
"Heh heh!" said Horse.
"Did Horse just say heh heh?"
"Neigh!"
"Oh, uh, your friend looks familiar. What is her name?"
"Forgive my manners, Dudley. Please meet my best girlfriend forever, Shirley Whiplash."
"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Whiplash? Nell! That's no woman. That's Snidely Whiplash in a dress." Dudley leaped off his horse and drew his service revolver.
"You're under arrest, Whiplash!"
"On what charge?"
"Impersonating a woman!"
"Dudley Do-right! If you lay a hand on that girl, I'll never speak to you again."
"But Nell!"
"You can't blame him, Nell," said Shirley. "A Mountie's job is to never forgive or forget. Yes, I'm the former Snidely Whiplash but I've reformed. You see, during my last stint in jail, I went to counseling. They made me realize that my anti social behavior was caused by my rage at my being born a woman but stuck in the body of a man. Therefore, I've decided to live the rest of my life as a woman, or as best I can. My former life of murder, mayhem and destruction is behind me. My dearest friend and confidant, Nell Fenwick, has consented to teach me my femininity."
"I don't believe a word of it," said Dudley. "Who in his right mind would ever want to be a woman?"
"I'm a woman, Dudley."
"I know that, Nell but it's too late for *you*."
"What did you say, mister?"
"He's so insensitive, isn't he, Nell? Just like a man! Fortunately you don't have to believe me. A copy of my royal pardon is on file with Inspector Fenwick at the Mountie camp."
"Surely, you jest."
"He's making fun of my name, Nell."
"Just you go check with my father, Constable and leave us girls alone. You've caused enough trouble already." Taking that as good advice Dudley rushed off to the Mountie camp and into the office of Inspector Fenwick.
"Inspector! Snidely Whiplash is in drag and hanging out with your daughter Nell."
"I know, Do-right."
"You know? But—
"Read it and weep." Inspector Fenwick handed Dudley a sheet of paper.
"It really is a royal pardon," said Dudley. "Hmmm. Queen Vicky?"
"I noticed that too," said the inspector. "I've taken the precaution of sending a telegram to the governor general's office to confirm the pardon. Until I get a response, we can't take any action. We'll have to treat Miss Whiplash like the lady she is or suffer the consequences from those minority rights groups."
"She'll have to be watched day and night."
"You're right, Do-right. I'm glad you volunteered."
"Me? But—
"That's an order, Do-right."
"Yes sir," Dudley glumly responded.
"By the way, Nell and Miss Whiplash are having a sleepover here tonight. You're going to be chaperoning."
"Me? But where will you be?"
"The rest of the men and I are going to the pinochle tournament in town. We won't be back until late."
"I like pinochle too, sir."
"You don't know anything about pinochle."
"But I'm very good at kibitzing."
"I know. That's a very good reason for why I want you kept away. The other reason is that tomorrow's payroll is in my office safe and I want you to keep a close eye on that while you're chaperoning the girls just in case."
"You can depend on me, sir."
"You can forget about Dudley chaperoning us unless he's dressed like one of the girls, Father." Apparently Nell had walked in and heard all.
"Dress him any way you like," her father replied.
"But sir!"
"That's an order too, Do-right."
"Yes sir."
*
"Sit still, Drusilla. You're fidgeting."
"I can't help it," Dudley complained. "And my name is Dudley, not Drusilla."
"You're Drusilla if I say you are or I'll tell the other men what you're wearing and you'll be a laughing stock," Nell replied.
"She already is a laughing stock," said Shirley formerly known as Snidely.
"Now if you're a good girl we'll have hot chocolate and marshmallows later on."
"For hot chocolate and marshmallows I'll be a Gibson Girl if you want."
"I still think Drusilla needs a brighter shade of lipstick."
"But I like bubblegum pink," Drusilla insisted. "Don't you think it goes with my pink night gown?"
"I think it looks good too. What shall we do now?"
"Let's play tie up games," Shirley suggested.
"Oh what fun! Who gets tied up first?"
"It's always the chaperone." Shirley just happened to have a length of rope handy and the deed was quickly done. But she didn't stop there and Nell was soon tied up too.
"What happens now," Drusilla asked.
"This is where I blow the safe open and make off with the payroll."
"Oh dear," Nell exclaimed. "I think I've been deceived. How can you do this, Shirley?"
"I do it with TNT and the name is Snidely you dumb bimbo." Putting word to deed, the safe was soon blown open and the cash was stowed in a pillow case.
"So long, suckers!"
"Neigh!" an equine voice exclaimed.
"Horse! What are you doing in Nell's bedroom," Drusilla asked.
"I said tomorrow night, my stall-...I mean stop Snidely, Horse," Nell shouted. "He's got the payroll." Snidely tried to slip past Horse but was unable to escape two well-placed hooves to his backside which sent him crashing into a wall. The day was saved.
"I still can't understand what Horse was doing in your bedroom."
"He was acting as my...watch horse. It's just a part time gig when I'm feeling...insecure."
"No wonder he seems so tired lately."
*
"Well, Snidely Whiplash is back in jail, thank goodness," said Inspector Fenwick. "He won't be sitting down anytime soon either."
"And I'm a sadder but wiser woman, Father," said Nell. "I should have been suspicious when Snidely refused to shave off his mustache."
"By the way, Nell. I just received a shipment of 30 pairs of bloomers. What on Earth do you need that many bloomers for?"
"Oh, they're not for Nell, sir," said Dudley. "They're for the men and me."
"I know I'm going to regret asking, Do-right, but why?"
"I wore a pair of bloomers the night of the sleepover and discovered how much softer and warmer they feel compared to our regulation long johns. When I told the men they all wanted a pair. Everyone in the RCCMP should wear a pair."
"You mean the RCMP, don't you?"
"No sir. It stands for the Royal Canadian *Cross-dressing* Mounted Police."
The End
"Look, Horse! There's Nell down by the river. It looks like she's having a picnic with another young lady. Let's go over there and say hello."
Nell Fenwick is an auburn-haired beauty and daughter of Inspector Fenwick, commandant of the Mountie camp. She's Dudley's girlfriend but her not so secret crush is on Dudley's horse, Horse. But we won't get into that now since bestiality is totally disgusting, don't you think?
"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it," said Nell.
"Good afternoon, Nell. It's a lovely day, isn't it?"
"Oh hello, Dudley. Yes, it is a lovely day. How's my stallion?"
"I'm just fine."
"I wasn't talking to you," Nell replied as she caressed Horse's nose. "Your mare is ready for you anytime you are."
"Heh heh!" said Horse.
"Did Horse just say heh heh?"
"Neigh!"
"Oh, uh, your friend looks familiar. What is her name?"
"Forgive my manners, Dudley. Please meet my best girlfriend forever, Shirley Whiplash."
"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Whiplash? Nell! That's no woman. That's Snidely Whiplash in a dress." Dudley leaped off his horse and drew his service revolver.
"You're under arrest, Whiplash!"
"On what charge?"
"Impersonating a woman!"
"Dudley Do-right! If you lay a hand on that girl, I'll never speak to you again."
"But Nell!"
"You can't blame him, Nell," said Shirley. "A Mountie's job is to never forgive or forget. Yes, I'm the former Snidely Whiplash but I've reformed. You see, during my last stint in jail, I went to counseling. They made me realize that my anti social behavior was caused by my rage at my being born a woman but stuck in the body of a man. Therefore, I've decided to live the rest of my life as a woman, or as best I can. My former life of murder, mayhem and destruction is behind me. My dearest friend and confidant, Nell Fenwick, has consented to teach me my femininity."
"I don't believe a word of it," said Dudley. "Who in his right mind would ever want to be a woman?"
"I'm a woman, Dudley."
"I know that, Nell but it's too late for *you*."
"What did you say, mister?"
"He's so insensitive, isn't he, Nell? Just like a man! Fortunately you don't have to believe me. A copy of my royal pardon is on file with Inspector Fenwick at the Mountie camp."
"Surely, you jest."
"He's making fun of my name, Nell."
"Just you go check with my father, Constable and leave us girls alone. You've caused enough trouble already." Taking that as good advice Dudley rushed off to the Mountie camp and into the office of Inspector Fenwick.
"Inspector! Snidely Whiplash is in drag and hanging out with your daughter Nell."
"I know, Do-right."
"You know? But—
"Read it and weep." Inspector Fenwick handed Dudley a sheet of paper.
"It really is a royal pardon," said Dudley. "Hmmm. Queen Vicky?"
"I noticed that too," said the inspector. "I've taken the precaution of sending a telegram to the governor general's office to confirm the pardon. Until I get a response, we can't take any action. We'll have to treat Miss Whiplash like the lady she is or suffer the consequences from those minority rights groups."
"She'll have to be watched day and night."
"You're right, Do-right. I'm glad you volunteered."
"Me? But—
"That's an order, Do-right."
"Yes sir," Dudley glumly responded.
"By the way, Nell and Miss Whiplash are having a sleepover here tonight. You're going to be chaperoning."
"Me? But where will you be?"
"The rest of the men and I are going to the pinochle tournament in town. We won't be back until late."
"I like pinochle too, sir."
"You don't know anything about pinochle."
"But I'm very good at kibitzing."
"I know. That's a very good reason for why I want you kept away. The other reason is that tomorrow's payroll is in my office safe and I want you to keep a close eye on that while you're chaperoning the girls just in case."
"You can depend on me, sir."
"You can forget about Dudley chaperoning us unless he's dressed like one of the girls, Father." Apparently Nell had walked in and heard all.
"Dress him any way you like," her father replied.
"But sir!"
"That's an order too, Do-right."
"Yes sir."
*
"Sit still, Drusilla. You're fidgeting."
"I can't help it," Dudley complained. "And my name is Dudley, not Drusilla."
"You're Drusilla if I say you are or I'll tell the other men what you're wearing and you'll be a laughing stock," Nell replied.
"She already is a laughing stock," said Shirley formerly known as Snidely.
"Now if you're a good girl we'll have hot chocolate and marshmallows later on."
"For hot chocolate and marshmallows I'll be a Gibson Girl if you want."
"I still think Drusilla needs a brighter shade of lipstick."
"But I like bubblegum pink," Drusilla insisted. "Don't you think it goes with my pink night gown?"
"I think it looks good too. What shall we do now?"
"Let's play tie up games," Shirley suggested.
"Oh what fun! Who gets tied up first?"
"It's always the chaperone." Shirley just happened to have a length of rope handy and the deed was quickly done. But she didn't stop there and Nell was soon tied up too.
"What happens now," Drusilla asked.
"This is where I blow the safe open and make off with the payroll."
"Oh dear," Nell exclaimed. "I think I've been deceived. How can you do this, Shirley?"
"I do it with TNT and the name is Snidely you dumb bimbo." Putting word to deed, the safe was soon blown open and the cash was stowed in a pillow case.
"So long, suckers!"
"Neigh!" an equine voice exclaimed.
"Horse! What are you doing in Nell's bedroom," Drusilla asked.
"I said tomorrow night, my stall-...I mean stop Snidely, Horse," Nell shouted. "He's got the payroll." Snidely tried to slip past Horse but was unable to escape two well-placed hooves to his backside which sent him crashing into a wall. The day was saved.
"I still can't understand what Horse was doing in your bedroom."
"He was acting as my...watch horse. It's just a part time gig when I'm feeling...insecure."
"No wonder he seems so tired lately."
*
"Well, Snidely Whiplash is back in jail, thank goodness," said Inspector Fenwick. "He won't be sitting down anytime soon either."
"And I'm a sadder but wiser woman, Father," said Nell. "I should have been suspicious when Snidely refused to shave off his mustache."
"By the way, Nell. I just received a shipment of 30 pairs of bloomers. What on Earth do you need that many bloomers for?"
"Oh, they're not for Nell, sir," said Dudley. "They're for the men and me."
"I know I'm going to regret asking, Do-right, but why?"
"I wore a pair of bloomers the night of the sleepover and discovered how much softer and warmer they feel compared to our regulation long johns. When I told the men they all wanted a pair. Everyone in the RCCMP should wear a pair."
"You mean the RCMP, don't you?"
"No sir. It stands for the Royal Canadian *Cross-dressing* Mounted Police."
The End