Special Thanks to Editor DaveT for his valiant attempts at editing (and his holding back thoughts of doing me bodily harm because of my slaughter of innocent grammar and spellings). I made some changes after his edits, so all and any errors are mine.
++++
We have all heard the cliché's, 'Good things happen to those who do good things', 'Play it forward', 'Bread cast upon the waters comes back tenfold', 'God does not always pay on Sundays', etc.
Bullshit, life is more like 'No Good Deed goes Unpunished.'
Of course that was not my thought when a grungy biker looking guy approached me late one night as I was putting the nozzle away from a well-worn pick-up truck, after filling up with gas.
"Hey buddy, can you help a scrambler out?" he asked, looking around
Now I could see why this guy thought I was biker. I had a skull and crossbones bandana wrapped around my head, which supported mirrored sunglasses. A scraggy beard matched the dark splotches on my oil splattered torn jeans. Add in my 6 foot,4 inch frame's not so insignificant belly, which a leather vest and dirty Harley Davidson Tee shirt did not do a good job of hiding, and I looked like the stereotypical biker.
However looks can be deceiving, as I was a complete poser. Not only could I barely ride a tricycle, I had trouble with any car not equipped with an automatic transmission. I was at this gas station only to fill up my Dad's truck after returning from a costume party at his house.
But what the hell. My wife was staying overnight at my Dads cleaning up ,with the kids. Why not live out my fantasy a little longer.
"Whatcha need, Pal?" I said, as I put away a massive billfold, complete with chain I had purchased last week at a flea market.
The biker looked around nervously before speaking. "I must have been doing a ton, when I and the cruiser ate some pavement back there." He pointed out to the darkness beyond the gas station. "Jammed the fork in a damn pothole and got me some fucking road rash doing an OTB. Took me forever to hoof it to here."
This guy was quite the chatterbox, but I had no idea what he was saying so I kept quiet.
"I need your chase here." He pounded on the side of my truck. "To scoop up my ride and ferry me back to the house." The biker pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket. "I can get more at the compound from the club if you need."
"Put that away," I said, as I waved at the money in Chatterbox's hand.
I was having an internal debate. This was a chance to see the inside of a REAL motorcycle hangout. That beat my day job of moving numbers around on a spreadsheet any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I tried to act calm as I scratched at my beard that took me two months to grow for the costume party.
"Get in, "I grunted to my chatterbox biker.
Chatterbox stopped talking for a second as he smiled and opened the passenger door.
++++
The twins rushed into the house the next morning, making me spill my coffee, with only the energy three year old boys can have.
"Daddy, Daddy, look what G'pa gave us!" They were still wearing their Batman costumes from the night before, but both wielding plastic baseball bats.
My wife Ann trailed in after them. "Boys, go change now, then you can go outside and play."
The kids ran to their rooms, whacking each other with the baseball bats as they scurried down the hallway.
"How was Dad?" I asked Ann as I poured her a cup of coffee.
Ann shrugged as she sat down. "Your Dad was happy to see the boys."
Dad and Ann had never 'clicked'. Although Ann had a good steady job as an admin assistant. Dad was not overjoyed when I told him I was going to marry Ann.
"Randal," Dad had said. "Why are you settling for such a plain, dull, boring women? The only reason I can see Ann agreeing to marry you, is you are the best she can get right now."
"Dad, Ann loves me, and I love her. We have the same interests, goals, desires and values. Why do you want to piss on my parade?"
Dad just waved his hand. "Blah, you'll both lead dreary, dull lives, until one day one of you will start wanting something better. Damn, son, live a little! Go get drunk, fuck some strange, howl at the moon. Otherwise you are gonna be saddled with 2.5 kids plus a house with a mortgage, working 9 to 5 as some drone. Do you want your life's highlight to be planning a two week vacation to Disneyworld or the fucking Grand Canyon? That kind of dismal existence is not living, just waiting to die."
Dad did not convince me to drop Ann, and truth be told, we did both work 9 to 5 jobs for the county, and we did look forward to taking the twins to Disneyworld. I did not think it was boring, and Ann seemed to enjoy our life. Of course, we had always lived that way, so how would we know the difference.
Ann's words brought me back to the present. "Your Dad seemed to enjoy the party. It is the first time since your Mom died that he even said something nice to me."
I feigned shock, putting my hand over my heart. "Dad gave you a compliment?"
Ann looked shyly over the rim of her coffee cup. "Yup, he liked my cat woman costume. Said he would love to see me climb a wall."
I laughed as Ann continued. "Your Dad wants his truck back right away. You know how he hates it when he has to drive your Prius Hybrid."
I smirked. "Dad never was exactly a 'Father Knows Best' TV Show, kind of Dad. His bedtime stories were along the lines of '..and all the kids cleaned their room, got Dad a beer and went straight to bed, THE END'.
Now it was Ann's turn to laugh as I leaned back in my chair. "But Ann, let me tell you about my little adventure with Dads truck last night..."
Ann sat mesmerized as I retold what happened. When I finished, she could not stop asking questions.
Finally she ran out of queries. "Randal, you were really at a motorcycle clubhouse? I am a little angry with you. What if something happened? I have seen 'Sons of Anarchy' on Netflix."
I waved my hand at her. "It was fine, they kept trying to get me to go to the back room with a girl.." I saw Ann's face get red, so I quickly added "Of course I didn't. Said I was recovering from a STD. 'Chatterbox', the guy I helped out last night, kept pushing beers on me."
"You don't drink."
"Sure Ann, Randal the accountant does not drink, but Randal the outlaw biker can handle a beer or two. But look what parting gift my new BFF gave me."
Ann watched as I pulled a little cellophane bag out of my shirt pocket.
"Randal, what is that?"
"Damn Ann I thought you were the TV series 'Breaking Bad' biggest fan. I think it is crystal meth. At least it looks like crystal meth."
"You are not going to try it, are you?" Ann said looking toward the hallway where the twins continued whacking each other with the plastic bats.
"Naw, I'll turn it over to the sheriff on Monday." I scratched my beard. "That reminds me, I got to shave this thing."
Ann ran a hand over my face, "Why don't you wait on that. The boys are busy, let's go into the bedroom and you can show me how an outlaw biker treats his old lady."
++++
I turned over the small bag to the sheriff, who was an old friend from high school, along with my biker tale on Monday.
On Friday he called me into his office. I still had my beard, Ann had really gotten into the whole 'Outlaw biker and old lady' role playing. Who was I to argue? If it got me this much sex, I would be Superman and pretend to fly, even though I can't even swim.
The Sheriff had another man in his office. The guy had "Government' written all over him. He was DEA and got right to the point.
"That dope you got is high quality stuff we think is coming from somewhere north, maybe out of Canada. We have never been able to establish a logistics route. Think you can help us out and make some introductions?"
I could not help stifle my laugh. "You can't be serious. Last weekend was a freak occurrence. Do not let the beard fool you, I move numbers around for a living, not drugs. You must have undercover guys for this kind of stuff."
"Oh we do, real good guys too." DEA continued. "But we need someone to make introductions. As a CI or confidential informant, you can do and say a lot more than a law enforcement officer. We just need a contact."
The Sheriff broke in. "Randal, think of it as an acting role, like the plays in High school. You know, all the world's a stage kinda thing."
I had done some walk on parts in high school, college and even at the local community theatre. There was always a role for the big dumb guy. But this was a whole different ballgame.
I looked at both of them in amazement. "Sure, all the worlds a stage and everyone is under-rehearsed and unprepared. Somehow I don't think being an elf in the school Christmas pageant is the same as pretending to be a meth dealing biker."
DEA spoke up. "Don't worry we will be behind you all the way."
"Oh Yeah? How far behind me?"
DEA ignored my comment. "You know how to get in touch with the guy?"
I pointed a finger at my head. "I do numbers for a living remember? I got it right here."
++++
NINE MONTHS LATER
The large banquet hall was filled to capacity for the celebration. It was an alphabet of law enforcement agencies, DEA, ATF, FBI, IRS, DHS, even the RCMP along with the State Troopers and a dozen county sheriffs offices. They were all celebrating the end of "Operation Great White" which had netted over 100 arrests and rolled up one of the west's biggest transportation, shipping and distribution meth operations.
Me? I was celebrating the end of my 'not so consensual' undercover CI role. No matter how many times I tried to get out, I was always being drawn back into the operation. The last eight months I had been moved to a different location to help with establishments of other agents cover and my family's safety. I had never been separated from my wife and sons so long, and was not happy about it.
Now I was sitting at a table, with my wife and father accepting constant congratulations from the fellows around the room. My Dad kept telling me how proud he was of me. Of course he was half sloshed from the open bar. Ann was also looking pretty tipsy after more than a few glasses of champagne.
My Dad had his arm around my shoulder "God Damn, Randal my son! You are fucking REAL man after all. I couldn't believe it when that Government Attorney guy showed up and said the cops needed your help."
I tried not to breath in my Dads booze breath. "Ah.. thanks Dad. I appreciate you looking after Ann and the boys for me. I know it must have been difficult."
Dad grabbed Ann with his other arm so abruptly she spilled her drink. "No worries.."He slurred. "Me and your bride got along fine... in fact.."
"We missed you." Ann broke in, moving out of Dads grasp and giving me a hug. "I missed you, the boys missed you. I wish you did not have to have been away so long..."
Suddenly a screeching feedback filled the room as a tall handsome man tried to speak into a podium mic.
He was the Federal Attorney who was given the task of overseeing "Operation Great White" when its scope became apparent.
"Let T Bone, the next Governor, speak!" A drunk voice yelled out from the crowd.
The Tall Man at the mic just smiled and waved at the assembled lawmen. I had been filled in by lots of the cops about him. From a wealthy, well connected political family on the coast, William T Boone or 'T Bone' had been an undergrad at Stanford, done Law school at Harvard, and after a stint in the Military JAG, was punching his ticket with the US Attorney's Office to groom him for a future Governor race.
As 'T Bone' droned on about what a great day this as for law abiding citizens, and how much safer the nation was, his pride, etc. I kept looking into Ann's eyes, she winked at me and crept her hand under the table to stroke my groin. My shock must have been evident on my face as Ann smiled and sped up her movements.
I glanced at my watch, wondering if we could slip away unnoticed.
++++
We were unable to slip away, and had to wait until the end of the entire event. Fortunately a nice town car had been provided for us. Dad was well-oiled, repeating himself to the driver about his 'Big Bad Undercover Son'. Ann was beyond tipsy and never took her eyes off me, holding onto my hand in a death grip. I was feeling no pain either, and wished the driver would hurry to my home.
I do not recall how I ended up in the living room alone, but remember my youngest boy shaking me awake.
"Whoa son, what are you doing up so late?" I asked in a stupor, taking him into my arms.
"G'pa and Mom are making lots of noise in the room and woke me up."
The boys each had their own rooms, but had moved in together so my Dad could take one of their rooms and stay with Ann when I got moved to the undercover house.
I carried my groggy son, stumbling up the stairs and putting him in bed. I then staggered to the room my Dad was staying in and opened the door.
At first my brain refused to register the image sent from my pupils. I rubbed my eyes thinking it was a side effect of the booze I had consumed earlier.
The curtain in the window was open. It was a full moon. The light was so bright you could have read a newspaper by it. However, now the moonlight was illuminating my naked wife Ann astride my equally naked Father, doing her best cowgirl riding a bronco impression.
I could see his cock going in and out of Ann's pussy as she rose and fell on him. Ann's hands were kneading her breasts as he supported her hips, assisting in the pulling and pushing. Both their eyes were closed and they were moaning.
I had the strangest thought that they had not even turned down the covers, as the bedspread Disney cartoon characters seemed to animate and mock me while Ann and my Father thrust together.
I shook my head violently, then bit the inside of my cheek. The sharp pain in my mouth told me I was awake. I do not know how long I stood frozen in place, but the changing pitch of Ann's moaning snapped me out of my stupor, as I knew that sound signaled the start of her orgasm.
I reached out and yanked Ann off my Father, throwing her to the floor. Dad must have been on the verge also, as his semen spurted all over the main Disney character from Aladdin.
I picked up my sons small, colored Playskool desk and slammed the lightweight plastic furniture onto the form in the bed as my wife scrambled on her hands and knees to the wall.
Slamming the door behind me I strode to the hall closet and pulled down the top shelf, scattering everything, until I found what I was looking for.
The bedroom door opened, and my wife and Dad peeked out. A Lion King sheet they were holding partially hid their nakedness. Both slammed the door closed when I spun around pointing my Grandfather's Korean War era Colt Model M1911A .45 pistol at them.
In two steps I reached the bedroom door, and in one move kicked it open. Ann and my Dad were cowering against the far wall.
"Randal wait!" Ann pleaded.
"Son you don't understand.." my Dad started, his forehead bleeding from the encounter with the Playskool desk.
I racked the slide on the .45 pistol and pointed it at my Dad. I heard a noise and looked down to see him pissing on himself.
"NO! Randal! NO!" screamed Ann.
I whipped the gun in her direction, then in my father's direction, back and forth, my mind a fog. I started to squeeze the trigger, but at the last second jerked the gun upward and a shot fired into the ceiling.
No one moved as the gunshot echo faded, than a small voice stopped me cold.
"Daddy, I can't sleep."
Turning around, I saw my son was standing in the doorway, clutching his teddy bear.
Everything froze in time, but the fog in my mind cleared. I motioned with the gun barrel at my Dad and wife. "Get out." I rasped. "Take the boys, leave the house."
Ann scrambled past me, gathering up my son as she left the room. My Dad was siding around the edge of the wall toward the door.
"Son, I know this ..." he started before I backhanded him, the pistol barrel striking him in the face knocking him out the door.
I sat on the bed and put my head between my knees.
++++
It was very awkward at the police station. Yesterday I was part of the law enforcement fraternity. hile not an officer, I had put myself on the line and many of the 'real' undercover cops had given what I thought were overblown exaggerations of my exploits to help them in 'Operation Great White'.
Also, there was the fact the county lock-up was overcrowded with arrests from the raids. I was dead meat if they put me anywhere near the current holding cells. I was placed in a room normally used to hold low risk juveniles with a bed, and even a TV.
The next morning the sheriff brought me a take out meal, and more bad news.
"Randal I don't know what to say, so I will give it to you straight. It looks bad, you wife has obtained a restraining order against you. Some wet behind the ears ASA, who doesn't understand, filed a bunch of charges already." He rubbed his neck. "The paperwork seems to have been..ah ..misplaced for the time being."
I looked at him, but said nothing.
"Randal, your wife is in my office now." I snorted as he continued. "If I let her in here, you promise to behave? I mean I got to be here, but I will stand over there in the corner and let you two have your say."
I took a deep breath, "I appreciate all you're doing, but there is not much to say. But I guess I do not have a lot of control now over what you're going to do, right?"
The sheriff cracked a smile. "Well, it is my jail."
He walked over and banged on the door twice. We sat in silence for a few minutes until a deputy opened the door and my wife Ann stepped in.
The sheriff stood up offering Ann his chair as he moved to the far corner of the room behind her.
Ann looked a mess as she tentatively sat on the offered chair about a yard from me.
"Randal I do not know what to say..."
"Um..how about 'I have restraining order against you so you, even though you have not seen your sons for 8 months, I can't see them anymore because I want to fuck your old man."
I saw the sheriff's eyes open wide at my statement and Ann pulled a tissue from her purse.
"It was not like that, Randal. Your Dad is in the hospital you know. After the ..event at the house he had chest pains and they called an ambulance."
"I do not give a shit where your incest fuck buddy is at. All I care about is where are my children now?"
"They are at the house. A friend is staying with them."
"Another one of your relatives? How 'Deliverance' of you. Is this some first cousin you are screwing, or an Uncle?"
"She is a friend from work, and not related."
I leaned back in my chair. "I didn't know you swung both ways, but I guess there is a lot I didn't know."
"Randal stop this, it is not helping."
"Oh I am sorry Ann, it my first time dealing with incest, not to mention a cheating wife, and having my children kept from me. I'll need your guidance in this area."
It was not incest. Your Father and I are not blood related. I will get the restraining order dropped, I told the ASA I'll refuse to testify against you about anything. I was scared. You pointed a gun at me."
"My apologies Ann, I was unsure of the rules of etiquette when you come across your wife fucking her father in law. If I misspoke about incest, again my bad. Tell me Ann, does it not being incest make you more, or less, of a cheating slut?"
"Randal you must let me explain, I know you have it in you to forgive me. I swear to God nothing like this will ever happen again."
Now I was starting to get pissed. "Ann, even the Devil believes in God. Why should I want to forgive you or believe you."
"Because we belong together. You can search the far corners of the globe and never find a mate like me."
"Well thank God the world is round, so your inbred ass can stay in some skanky dark corner where you belong. What else you got?"
"I can't imagine how upset you are Randal, so I will give you some time to digest all this. But please understand it was never planned. I just missed you so much, I was so lonely, and your Dad suddenly became nice to me. It was like he was a different person when he found out you were working undercover. He was busting his buttons trying to keep the secret." She wiped her eyes. "We would sit around the table after the twins had gone to bed a lot of evenings. He had his beer and me with a few glasses of wine."
"Please do not go with the booze made me do it."
"I won't insult you by saying that. It is just your Dad.."
"He is not my Dad anymore."
Ann looked at me shocked before continuing. "Well..um, he started talking about your Mom and the good times they had. This made me miss you even more, one night we were trading funny 'blue' stories like the time the kids almost caught us having sex in the shower. He told some torrid stories about your Mom back in their younger days. Suddenly he got so sad, and you know how I am after a few glasses of wine Next thing you know..."
I held up my hand to stop her. "Sheriff?" I said looking at him. "Can I borrow two of your pens please?"
The Sheriff looked at me suspiciously. "Why do you want two of my pens?"
"So I can poke my eardrums out before this slut starts giving me details about fucking my Moms husband."
Ann's face got beet red. "I was not going to go into details Randal. I just wanted to say how it started and how aghast I was in the morning, give you some context."
"Great!" I said throwing my hands up. "Fuck him once , Fuck him everyday, what's the difference right?"
Now Ann started to get upset. "It was not like that! I stayed away from him, even considered asking him to move back to his house. But that would have just hurt the twins. They were already acting out because you were gone. Then two weeks later I was having a real shitty day, I had not heard from you in a week, I was depressed, work was terrible, and the twins were acting their age, everything was just a mess. I broke down crying that evening and your Da.. um..he was just so understanding. It wasn't for the sex, it was for the... the... I don't know ..comfort."
I couldn't sit still any longer and popped up. The sheriff took a step, but I did not move toward Ann.
"COMFORT? You were fucking him for Comfort? What, Ann, there was no cookie dough ice cream in the house?" I sat back down. "And the night of my triumphant return? Was that the final Big Bang? One more screw for old time's sake?"
Ann at least looked embarrassed. "That was a mistake." She saw my face and backtracked. "They were all mistakes, but that last one was the most stupid. I was so happy and horny you were back, plus I really had a lot to drink. Your Da..he talked me into it one last time, just for closure he said. He would not let me leave the room, kept pestering me. You were passed out on the sofa downstairs. My booze mind told me one more time would not matter."
"So Ann, for the first time in 8 months I was going to get to make love to my wife, but you were going to give me his sloppy seconds? God, I think I am going to hurl."
Tears started to form in Ann's eyes. "I swear that is not what I was thinking. I was not even thinking that far ahead. At most I thought you were out for the count and I could bathe later. Be all fresh and ready for you in the morning, we would make a whole day catching up."
I took a deep breath. "Ann you do know this means divorce. I cannot live with what you did to me. I know it is going to be tough on the kids, but I cannot live with you after that. I may not be some 'He Man Rambo', but I do have some self-respect."
She turned toward me. "Randal do you just want me to just crawl into a hole someplace? Is that it? Go away and suffer a slow and painful death."
"No Ann." I replied. "I do not wish you a slow and painful death, something quick, perhaps like an airplane crash." There was shock in her face. "I already have a suit picked out for your funeral. However, if you want me to speak at the burial, don't expect any kind words at your parting."
This time Ann jumped up and ran to the exit. The sheriff pounded twice and she escaped when the Deputy opened the door.
+++++
I was held for another day, as no one knew what to do with me. I alternated between depression and resignation. A steady stream of cops, both undercover and otherwise I had worked with, stopped in to commiserate. Most all had been divorced at least once, I guess it goes with the territory. Few had kind words about their ex-wives, and I heard plenty of horror stories about divorce court. I guess their advice can best be summed up as "Bitches be Crazy."
On the third day, I was escorted by two men who had 'Government' written all over them, to a huge suite in the downtown hotel. I was surprised to see in the middle of the suite, taking on a cell phone in front of window overlooking the city 'T Bone', the Federal District attorney that was oversaw 'Operation Great White' and was overseeing the Federal Court case against a lot of the major players.
He waved me to a plush chair, where a silver coffee service was laid out.
I was pouring myself a cup of coffee when T Bone ended his call and took a seat across from me.
"What the hell is this Jerry Springer shit you got going on? I do not need this kind of sideshow fucking up the biggest case in my career."
T Bone may be a Federal Attorney, but I was past caring. What was he going to do, throw me in jail? Take my kids away from me? "Gee, T Bone, I am sorry my wife having an affair, and screwing my own father is interfering with your political career. I will ask the slut to take more care with her partners in the future so as to not inconvenience you."
T Bone got a shocked look on his face, than broke into a laugh. "You do got a big set of balls on you, don't you?" He picked up a coffee cup. "But I should have known that after reading the reports of some of the stuff you pulled during this operation."
I kept drinking my coffee.
"We need this to go away Randal. I leaned pretty heavy on the State Attorney to withhold the charges that dipwad's office had pending. That office has a major Federal Grant in the pipe and he does not want me holding it up. There is a lot of heavy lifting coming up and I need you as one of my star witnesses to have his head in the game. What do I need to do to make you happy?"
"Easy, first I want to see my kids, like yesterday." T Bone nodded as he tapped something on a PC table. "And get me a divorce from that inborn slut of a wife."
"Whoa Randal. You sure you want to get rid of the women over a little bedroom antics?"
I looked at him like he was crazy. "T Bone, that women Ann, screwed my own father in my son's bedroom."
T Bone just shrugged. "So? My Dad has a string of mistresses around the world. My Mom is fucking every pool boy and tennis pro of legal age. They are going to be married 30 years next June. The important thing is they are there for each other when it is needed. Marriage is all about appearances and what your spouse can do for you. It's not the Middle Ages, you don't own each other's bodies."
I shook my head. "Maybe in your crowd, but I take 'forsaking all others' seriously."
T Bone leaned back. "What about 'Till death do us part', or 'for better or worse', you recall those portions of your marriage contract?"
I put down my cup. "Well, I don't want you to kill her.."
T Bone slapped me on the shoulder, and laughed. "You would have made a good lawyer, always looking for the loopholes. Let me set up a meeting and see what I can do."
+++++
T Bone was true to his word about getting me to see my kids, even if Ann was not, as the restraining order was still in place. However having US Federal Marshals pick up and watch over the children while they were visiting me reinforced her objections of the danger I would pose.
I was still barred from my house, but T Bone took care of that too.
"Randal, this 3 bedroom suite is all yours. Order anything you want from clothes to a bunch of call girls. As we like to say in Government service, 'Nothing is too good when it's someone else's money'."
I looked around the huge suite. "Uh..Thanks T Bone, but I do not need 3 bedrooms."
T Bone wave his hand. "Well two of the bedrooms are for the US Marshalls keeping you company. You pissed off some mighty violent people. I need to keep you safe."
"This would not have anything to do with keeping me away from Ann and out of jail, would it."
T Bone gave me what looked like a campaign smile. "Now you see the big picture, you understand, we aren't dealing with the planet of apes here. Just let me try to take care of it, okay?"
++++
A week later we were seated in a massive conference room at some law office T Bone was pals with.
Ann tried to sit next to me, but I got up and moved to the other side of the table. T Bone looked irritated at my maneuver.
"Okay, can we stop the musical chairs now?" T Bone said, clapping his hands. "The purpose of this little get together is how do we make all parties involved whole?"
Ann spoke up. "I never wanted any of this. I just want Randal to come home, and forget everything so we can start over, pretend it never happened."
"Randal?" T Bone said, and all eyes turned to me.
"Not going to happen. That is like saying "If dinosaurs had space ships they would still be around today."
Ann looked at me. "Don't start. There is hope for us still."
"Hope is a sign of foolishness. My life is over here, I cannot stay in this town any longer. I have to quit my job, move, start over."
T Bone tapped the table. "Well good, finally some place I can help you both out here. Randal, Ann, I can have you placed in WITSEC, the Witness Security Program run by the US Marshals, more commonly known as the Witness Protection Program. You both get new identities, jobs, a complete clean slate. Like one big do over."
Ann was having none of that. "I am not uprooting my whole family. I have lived in this place my entire life, all my friends are here, my hairdresser, my OBGYN. I just can't pack up and start over."
T Bone did his best and tried to allay Ann's fears. "I assure you there are many fine stylists and competent medical professionals in other parts of the county. The US Marshals have a great program to get you set up, complete with everything from dentists to day care. Everything will be OK in the end."
"And what if it's not OK?" Ann said crossing her arms.
T Bone shrugged. "Then it is not the end yet."
T Bone's cell phone rang, he looked at the number and scowled. "Excuse me, I need to take this." And he walked to a corner of the room turning his back.
Ann looked at me. "Randal we need to end this charade. I admit I screwed up big time. But you need to take some responsibility too. If you had been thinking of your family and not gone off playing 'Serpico' we would never be in this mess."
Ann held up her hand when I tried to speak. "And yes Randal, I accept the major part of the fault for what happened. But look at you, all you can think of is yourself. The hospital called, your Dad is asking for you. Have you even seen him?"
"Yes Ann, I see you and him fucking in my son's room on the Aladdin bedspread every time I close my eyes. I may never watch another Disney cartoon ever again."
Ann gritted her teeth. "I know I made a mistake, but I am only human. I have given you time to get over it. Now it is time to pull up your big boy pants and let us get on with our life."
"So that's your solution? You pull down your big slut girl pants to fuck your kid's Grandfather, and I need to 'get over it'?
"I didn't say it would be easy, go do what you have to do to make it right in your mind. Go screw a bunch of women if you think it would make us even."
"So I can give your sister a call?"
Ann's face registered shock. "You..wouldn't!"
I knew I had gotten to her now. Ann's sister was the complete opposite of Ann. A tall, sexy, curvy babe and a megawatt smile with an outgoing personality to match that had guys buzzing around her since puberty. The family joke was Ann had got the brains and her sister the beauty. Ann was extremely insecure when it came to her sister.
"Sure Ann, why not? She always liked me." That was kinda true, in reality Ann's sister like all guys and was always up for a good time.
"My sister is ..off limits." Ann stuttered.
"What? You want me to fuck your mother?"
"You're sick. She is old enough to be YOUR mother"
"Really? You banged a guy, many times I may add, that was old enough to be your kids Grandfather."
"It was not that often Randal. Don't make it more than it was."
"Ann, the only place 'fucking your relatives' kind of behavior is normal is on the Jerry Springer show."
"I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"
"I want to divorce your inbred, white trash, trailer park, hillbilly, incest loving, slut ass."
"Goddamn it Randal, I am the mother of your children, not any of those things."
"Really? What do you call it when someone screws their relatives?"
"A mistake! A single stupid error in judgment, never to be repeated. I am not going to wait forever Randal, and I am not going to pay for it for the rest of my life because your ego can't take a little hit. You divorce me and I will do everything in my power to keep your kids from you. I don't care who your big shot friends are." She pointed at T Bone talking in the corner. "It will be like sandpaper, I will use every means to wear you down."
Just then T Bone ended his phone call and walked back to the table. Flashing his vote getting smile, he asked.
"Okay, now where were we?"
++++
The next few months had me wishing for my boring life back. The days were filled with depositions with the armies of law firms the defendants from "Operation Great White' had snagged. The evenings were debriefings and going over reams of reports and transcripts from 'Operation Great White'. I felt like the Great White Dope for ever getting involved in the whole mess.
The only bright spot was getting to see my boy's. They were always thrilled to be with me. T Bone spared none of the taxpayers expense to make sure the twins and I had a good time together. However in the divorce proceedings T Bone's influence ran out.
"Sorry Randal." T Bone said. "The judge assigned to your case is a cranky old bastard a year from mandatory retirement. Plus the old goat has a hard on for the Federal Government, so I if I try some back door stuff, it may do you more harm than good."
He tried to cheer me up. "I got two guys trailing your wife Ann. She refused federal protection, but that does not mean we cannot keep an eye on her for the sake of your children's safety. Naturally any bad behavior they observe can be used in a court of law."
"You get anything?"
T Bone signed. "No, not really. Your wife Ann is drinking a bit more than usual, and I had your sheriff set up a 'random' traffic stop on her route home from work. She was within the legal limit, but just barely."
I was thinking about the whole mess I was in. "It is just so unfair." I said.
T Bone thought I was talking about his tactics. "Randal, anytime you find yourself in a fair fight you have planned very poorly."
+++++
Early one Sunday morning two Federal Marshalls rushed into my room and roused me out bed.
"Hurry! Get up! We got to go NOW!"
I am not a 'morning person', so everything was a blur to me, when I woke up fully, I found myself in the basement of the courthouse.
The room was filled with a dozen people, Marshals, sheriffs, Feds, but everyone seemed to defer to an older gentleman sitting at some type of table with a secretary next to him.
I was stunned when a door opened and T Bone, followed by my wife Ann, who appeared to be hung over were escorted into the room.
Ann looked bewildered (as was I), when she was placed in a chair. There was a hush in the room as T Bone approached the older man at the desk. The US Marshall next to me whispered. "That's the Federal Magistrate for this district."
T Bone started speaking in a clear voice. "Your honor we have requested this emergency hearing to have an immediate order of protection placed for the wards of one of my witnesses in an ongoing Federal Case."
T Bone pivoted and pointed at Ann. "I request that we have that woman's children removed from her domicile immediately as she has placed these minors, the Federal Government's key witness children, in grave danger and harm's way."
Ann jumped out of her chair. "I have NEVER done anything to hurt my babies! And I NEVER WILL!"
One of the US Marshall put her hand on Ann's shoulder and forced her back into the chair.
T Bone continued as if Ann had never spoken. "We are dealing with some violent elements in this case, and I was fearful of witness tampering and outside forces trying to coerce our case. The lady there," he pointed at Ann, "refused offered protection, but I had resources assigned to her discreetly for her own safety."
T Bone then passed some papers to Federal Magistrate. "I also had the one of the legal owners of the house give permission to install surveillance inside the domicile for security. An astute precaution as it turned out."
T Bone nodded at a man who started a video being displayed on a 70 inch screen.
The video showed the inside of my house. An obviously drunk Ann staggered in the door with a grungy looking biker guy. When he turned I recognized him. It was 'Chatterbox'!, the damn guy I had met from the outlaw biker gang that had started this whole mess.
T Bone kept up a running commentary about 'Chatterboxes' criminal history, outstanding wants and warrants and how he had met Ann that night and their interaction. I was listening with half an ear as I watched them proceed up the stairs as the video switched to a camera in the bedroom.
Mercifully T Bone fast forwarded through Chatterbox and Ann's sexual escapades, although watching them go thru the motions of fucking at 30x speed did have some comic appeal, especially when Ann was sucking him, trying to get Chatterbox up for the 3rd time.
T Bone resumed normal speed when it appeared Ann had fallen asleep, exhausted from her exertions. Chatterbox jumped off the bed and raced down the stairs. He opened the front door and a host of bikers raced in, ransacking the house, opening every drawer and shelf.
I rose out of my chair when I saw one of the bikers open my son's bedroom door. The Marshall next to me whispered. "Don't worry we were watching the whole time. There was a heavily armed SRT unit at both doors waiting to burst in if needed."
My mind came back to T Bone speaking, as Ann's 'guests' exited the house on the video monitor.
"Your honor the SRT team was able to apprehend the men you saw in that video. All were armed, and all had a history of violent crime. It is only good fortune that no one was injured."
Ann started crying, sobbing into her hands.
T Bone continued talking. 'The children have temporarily been relocated into a safe environment at a federal facility, and I request they be placed with their father, and later in WITSEC for their own protection."
Ann jumped out of her chair shaking off a Marshals attempt to restrain her. "YOU cannot take my children God Damn you!"
The Federal Magistrate looked up as Ann was bear hugged by a man in a Sheriff Deputy outfit. "Ma'am, from what I have seen on video, and read in this report, you willing invited a known wanted felon into your home. Thus you placed the welfare of the children in jeopardy, with utter disregard to the consequences of your actions."
I watched him sign some papers. "I so order that the minors in question be placed in the male parents care until such time as the authorities feel they are able to enter WITSEC. Any contact with the mother is prohibited and shall be prohibited until determined by the same governing authorities, keeping the welfare of the minors as priority factor."
Ann was still struggling with the Deputy, when the Federal Magistrate stood up. "I deem these proceeding closed." and walked out.
I was still stunned by this turn of events that when T Bone came over to me I could barely speak. "T Bone, how did you pull that off!" It just hit me I would get to be with my kids full time. "You are the smartest man on earth."
T Bone shrugged. "Most people don't change. It was a matter of time before she did something stupid." He gave me a lopsided grin. "And for the record, anytime you think you are the smartest guy in the room, it's time to find a new room."
+++++
It like deja vu, the same juvenile room, same bed, same TV in the jail. Except this time I was now sitting on the chair with T Bone behind me, and Ann was sitting on the bed.
"It's not over, Randal." Ann spat at me. "You are not taking me away from my babies."
"You still looking to do that sandpaper thing on me? Wear me down?"
Ann just stared at me.
"The thing is Ann, that sandpaper can scratch, and rip and irritate. But after all that, the item is nice and polished, the sandpaper is worthless."
There was a long silence before Ann looked down at her hands. "I didn't know how it happened. I knew I was drinking too much, but I do not want to blame the booze. I was at the gas station filling up, when I came out after paying and my rear tire was flat. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just started crying."
Ann pushed the hair out of her eyes before speaking again. "That biker guy seemed to come out of nowhere. Turns out he is a cousin from my Mom's side. I knew him from my aunts wedding a long time ago. He just pushed my car off to the side, and changed the tire. I was so scared, but he just kept talking, the more he talked, the more at ease I felt. When he put his arm around me I did not stop him, it just felt so nice to finally have someone understand what I was going through." Ann brought her head up to look at me. "He declined the money I offered him, but said he would buy me a drink. Claimed I was in no shape to drive home, said a drink would calm me down. At first it was fun, sitting in the bar swapping old stories and catching up. Next thing you know I am being hustled out of my bed and my babies are being taken from me."
Ann looked at T Bone. "My own Government is trying to steal my children. What's the difference between you and them? Huh, what is the difference?"
T Bone cleared his throat. "Those people are greedy men, who have no feeling or respect for anyone or anything. They will destroy anything that gets in their way to get what they want." T Bone took a step forward before continuing. "WE work for the United States Federal Government."
Ann took a deep breath. "Randal, I swear it is all a big misunderstanding, one giant screw up." She reached out to touch my chest. "I need you to think, listen to your heart."
I removed Ann's hand from my shirt. "When I hear you speak Ann, all I can hear are banjos, and all I can think is 'paddle faster', get away."
++++
I finally got my boring life back. It was a strange road that gave me a new face, along with liposuction that got rid of my belly fat faster than any exercise. In a strange way to save government money I was thrown together with a Russian Mob widow during WITSEC orientation. She had lost both her children in a car bomb attempt and was missing her children badly. As a coincidence, my children were missing a Mom. It was a good fit, and somehow I saw T Bone's fingerprints all over that one.
I now live in a small southern town by the coast near the middle of nowhere with a new name. The boys also got to pick their own names. It took a while to dissuade them that being called 'Ironman' was not an acceptable moniker. We keep them busy, and they now rarely ask questions about their past.
T Bone did run for Governor, but lost in his first attempt. He is now an ambassador to some European country.
Ann and Dad? Marshals notified me that Dad passed away. Anything left in his will I had given to Charity. Turns out I was entitled to a portion of the unclaimed and seized funds from Operation 'Great White', not a zillion dollars, but enough for a boring lifestyle.
Ann still lives in the same town. You know how people talk in a small town, so she has not had an easy time of it. I send her pictures of the twins at Christmas through the US Marshal dead drop. When they are eighteen I will let them decide what they want to do.
For now I just want to enjoy being the dull boring guy I was meant to be. Right now we are planning a trip to Disneyland.
++++
Things like this never happen, right? Go 'google' TJ Brewer, an Undercover narcotics officer in Utah who caught his wife and father under similar circumstances.
++++
We have all heard the cliché's, 'Good things happen to those who do good things', 'Play it forward', 'Bread cast upon the waters comes back tenfold', 'God does not always pay on Sundays', etc.
Bullshit, life is more like 'No Good Deed goes Unpunished.'
Of course that was not my thought when a grungy biker looking guy approached me late one night as I was putting the nozzle away from a well-worn pick-up truck, after filling up with gas.
"Hey buddy, can you help a scrambler out?" he asked, looking around
Now I could see why this guy thought I was biker. I had a skull and crossbones bandana wrapped around my head, which supported mirrored sunglasses. A scraggy beard matched the dark splotches on my oil splattered torn jeans. Add in my 6 foot,4 inch frame's not so insignificant belly, which a leather vest and dirty Harley Davidson Tee shirt did not do a good job of hiding, and I looked like the stereotypical biker.
However looks can be deceiving, as I was a complete poser. Not only could I barely ride a tricycle, I had trouble with any car not equipped with an automatic transmission. I was at this gas station only to fill up my Dad's truck after returning from a costume party at his house.
But what the hell. My wife was staying overnight at my Dads cleaning up ,with the kids. Why not live out my fantasy a little longer.
"Whatcha need, Pal?" I said, as I put away a massive billfold, complete with chain I had purchased last week at a flea market.
The biker looked around nervously before speaking. "I must have been doing a ton, when I and the cruiser ate some pavement back there." He pointed out to the darkness beyond the gas station. "Jammed the fork in a damn pothole and got me some fucking road rash doing an OTB. Took me forever to hoof it to here."
This guy was quite the chatterbox, but I had no idea what he was saying so I kept quiet.
"I need your chase here." He pounded on the side of my truck. "To scoop up my ride and ferry me back to the house." The biker pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket. "I can get more at the compound from the club if you need."
"Put that away," I said, as I waved at the money in Chatterbox's hand.
I was having an internal debate. This was a chance to see the inside of a REAL motorcycle hangout. That beat my day job of moving numbers around on a spreadsheet any day of the week and twice on Sunday. I tried to act calm as I scratched at my beard that took me two months to grow for the costume party.
"Get in, "I grunted to my chatterbox biker.
Chatterbox stopped talking for a second as he smiled and opened the passenger door.
++++
The twins rushed into the house the next morning, making me spill my coffee, with only the energy three year old boys can have.
"Daddy, Daddy, look what G'pa gave us!" They were still wearing their Batman costumes from the night before, but both wielding plastic baseball bats.
My wife Ann trailed in after them. "Boys, go change now, then you can go outside and play."
The kids ran to their rooms, whacking each other with the baseball bats as they scurried down the hallway.
"How was Dad?" I asked Ann as I poured her a cup of coffee.
Ann shrugged as she sat down. "Your Dad was happy to see the boys."
Dad and Ann had never 'clicked'. Although Ann had a good steady job as an admin assistant. Dad was not overjoyed when I told him I was going to marry Ann.
"Randal," Dad had said. "Why are you settling for such a plain, dull, boring women? The only reason I can see Ann agreeing to marry you, is you are the best she can get right now."
"Dad, Ann loves me, and I love her. We have the same interests, goals, desires and values. Why do you want to piss on my parade?"
Dad just waved his hand. "Blah, you'll both lead dreary, dull lives, until one day one of you will start wanting something better. Damn, son, live a little! Go get drunk, fuck some strange, howl at the moon. Otherwise you are gonna be saddled with 2.5 kids plus a house with a mortgage, working 9 to 5 as some drone. Do you want your life's highlight to be planning a two week vacation to Disneyworld or the fucking Grand Canyon? That kind of dismal existence is not living, just waiting to die."
Dad did not convince me to drop Ann, and truth be told, we did both work 9 to 5 jobs for the county, and we did look forward to taking the twins to Disneyworld. I did not think it was boring, and Ann seemed to enjoy our life. Of course, we had always lived that way, so how would we know the difference.
Ann's words brought me back to the present. "Your Dad seemed to enjoy the party. It is the first time since your Mom died that he even said something nice to me."
I feigned shock, putting my hand over my heart. "Dad gave you a compliment?"
Ann looked shyly over the rim of her coffee cup. "Yup, he liked my cat woman costume. Said he would love to see me climb a wall."
I laughed as Ann continued. "Your Dad wants his truck back right away. You know how he hates it when he has to drive your Prius Hybrid."
I smirked. "Dad never was exactly a 'Father Knows Best' TV Show, kind of Dad. His bedtime stories were along the lines of '..and all the kids cleaned their room, got Dad a beer and went straight to bed, THE END'.
Now it was Ann's turn to laugh as I leaned back in my chair. "But Ann, let me tell you about my little adventure with Dads truck last night..."
Ann sat mesmerized as I retold what happened. When I finished, she could not stop asking questions.
Finally she ran out of queries. "Randal, you were really at a motorcycle clubhouse? I am a little angry with you. What if something happened? I have seen 'Sons of Anarchy' on Netflix."
I waved my hand at her. "It was fine, they kept trying to get me to go to the back room with a girl.." I saw Ann's face get red, so I quickly added "Of course I didn't. Said I was recovering from a STD. 'Chatterbox', the guy I helped out last night, kept pushing beers on me."
"You don't drink."
"Sure Ann, Randal the accountant does not drink, but Randal the outlaw biker can handle a beer or two. But look what parting gift my new BFF gave me."
Ann watched as I pulled a little cellophane bag out of my shirt pocket.
"Randal, what is that?"
"Damn Ann I thought you were the TV series 'Breaking Bad' biggest fan. I think it is crystal meth. At least it looks like crystal meth."
"You are not going to try it, are you?" Ann said looking toward the hallway where the twins continued whacking each other with the plastic bats.
"Naw, I'll turn it over to the sheriff on Monday." I scratched my beard. "That reminds me, I got to shave this thing."
Ann ran a hand over my face, "Why don't you wait on that. The boys are busy, let's go into the bedroom and you can show me how an outlaw biker treats his old lady."
++++
I turned over the small bag to the sheriff, who was an old friend from high school, along with my biker tale on Monday.
On Friday he called me into his office. I still had my beard, Ann had really gotten into the whole 'Outlaw biker and old lady' role playing. Who was I to argue? If it got me this much sex, I would be Superman and pretend to fly, even though I can't even swim.
The Sheriff had another man in his office. The guy had "Government' written all over him. He was DEA and got right to the point.
"That dope you got is high quality stuff we think is coming from somewhere north, maybe out of Canada. We have never been able to establish a logistics route. Think you can help us out and make some introductions?"
I could not help stifle my laugh. "You can't be serious. Last weekend was a freak occurrence. Do not let the beard fool you, I move numbers around for a living, not drugs. You must have undercover guys for this kind of stuff."
"Oh we do, real good guys too." DEA continued. "But we need someone to make introductions. As a CI or confidential informant, you can do and say a lot more than a law enforcement officer. We just need a contact."
The Sheriff broke in. "Randal, think of it as an acting role, like the plays in High school. You know, all the world's a stage kinda thing."
I had done some walk on parts in high school, college and even at the local community theatre. There was always a role for the big dumb guy. But this was a whole different ballgame.
I looked at both of them in amazement. "Sure, all the worlds a stage and everyone is under-rehearsed and unprepared. Somehow I don't think being an elf in the school Christmas pageant is the same as pretending to be a meth dealing biker."
DEA spoke up. "Don't worry we will be behind you all the way."
"Oh Yeah? How far behind me?"
DEA ignored my comment. "You know how to get in touch with the guy?"
I pointed a finger at my head. "I do numbers for a living remember? I got it right here."
++++
NINE MONTHS LATER
The large banquet hall was filled to capacity for the celebration. It was an alphabet of law enforcement agencies, DEA, ATF, FBI, IRS, DHS, even the RCMP along with the State Troopers and a dozen county sheriffs offices. They were all celebrating the end of "Operation Great White" which had netted over 100 arrests and rolled up one of the west's biggest transportation, shipping and distribution meth operations.
Me? I was celebrating the end of my 'not so consensual' undercover CI role. No matter how many times I tried to get out, I was always being drawn back into the operation. The last eight months I had been moved to a different location to help with establishments of other agents cover and my family's safety. I had never been separated from my wife and sons so long, and was not happy about it.
Now I was sitting at a table, with my wife and father accepting constant congratulations from the fellows around the room. My Dad kept telling me how proud he was of me. Of course he was half sloshed from the open bar. Ann was also looking pretty tipsy after more than a few glasses of champagne.
My Dad had his arm around my shoulder "God Damn, Randal my son! You are fucking REAL man after all. I couldn't believe it when that Government Attorney guy showed up and said the cops needed your help."
I tried not to breath in my Dads booze breath. "Ah.. thanks Dad. I appreciate you looking after Ann and the boys for me. I know it must have been difficult."
Dad grabbed Ann with his other arm so abruptly she spilled her drink. "No worries.."He slurred. "Me and your bride got along fine... in fact.."
"We missed you." Ann broke in, moving out of Dads grasp and giving me a hug. "I missed you, the boys missed you. I wish you did not have to have been away so long..."
Suddenly a screeching feedback filled the room as a tall handsome man tried to speak into a podium mic.
He was the Federal Attorney who was given the task of overseeing "Operation Great White" when its scope became apparent.
"Let T Bone, the next Governor, speak!" A drunk voice yelled out from the crowd.
The Tall Man at the mic just smiled and waved at the assembled lawmen. I had been filled in by lots of the cops about him. From a wealthy, well connected political family on the coast, William T Boone or 'T Bone' had been an undergrad at Stanford, done Law school at Harvard, and after a stint in the Military JAG, was punching his ticket with the US Attorney's Office to groom him for a future Governor race.
As 'T Bone' droned on about what a great day this as for law abiding citizens, and how much safer the nation was, his pride, etc. I kept looking into Ann's eyes, she winked at me and crept her hand under the table to stroke my groin. My shock must have been evident on my face as Ann smiled and sped up her movements.
I glanced at my watch, wondering if we could slip away unnoticed.
++++
We were unable to slip away, and had to wait until the end of the entire event. Fortunately a nice town car had been provided for us. Dad was well-oiled, repeating himself to the driver about his 'Big Bad Undercover Son'. Ann was beyond tipsy and never took her eyes off me, holding onto my hand in a death grip. I was feeling no pain either, and wished the driver would hurry to my home.
I do not recall how I ended up in the living room alone, but remember my youngest boy shaking me awake.
"Whoa son, what are you doing up so late?" I asked in a stupor, taking him into my arms.
"G'pa and Mom are making lots of noise in the room and woke me up."
The boys each had their own rooms, but had moved in together so my Dad could take one of their rooms and stay with Ann when I got moved to the undercover house.
I carried my groggy son, stumbling up the stairs and putting him in bed. I then staggered to the room my Dad was staying in and opened the door.
At first my brain refused to register the image sent from my pupils. I rubbed my eyes thinking it was a side effect of the booze I had consumed earlier.
The curtain in the window was open. It was a full moon. The light was so bright you could have read a newspaper by it. However, now the moonlight was illuminating my naked wife Ann astride my equally naked Father, doing her best cowgirl riding a bronco impression.
I could see his cock going in and out of Ann's pussy as she rose and fell on him. Ann's hands were kneading her breasts as he supported her hips, assisting in the pulling and pushing. Both their eyes were closed and they were moaning.
I had the strangest thought that they had not even turned down the covers, as the bedspread Disney cartoon characters seemed to animate and mock me while Ann and my Father thrust together.
I shook my head violently, then bit the inside of my cheek. The sharp pain in my mouth told me I was awake. I do not know how long I stood frozen in place, but the changing pitch of Ann's moaning snapped me out of my stupor, as I knew that sound signaled the start of her orgasm.
I reached out and yanked Ann off my Father, throwing her to the floor. Dad must have been on the verge also, as his semen spurted all over the main Disney character from Aladdin.
I picked up my sons small, colored Playskool desk and slammed the lightweight plastic furniture onto the form in the bed as my wife scrambled on her hands and knees to the wall.
Slamming the door behind me I strode to the hall closet and pulled down the top shelf, scattering everything, until I found what I was looking for.
The bedroom door opened, and my wife and Dad peeked out. A Lion King sheet they were holding partially hid their nakedness. Both slammed the door closed when I spun around pointing my Grandfather's Korean War era Colt Model M1911A .45 pistol at them.
In two steps I reached the bedroom door, and in one move kicked it open. Ann and my Dad were cowering against the far wall.
"Randal wait!" Ann pleaded.
"Son you don't understand.." my Dad started, his forehead bleeding from the encounter with the Playskool desk.
I racked the slide on the .45 pistol and pointed it at my Dad. I heard a noise and looked down to see him pissing on himself.
"NO! Randal! NO!" screamed Ann.
I whipped the gun in her direction, then in my father's direction, back and forth, my mind a fog. I started to squeeze the trigger, but at the last second jerked the gun upward and a shot fired into the ceiling.
No one moved as the gunshot echo faded, than a small voice stopped me cold.
"Daddy, I can't sleep."
Turning around, I saw my son was standing in the doorway, clutching his teddy bear.
Everything froze in time, but the fog in my mind cleared. I motioned with the gun barrel at my Dad and wife. "Get out." I rasped. "Take the boys, leave the house."
Ann scrambled past me, gathering up my son as she left the room. My Dad was siding around the edge of the wall toward the door.
"Son, I know this ..." he started before I backhanded him, the pistol barrel striking him in the face knocking him out the door.
I sat on the bed and put my head between my knees.
++++
It was very awkward at the police station. Yesterday I was part of the law enforcement fraternity. hile not an officer, I had put myself on the line and many of the 'real' undercover cops had given what I thought were overblown exaggerations of my exploits to help them in 'Operation Great White'.
Also, there was the fact the county lock-up was overcrowded with arrests from the raids. I was dead meat if they put me anywhere near the current holding cells. I was placed in a room normally used to hold low risk juveniles with a bed, and even a TV.
The next morning the sheriff brought me a take out meal, and more bad news.
"Randal I don't know what to say, so I will give it to you straight. It looks bad, you wife has obtained a restraining order against you. Some wet behind the ears ASA, who doesn't understand, filed a bunch of charges already." He rubbed his neck. "The paperwork seems to have been..ah ..misplaced for the time being."
I looked at him, but said nothing.
"Randal, your wife is in my office now." I snorted as he continued. "If I let her in here, you promise to behave? I mean I got to be here, but I will stand over there in the corner and let you two have your say."
I took a deep breath, "I appreciate all you're doing, but there is not much to say. But I guess I do not have a lot of control now over what you're going to do, right?"
The sheriff cracked a smile. "Well, it is my jail."
He walked over and banged on the door twice. We sat in silence for a few minutes until a deputy opened the door and my wife Ann stepped in.
The sheriff stood up offering Ann his chair as he moved to the far corner of the room behind her.
Ann looked a mess as she tentatively sat on the offered chair about a yard from me.
"Randal I do not know what to say..."
"Um..how about 'I have restraining order against you so you, even though you have not seen your sons for 8 months, I can't see them anymore because I want to fuck your old man."
I saw the sheriff's eyes open wide at my statement and Ann pulled a tissue from her purse.
"It was not like that, Randal. Your Dad is in the hospital you know. After the ..event at the house he had chest pains and they called an ambulance."
"I do not give a shit where your incest fuck buddy is at. All I care about is where are my children now?"
"They are at the house. A friend is staying with them."
"Another one of your relatives? How 'Deliverance' of you. Is this some first cousin you are screwing, or an Uncle?"
"She is a friend from work, and not related."
I leaned back in my chair. "I didn't know you swung both ways, but I guess there is a lot I didn't know."
"Randal stop this, it is not helping."
"Oh I am sorry Ann, it my first time dealing with incest, not to mention a cheating wife, and having my children kept from me. I'll need your guidance in this area."
It was not incest. Your Father and I are not blood related. I will get the restraining order dropped, I told the ASA I'll refuse to testify against you about anything. I was scared. You pointed a gun at me."
"My apologies Ann, I was unsure of the rules of etiquette when you come across your wife fucking her father in law. If I misspoke about incest, again my bad. Tell me Ann, does it not being incest make you more, or less, of a cheating slut?"
"Randal you must let me explain, I know you have it in you to forgive me. I swear to God nothing like this will ever happen again."
Now I was starting to get pissed. "Ann, even the Devil believes in God. Why should I want to forgive you or believe you."
"Because we belong together. You can search the far corners of the globe and never find a mate like me."
"Well thank God the world is round, so your inbred ass can stay in some skanky dark corner where you belong. What else you got?"
"I can't imagine how upset you are Randal, so I will give you some time to digest all this. But please understand it was never planned. I just missed you so much, I was so lonely, and your Dad suddenly became nice to me. It was like he was a different person when he found out you were working undercover. He was busting his buttons trying to keep the secret." She wiped her eyes. "We would sit around the table after the twins had gone to bed a lot of evenings. He had his beer and me with a few glasses of wine."
"Please do not go with the booze made me do it."
"I won't insult you by saying that. It is just your Dad.."
"He is not my Dad anymore."
Ann looked at me shocked before continuing. "Well..um, he started talking about your Mom and the good times they had. This made me miss you even more, one night we were trading funny 'blue' stories like the time the kids almost caught us having sex in the shower. He told some torrid stories about your Mom back in their younger days. Suddenly he got so sad, and you know how I am after a few glasses of wine Next thing you know..."
I held up my hand to stop her. "Sheriff?" I said looking at him. "Can I borrow two of your pens please?"
The Sheriff looked at me suspiciously. "Why do you want two of my pens?"
"So I can poke my eardrums out before this slut starts giving me details about fucking my Moms husband."
Ann's face got beet red. "I was not going to go into details Randal. I just wanted to say how it started and how aghast I was in the morning, give you some context."
"Great!" I said throwing my hands up. "Fuck him once , Fuck him everyday, what's the difference right?"
Now Ann started to get upset. "It was not like that! I stayed away from him, even considered asking him to move back to his house. But that would have just hurt the twins. They were already acting out because you were gone. Then two weeks later I was having a real shitty day, I had not heard from you in a week, I was depressed, work was terrible, and the twins were acting their age, everything was just a mess. I broke down crying that evening and your Da.. um..he was just so understanding. It wasn't for the sex, it was for the... the... I don't know ..comfort."
I couldn't sit still any longer and popped up. The sheriff took a step, but I did not move toward Ann.
"COMFORT? You were fucking him for Comfort? What, Ann, there was no cookie dough ice cream in the house?" I sat back down. "And the night of my triumphant return? Was that the final Big Bang? One more screw for old time's sake?"
Ann at least looked embarrassed. "That was a mistake." She saw my face and backtracked. "They were all mistakes, but that last one was the most stupid. I was so happy and horny you were back, plus I really had a lot to drink. Your Da..he talked me into it one last time, just for closure he said. He would not let me leave the room, kept pestering me. You were passed out on the sofa downstairs. My booze mind told me one more time would not matter."
"So Ann, for the first time in 8 months I was going to get to make love to my wife, but you were going to give me his sloppy seconds? God, I think I am going to hurl."
Tears started to form in Ann's eyes. "I swear that is not what I was thinking. I was not even thinking that far ahead. At most I thought you were out for the count and I could bathe later. Be all fresh and ready for you in the morning, we would make a whole day catching up."
I took a deep breath. "Ann you do know this means divorce. I cannot live with what you did to me. I know it is going to be tough on the kids, but I cannot live with you after that. I may not be some 'He Man Rambo', but I do have some self-respect."
She turned toward me. "Randal do you just want me to just crawl into a hole someplace? Is that it? Go away and suffer a slow and painful death."
"No Ann." I replied. "I do not wish you a slow and painful death, something quick, perhaps like an airplane crash." There was shock in her face. "I already have a suit picked out for your funeral. However, if you want me to speak at the burial, don't expect any kind words at your parting."
This time Ann jumped up and ran to the exit. The sheriff pounded twice and she escaped when the Deputy opened the door.
+++++
I was held for another day, as no one knew what to do with me. I alternated between depression and resignation. A steady stream of cops, both undercover and otherwise I had worked with, stopped in to commiserate. Most all had been divorced at least once, I guess it goes with the territory. Few had kind words about their ex-wives, and I heard plenty of horror stories about divorce court. I guess their advice can best be summed up as "Bitches be Crazy."
On the third day, I was escorted by two men who had 'Government' written all over them, to a huge suite in the downtown hotel. I was surprised to see in the middle of the suite, taking on a cell phone in front of window overlooking the city 'T Bone', the Federal District attorney that was oversaw 'Operation Great White' and was overseeing the Federal Court case against a lot of the major players.
He waved me to a plush chair, where a silver coffee service was laid out.
I was pouring myself a cup of coffee when T Bone ended his call and took a seat across from me.
"What the hell is this Jerry Springer shit you got going on? I do not need this kind of sideshow fucking up the biggest case in my career."
T Bone may be a Federal Attorney, but I was past caring. What was he going to do, throw me in jail? Take my kids away from me? "Gee, T Bone, I am sorry my wife having an affair, and screwing my own father is interfering with your political career. I will ask the slut to take more care with her partners in the future so as to not inconvenience you."
T Bone got a shocked look on his face, than broke into a laugh. "You do got a big set of balls on you, don't you?" He picked up a coffee cup. "But I should have known that after reading the reports of some of the stuff you pulled during this operation."
I kept drinking my coffee.
"We need this to go away Randal. I leaned pretty heavy on the State Attorney to withhold the charges that dipwad's office had pending. That office has a major Federal Grant in the pipe and he does not want me holding it up. There is a lot of heavy lifting coming up and I need you as one of my star witnesses to have his head in the game. What do I need to do to make you happy?"
"Easy, first I want to see my kids, like yesterday." T Bone nodded as he tapped something on a PC table. "And get me a divorce from that inborn slut of a wife."
"Whoa Randal. You sure you want to get rid of the women over a little bedroom antics?"
I looked at him like he was crazy. "T Bone, that women Ann, screwed my own father in my son's bedroom."
T Bone just shrugged. "So? My Dad has a string of mistresses around the world. My Mom is fucking every pool boy and tennis pro of legal age. They are going to be married 30 years next June. The important thing is they are there for each other when it is needed. Marriage is all about appearances and what your spouse can do for you. It's not the Middle Ages, you don't own each other's bodies."
I shook my head. "Maybe in your crowd, but I take 'forsaking all others' seriously."
T Bone leaned back. "What about 'Till death do us part', or 'for better or worse', you recall those portions of your marriage contract?"
I put down my cup. "Well, I don't want you to kill her.."
T Bone slapped me on the shoulder, and laughed. "You would have made a good lawyer, always looking for the loopholes. Let me set up a meeting and see what I can do."
+++++
T Bone was true to his word about getting me to see my kids, even if Ann was not, as the restraining order was still in place. However having US Federal Marshals pick up and watch over the children while they were visiting me reinforced her objections of the danger I would pose.
I was still barred from my house, but T Bone took care of that too.
"Randal, this 3 bedroom suite is all yours. Order anything you want from clothes to a bunch of call girls. As we like to say in Government service, 'Nothing is too good when it's someone else's money'."
I looked around the huge suite. "Uh..Thanks T Bone, but I do not need 3 bedrooms."
T Bone wave his hand. "Well two of the bedrooms are for the US Marshalls keeping you company. You pissed off some mighty violent people. I need to keep you safe."
"This would not have anything to do with keeping me away from Ann and out of jail, would it."
T Bone gave me what looked like a campaign smile. "Now you see the big picture, you understand, we aren't dealing with the planet of apes here. Just let me try to take care of it, okay?"
++++
A week later we were seated in a massive conference room at some law office T Bone was pals with.
Ann tried to sit next to me, but I got up and moved to the other side of the table. T Bone looked irritated at my maneuver.
"Okay, can we stop the musical chairs now?" T Bone said, clapping his hands. "The purpose of this little get together is how do we make all parties involved whole?"
Ann spoke up. "I never wanted any of this. I just want Randal to come home, and forget everything so we can start over, pretend it never happened."
"Randal?" T Bone said, and all eyes turned to me.
"Not going to happen. That is like saying "If dinosaurs had space ships they would still be around today."
Ann looked at me. "Don't start. There is hope for us still."
"Hope is a sign of foolishness. My life is over here, I cannot stay in this town any longer. I have to quit my job, move, start over."
T Bone tapped the table. "Well good, finally some place I can help you both out here. Randal, Ann, I can have you placed in WITSEC, the Witness Security Program run by the US Marshals, more commonly known as the Witness Protection Program. You both get new identities, jobs, a complete clean slate. Like one big do over."
Ann was having none of that. "I am not uprooting my whole family. I have lived in this place my entire life, all my friends are here, my hairdresser, my OBGYN. I just can't pack up and start over."
T Bone did his best and tried to allay Ann's fears. "I assure you there are many fine stylists and competent medical professionals in other parts of the county. The US Marshals have a great program to get you set up, complete with everything from dentists to day care. Everything will be OK in the end."
"And what if it's not OK?" Ann said crossing her arms.
T Bone shrugged. "Then it is not the end yet."
T Bone's cell phone rang, he looked at the number and scowled. "Excuse me, I need to take this." And he walked to a corner of the room turning his back.
Ann looked at me. "Randal we need to end this charade. I admit I screwed up big time. But you need to take some responsibility too. If you had been thinking of your family and not gone off playing 'Serpico' we would never be in this mess."
Ann held up her hand when I tried to speak. "And yes Randal, I accept the major part of the fault for what happened. But look at you, all you can think of is yourself. The hospital called, your Dad is asking for you. Have you even seen him?"
"Yes Ann, I see you and him fucking in my son's room on the Aladdin bedspread every time I close my eyes. I may never watch another Disney cartoon ever again."
Ann gritted her teeth. "I know I made a mistake, but I am only human. I have given you time to get over it. Now it is time to pull up your big boy pants and let us get on with our life."
"So that's your solution? You pull down your big slut girl pants to fuck your kid's Grandfather, and I need to 'get over it'?
"I didn't say it would be easy, go do what you have to do to make it right in your mind. Go screw a bunch of women if you think it would make us even."
"So I can give your sister a call?"
Ann's face registered shock. "You..wouldn't!"
I knew I had gotten to her now. Ann's sister was the complete opposite of Ann. A tall, sexy, curvy babe and a megawatt smile with an outgoing personality to match that had guys buzzing around her since puberty. The family joke was Ann had got the brains and her sister the beauty. Ann was extremely insecure when it came to her sister.
"Sure Ann, why not? She always liked me." That was kinda true, in reality Ann's sister like all guys and was always up for a good time.
"My sister is ..off limits." Ann stuttered.
"What? You want me to fuck your mother?"
"You're sick. She is old enough to be YOUR mother"
"Really? You banged a guy, many times I may add, that was old enough to be your kids Grandfather."
"It was not that often Randal. Don't make it more than it was."
"Ann, the only place 'fucking your relatives' kind of behavior is normal is on the Jerry Springer show."
"I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"
"I want to divorce your inbred, white trash, trailer park, hillbilly, incest loving, slut ass."
"Goddamn it Randal, I am the mother of your children, not any of those things."
"Really? What do you call it when someone screws their relatives?"
"A mistake! A single stupid error in judgment, never to be repeated. I am not going to wait forever Randal, and I am not going to pay for it for the rest of my life because your ego can't take a little hit. You divorce me and I will do everything in my power to keep your kids from you. I don't care who your big shot friends are." She pointed at T Bone talking in the corner. "It will be like sandpaper, I will use every means to wear you down."
Just then T Bone ended his phone call and walked back to the table. Flashing his vote getting smile, he asked.
"Okay, now where were we?"
++++
The next few months had me wishing for my boring life back. The days were filled with depositions with the armies of law firms the defendants from "Operation Great White' had snagged. The evenings were debriefings and going over reams of reports and transcripts from 'Operation Great White'. I felt like the Great White Dope for ever getting involved in the whole mess.
The only bright spot was getting to see my boy's. They were always thrilled to be with me. T Bone spared none of the taxpayers expense to make sure the twins and I had a good time together. However in the divorce proceedings T Bone's influence ran out.
"Sorry Randal." T Bone said. "The judge assigned to your case is a cranky old bastard a year from mandatory retirement. Plus the old goat has a hard on for the Federal Government, so I if I try some back door stuff, it may do you more harm than good."
He tried to cheer me up. "I got two guys trailing your wife Ann. She refused federal protection, but that does not mean we cannot keep an eye on her for the sake of your children's safety. Naturally any bad behavior they observe can be used in a court of law."
"You get anything?"
T Bone signed. "No, not really. Your wife Ann is drinking a bit more than usual, and I had your sheriff set up a 'random' traffic stop on her route home from work. She was within the legal limit, but just barely."
I was thinking about the whole mess I was in. "It is just so unfair." I said.
T Bone thought I was talking about his tactics. "Randal, anytime you find yourself in a fair fight you have planned very poorly."
+++++
Early one Sunday morning two Federal Marshalls rushed into my room and roused me out bed.
"Hurry! Get up! We got to go NOW!"
I am not a 'morning person', so everything was a blur to me, when I woke up fully, I found myself in the basement of the courthouse.
The room was filled with a dozen people, Marshals, sheriffs, Feds, but everyone seemed to defer to an older gentleman sitting at some type of table with a secretary next to him.
I was stunned when a door opened and T Bone, followed by my wife Ann, who appeared to be hung over were escorted into the room.
Ann looked bewildered (as was I), when she was placed in a chair. There was a hush in the room as T Bone approached the older man at the desk. The US Marshall next to me whispered. "That's the Federal Magistrate for this district."
T Bone started speaking in a clear voice. "Your honor we have requested this emergency hearing to have an immediate order of protection placed for the wards of one of my witnesses in an ongoing Federal Case."
T Bone pivoted and pointed at Ann. "I request that we have that woman's children removed from her domicile immediately as she has placed these minors, the Federal Government's key witness children, in grave danger and harm's way."
Ann jumped out of her chair. "I have NEVER done anything to hurt my babies! And I NEVER WILL!"
One of the US Marshall put her hand on Ann's shoulder and forced her back into the chair.
T Bone continued as if Ann had never spoken. "We are dealing with some violent elements in this case, and I was fearful of witness tampering and outside forces trying to coerce our case. The lady there," he pointed at Ann, "refused offered protection, but I had resources assigned to her discreetly for her own safety."
T Bone then passed some papers to Federal Magistrate. "I also had the one of the legal owners of the house give permission to install surveillance inside the domicile for security. An astute precaution as it turned out."
T Bone nodded at a man who started a video being displayed on a 70 inch screen.
The video showed the inside of my house. An obviously drunk Ann staggered in the door with a grungy looking biker guy. When he turned I recognized him. It was 'Chatterbox'!, the damn guy I had met from the outlaw biker gang that had started this whole mess.
T Bone kept up a running commentary about 'Chatterboxes' criminal history, outstanding wants and warrants and how he had met Ann that night and their interaction. I was listening with half an ear as I watched them proceed up the stairs as the video switched to a camera in the bedroom.
Mercifully T Bone fast forwarded through Chatterbox and Ann's sexual escapades, although watching them go thru the motions of fucking at 30x speed did have some comic appeal, especially when Ann was sucking him, trying to get Chatterbox up for the 3rd time.
T Bone resumed normal speed when it appeared Ann had fallen asleep, exhausted from her exertions. Chatterbox jumped off the bed and raced down the stairs. He opened the front door and a host of bikers raced in, ransacking the house, opening every drawer and shelf.
I rose out of my chair when I saw one of the bikers open my son's bedroom door. The Marshall next to me whispered. "Don't worry we were watching the whole time. There was a heavily armed SRT unit at both doors waiting to burst in if needed."
My mind came back to T Bone speaking, as Ann's 'guests' exited the house on the video monitor.
"Your honor the SRT team was able to apprehend the men you saw in that video. All were armed, and all had a history of violent crime. It is only good fortune that no one was injured."
Ann started crying, sobbing into her hands.
T Bone continued talking. 'The children have temporarily been relocated into a safe environment at a federal facility, and I request they be placed with their father, and later in WITSEC for their own protection."
Ann jumped out of her chair shaking off a Marshals attempt to restrain her. "YOU cannot take my children God Damn you!"
The Federal Magistrate looked up as Ann was bear hugged by a man in a Sheriff Deputy outfit. "Ma'am, from what I have seen on video, and read in this report, you willing invited a known wanted felon into your home. Thus you placed the welfare of the children in jeopardy, with utter disregard to the consequences of your actions."
I watched him sign some papers. "I so order that the minors in question be placed in the male parents care until such time as the authorities feel they are able to enter WITSEC. Any contact with the mother is prohibited and shall be prohibited until determined by the same governing authorities, keeping the welfare of the minors as priority factor."
Ann was still struggling with the Deputy, when the Federal Magistrate stood up. "I deem these proceeding closed." and walked out.
I was still stunned by this turn of events that when T Bone came over to me I could barely speak. "T Bone, how did you pull that off!" It just hit me I would get to be with my kids full time. "You are the smartest man on earth."
T Bone shrugged. "Most people don't change. It was a matter of time before she did something stupid." He gave me a lopsided grin. "And for the record, anytime you think you are the smartest guy in the room, it's time to find a new room."
+++++
It like deja vu, the same juvenile room, same bed, same TV in the jail. Except this time I was now sitting on the chair with T Bone behind me, and Ann was sitting on the bed.
"It's not over, Randal." Ann spat at me. "You are not taking me away from my babies."
"You still looking to do that sandpaper thing on me? Wear me down?"
Ann just stared at me.
"The thing is Ann, that sandpaper can scratch, and rip and irritate. But after all that, the item is nice and polished, the sandpaper is worthless."
There was a long silence before Ann looked down at her hands. "I didn't know how it happened. I knew I was drinking too much, but I do not want to blame the booze. I was at the gas station filling up, when I came out after paying and my rear tire was flat. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just started crying."
Ann pushed the hair out of her eyes before speaking again. "That biker guy seemed to come out of nowhere. Turns out he is a cousin from my Mom's side. I knew him from my aunts wedding a long time ago. He just pushed my car off to the side, and changed the tire. I was so scared, but he just kept talking, the more he talked, the more at ease I felt. When he put his arm around me I did not stop him, it just felt so nice to finally have someone understand what I was going through." Ann brought her head up to look at me. "He declined the money I offered him, but said he would buy me a drink. Claimed I was in no shape to drive home, said a drink would calm me down. At first it was fun, sitting in the bar swapping old stories and catching up. Next thing you know I am being hustled out of my bed and my babies are being taken from me."
Ann looked at T Bone. "My own Government is trying to steal my children. What's the difference between you and them? Huh, what is the difference?"
T Bone cleared his throat. "Those people are greedy men, who have no feeling or respect for anyone or anything. They will destroy anything that gets in their way to get what they want." T Bone took a step forward before continuing. "WE work for the United States Federal Government."
Ann took a deep breath. "Randal, I swear it is all a big misunderstanding, one giant screw up." She reached out to touch my chest. "I need you to think, listen to your heart."
I removed Ann's hand from my shirt. "When I hear you speak Ann, all I can hear are banjos, and all I can think is 'paddle faster', get away."
++++
I finally got my boring life back. It was a strange road that gave me a new face, along with liposuction that got rid of my belly fat faster than any exercise. In a strange way to save government money I was thrown together with a Russian Mob widow during WITSEC orientation. She had lost both her children in a car bomb attempt and was missing her children badly. As a coincidence, my children were missing a Mom. It was a good fit, and somehow I saw T Bone's fingerprints all over that one.
I now live in a small southern town by the coast near the middle of nowhere with a new name. The boys also got to pick their own names. It took a while to dissuade them that being called 'Ironman' was not an acceptable moniker. We keep them busy, and they now rarely ask questions about their past.
T Bone did run for Governor, but lost in his first attempt. He is now an ambassador to some European country.
Ann and Dad? Marshals notified me that Dad passed away. Anything left in his will I had given to Charity. Turns out I was entitled to a portion of the unclaimed and seized funds from Operation 'Great White', not a zillion dollars, but enough for a boring lifestyle.
Ann still lives in the same town. You know how people talk in a small town, so she has not had an easy time of it. I send her pictures of the twins at Christmas through the US Marshal dead drop. When they are eighteen I will let them decide what they want to do.
For now I just want to enjoy being the dull boring guy I was meant to be. Right now we are planning a trip to Disneyland.
++++
Things like this never happen, right? Go 'google' TJ Brewer, an Undercover narcotics officer in Utah who caught his wife and father under similar circumstances.