Human sex is a joke all across the Universe. For all other advanced species, sexual reproduction was carried out sensibly—outside the body, in a secure location, with the aim of birthing hundreds to thousands of offspring at a time. But many Earth fauna had evolved to need to fuck, to directly couple and begin gestation inside one animal or the other, an arrangement so ludicrous and absurd that scientists still have not determined how of all the thousands of methods of external reproduction are available, the only ones in evidence on Earth are those displayed by the goddamn prey fish. The whole planet is good for belly laughs every time, but the most popular of all, of course, are the Humans.
Humans, who are basically just freakishly deformed apes that are only barely smart enough to realize how absurd they are. Sometimes. When they’re in the right mood.
Usually discovered early in their development, they became an instant sensation, and in most time-lines their development stops there because they’ve got something very, very important going for them. Humans are the only known material-only species whose form can accommodate a Higher Intelligence, up to and including full local omnipotence to a radius of 1 light year. This means that by taking on the form of a human (or by possessing one if your species is/can disincorporate) one can adopt this absurd habit of procreation, on a temporary and reversible basis.
And then suddenly sex is the best thing ever.
Earth is the most popular tourist destination that ever has been or ever will be. Several hundred thousand different versions of Earth, from timelines scattered all over Eternity, have been converted into planet-wide sex resorts, each catering to a different menu of themes and fantasies. From Bucolic Country Living Earth, where many go to do long-form LARPing among clueless peasants in the distant past, to HR Giger World, home of the sex move called The Murderous Tongue Fuck, there is some kind of weird Earth sex world for almost every taste.
But some people don’t want a theme, they don’t want to revisit the same fantasy over and over. Some people variety. Novelty. Spectacle.
Enter the most popular television broadcast in the history of time: Fucking With Humans.
In this show, a shapeshifting hostess Vivex plays highly sexualized pranks on humans. Often she uses novelty ray guns or other lovingly recreated staples of their preposterous fiction about space travel, but sometimes she makes a point of showing off her reality warping powers. Punchlines to these pranks range from public humiliation to accidental incest to eternal sexual torment to (in at least seventy five episodes) the complete extermination of all life on Earth. By far the most popular pranks rely on some kind of mind break, where a human is suddenly confronted with irrefutable evidence that they are pitiful and helpless in an uncaring Universe. But, you know, in a sexy way.
“Welcome to the season premiere of Fucking With Humans, everyone. It’s been sooo loong since I saw you last.” Vivex throws the back of her hand to her forehead, collapses with her back against a tree, grows out an enormous cock from her crotch. “And things have been sooo haaaard without you.” She’s got a baseball bat sticking up from between her legs now. “Those of you with multidimensional TVs can have sex with me right now if you like,” she says, biting the tip of her pinky. Her smile turns nasty. “Or you can watch me rile up some pathetic weaklings first.”