Are you dissatisfied or frustrated by your current living situation? Do you wish that you were the one making the rules in your house? Do you make the rules of the house but wish your housemates would follow those rules without question? Well now you can! You have been randomly chosen to receive the HouseMate app absolutely free! There’s no need to give your credit card number or your personal info, we have all that stuff already! How do you think we found your phone? ;)

How does the app work, you ask? Simple! Just tell us who lives with you (not names, of course, just their relationship to you. Father, daughter, mother, roommate, etc.) and then give us five new rules to apply to the house. You’ll watch in amazement as the other members of your home start following those rules enthusiastically! Just like that!

If you’re still skeptical, then just imagine what your life would be like if your housemates followed any rule you gave them? That’s right any rule. There are no limits to the kinds of things you can make them do. ‘But wait,’ we hear you saying, ‘there’s no way so-and-so would obey x rule!’ Have a few rebellious members of the household? No problem! The app will make them believe it was their idea in the first place, so they have no reason to disobey.

But wait, there’s more! HouseMate will even make sure anybody outside of your home won’t think anything of the house rules. For instance, if you made rule that everyone that lived in your home had to wear sombreros every time they left the house, nobody they ran into would ever question their new change of wardrobe, even if it’s completely out-of-character!

The HouseMate app is truly an amazing piece of technology, but it does have some limitations. Firstly, You are limited to changing or adding five rules to your home. You may be able to apply more than one change per rule if your wording is carefully chosen, but you didn’t hear that from us! You can always change or add new rules using the app, but you can never have more than five at a time.

Secondly, physical properties, rules of reality, or laws of nature can’t be altered; you can only change how your housemates experience reality. For example, you can’t make a rule that changes how orange juice tastes, but you can change whether or not your housemates like it anyway!

Thirdly, the app only applies rules to people who currently live in your home, and excludes yourself. You can’t invite friends over and expect them to start wearing sombreros outside. If you invite a friend to live in your house with you, however, the rules will start applying to them the moment they officially move in. Don’t ask how we know whether or not someone has moved in to your house! You don’t want to know the answer!

You may be wondering, if we have the power to alter people’s perception of reality using a simple app, why are we just giving that power away for free? The answer is simple: why not!? You shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Now enough talking, you don’t need to be convinced to use this app, it’s installed on your phone already, you might as well use it. Now, please tell us your name, your gender, and the relationships (to you) of the people who currently live in your home. Here’s a handy-dandy example to give you an idea!

John Doe, male. Wife, three daughters, sister-in-law, female roommate

We already have this information, we just wish to confirm that you are indeed the app’s intended recipient. This is certainly not a contract that will be signed when you do this. Said contract definitely is not relinquishing ownership of your soul. Don’t think too hard about it! Just do it!