~ fantasy ~
You came into my life one bright day, and there you stood, your long black hair blowing gently in the breeze… your eyes glowing with the hazel color of brown and green with little flecks of gold shining within the pupils. Looking at you then, I felt the undeniable sting of wanton desire clench my heart.
I am a woman who has known men. My body has felt the passion and desire that a handsome face and gentle hands can cause. There have been many nights filled with the fiery tango of two lovers holding each other during the dance of lust. I have been the sweaty partner to an experienced lover; I have held his face within my hands and held his body between my thighs… my hips have met his in perfect synchronicity.
Like the ballroom dancers that float across the shining wooden floors of fancy hotels, I have floated upon satin sheets entwined in my lover’s arms; the dance of passion is always beautiful, always different. Sometimes the crescendo of the music that two bodies makes is such that the dance seems violent, painful. The look that covers the faces of the dancers is something that cannot be explained with mere words… there is no way to describe the ultimate pleasure that comes from the climax of two bodies joined as one in the dance of love and desire.
You and I have danced to the delightful music that our bodies, contacting skin on skin has created. There in the dark, you and I have held each other tighter than we could have ever imagined or believed. I have felt the soft exhale of your breath upon my breasts as you have slept with your face buried there, between the twin mounds of flesh, soft and lovingly cradling your head. I have laid within your arms, being held tightly in your sleep as if you were afraid that I might disappear if you did not hold onto me… I have known you. We have slept. We have loved. And even now, I recall the heat of your body close to mine. I can recall the scent of your skin within my nose. You are ever present within my heart and mind.
You began as a fantasy that I had hoped would come true, but always thought would be just out of my reach. My heart knew you from the beginning of time, it seemed, and my love appeared to have been there since before that first kiss, that first look, that first embrace. My heart knew you, yes it did, but over time, my body knew you too.
There was an unmistakable fire that burned within me each time you and I were near to each other. No space or distance can change the thumping in my chest every time I see you. The fire that ignites from the memories that are burned within my mind is omnipresent and always there… the memories are strong, they remind me daily of your presence. Time and space has not changed the passion.
~ butterfly kisses ~
My love; my heart’s desire, my passion fire. My Spanish angel, my flower of beauty, the butterfly kisses upon my cheeks. The softness of summer love, and the innocence of newborn roses in the spring.
You are the light transformed into love, the fire of my heart; you make the passion flow thru my being and out of me onto the paper where my poetry lives. You excite the beat of my heart and cause the sorrow of separation to touch me.
You make the artist in me come alive and you inspire my thoughts. You cause the ache of desire to burn me with longing for your touch, and you make me feel like the woman that is truly me. You spark my imagination and set free the child in me.
You let me express myself in words and feelings and allow my heart to love you. And even without trying, you make me love you for all that you are and all that is a part of you.
You may never truly understand or know how much I care, but if you’ll just remember these few words, then you will always know that deep in my heart ~
~ I love you ~
~ love ~
I told you once of the burning desire that I felt every time we were together. I said the words, and I could not retract them once I had said them… “I love you…” I whispered in the dark one evening. I could tell by the look on your face that the words were unexpected and quite shocking. You could not repeat them back to me, but it was that night that I decided that it did not matter… I loved you and that was all that I needed to know. I just needed to let you know how I felt. So I said the three words that can stop a grown man dead in his tracks.
It was a much different relationship after that first initial speaking of the words. But never for me. I told you exactly how I felt each time I spoke to you. I told you of my undying passion and love for you. Within poems of love I expressed my ultimate and complete pleasure in you. I held nothing back from you. I shared each emotion as it came over me.
Lying upon my bed with you in my arms, I stroked your hair and felt the utter contentment that having you near always created in me. Always anxious upon your arrival, always saddened by your departure; my love continued to burn. And it was this indescribable emotion that overtook me every day. In moments of silence and solitude, I would create bits of poetry to describe the way you made me feel.
So strong are the emotions that you create in my heart that I have page after page of lovingly created prose to tell you how I feel. Even the thought of trying to forget you now is brushed away from the cobwebs within my mind because I know of the impossibility of the act. But, there are no brooms big enough to sweep away the affect that you have had on me.
You are so very beautiful to me. The passion I feel for you is something beyond words. If love has a color, then color me with love. See what your artist’s fingers have drawn. You have created the jewels that shine in my eyes like emeralds glowing green. You have been the florist that made the bouquet of roses and wildflowers that I am. You are the sculptor that carved me out of hardened and cold marble to become the warm and beautiful Venus that I feel akin to. It is your hands that have caressed me into the soft and loving being that I am now.
Within every person’s life, there is one great love. You are the love of my life. You will always hold that title. They say that every person has a soul mate. You hold this distinction too. I feel as though you are my soul mate, the one person who knows everything about me, the person who knows me inside and out… you are that person who has the key to unlock the unbridled passion that no other can.
So restricted have I been; keeping my heart locked away from the possibility of pain, loneliness, and rejection, that no other man has been able to penetrate the walls I have built around my heart. You possess the key to unlock it and you are the one who has locked it back again. Even in the single-ness of being alone now, you could still walk through my door today, and I would allow you to turn the key once more within me. It is this knowledge of my ultimate weakness for you that frightens me and controls my emotions.
It has been said that you only hurt the ones you love, and if so then this is the most painful experience I have ever had. Writing to you letters filled with passion and desire for you, I release the hidden longings for your eyes to read. Written in my hand, I write the eulogy that tells of the passing of the love that could have been and the ache that lives within me everyday.
~ memories ~
Clutched tightly within my heart are the memories of our days and nights together. And like little movies that flash behind my eyes and bring forth the remembrance of passionate moments spent together, the credits roll at the end of our movie. Our moments together flicker throughout my day, as post-mortems to something that was once very wonderful.
Our time was brief, but within my heart, the monumental glory of the movie we made together of us, shines brightly. The marquee still glows with your name and mine shining in the fluorescent lighting of love. In all of our cinematic excellence, we played our parts perfectly. I was the damsel in distress and you were my handsome savior to come riding up in your shiny chassis to sweep me off my feet and give me hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Played out like some romantic love scene from a box office hit, you and I created the memories that continue to play within my mind. Always on perpetual rewind, I recall the episodes of obsession and infatuation with you, my handsome prince. The recollections of the past glimmer with the afterglow of love. Rock steady are the hands of the director as each scene is replayed and reviewed for the approval of the audience.
In secret, we rehearsed quietly the parts of lovers that public eyes would not be allowed to see. Wrapped up in each other’s arms, we would kiss and caress without prompting. There was no need for retakes or director’s cuts… I knew my part and you knew yours. Still, we were only acting, it seems. Lying on the producer’s couch, I let you take me… you held me with your hands touching me gently, stroking me into fevered orgasms. Your mouth closing down upon me, tasting me. The kiss of your mouth there, between my thighs creating a wondrous and glorious experience that nothing on earth can rival, repeats in my mind constantly. I have not forgotten the softness of your mouth on me, or the fullness of your lips as you would kiss me…
The scent of my excitement would be heavy upon your mouth and perfumed lightly with the white zinfandel wine that we would consume when together. I would glow from the experience of your touch and kiss and no Hollywood make-up artist could rival the natural beauty of my face and skin as it flushed pink from the climactic ending to our love scenes played out there on my sofa. With the tenderness of the expert lover that you are, you would hold me closely to feel the spasms my body would have. And gentle kisses you would place upon my lips… your tongue still searching for that last sweet taste of me before you would depart.
The passion I felt for you burned so deeply into my life that there seemed to be no escape from the fires sparked within my soul… how could you have known the impact you would have upon me? I wonder sometimes if I touched you half as much as you have touched me…I see you everywhere and that old familiar pang of rejection sweeps over me… clouds of pain cover my heart and burn me deep into my soul. And pain remains there. It keeps me from getting too close; it reminds me that you are omnipresent in my life.
Can you ever really know just how much you have meant to me? Will you ever know? Time passes and time marches on… people change and things never remain the same, but the passion and love I felt for you then, remains strong within my heart… the absolute glory of love I feel for you burns in my heart and in my mind. You remain strong in my dreams and I can still recall your scent, if only as a memory, I can smell you in the air and on my skin.
Sometimes, I lay awake in my bed, thinking about you and wishing I could just forget you… and then, I’m glad that I cannot forget you. You will always remain in my heart… there are no real words to express the way I feel for you. To say that I love you is not enough… you fill me… you are there within that special place that no one else will ever be able to fill… only you can occupy this place in my heart and in my life… no matter what may come of our friendship or the relationship that was; you are the only one that can occupy this space. You are the echo of my love, you bounce of the walls of my heart and you run through my mind.
Your presence in my life has been both a blessing and a curse… I know you think that I will forget you, that there will be someone to replace you in my heart and in my life… but alas, I know that there will never be someone to fill that void. You fill that space, even gone from my life as you are now, you still fill that space… you will always fill it.
The moment of falling came upon me that first night in your car, parked there in the twilight, when you first placed your lips against mine, with the urgency and passion that I felt from your mouth as it encompassed mine; the softness of your lips as they pressed against mine, tasting me with your tongue, caressing me with the gentleness of a lover… that was the moment I made the fatal mistake and fell in love with you. I cannot stand the fear or the pressure that accompanies the kiss. No man’s kiss can rival yours…
That night, your hands touched my body, there in the moonlight and in the privacy of your car… No man’s hands caress can make me feel the way your hands make me feel… with my dress up around my hips, black silk panties being slid down my thighs by your hands, to be removed and kept by you… I recall oh so well that evening…
And you placed hickeys upon my neck and my breasts; the softness of your sucking increasing with more fever as you kissed my neck and experienced first hand the excitement you created within me, flowing out of me from between my thighs in heated passion that your touch could even now cause. Little wonder to me that just recalling these memories makes me warm; the fire ignited down below from the memories of your hands touching me and bringing me to orgasm… the fires of love burn within me even now, after all this time, I feel it still for you… no other man has ever had that kind of an affect on me before and I doubt that any other man ever will…
And like the sorrowful ending of a movie where love goes riding off into the sunset while the damsel waits with pain in her eyes and love in her heart, I watch as you drive away. Love burning ever hopeful. Love unrequited. Love unreturned…
~ sadness ~
In the fullness of time, sadness can come sweeping over the most loving of hearts. The pain is nearly unbearable, and nothing can come close to expressing the way this sadness overtakes the heart because of love lost. Even in the gloom of my sadness, there lives a light of love that refuses to burn out. It is the candle in the window that will always remain there, to show you the way back to my heart.
Along the path to unconditional and true love, lies the seeds of tomorrow. We have no way to go back to the past and we cannot change what has happened before. We shall only be able to pave the way to forever love with the blooms of possibility. The seeds of passion lie dormant now, their glory hidden away from the prying eyes of the outside world and the cold harshness of fear. Waiting for the sunshine of love to once again shine down on them and awaken them, my passion flowers have closed their petals and will awaken only with the kiss of love.
To once again hold the bouquet of loving words and gentle touches within my hands, I must see the gardener and request that he plant the seeds. It is with his kind touch and his gentle prodding that I may again bloom like the rose with all her glory. Fragile in the state of bloom, but strong and hardy in the early stages of the bud; the rose holds her thorns now as protectors from the pain that loving you has caused. The careless hand that plucked her beauty as the iris, now must tend to her carefully as the rose. With gentle words and soft caresses, the gardener must once again rebuild the trust; give the rose the strength and desire to go on. Her sadness is profound and she will wilt if left unattended too long.
To nourish her spirit with the glow of love burning, the master’s hands can once again create the loving feelings that the rose needs to overcome the sadness that has gripped her at the core of her being. And even if the gardener chooses to plant his garden elsewhere, it is his release that she needs most now. He must turn her heart free and send her growing like the wild rose that grows without need of attention, lonely and beautiful but a constant reminder that she is wonderful and glorious in her own right. Even in beauty there is certain sadness that cannot be explained by the human heart. The owner and the creator of the sadness are the only two people who know beyond words this feeling of sorrow.
~ lonely ~
How funny it is that when I think of you now, I feel so lonely. Lonely and sad. Two words that should not ever come into the life of any human being, but always present it seems in today’s world. Too many people are lonely and sad. I have joined the ranks of those people.
Isn’t it tragic how two words as innocuous as lonely and sad can encompass a wide range of emotions? When thinking of you now, lonely comes to mind. How lonely you must have been before and I wonder now, are you lonely now? Does that feeling come over you when you realize that I am not present anymore in your life like I was before? I had spent so much effort and desire on you. I wasted nothing in telling you how much you meant to me… months came and went and rarely did you ever go without hearing a word of love slip from my lips. To pursue you; to tell you daily of my love for you; to show you in every way, shape, and form that I possibly could, I tried to ease the loneliness I felt you had in your life.
Somewhere, back in the deepest reaches and recollections of past memories, I remember you telling me of the sadness and loneliness you felt from being alone. I recall the stories of aloneness you told me of… nights where you slept alone in your bed. Nights of sleeplessness and recalled memories of when you had a woman to share your bed. I remember how you told me of these things with sadness in your voice.
And once again, you have a woman who shares your bed. Alas, she is not me. And I am sad because I know this fact is real, not imagined. She is there, I am here… alone and lonely for you. For the scent of you within my nostrils; lonely for the weight of you against my body, in the confines and security of my bed… and I think to myself how fortunate you are to have found someone to share your bed, because it has not happened for me. I do not search for a partner to share my bed. I wait for the one man that I desire… you.
Your scent is almost gone now from within the folds of the black silk robe that I wore that last night that we were together. If I search, I can find a small reminder, a tiny bit of the patchouli oil that was consistently and constantly a part of you. Along the neckline of the black silk, near where my neck and ear would be, I can still smell you. I know your scent, even without the physical reminders of it. The scent of your passion burned into my mind and left an indelible mark that cannot be erased by the tides of time. Though your scent has faded from my silk robe, it remains strong, within my heart and mind.
Even as I wait for the impossible dream to come to life, I know that it is not exactly what I need in my life. You are the fantasy and the reality that I love; that I will always love, but a fantasy none the less. So I file you within the stockpiles of memories that have accumulated over the past years… there you will remain with the other sweet things that touch my heart.
You are the bittersweet and maddening sadness that engulfs me. You have replaced the freedom of the butterflies that flew across my heart each time I was near you with the continuous ache of loneliness. When I think of you now, it is with deep sadness in my heart. I have not really lost you… you will always remain within me. My heart will always hold you dear and the memories you and I have created together will never fade from my mind. No matter how long I may be alone… you will always be within me. I have not lost you. And in the same token, you have not lost me either.
There, within your mind, the memories of me will play. You will feel the tug on your heart strings when a familiar song plays on the radio or a sweet perfume scents the air around you; I will remain there, running through the corridors of your mind. Playing in the sand and building castles that glimmer in the sunshine of the love that burns for you; there I will be. When you feel sad and lonely, look for me there. I am the child that plays blissfully with the butterflies that float free upon the breeze that caresses your face and strokes your hair. You have not lost me. I am there, my darling love. I will always be there to console you when you are lonely and alone… look for me, I am there, with love, always there…
~ lover’s moon ~
How many times have I told you of the mystery of the lover’s moon? It sits within the sky tonight, full and shining brightly as if a beacon to guide two lovers to each other. I feel the pull of the moon on my heart like the waves feel its pull and cause them to roll into the shore, crashing in and out, and like the sea foam glowing in the moonlight, so glows the fire in my heart for you.
The gravitational pull of the moon tugs at the strings on my heart, pulling me closer to you, even in the dark, even though space and distance separates us tonight… I feel the pull of the lover’s moon and the pull of you on my heart. My body remembers the fleshly desires that the strength of you creates on nights like this. Whispered memories flood my mind and cause the sensations of lust to flow freely through my veins, to pour out of me; to escape the confines of my mind and explode in obvious excitement.
My heart pounds. The flesh on my arms rise in goose bumps and my nipples extend to their full height; my body remembers you, it recalls your touch and the way your lips feel upon the skin that covers my heart, my soul, my being.
Lover, oh lover, where are you tonight? Do you look at the night sky and remember me? Does the moon hang brightly in your world and shine a path through the corridors of your mind to that place where my memories burn? I wonder if you recall the way that we would talk under the glow of that magical orb in the sky… share fantasies of a perfect world where you would have known me before any other…
And the lover’s moon shines tonight and calls out to you and me. It says that we should be together; that you and I should remember the passion that the glow of the moon can inspire within us… the lover’s moon calls out our names and the passing clouds offer us sanctuary from the moonbeams. And yet, there is no way that you and I will meet under the radiance of this wondrous and glowing planet. We will not toss down a blanket on thick grass; we will not meet in secrecy; there will be no rolling blissfully among the stars, upon the blanket together… no, the lover’s moon shines for other lovers tonight. We are not invited to partake in the invitation of inhibition…
Somewhere, across the miles, I know you are gazing into the blue-black universe and counting the stars; you are seeing that moon, hanging there… you too can feel the pull of the moon upon your heart. I know you know I’m here, thinking of you and remembering our times together. I write you love letters. I write you sonnets of love. I write you poetry to regale the passion I have always felt for you… and tonight, I stare into the night sky, I write you love letters, and I look at the lover’s moon.
~ time ~
At some time, it will all come to pass that within the buried aches that plague me now, I will find a reason to smile again. Without warning or notice, there will another to take the place in my life that is so completely filled with the memories of you. There will someone to kiss away the pain and help me to find a new hope in a hopeless world. He will never be able to steal away the love I have for you. No one can ever take that away. That love was given to you, is reserved for you, and belongs only to you.
Such is the way of the world that time passes and things change. Time marches on and a new drumbeat plays in the ears and hearts of lovers everywhere. For some, this will be the first time they will fall in love and for others, it will be the last. To be able to know the difference takes patience, knowledge.
Keeping time with the drummer, my heart will learn to recognize the tune of new love. It has been a valuable learning experience to come to this point in my life. You have been integral to this process that has consumed so much of my time. Even now, you control the movements of my fingers, the thoughts in my mind, and the feelings in my heart.
The passion I felt for you at the beginning still remains strong within me. You are all things to me. I feel as though I have known you since before creation. I have no memories now of a time when I did not love you. There is no moment that has passed before my eyes and the windows to my soul that I cannot recall with vivid clarity. Like the movement of the second hand on the face of the clock, your memory tick, tick, ticks… repeating over and over again the different scenes of our relationship.
Within the workings of this internal clock that has catalogued every hour, minute, second of our times together, there is the filing cabinet of my mind that holds each memory. And when time stands still for me on lonely nights like tonight, I am able to reach into the recesses of the files and withdraw a sweet memory of you.
When the hours pass too slowly and I fear I shall die from the sheer boredom of nothingness; I can recall your smile, however slight, and then I feel not at all alone. Dates have made their marks upon my heart and I recollect the way your kiss felt upon my mouth for each significant event. My birthday; bittersweet rejoining of the two of us… apart it seemed like forever, though only a month had passed. Our kisses were fevered and searching. The touching of your mouth upon mine sparked a fire that burned hotter than any other I had for you. There in the safety of your car, time stood still. We were together, nothing but the cool night air between us and the moonlight of the lover’s moon to illuminate the outside world.
And I look back far enough to remember how I felt and still feel each time I see your handsome face. Not only did I believe you to be handsome, I also said you were beautiful to me. Your beauty being that of a masculine sense, but beauty just the same. It was not just your face that would make me catch my breath in my chest; no, it was also the wonderful, beautiful heart that beats proudly in your chest. The contentment I felt just being with you, shone so brightly that there was no need for me to want any other man in my life. And from one of my poems, I repeat to you about time wasted…
*Passion unknown / love not tasted / longing all alone / for years far wasted… bittersweet tears / fall upon my breast / for many past years / your memory has been at rest… restless heart has been awakened / to knowledge of love gone / and chances never taken… *Excerpt from “Morris Park” by Rose Duncan
~ endings ~
For each new beginning there must be an ending. The ending can be anything from the last lick of an ice cream cone to the last tear shed by the sorrowful heart that has finally learned to let go. From time to time, it seems as though my life has been nothing but endings. The end of innocence. The end of carefree teen-age years; the end of being single, the end of being married…
Amazingly enough, without coming to those endings, I would not be here today, making a new beginning. Probably the ending of a perceived friendship has been one of the hardest things for me to face. The dagger of rejection sears my heart and keeps me bound like a prisoner to the pain. It is the knowledge of my limited ability to change things that prompts me to put an ending to the conflict within my heart. To hang onto the seemingly impossible fantasy that lives within me is madness; to be able to walk away with confidence takes greater strength and dedication. It is an ending I need here, not the continuous, never-ending story that you and I have written together.
For too long I have let you be the warden in this prison where my heart is held, convicted of nothing more than loving you. The conviction is burned on my heart and I will forever hold the title of prisoner of love unrequited. You have held the keys to release me for all this time, but I have now stolen away the power; I’m unlocking the door and releasing myself from your rule. I am bringing to an ending the love story imprinted on the pages of my mind and heart. It is time for the grand finale.
This is the place where the author says, “and they lived happily ever after…” but in this story, it is where I say that I realized a long time ago that there would never be a “happily ever after” for us. All there could ever be here is the ending of a beautiful fantasy that rings true with love as its binding. The ending of one great love story that could have been is to become the beginning of the first chapter in a new book. The book about the rest of my life.
While this is the ending to this story, it is also the beginning of the rest of the days of my life… I shall not waste them anymore on hopeless fantasies. My life can and will be filled with the entertaining and sometimes inane warbling of the poet and writer who seeks to find more out of life. Fill my cup with possibilities, I am now ready to drink from the bittersweet hopes and fears that life will bring me. Fill my cup and let my cup runneth over… give me each day as a new beginning, and let me realize the importance of endings…
~ thank you ~
Thank you for reading this bittersweet record of love letters; alas, there are so many more letters that were written, given, and lost to the love of whom this bell tolls. My words flowed like silk through my fingers, to land as beautiful linens of love upon sheets of paper. Within my mind, I crocheted the masterpiece of expression through the thoughts of deep and abiding love turned into prose, poetry, and verse.
Through my eyes, I still see this man as my one great love… within in my heart, I know that my passion for him will ever burn, but here, within my mind, I recognize the need to let him go… give him up to whatever fates await him…
Like the butterfly breaking free from its cocoon, I am finally flying free and majestically above the torment of love unrequited… although I will never forget the spear that pierced my heart, I have learned to spread my wings and fly…
~ again ~
And now, once again, you are back here, in my life. I cannot remember now when it was that I first contacted you, but I felt so compelled to do it that I picked up the phone and just dialed. I was a little shocked that you didn’t hang up on me, and even more so when I found that you had wanted to talk to me just as much as I wanted to talk to you.
We spoke to each other as if we had never experienced the departure from one another’s lives. It was as tho there was never a break in the continuity of us. You told me of how you were once again alone, how you thought it better that way. You told me of the past year while I had been absent from your life, how, although I was not an everyday fixture in your life like before, I had remained within your mind. And I told you of how I had written page after page in my books of poetry, how I had sat down at my computer and pored over the memories locked in my mind, how I had missed you.
And, again, it was like old times. You and I on the phone for hours, rehashing the past, talking about our futures, our hopes, our dreams. You telling me of how you recalled my heated passion for you. Your voice, once again soothing to my ears. The knowledge that once more, I had some of your attention.
Again. Once again. Here we are standing on the brink of understanding. The edge of friendship that could easily totter over into love. And I recall with such clarity the immense presence you are in my heart. I have never forgotten you. I never will. You have been such an inspiration to these fingers that write upon the pages of my history. You are behind the poems. You are the reason for the writings. You are, here, once again.
Perhaps, someday, you and I will find that elusive butterfly of love. We will have it land softly upon our hearts and touch us with such deep emotion that we will do well to forget one another. But until then, I will remain your friend. I will never lose this love I have for you and no matter who comes into my life or wanders across my path, this one thing will be true. You will always have me, even if I am gone; you and I are a part of each other. It was inevitable. It was divine intervention. Just like it is now, for us to be here, at this juncture, once again…
You came into my life one bright day, and there you stood, your long black hair blowing gently in the breeze… your eyes glowing with the hazel color of brown and green with little flecks of gold shining within the pupils. Looking at you then, I felt the undeniable sting of wanton desire clench my heart.
I am a woman who has known men. My body has felt the passion and desire that a handsome face and gentle hands can cause. There have been many nights filled with the fiery tango of two lovers holding each other during the dance of lust. I have been the sweaty partner to an experienced lover; I have held his face within my hands and held his body between my thighs… my hips have met his in perfect synchronicity.
Like the ballroom dancers that float across the shining wooden floors of fancy hotels, I have floated upon satin sheets entwined in my lover’s arms; the dance of passion is always beautiful, always different. Sometimes the crescendo of the music that two bodies makes is such that the dance seems violent, painful. The look that covers the faces of the dancers is something that cannot be explained with mere words… there is no way to describe the ultimate pleasure that comes from the climax of two bodies joined as one in the dance of love and desire.
You and I have danced to the delightful music that our bodies, contacting skin on skin has created. There in the dark, you and I have held each other tighter than we could have ever imagined or believed. I have felt the soft exhale of your breath upon my breasts as you have slept with your face buried there, between the twin mounds of flesh, soft and lovingly cradling your head. I have laid within your arms, being held tightly in your sleep as if you were afraid that I might disappear if you did not hold onto me… I have known you. We have slept. We have loved. And even now, I recall the heat of your body close to mine. I can recall the scent of your skin within my nose. You are ever present within my heart and mind.
You began as a fantasy that I had hoped would come true, but always thought would be just out of my reach. My heart knew you from the beginning of time, it seemed, and my love appeared to have been there since before that first kiss, that first look, that first embrace. My heart knew you, yes it did, but over time, my body knew you too.
There was an unmistakable fire that burned within me each time you and I were near to each other. No space or distance can change the thumping in my chest every time I see you. The fire that ignites from the memories that are burned within my mind is omnipresent and always there… the memories are strong, they remind me daily of your presence. Time and space has not changed the passion.
~ butterfly kisses ~
My love; my heart’s desire, my passion fire. My Spanish angel, my flower of beauty, the butterfly kisses upon my cheeks. The softness of summer love, and the innocence of newborn roses in the spring.
You are the light transformed into love, the fire of my heart; you make the passion flow thru my being and out of me onto the paper where my poetry lives. You excite the beat of my heart and cause the sorrow of separation to touch me.
You make the artist in me come alive and you inspire my thoughts. You cause the ache of desire to burn me with longing for your touch, and you make me feel like the woman that is truly me. You spark my imagination and set free the child in me.
You let me express myself in words and feelings and allow my heart to love you. And even without trying, you make me love you for all that you are and all that is a part of you.
You may never truly understand or know how much I care, but if you’ll just remember these few words, then you will always know that deep in my heart ~
~ I love you ~
~ love ~
I told you once of the burning desire that I felt every time we were together. I said the words, and I could not retract them once I had said them… “I love you…” I whispered in the dark one evening. I could tell by the look on your face that the words were unexpected and quite shocking. You could not repeat them back to me, but it was that night that I decided that it did not matter… I loved you and that was all that I needed to know. I just needed to let you know how I felt. So I said the three words that can stop a grown man dead in his tracks.
It was a much different relationship after that first initial speaking of the words. But never for me. I told you exactly how I felt each time I spoke to you. I told you of my undying passion and love for you. Within poems of love I expressed my ultimate and complete pleasure in you. I held nothing back from you. I shared each emotion as it came over me.
Lying upon my bed with you in my arms, I stroked your hair and felt the utter contentment that having you near always created in me. Always anxious upon your arrival, always saddened by your departure; my love continued to burn. And it was this indescribable emotion that overtook me every day. In moments of silence and solitude, I would create bits of poetry to describe the way you made me feel.
So strong are the emotions that you create in my heart that I have page after page of lovingly created prose to tell you how I feel. Even the thought of trying to forget you now is brushed away from the cobwebs within my mind because I know of the impossibility of the act. But, there are no brooms big enough to sweep away the affect that you have had on me.
You are so very beautiful to me. The passion I feel for you is something beyond words. If love has a color, then color me with love. See what your artist’s fingers have drawn. You have created the jewels that shine in my eyes like emeralds glowing green. You have been the florist that made the bouquet of roses and wildflowers that I am. You are the sculptor that carved me out of hardened and cold marble to become the warm and beautiful Venus that I feel akin to. It is your hands that have caressed me into the soft and loving being that I am now.
Within every person’s life, there is one great love. You are the love of my life. You will always hold that title. They say that every person has a soul mate. You hold this distinction too. I feel as though you are my soul mate, the one person who knows everything about me, the person who knows me inside and out… you are that person who has the key to unlock the unbridled passion that no other can.
So restricted have I been; keeping my heart locked away from the possibility of pain, loneliness, and rejection, that no other man has been able to penetrate the walls I have built around my heart. You possess the key to unlock it and you are the one who has locked it back again. Even in the single-ness of being alone now, you could still walk through my door today, and I would allow you to turn the key once more within me. It is this knowledge of my ultimate weakness for you that frightens me and controls my emotions.
It has been said that you only hurt the ones you love, and if so then this is the most painful experience I have ever had. Writing to you letters filled with passion and desire for you, I release the hidden longings for your eyes to read. Written in my hand, I write the eulogy that tells of the passing of the love that could have been and the ache that lives within me everyday.
~ memories ~
Clutched tightly within my heart are the memories of our days and nights together. And like little movies that flash behind my eyes and bring forth the remembrance of passionate moments spent together, the credits roll at the end of our movie. Our moments together flicker throughout my day, as post-mortems to something that was once very wonderful.
Our time was brief, but within my heart, the monumental glory of the movie we made together of us, shines brightly. The marquee still glows with your name and mine shining in the fluorescent lighting of love. In all of our cinematic excellence, we played our parts perfectly. I was the damsel in distress and you were my handsome savior to come riding up in your shiny chassis to sweep me off my feet and give me hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Played out like some romantic love scene from a box office hit, you and I created the memories that continue to play within my mind. Always on perpetual rewind, I recall the episodes of obsession and infatuation with you, my handsome prince. The recollections of the past glimmer with the afterglow of love. Rock steady are the hands of the director as each scene is replayed and reviewed for the approval of the audience.
In secret, we rehearsed quietly the parts of lovers that public eyes would not be allowed to see. Wrapped up in each other’s arms, we would kiss and caress without prompting. There was no need for retakes or director’s cuts… I knew my part and you knew yours. Still, we were only acting, it seems. Lying on the producer’s couch, I let you take me… you held me with your hands touching me gently, stroking me into fevered orgasms. Your mouth closing down upon me, tasting me. The kiss of your mouth there, between my thighs creating a wondrous and glorious experience that nothing on earth can rival, repeats in my mind constantly. I have not forgotten the softness of your mouth on me, or the fullness of your lips as you would kiss me…
The scent of my excitement would be heavy upon your mouth and perfumed lightly with the white zinfandel wine that we would consume when together. I would glow from the experience of your touch and kiss and no Hollywood make-up artist could rival the natural beauty of my face and skin as it flushed pink from the climactic ending to our love scenes played out there on my sofa. With the tenderness of the expert lover that you are, you would hold me closely to feel the spasms my body would have. And gentle kisses you would place upon my lips… your tongue still searching for that last sweet taste of me before you would depart.
The passion I felt for you burned so deeply into my life that there seemed to be no escape from the fires sparked within my soul… how could you have known the impact you would have upon me? I wonder sometimes if I touched you half as much as you have touched me…I see you everywhere and that old familiar pang of rejection sweeps over me… clouds of pain cover my heart and burn me deep into my soul. And pain remains there. It keeps me from getting too close; it reminds me that you are omnipresent in my life.
Can you ever really know just how much you have meant to me? Will you ever know? Time passes and time marches on… people change and things never remain the same, but the passion and love I felt for you then, remains strong within my heart… the absolute glory of love I feel for you burns in my heart and in my mind. You remain strong in my dreams and I can still recall your scent, if only as a memory, I can smell you in the air and on my skin.
Sometimes, I lay awake in my bed, thinking about you and wishing I could just forget you… and then, I’m glad that I cannot forget you. You will always remain in my heart… there are no real words to express the way I feel for you. To say that I love you is not enough… you fill me… you are there within that special place that no one else will ever be able to fill… only you can occupy this place in my heart and in my life… no matter what may come of our friendship or the relationship that was; you are the only one that can occupy this space. You are the echo of my love, you bounce of the walls of my heart and you run through my mind.
Your presence in my life has been both a blessing and a curse… I know you think that I will forget you, that there will be someone to replace you in my heart and in my life… but alas, I know that there will never be someone to fill that void. You fill that space, even gone from my life as you are now, you still fill that space… you will always fill it.
The moment of falling came upon me that first night in your car, parked there in the twilight, when you first placed your lips against mine, with the urgency and passion that I felt from your mouth as it encompassed mine; the softness of your lips as they pressed against mine, tasting me with your tongue, caressing me with the gentleness of a lover… that was the moment I made the fatal mistake and fell in love with you. I cannot stand the fear or the pressure that accompanies the kiss. No man’s kiss can rival yours…
That night, your hands touched my body, there in the moonlight and in the privacy of your car… No man’s hands caress can make me feel the way your hands make me feel… with my dress up around my hips, black silk panties being slid down my thighs by your hands, to be removed and kept by you… I recall oh so well that evening…
And you placed hickeys upon my neck and my breasts; the softness of your sucking increasing with more fever as you kissed my neck and experienced first hand the excitement you created within me, flowing out of me from between my thighs in heated passion that your touch could even now cause. Little wonder to me that just recalling these memories makes me warm; the fire ignited down below from the memories of your hands touching me and bringing me to orgasm… the fires of love burn within me even now, after all this time, I feel it still for you… no other man has ever had that kind of an affect on me before and I doubt that any other man ever will…
And like the sorrowful ending of a movie where love goes riding off into the sunset while the damsel waits with pain in her eyes and love in her heart, I watch as you drive away. Love burning ever hopeful. Love unrequited. Love unreturned…
~ sadness ~
In the fullness of time, sadness can come sweeping over the most loving of hearts. The pain is nearly unbearable, and nothing can come close to expressing the way this sadness overtakes the heart because of love lost. Even in the gloom of my sadness, there lives a light of love that refuses to burn out. It is the candle in the window that will always remain there, to show you the way back to my heart.
Along the path to unconditional and true love, lies the seeds of tomorrow. We have no way to go back to the past and we cannot change what has happened before. We shall only be able to pave the way to forever love with the blooms of possibility. The seeds of passion lie dormant now, their glory hidden away from the prying eyes of the outside world and the cold harshness of fear. Waiting for the sunshine of love to once again shine down on them and awaken them, my passion flowers have closed their petals and will awaken only with the kiss of love.
To once again hold the bouquet of loving words and gentle touches within my hands, I must see the gardener and request that he plant the seeds. It is with his kind touch and his gentle prodding that I may again bloom like the rose with all her glory. Fragile in the state of bloom, but strong and hardy in the early stages of the bud; the rose holds her thorns now as protectors from the pain that loving you has caused. The careless hand that plucked her beauty as the iris, now must tend to her carefully as the rose. With gentle words and soft caresses, the gardener must once again rebuild the trust; give the rose the strength and desire to go on. Her sadness is profound and she will wilt if left unattended too long.
To nourish her spirit with the glow of love burning, the master’s hands can once again create the loving feelings that the rose needs to overcome the sadness that has gripped her at the core of her being. And even if the gardener chooses to plant his garden elsewhere, it is his release that she needs most now. He must turn her heart free and send her growing like the wild rose that grows without need of attention, lonely and beautiful but a constant reminder that she is wonderful and glorious in her own right. Even in beauty there is certain sadness that cannot be explained by the human heart. The owner and the creator of the sadness are the only two people who know beyond words this feeling of sorrow.
~ lonely ~
How funny it is that when I think of you now, I feel so lonely. Lonely and sad. Two words that should not ever come into the life of any human being, but always present it seems in today’s world. Too many people are lonely and sad. I have joined the ranks of those people.
Isn’t it tragic how two words as innocuous as lonely and sad can encompass a wide range of emotions? When thinking of you now, lonely comes to mind. How lonely you must have been before and I wonder now, are you lonely now? Does that feeling come over you when you realize that I am not present anymore in your life like I was before? I had spent so much effort and desire on you. I wasted nothing in telling you how much you meant to me… months came and went and rarely did you ever go without hearing a word of love slip from my lips. To pursue you; to tell you daily of my love for you; to show you in every way, shape, and form that I possibly could, I tried to ease the loneliness I felt you had in your life.
Somewhere, back in the deepest reaches and recollections of past memories, I remember you telling me of the sadness and loneliness you felt from being alone. I recall the stories of aloneness you told me of… nights where you slept alone in your bed. Nights of sleeplessness and recalled memories of when you had a woman to share your bed. I remember how you told me of these things with sadness in your voice.
And once again, you have a woman who shares your bed. Alas, she is not me. And I am sad because I know this fact is real, not imagined. She is there, I am here… alone and lonely for you. For the scent of you within my nostrils; lonely for the weight of you against my body, in the confines and security of my bed… and I think to myself how fortunate you are to have found someone to share your bed, because it has not happened for me. I do not search for a partner to share my bed. I wait for the one man that I desire… you.
Your scent is almost gone now from within the folds of the black silk robe that I wore that last night that we were together. If I search, I can find a small reminder, a tiny bit of the patchouli oil that was consistently and constantly a part of you. Along the neckline of the black silk, near where my neck and ear would be, I can still smell you. I know your scent, even without the physical reminders of it. The scent of your passion burned into my mind and left an indelible mark that cannot be erased by the tides of time. Though your scent has faded from my silk robe, it remains strong, within my heart and mind.
Even as I wait for the impossible dream to come to life, I know that it is not exactly what I need in my life. You are the fantasy and the reality that I love; that I will always love, but a fantasy none the less. So I file you within the stockpiles of memories that have accumulated over the past years… there you will remain with the other sweet things that touch my heart.
You are the bittersweet and maddening sadness that engulfs me. You have replaced the freedom of the butterflies that flew across my heart each time I was near you with the continuous ache of loneliness. When I think of you now, it is with deep sadness in my heart. I have not really lost you… you will always remain within me. My heart will always hold you dear and the memories you and I have created together will never fade from my mind. No matter how long I may be alone… you will always be within me. I have not lost you. And in the same token, you have not lost me either.
There, within your mind, the memories of me will play. You will feel the tug on your heart strings when a familiar song plays on the radio or a sweet perfume scents the air around you; I will remain there, running through the corridors of your mind. Playing in the sand and building castles that glimmer in the sunshine of the love that burns for you; there I will be. When you feel sad and lonely, look for me there. I am the child that plays blissfully with the butterflies that float free upon the breeze that caresses your face and strokes your hair. You have not lost me. I am there, my darling love. I will always be there to console you when you are lonely and alone… look for me, I am there, with love, always there…
~ lover’s moon ~
How many times have I told you of the mystery of the lover’s moon? It sits within the sky tonight, full and shining brightly as if a beacon to guide two lovers to each other. I feel the pull of the moon on my heart like the waves feel its pull and cause them to roll into the shore, crashing in and out, and like the sea foam glowing in the moonlight, so glows the fire in my heart for you.
The gravitational pull of the moon tugs at the strings on my heart, pulling me closer to you, even in the dark, even though space and distance separates us tonight… I feel the pull of the lover’s moon and the pull of you on my heart. My body remembers the fleshly desires that the strength of you creates on nights like this. Whispered memories flood my mind and cause the sensations of lust to flow freely through my veins, to pour out of me; to escape the confines of my mind and explode in obvious excitement.
My heart pounds. The flesh on my arms rise in goose bumps and my nipples extend to their full height; my body remembers you, it recalls your touch and the way your lips feel upon the skin that covers my heart, my soul, my being.
Lover, oh lover, where are you tonight? Do you look at the night sky and remember me? Does the moon hang brightly in your world and shine a path through the corridors of your mind to that place where my memories burn? I wonder if you recall the way that we would talk under the glow of that magical orb in the sky… share fantasies of a perfect world where you would have known me before any other…
And the lover’s moon shines tonight and calls out to you and me. It says that we should be together; that you and I should remember the passion that the glow of the moon can inspire within us… the lover’s moon calls out our names and the passing clouds offer us sanctuary from the moonbeams. And yet, there is no way that you and I will meet under the radiance of this wondrous and glowing planet. We will not toss down a blanket on thick grass; we will not meet in secrecy; there will be no rolling blissfully among the stars, upon the blanket together… no, the lover’s moon shines for other lovers tonight. We are not invited to partake in the invitation of inhibition…
Somewhere, across the miles, I know you are gazing into the blue-black universe and counting the stars; you are seeing that moon, hanging there… you too can feel the pull of the moon upon your heart. I know you know I’m here, thinking of you and remembering our times together. I write you love letters. I write you sonnets of love. I write you poetry to regale the passion I have always felt for you… and tonight, I stare into the night sky, I write you love letters, and I look at the lover’s moon.
~ time ~
At some time, it will all come to pass that within the buried aches that plague me now, I will find a reason to smile again. Without warning or notice, there will another to take the place in my life that is so completely filled with the memories of you. There will someone to kiss away the pain and help me to find a new hope in a hopeless world. He will never be able to steal away the love I have for you. No one can ever take that away. That love was given to you, is reserved for you, and belongs only to you.
Such is the way of the world that time passes and things change. Time marches on and a new drumbeat plays in the ears and hearts of lovers everywhere. For some, this will be the first time they will fall in love and for others, it will be the last. To be able to know the difference takes patience, knowledge.
Keeping time with the drummer, my heart will learn to recognize the tune of new love. It has been a valuable learning experience to come to this point in my life. You have been integral to this process that has consumed so much of my time. Even now, you control the movements of my fingers, the thoughts in my mind, and the feelings in my heart.
The passion I felt for you at the beginning still remains strong within me. You are all things to me. I feel as though I have known you since before creation. I have no memories now of a time when I did not love you. There is no moment that has passed before my eyes and the windows to my soul that I cannot recall with vivid clarity. Like the movement of the second hand on the face of the clock, your memory tick, tick, ticks… repeating over and over again the different scenes of our relationship.
Within the workings of this internal clock that has catalogued every hour, minute, second of our times together, there is the filing cabinet of my mind that holds each memory. And when time stands still for me on lonely nights like tonight, I am able to reach into the recesses of the files and withdraw a sweet memory of you.
When the hours pass too slowly and I fear I shall die from the sheer boredom of nothingness; I can recall your smile, however slight, and then I feel not at all alone. Dates have made their marks upon my heart and I recollect the way your kiss felt upon my mouth for each significant event. My birthday; bittersweet rejoining of the two of us… apart it seemed like forever, though only a month had passed. Our kisses were fevered and searching. The touching of your mouth upon mine sparked a fire that burned hotter than any other I had for you. There in the safety of your car, time stood still. We were together, nothing but the cool night air between us and the moonlight of the lover’s moon to illuminate the outside world.
And I look back far enough to remember how I felt and still feel each time I see your handsome face. Not only did I believe you to be handsome, I also said you were beautiful to me. Your beauty being that of a masculine sense, but beauty just the same. It was not just your face that would make me catch my breath in my chest; no, it was also the wonderful, beautiful heart that beats proudly in your chest. The contentment I felt just being with you, shone so brightly that there was no need for me to want any other man in my life. And from one of my poems, I repeat to you about time wasted…
*Passion unknown / love not tasted / longing all alone / for years far wasted… bittersweet tears / fall upon my breast / for many past years / your memory has been at rest… restless heart has been awakened / to knowledge of love gone / and chances never taken… *Excerpt from “Morris Park” by Rose Duncan
~ endings ~
For each new beginning there must be an ending. The ending can be anything from the last lick of an ice cream cone to the last tear shed by the sorrowful heart that has finally learned to let go. From time to time, it seems as though my life has been nothing but endings. The end of innocence. The end of carefree teen-age years; the end of being single, the end of being married…
Amazingly enough, without coming to those endings, I would not be here today, making a new beginning. Probably the ending of a perceived friendship has been one of the hardest things for me to face. The dagger of rejection sears my heart and keeps me bound like a prisoner to the pain. It is the knowledge of my limited ability to change things that prompts me to put an ending to the conflict within my heart. To hang onto the seemingly impossible fantasy that lives within me is madness; to be able to walk away with confidence takes greater strength and dedication. It is an ending I need here, not the continuous, never-ending story that you and I have written together.
For too long I have let you be the warden in this prison where my heart is held, convicted of nothing more than loving you. The conviction is burned on my heart and I will forever hold the title of prisoner of love unrequited. You have held the keys to release me for all this time, but I have now stolen away the power; I’m unlocking the door and releasing myself from your rule. I am bringing to an ending the love story imprinted on the pages of my mind and heart. It is time for the grand finale.
This is the place where the author says, “and they lived happily ever after…” but in this story, it is where I say that I realized a long time ago that there would never be a “happily ever after” for us. All there could ever be here is the ending of a beautiful fantasy that rings true with love as its binding. The ending of one great love story that could have been is to become the beginning of the first chapter in a new book. The book about the rest of my life.
While this is the ending to this story, it is also the beginning of the rest of the days of my life… I shall not waste them anymore on hopeless fantasies. My life can and will be filled with the entertaining and sometimes inane warbling of the poet and writer who seeks to find more out of life. Fill my cup with possibilities, I am now ready to drink from the bittersweet hopes and fears that life will bring me. Fill my cup and let my cup runneth over… give me each day as a new beginning, and let me realize the importance of endings…
~ thank you ~
Thank you for reading this bittersweet record of love letters; alas, there are so many more letters that were written, given, and lost to the love of whom this bell tolls. My words flowed like silk through my fingers, to land as beautiful linens of love upon sheets of paper. Within my mind, I crocheted the masterpiece of expression through the thoughts of deep and abiding love turned into prose, poetry, and verse.
Through my eyes, I still see this man as my one great love… within in my heart, I know that my passion for him will ever burn, but here, within my mind, I recognize the need to let him go… give him up to whatever fates await him…
Like the butterfly breaking free from its cocoon, I am finally flying free and majestically above the torment of love unrequited… although I will never forget the spear that pierced my heart, I have learned to spread my wings and fly…
~ again ~
And now, once again, you are back here, in my life. I cannot remember now when it was that I first contacted you, but I felt so compelled to do it that I picked up the phone and just dialed. I was a little shocked that you didn’t hang up on me, and even more so when I found that you had wanted to talk to me just as much as I wanted to talk to you.
We spoke to each other as if we had never experienced the departure from one another’s lives. It was as tho there was never a break in the continuity of us. You told me of how you were once again alone, how you thought it better that way. You told me of the past year while I had been absent from your life, how, although I was not an everyday fixture in your life like before, I had remained within your mind. And I told you of how I had written page after page in my books of poetry, how I had sat down at my computer and pored over the memories locked in my mind, how I had missed you.
And, again, it was like old times. You and I on the phone for hours, rehashing the past, talking about our futures, our hopes, our dreams. You telling me of how you recalled my heated passion for you. Your voice, once again soothing to my ears. The knowledge that once more, I had some of your attention.
Again. Once again. Here we are standing on the brink of understanding. The edge of friendship that could easily totter over into love. And I recall with such clarity the immense presence you are in my heart. I have never forgotten you. I never will. You have been such an inspiration to these fingers that write upon the pages of my history. You are behind the poems. You are the reason for the writings. You are, here, once again.
Perhaps, someday, you and I will find that elusive butterfly of love. We will have it land softly upon our hearts and touch us with such deep emotion that we will do well to forget one another. But until then, I will remain your friend. I will never lose this love I have for you and no matter who comes into my life or wanders across my path, this one thing will be true. You will always have me, even if I am gone; you and I are a part of each other. It was inevitable. It was divine intervention. Just like it is now, for us to be here, at this juncture, once again…