Part V – Moving on

Chapter 52

It was almost two years later that Ray came across the DVDs stored in his safe. He considered playing them again but he did not want to reignite the anger that he felt that day. He did not have to replay them to bring up the visions of what they contained. They were embedded in his memory.

It had been a difficult time after Melody and Brian had both come home from their vacations that summer. Brian refused to talk about it and although Melody never directly told him, he knew that she felt that he was somehow at least partially responsible for what had happened.

He started going to counseling and tried to get Melody and Brian to go along with him but after four sessions, they decided they did not want to continue. Ray stayed with it and found it helpful to have someone to talk to who was not judgmental. He spent the first few sessions, after the children left, venting his anger at Karen.

The counselor patiently listened to his ranting before putting her foot down. She told him that if he wanted to get beyond this phase of his life, then he had better start learning to accept what had happened.

It was not easy, but with her help, he learned to detach from Karen's actions and to keep her from living in his head.

One thing that pleased him was Melody's decision to attend Georgia Tech's College of Architecture. She asked for his help to gain admittance and he was able to use his contacts so that she could join the freshman class that September. She was coming up on the end of her second year and she was doing well.

All indications were that she was happy with dorm life and her grades were excellent. She often came to him for advice and from what she said in normal conversation, he knew that she was in contact with her mother. She dropped little bits of what she knew about her, but he carefully avoided probing her for any information. Their truce seemed to work well for both of them.

All he knew was that she was somewhere in Texas. He realized that Karen was either very successful or she had found herself a new man when Melody showed up one Friday afternoon driving a new car. He was in the driveway washing his car when she pulled in with a big smile on her face.

"Mom gave it to me," she said in answer to his unasked question.

"It's very nice. Congratulations."

"She's paying the insurance too so you can take me off of yours."

"Oh, that's nice," he replied as he admired the car. "Love your vanity plate."

"Do you like that? I got that in honor of you," she said giving him a hug. "You're my BIG BLDR."

Melody's admission of her respect for him took some of the sting of his jealously out of her mother's largesse. What he did not know was that there was more to come.

Brian was all excited about the new car and he wanted to take it for ride as soon as he got home. Melody was hesitant about letting him drive but she finally agreed to let him take it to pick up their dinner.

He and Melody were sitting on the patio in silence. They had run out of things to talk about for the time being.

"Dad?" she asked for his attention.

He could tell by the sound of her voice that she was trying to broach a subject that made her uncomfortable. He looked at her and raised his eyebrows to let her know that he was listening.

"Dad, there's something I want to tell you but I don't want you to get upset about it."

"Why would I get upset?" he said as calmly as possible while visions of her telling him that she was pregnant or that she was going to get married or some such thing ran through his mind.

"Mom sent me a check for my tuition for next year including my books and my living expenses. Is that OK with you?"

Ray's mouth opened but no words came out. His first reaction was anger at the thought that she was trying to buy her way back into their lives. Was she trying to send a signal to Melody, and to him, that she could afford what a poor professor could not? She must know by now, through Melody, that he was no longer a professor and was now a partner in a large architectural firm.

He actually gave Karen credit for the impetus to make this major change in his life. Her public disrespect of his profession ate at him so much that his counselor suggested he consider a change. It was the best thing that he had ever done and it had opened up a whole new life for him.

He had a new and broader circle of friends and he had even dated quite a few times over the last year. He was apparently looked upon as a good catch and several of his dates had actually ended up in bed when he spent the night at their apartments.

He enjoyed the sex with several of them but even though they assured him that they were on birth control and were clean, he still felt it necessary to wear a condom. He and one lady had gotten rather serious before he backed away after she started talking about marriage.

The letter that he had received more than two years before proved to be a false alarm after his test came out negative. A second test three months later confirmed that he was not infected with an STD but he still held that fear and he felt that he could never trust a woman again.

"Dad?" Melody's voice broke through his reverie.

"Oh, I'm sorry I was just thinking. No, no, I'm OK with that. I'm happy that she is doing well."

Both he and Melody realized that this was the first time that they had mentioned Karen in a conversation in nearly a year. Neither knew where to take the conversation from this point but they were saved by the appearance of Brian delivering their dinner.


Brian rattled on about the car and how nice it was while they ate their dinner. Thankful for a few moments to consider his discussion with Melody, Ray was afraid that she had come away with the thought that he objected to her talking to her mother.

Brian disappeared into his room after dinner and Ray helped Melody with the cleanup. As she was wiping the countertop, Ray put his arm around her and pulled her into him for a hug. She let him cuddle her and she hugged him back.

"I love you, sweetheart," he said into her hair. "I'm glad that you've developed a relationship with your mother. She's always done her best with you kids and she loves you. I only wish Brian was closer to her."

"Thank you, daddy. I love the both of you. I don't know what to do about Brian. He still blames mom for everything."

"He's right, for the most part," Ray thought to himself.

Aloud, he said, "Maybe someday ..."

The house was quiet and Ray sat in his favorite chair out on the patio listening to the soothing sound a light rain made on the roof. After Karen left, he had a Lanais installed with a translucent roof so he could use the patio even if it was raining.

The mention of Karen during his conversation with Melody once again brought up an issue that had been rattling around in his brain for several weeks. He could not decide whether or not to invite her to Brian's upcoming graduation. When he mentioned it to Brian, he was told that he did not care one way or the other.

Her surprising gift of Melody's car and tuition has left him realizing that Brian was missing out on a relationship with his mother. Not because of the possible financial gain, but Ray felt that a mother/son relationship was important and he hoped that it was not too late to salvage it. He blamed himself for not pushing Brian to communicate with her. When he looked at it objectively, he realized that he was using Brian to punish her.

Ray was proud of the way he had stepped up to the task of being a single parent. He had worked hard at being both a mother and a father to them. He gave his own mother a lot of credit because she was the one he went to for advice before she started showing her age. Both Melody and Brian appeared to be normal, well-rounded children although Melody had reached the point where she was no longer a child. He admired her maturity and her intelligence and he hoped someday that they could work as a team.

He was not sure that his ex-wife would even show up for the graduation even if she were invited. He was also not sure what his reaction would be upon seeing her again.

A sudden thought crossed his mind.

"What if she's in a relationship and wants to bring him?"

His question to himself caused him to stop and consider its source. Looking at it honestly, he recognized that it revealed a modicum of jealousy that he did not know was in him.

"Maybe I should watch those videos," he muttered. "If nothing else, it'll remind me of what she did to me."

Shaking off that thought, he knocked on the door to Melody's room and asked her to invite her mother to Brian's graduation ceremony and party afterwards.

"Oh daddy, that's wonderful," she said jumping up and giving him a hug. "Does Brian know about this?"

"No, and don't you tell him. I want it to be a surprise."

Chapter 53

Kari Keeler sat in her office and reread the invitation for the tenth time. She had cried when Melody texted her and told her that Ray was inviting her to their son's high school graduation. She had spent the next week waiting for the written proof.

She was aware of the event and she had made tentative plans to attend. She decided that she would not intrude on her former family, but she wanted to at least see him receive his diploma.

She had not spoken to Ray since that day she left. The divorce was handled through her attorney and she did not appear in court. She remembered every detail of that Sunday when she walked out of her home and her marriage of nearly 20 years. She knew it was over and she also knew that it was entirely her fault that her marriage had disintegrated.

She managed to get through that night and the next day without using any drugs or alcohol. When she had showed up to get the suitcases, she had been shocked into reality at finding that Ray had changed the locks on their home.

The final straw that almost sent her over the edge and into suicide was when she viewed herself with Montrell on the television screen. Once back at her motel, she called the office and told them she was taking a leave of absence and she would contact them with her new address when she got to wherever she was going.

She spent the next week ingesting as much alcohol and drugs as she could stomach. She remembered appearing at the cell phone store in such a disheveled and drunken state that they almost threw her out. They demanded that she show an ID before they would accept her American Express card for new phone service.

There were a dozen or so calls on her voicemail that she listened to and deleted. The only message that she answered was the one from Vincent, their family lawyer. His secretary gave her the number of an attorney that they told her she would need.

The maid at the motel knew where she could buy more drugs and Karen paid her to keep her supplied with cocaine and alcohol. She did not even remember eating during that week. The one thing that she lived with was the hazy memory of rolling over on Sunday morning to find a stranger in her bed and knowing that they had been intimate during the night.

At that moment she realized just how low she had allowed herself to fall. She lay there trying to get her fuzzy mind to figure out a way to get out of the mess that she had created. After insisting that the hung over guy leave her room, she sat on the toilet and considered her options. No matter how much she tried to rationalize her actions she knew that she was lying to herself.

While brushing her teeth and trying not to gag too much, she noticed her razor sitting on the bathroom sink. The answer to her problems came to her and dropping her toothbrush, she started filling the tub with water.

While the tub filled, she tried to write a note telling Ray and the kids that this was the only way out for her. She begged them to try and forgive her for what she had done to them. She could barely read her own shaky handwriting but she sealed the letter in an envelope and left it in her purse.

"Funny," she thought. "I've only written two letters to my family and both of them are apologies for my actions."

It took some time to pry the razor blade out of the little holder that it was in but she finally got it out, cutting her fingers in the process. Stepping into the almost scalding hot water in the tub she carefully sat down and waited for it to cool a little. Sliding down she rested her head on the back of the tub and wondered how long it would take for her to die.

She had always heard that hot water would keep the blood flowing and she hoped that she would not feel any pain but would just go to sleep. Everybody would be better off with her dead. The horror that she had inflicted on Ray would be dissolved along with her life.

Sitting up she picked up the razor blade and studied it. When she looked down, she saw the blood from her cut fingers already coloring the water and that brought a moment of sanity. She knew that killing herself was not the answer and that she had to find a way to stop her descent into madness.

Wrapping her fingers in tissues, she was finally able to stop the bleeding. She stumbled around the room picking up all of the evidence of her debacle before sending out for a sandwich to fill her shaky stomach. She managed to make it through the night without alcohol or drugs. When the sun came up on Monday morning, she could at least think a little clearer.

The only person that she could imagine that would help her was the attorney recommended by Vincent. She called the number and found out that Morgan was also a woman's name.

Vincent had filled Morgan in on all of the details of what had happened over the past few months so she did not have to repeat them. After talking to her, she realized that Ray had been suspicious of her and had taken steps to end their marriage several weeks before it all blew up in her face.

Morgan and her secretary arranged for her to enter a rehab called The Life Center in southwest, Virginia. She drove herself to the place and spent the next six weeks in their care. Her attorney was the only one who knew where she was and Karen heard the news of Montrell's arrest from her. Morgan also informed her that the police wanted to talk to her. Morgan apparently took care of everything, because she never did have to go for an interview.

Six weeks later, she left the TLC. It was a sunny, Friday afternoon and she called Adele from the parking lot. She told her that she could be contacted through her attorney. After assuring her that she was OK, she refused to answer any of Adele's questions but she promised to call her sometime in the future.

She put the car into gear and started driving west without a destination in mind. Four days later, she found herself sitting in a parking lot in Corpus Christi, Texas. It was a calming feeling to watch the gentle waves of the Gulf of Mexico lap at the white, sandy beach.

She located a broker willing to take her on once her license was transferred to Texas. That process took about three weeks and she used the time to find a place to live and to familiarize herself with the agency and the city.

One of the other agents let her use a condo she owned at minimum rent. It was furnished and the agent preferred that it be occupied rather than sitting vacant. It had two bedrooms and a secluded balcony that overlooked the Gulf. She spent a day getting her clothes in shape from being in the back of her SUV for two months. After straightening out that part of her life, she finally had a chance to settle down and think about who she was, where she had been and where she was going.

She almost cried when she had to sell her Escalade but she could not come close to affording the payments on it. Her money was just about gone and until she started making commissions again, she had no other options.

She loved her used little car and soon got used to the other agents kidding her about it. They called it Kari's Kiddy Kar.

Alcohol and drugs were no longer a part of her life and she had promised her temporary AA sponsor that she would find an AA meeting as soon as she got to wherever she was going. She did not exactly follow her instructions to the letter but, the day that she moved into her condo, she did call and find out where the meetings were in her area. After a week or so, she started going to regular meetings and asked a woman with over fifteen years of sobriety to be her sponsor. She and Corey would become best friends over the next few months.

Sitting on her balcony with a sweet iced tea, she watched the sun move across the Gulf and tried to put some semblance of order into the last few months of her life. She barely remembered the motel where she lived on cocaine and alcohol for a week, but she clearly remembered the TLC and what she had gone through while there.

The first four days were spent in a locked, detox ward where they helped her get the drugs and alcohol out of her system without going into DTs. Once her mind started to clear, she was assigned to a group that met twice a day with a counselor to discuss their problems and to find solutions.

At first, she rejected the idea of discussing anything with a stranger but Maggie, her counselor, slowly gained her confidence and they quickly became friends. Karen still talked to her and she was the one who suggested Karen come back and share her experience with the new people coming into the rehab.

Later on, the staff took her and the other patients to AA and NA meetings outside of the TLC. She learned to like going and listening to other people tell their stories. It did not take her long to start sharing and to realize that she was not unique. Her experiences were not much different than many of the others in the groups.

The darkest days in the TLC came when she had to write what they called a Fourth Step. It was a history of her life so that she could see where she had been so she could try to find out where she was going. The most embarrassing part was the last few months of her life before sobriety.

That was her bottom, as they called it. During that time, she decided that success depended upon sex, drinking and drugging. She opted to shatter her marriage vows for a few, quick words of appreciation, illicit pleasure, and phony promises of a bright future.

"Well, my bright future ended me up in bed with some smelly slob in a motel room filled with empty bottles and baggies," she said to the afternoon sky. "The only things bright about me were my red eyeballs and the hickies on my tits."

Karen could look back on some of it and laugh at her own mistakes and stupidity. Some of it was still too painful to be funny and it probably never would be, at least to her.

She would frequently think about Ray and the tears would come because of how much she had hurt him. The children did not know the details of what had happened so that made it a little easier on them. Melody seemed to be accepting and forgiving but she did not believe she could ever repay or make amends to Ray for her selfish actions.

The week in Vegas was still fresh in her mind and she let her mind float back to that final week of craziness that took her to her bottom.

"I guess it was the only way to get me to admit that I was killing myself and that I had already killed my marriage," she whispered in despair. "I hope Corey was right when she told me that ‘When one door closes, another opens but you have to look for it and be ready to walk through it'."

Going back inside of her condo, Karen located the journal she wrote during the time she spent in the TLC. Sitting on the sofa, she started leafing through it. The first dozen or so entries were filled with confused writing and many lies.

She was justifying everything that she had done with the wildest rationalizations. She was not willing to accept personal responsibility and blamed everything and everybody for her craziness.
It was almost dark by the time she got to the pages on which she had written the inventory of her life. She considered closing the book without rereading it but something told her that this was the right time to continue.

It was not a neatly written saga. Many of the entries corrected by lining through the original rationalizations and noting what really happened. As her recovery progress, she had to stop pretending what had happened.

Corey had told her that she should refresh her memory by reading it from time to time. She told her that as she felt the need, she should take some time with it.

"You'll find that more memories will surface and you should add the new thoughts, feelings, and episodes to it. It is a chronicle of your life and you must make it as accurate as possible."

My first few weeks in my new job had been some of the happiest that I had known for many years," she had written. "Ray and the kids were supportive of me and I was so proud of myself that I thought I would bust."

Thinking back on those times, she realized that she had used sex as a means of getting Ray to go along with her idea of working again. She probably did not have to go as far as she did but she was enjoying the excitement of their newfound intimacy. The playfulness was back and it made it that much more exciting for them.

It did not take long for it to wear thin and for her to become so busy that she forgot about her marriage and her children. Ray was making it easy for her by being backing her in her efforts but as she looked back, she realized that it was forced and he was not as happy as he pretended.

My attitude started to change when I began receiving compliments on my clothes and on my work," she wrote. "The evening when I slipped and fell in the office and Mike peeked up my skirt made me feel sexy and excited. I liked it!! I was worth looking at!

She had not realized it at the time but that night was the first time that she had lied to Ray. It was not an out and out lie but it was an omission of the truth about what had happened with Mike. Even though he had not actually kissed her, she was thrilled that he had tried. What she had not known was that Ray saw the little scene outside of her car and became suspicious and that is why he started questioning her about her relationship with him.

The handwriting in the next journal entry was hard to read because of the crumpled sheet of paper. She remembered writing it and then balling it up because she admitted something she did not want to admit.

I knew Ray was pissed when I forgot about the couples' bowling league the next night. He left me sleeping on the sofa and went to bed without trying to wake me. That was the first time that I drank a whole bottle of wine all by myself. Was that the start of my addiction??

It was about that time that she started attending the parties and the little celebrations that her coworkers seemed to have all of the time. With the prompting of her counselor, she had examined her motives for going to the get-togethers. When she thought back to those days, she realized that everyone did not attend every party. It was only her and a few other drinkers that were always there.

I was not getting the attention that I thought I needed at home. Once I started going to the gym and losing weight, I looked at myself as a different woman. I forgot that I was still a wife and a mother.

Ray still carried a grudge about her buying her Cadillac without his participation. She knew he was upset that she had used their joint income to qualify but had listed herself as the sole owner.

He did not like the "touchy-feely" and "kissy-face" flirting that went on at the parties. He was not buying the idea that they were friendly gestures. She knew that some of them were blatant, sexual advances. Her lying to Ray about them allowed her to reinforce the subterfuge within her own mind.

It felt good to be looked upon as a sexy, desirable woman," the journal entry read. "I did not mind the touching and the quick feels because Ray was pulling farther away from me each day and I was looking for affection.

They seemed to have formed a pattern of settling their arguments with sex. Looking back, Karen realized that she had developed a new sexuality that did not fit the mold of a wife and a mother. Having sex with Ray to soothe him and to stop the fighting gave her a sense of power stemming from her new point-of-view as to her status as a woman.

My classes were the turning point in our relationship. My narrow, telescopic view of my future eliminated any sense of my responsibility to my husband and to my family. I seemed to have enough time for my drinking and my parties but no time for my family.

Ray tried to keep it all together but I was happy in my new life and I was not about to let anything interfere with it. I never stopped to realize how much of my former responsibilities were taken over by my family and I never even thought to thank them for it.

The blowout when Ray and the kids forgot her birthday was a turning point. She went from being depressed all day because she thought they forgot it, to reaching a high when Ray walked in with what she thought was her present. The letdown came when she found out it was really a gift for Brian. It made her feel that she could depend upon her co-workers more than she could on her family.

Wearing Mike's shirt home from her birthday party was a big mistake but she was too drunk to make any decisions that made any sense. She looked forward to her margaritas more than she looked forward to food.

Looking through the journal, she saw how Ray could very well feel that she was being physically unfaithful to him. He had caught her in several compromising situations. Even though, up to that time, she never had sex with anyone but him, she was reaching the point where it was bound to happen.

The signs were all there for him to see and interpret. The wearing of Mike's shirt, the handprints on her slacks and on her blouse, the episode with Mike in the parking lot of the restaurant and the mark on her breast from the ironing board that he thought was a hickey.

For a husband who was suspicious that his wife was cheating on him, they all added up to evidence that proved him right. The final straw was when she was called in to work for her surprise party. Instead of letting him know what was going on, she ended up getting drunk again and doing the Salsa with some guy who tried to fuck her on the dance floor.

That was the night that I realized how much power I had over men. My worries about Ray finding out were pushed aside if I took my little pills and drank. I thought that alcohol solved all of my problems. Drinks at lunch and as many after work drinks that I could down was my way of solving the problem of my failing marriage. I never thought to stop drinking and work on my problems with my husband and family. I just kept drinking.

The handwriting was clearer now as her body detoxed and the shakes went away. She was eating better and she was more serene without the stresses she had brought upon herself. She looked at the little entry that she had written somewhere on practically every page of her diary.

It read, "I'm sorry Ray!!!

Naomi had introduced her to the pills after she came back from lunch a little tipsy one afternoon. She followed her into the ladies room and mentioned that some of the other agents were talking about her drinking.

Karen explained that she was under a lot of stress and that she needed the alcohol to relax. Naomi gave her a couple of pills and told her not to take them with alcohol but to wait until tomorrow morning and try one and see if it helped.

The pills were wonderful. Before pills, I would wake up each morning and my opening thought would be how to keep everything together. I was worried about my upcoming test and keeping Ray from finding out about my flirting and a host of other things. I only took a half of a pill the first morning and that seemed to do the trick all day long.

I could still drink later in the afternoon and the evening but I did not have to worry about someone smelling alcohol on my breath in the morning or early afternoon. The pills also helped me in dealing with the guilt and remorse I was feeling from time to time. I soon found out that the more I flirted with the bounds of my marriage and did not get caught, the less shame I felt and the easier it was for me to do it the next time.

Karen bought the pills from the contact that Naomi gave her. She considered their cost simply as another business expense. She found that she had to increase the dosage every few weeks since they did not seem to work the way they did in the beginning. She was getting worried about the quantity she had to take so she started to experiment. She found that if she took a little vodka with them, no one could smell it and she could reduce the amount she was using.

There was very little in her journal about the Cinco de Mayo party since a lot of it was a blur. She had taken some pills to get through work that morning after her fight with Ray. The pills were still affecting her when she got to the party early in the afternoon.

The margaritas really helped and she was soon floating in what she liked to call her "never-never land." It took discipline to stay in that state, since a few drinks too many and she would start getting slobbery and too few and she would have to play catch-up.

The party was the first time that she had tried pot and she discovered that it helped her to maintain her high and it made her feel good. Between dancing the Salsa with the guys and flirting with them in the tent, she was soon on a sexual as well as a drug high.

The dancing got to her and the crowd yelling their appreciation and goading her on made her feel important. She liked being the star of the show. Letting the guy suck on her breasts was a mistake when she looked back on it. At the time, it seemed the right thing to do to satisfy the crowd.

The next journal entry looked like it was written in haste.

I was passed around like a joint and on every lap that I sat on, each guy I hugged felt my ass or my breasts or fingered my pussy. One guy got his finger up my naughty place before I could stop him and that was when Trey took my top off.

I was lying face up across the laps of four guys and they were feeling me all over and kissing me. One of them got his finger in me and when I protested, Trey saved me. After he pulled me away from them, he unhooked my bra and would not give it back to me.

Karen remembered most of that part of the party. She had been telling Trey that his head looked like the head of a circumcised cock and he did not take it very well. He did not think it was as funny as she and some of the other people did so he was trying to get back at her.

Taking her bra, gave him the upper hand and she walked around the tent with her hands covering her breasts until she found the piece of gauze. Another woman tied it on for her and even though it was see-through, she felt protected.

Adele's appearance and the information that Ray was looking for her gave her a sick feeling. She did not believe her at first but when Adele warned her to sober up, she realized that she was telling the truth. She had not had a drag on a joint for some time but she had been drinking wine and the pot smoke filling the tent was as bad as smoking it.

When she finally agreed to kiss Trey, she was not ready for the impact it would have on her drunk and high body. She felt a rush of sensation that carried her away and the next thing she remembered was masturbating herself on his cock through their clothes. She did not mean to bite him, it just happened when she had her climax.

She was terrified that Ray was going to see her before she got her head cleared and when she saw Donna she thought she was helping her instead of setting her up.

It was Donna that hooked me and Trey up in the grotto, she had written. If it was not for that damn beard of Ray's I would not have let him do me.

Part of the entry was scratched out and an additional line squeezed in and written along the margin after the cross-outs.

I have to stop kidding myself if I am going to get sober. I knew it was Trey and I let him fuck me like the slut that I am. The time I went to the gym and let him do it again was all my fault too. I had this idea that I could have my cake and eat it too but all I got was an STD. I am sorry I had sex with Ray after that and gave it to him. It never occurred to me that I could catch anything. I can not imagine the look on his face when he opened the letter from the health department. I am so sorry Ray! I am so sorry!!

The TLC tested Karen when she arrived and that is when she found she had contracted gonorrhea and chlamydia. Providing a list of her sex partners, including her husband, was one of the most embarrassing moments of her life. She knew she would probably never again see the nurse who accepted the list, but she knew she would be remembered as a slut.

With the help of the nurse, they figured out that she probably got it from Trey. As far as she knew, she did not have any symptoms. The doctor told her that she was on the verge of realizing something was wrong when they caught it. She expected to be subjected to a lot of needles but the treatment was just a few doses of antibiotics for ten days.

I sincerely believed it when I told Ray and myself that I would stop drinking and pay more attention to him and the kids. Now, when I look back on it, I realize that I knew I was keeping the secret of my pills from him. I rationalized that I was not lying since I told him I would quit drinking and that did not include pills. I remember saying I would not drink ‘as much'? Another copout!!

It was late and the television, had not yet been hooked up, so Karen decided to go to bed. She was going to call Melody again but the last few calls were a little tense. Melody had a general idea of what she had done. Although she sounded like she wanted to continue to have a relationship with her mother, she was torn because of her loyalty to her father.

She had been warned about this very thing while in TLC and even though she did not like it, she had to let it go until Melody came to terms with it herself.

"I love you Melody and Brian and I love you and I'm sorry Ray," she said just before dropping off to sleep.

Chapter 54

The morning's heat and humidity predicted another typical hot, August day in Corpus Christi. The new realtor on the block was ready to start beating the streets looking for listings and selling anything that did not move. Her license had finally come through and she was now officially able to work in the State of Texas.

Holding her new brass nametag up for inspection, she read it aloud.

"Kari Keeler. That's a nice name with a nice ring to it. People will remember me."

Sitting at the little table on her balcony, she drank her morning coffee and watched the waves roll in from the Gulf. A lot had changed in just a few months and she had mixed feelings of anxiety and optimism about her future.

Deciding to take her maiden name back after the divorce was final was a first step. Changing her first name was another signal to herself that she intended to get her life back. She needed a clean start. She was now Kari Keeler.

Corpus Christi was good to her and she quickly became known for her ability to sell condos in the new markets of the area. She hit the boom at the right time and found herself on the top of the list with offers from several builders to handle their buildings on an exclusive basis.

By the time a year had passed, she had formed a partnership with a broker and hired a staff of assistants to take over the paperwork. She would have liked to get her Broker's license but she needed another year as an agent in order to qualify. She had not touched alcohol or drugs in that time and she had no intention of ever doing them again.

A friend of her partner invited them to go to Florida and get into the booming Condo market down there. Her partner was not willing to leave his family so she drove to South Florida and jumped into the frenzy. It only took a few months of flipping Condos for her to amass a fortune and get out of the market just before it slumped and the bottom fell out.

Back in Corpus, she concentrated on buying and selling upscale residential and commercial real estate. It did not take long for she and her partner to practically have a monopoly on the market. They were the firm to go to if you were buying, selling or leasing anything over a million dollars.

Karen, now Kari, was back on top with money, prestige, power, and recognition. She was happy but she missed the family life that was no longer a part of her existence. Melody has slowly come around and they spoke often. She yearned for a relationship with Brian but he was cool to her during their infrequent telephone conversations.

Mother and daughter did not discuss Ray or the events leading up to their divorce as a part of their unspoken agreement with each other. She assumed that Melody would mention if Ray got married or was dating but the subject never came up.

Her own social life was nil and she refused any invitation that sounded like a date. She worked out twice a week at a gym where she stayed away from the trainers as much as possible. She only attended business functions and those social functions that would enhance her business. The rest of her time was spent working or at her recovery meetings and playing with her newfound hobby of sailing on the Gulf.

Her closest friends were other professional women. They often accompanied each other to business functions while making it clear that they were not in any kind of a relationship. They had a few men that they used as escorts when the need arose, but it was made clear to them that Kari was out-of-bounds and to not try anything.

Her sex life consisted of her fingers and a toy that she bought. No man or woman had touched her since that creep she found in her hotel bed back in Savannah. She wished that Ray had been her last lover but that was never to be.

She had been back through Savannah a few times on her way to Virginia for follow-up consultations with the TLC. She was friends with the staff and they often asked her to come back and speak to the patients. It helped her as well as the patients. She shared her story with them and gave them hope that they too, could get their life back.

Her last trip through Savannah was only a month before. Except for Adele, she never made any effort to meet with Ray or any of her former friends or business associates. Adele was the exception and they met for lunch or dinner when they could. Adele was one of the few people who knew what had actually happened.

During her visits, they did not speak of Ray or the breakup of their marriage but she did find out that Donna and Mike were back together and doing well. She laughed when she heard that Mike had also been in a rehab and as far as anyone knew he was clean and sober.

No one knew what happened to Trey. He was generally regarded as the source of the STDs that had suddenly infected several of the women and subsequently the men in their lives. Adele knew of the episode in the grotto and the gym tryst, but she had no idea of what had happened in Vegas.

She was pleased to find out that Montrell pleaded guilty but he was sentenced to only eight months in prison and five-years probation. He was already out of prison but no one knew what happened to him.

Since no one except Kari knew about Sean's involvement in drugs, there was no discussion of him and Kari never brought the subject up.
She made it a point to drive down the street where Ray and the kids lived. The house looked the same and there was no car in the driveway but she only slowed down and did not stop. The front yard looked neat and there were even flowers in the box on the porch railing.

"Was it a woman's touch?" she thought.

"Maybe he has a girlfriend," she said aloud and felt jealous at the thought.

There was a garland of some kind hanging on the yard light pole and it brought back the memories of the fight Ray had with Montrell when he caught them making out in the garage. She remembered that it had been another of her record-breaking margarita consumption days. The excitement of the graduation party and her upcoming trip upped her intake to the point where she lost control and the fight was the result.

Corey laughed when she read the entry in the journal where Karen admitted that, When I drank or used cocaine it went right to my pussy and my pussy took control over my life.

Their house, his house now, did not look any different then it had the day she had returned to pick up the suitcases. She wondered what it looked like inside. Did it have any memories of their 20-years together left in there?

Now, almost two years later, she sat on her balcony and let the memories roll by like the waves lapping at the beach. Taking a sip of her coffee, she noticed the invitation sticking up out of her purse and pulled it out to read it again.

Raymond Royals and his daughter, Melody are pleased to announce the graduation of his son and her brother, Brian R. Royals, from Savannah High School on Saturday, May 20. Ceremonies will be held at the school's athletic field. Casual attire is suggested.

Inside was a card inviting the recipient to a post-graduation party at the Royals' home. It included Ray's telephone number for an RSVP but Melody asked her not to call since it was to be a surprise for Brian.

The date was only a little over a week away and on the spur of the moment she decided to drive up to Savannah early. It would be good for her to look around at what was happening in the city where she had spent most of her life. She wanted to buy a graduation present for Brian and it would give her time to shop. Melody would be out of school by then and they could meet for lunch or something.

Chapter 55

It took a few days to arrange her schedule so that she could leave. Her staff was well trained to take over and she was always available for any questions that they may have. She left early in the morning for the two-day drive to Savannah.

She stopped for the night at the Argosy Casino in Baton Rouge and after eating dinner, she tried her luck on a few of the slot machines. She dressed in heels and Capri pants and a mid-riff baring camisole top and she knew she looked good.

She had carefully chosen her clothes to be attractive without looking slutty. She was no longer a young chick and she accepted that fact. She also knew that she was still attractive and, even though she barely admitted it to herself, deep inside she hoped that Ray would find her that way.

She quietly ate up the admiring stares and comments she got from the men who saw her. It made her feel good and gave her confidence a boost. The prospect of seeing her former husband in a few days was making her nervous and excited at the same time.

Several men attempted to start a conversation with her as she sat at the machines, but she rebuffed them without making them feel bad about it.

One younger-looking man was clever enough to get her to open up a little and she agreed to move into a piano lounge with him. He was surprised when she told him she did not drink but she was happy with a diet soda with lemon. She enjoyed flirting and several times over the next two-hours she gently rebuffed his suggestions that they change clothes and go somewhere where they could dance.

They shared enough of their stories for her to find out that he was 28-years old and recently discharged after eight years in the Marine Corps. He worked with his father, a Mortgage Banker, to try and rebuild New Orleans and the other hurricane devastated areas.

He obviously had plenty of money and he tipped the waitress enough to where she spent most of her time making sure that he and Kari were happy. Kari finally decided to go back to her room and she allowed him to walk her to the elevators. While waiting for the elevator, she thanked him for a nice evening and gave him a gentle kiss goodnight.

Watching him watching her as the elevator doors closed she smiled at him and relished the feeling that he made her feel desirable. She was not sure how Ray would look at her.

"If only, God, if only," she whispered in the empty car.

A short time later she lay quietly in her bed enjoying the afterglow of solo sex. Using the corner of the sheet to wipe her lube and scent off of her toy, she put it back into its bag and set it on the nightstand. Curled up under the covers, she felt alive and attractive and for the thousandth time, she wished that Ray was lying next to her.

"Let's not go there, girl," she laughed and tried to get into a comfortable position to get some rest for the long drive she had the next day. Her thighs were still wet from her orgasm and rather than be uncomfortable she finally gave in and getting up she wiped herself with a damp washcloth.

Back under the covers in the nearly dark room her last thoughts, as they were every night, were, "I love you, Ray, and I'm sorry," just before dropping off into a peaceful sleep.

Chapter 56

The sun woke Ray in Savannah a short time before it reached Kari's room in Baton Rouge. Kari was already awake and anticipating the ten or eleven hour drive to Savannah when that same morning light peeped through the crack in her hotel room's curtains.


Both of their thoughts were on each other and both were anticipating their coming meeting with anxiety and more than a little trepidation. She wondered what he looked like after two years. She wondered if she should shake his hand or to try and hug him for the sake of their children.

"Who am I kidding?" she laughed at her rationale. "It's for my sake, too."

She shivered with the thought that he may reject her and make her feel uncomfortable.

He wondered what she looked like after two years and whether he should shake her hand or try and hug her for the sake of their children. His mind flashed back to the image of her being fucked by Montrell. He wondered if he would be able to face her without getting angry at what she had done.

He was surprised when the expected surge of anger and the urge for revenge at the thought did not surface. He wondered if time and counseling had dulled the edge of her betrayal.

"I wonder if she's had sex since we split up?" he asked the bathroom mirror.

As Kari showered and got ready to check-out, she wondered if he dated much or even if he had a steady girlfriend that Melody did not know about.

"Do you suppose he's had sex since we were together?" she wondered.

Collecting a bagel and coffee from the breakfast bar, Kari ate while she drove out of Old Town and onto the Interstate. By the time she had gotten to her car, Ray had already been up and eaten breakfast and was trying to concentrate on reading the morning paper.

"It's just four days until Brian's graduation," Ray thought, "Four days before we see each other after two years. It doesn't seem to be that long."

Traffic was light as she clicked the miles off on I-10 and her thoughts wandered back to the night before. That Marine had stirred something in her that she had forced into dormancy. He had made her feelings of sexuality bubble up to the surface again. Corey had told her that before she could truly recover she would have to face her repressed feelings and she now knew what she meant.

Long periods of being alone always made her look back on her life and she remembered the time leading up to her trip to Vegas. She had looked forward to the week in Vegas for months. She was afraid that Ray would make such a stink about it that she would be forced to cancel it.

She looked in the rear view mirror to make sure no other cars were close to her before she squirmed around to try and get more comfortable. She still was not used to the seat in her new, black Escalade. She felt a little cramp in her ass cheek and it brought back memories of the time she and Ray had tried anal sex.

Reflecting on that incident, she realized that she used it as a way of making amends for her indiscretions but it backfired when it hurt too much. When he forced himself on her she refused to believe his reasoning that he thought she was enjoying it.

His explanation was logical when she honestly considered it. At the time she was more than willing to use the episode as an excuse to drink and look for approval some place other than from him. The congratulations she received when she walked into the office that morning more than validated her decision and her resolve not to let him interfere with her career.

By the time the plane landed in Vegas, she was already high from anticipation. She was looking to have fun and maybe one last fling. She did not think she would learn anything from the etiquette school and she viewed it as just an excuse to get a free vacation in Vegas.

She surprised herself with all that she learned and the spa treatments and pampering made her feel like a new woman. They talked her into cutting her hair and adding some highlights and when she looked in the mirror, she did not recognize herself. By the third day, she felt twenty years younger and she could not stop touching her newly tanned and silky smooth body.

She wanted to let everybody see the new her and when she shopped with the girls, she let it all hang out. She bought the sexiest underwear, dresses, and shoes that she could find. Standing in front of the mirror in her new, blue dress, she fell in love with what she had become. The first night that she wore it to dinner and then to the casino, she must have been hit on fifteen times.

When they talked her into going to the dance club she was hesitant but after having that little tiff with Ray she went anyway. The celebratory champagne she had at their graduation luncheon was the first drink she had in over a week and it set her off.


Ray's attitude when she called him while she was changing to go to the dance club pissed her off. She wanted him to be happy for her but all she got from his tone of voice was that he was suspicious that she was drinking again.

His sleazy comment about girls getting pregnant on graduation night was uncalled for and she was not going to let him deny her a good time. Changing into her new dress, she admired herself in the mirror and readjusted the halter-top to show off her breasts a little more.

The dress was fitted with a built-in bra that only covered the sides of her breasts and barely concealed her areolas. To her delight, it made her look like she had a lot more than she really did have there. Her ego amped up and she squared her shoulders to emphasize her chest. After touching up her make-up she went down to meet the girls.

She agreed to one drink at the dance club, but more drinks followed. She finally gave in to the girls' teasing and danced with a couple of guys. They all tried to get a feel and she let a few of them squeeze her ass. One even got his hand down the back of her dress before she stopped him.

She could not believe how open everybody was and she could see couples grinding together on the dance floor without regard for the people around them. One guy, barely over 21, flat out asked her if he could take her back to his room.

"I want to make love to you," he whispered in her ear and pulled her belly into his erection. "I love older women and I will make you love me."

"How old do you think I am?" she asked expecting him to lie and say 35 or so.

To her surprise, he told her that he and his friends figured she was 30 or 31-years old.

When she informed him that she was over 40 and married, he held her hand up and asked why she was not wearing her wedding rings. She laughed and told him that it was against the law to wear wedding rings in Vegas.

Montrell's appearance in the hotel bar where they stopped for a drink after leaving the dance club caught her by surprise. She had managed to stay away from him during the classes but it was more difficult in the club atmosphere. She was not sure how to react but she knew that she had to keep her distance and not drink anymore.

"If Ray knew he was here he would shit," she told herself. "Nothing I could say would make him believe that this was not planned."

"Hey, girls," he said when he walked into the bar. "Fancy meeting you here."

Everybody but Karen rushed to greet him but she remained seated and only nodded when he looked over at her.

"Do we have a party pooper here?" he laughed. "Is she our chaperone for the evening?"

Karen was embarrassed at his comment and immediately went on the defensive.

"The girls laughed and when they urged Karen to join them in another drink she gave in so as not to look like a mother hen. They stayed in the bar for a little while before Montrell invited them up to his room for a surprise.

"C'mon girls, I've got something for each of you," he said and they headed for the elevators with Karen tagging along behind.

Once in the room, Karen tried to figure out a way to leave without making a scene. Before she could get away, he gave them each a box with a necklace and earring set in them. Even Karen was impressed and taken by his generosity. They tried them on in front of the mirror and the next thing she knew she was going down the elevator to a limousine hired by Montrell.

She managed to stay away from him and the two other men who were already in the car but at the club she could not refuse to dance with any of them. One was named Sean, but she could not remember the name of the other one. The men danced with all of the girls and at times, the entire party was on the crowded dance floor.

Karen did not know who was feeling her up on the floor but she was enjoying herself and letting go to the music. During one of the dances, she felt someone's arms wrap themselves around her from the rear and she knew it was Montrell even before he whispered into her ear.

"Do you know that you are the most beautiful creature in this club?"

Karen let herself continue to move with the music as she ate up the words that were filling her head. She felt his lips touch her neck and she tilted her head to give him better access. When his hands came up and squeezed her breasts she tensed and tried to move away. He quickly released her and backed away to continue dancing with the group.

She did not know how many clubs they went to but it was at least three and at each one of them she had a drink or two. By the time they headed back to the hotel, she was not feeling any pain. She found herself sitting next to Montrell in the limo and he offered her a pill that he took from a little plastic bottle.

"Want to fly?" he asked.

Karen was at the point of refusing when she noticed Sean passing out identical tablets to the rest of the girls in the limo. They all took one and washed it down with champagne.

"Stick out your tongue," he said and when she did, he placed one on it and offered her his glass.

Whatever was in the pill took the edge off of the booze and made her feel loose without feeling drunk. She joined in the laughter and the innuendoes and told them about Ray's comment about getting pregnant.

They all laughed and someone made a joke about a college professor who stuffed his pants with a sock to make it look like he had a decent sized wiener. One day it fell down his pants leg and his whole class laughed at him and called him Dr. Wiener from then on.

Karen found herself laughing along with the crowd at Ray's expense.

Going along with the group, she ended up in Montrell's room again but found she was alone with him when she came out of the bathroom. She knew she had to get out of there or she would end up doing something she was not supposed to do. It did not work and when Montrell talked her into having some more wine and then told her how great she was, she stayed to hear more of his praise.

The sound of a car's horn warning her that she was drifting out of her lane brought her back to the moment. Focusing back on the road, she started concentrating on her driving as she neared the turn to get on I-65 towards Montgomery. Stopping at the first rest area, she stretched her legs and went to the ladies' room. It was a beautiful afternoon and she sat at one of the picnic tables drinking a soda and watching the people go by.

Several men stared at her and one made a move to come over to talk to her but she gave him a cold stare and he thought better of it.

"I've still got it," she smiled to herself and thrust her chest out a little. "I wonder if Ray will notice."

Getting up she tossed her empty can into the trash and walked back to her car.

"Stop it you fool," she admonished herself. "You're acting like a drunken slut again."

Back on the road, her mind wandered back to Vegas.

She remembered Montrell offering her something to drink while she looked into the mirror and admired herself. His compliments fed her ego and she loved having him touch her and talk to her. When he offered her the cocaine, she was not going to take it but she did not want to disappoint him and maybe not get the training job he talked about.

Once he started making love to her in front of the mirror the thought never crossed her mind to make him stop. The final straw came when she tried the cocaine and lost all reason. She remembered feeling like her head was going to explode.

As soon as the powder hit her nasal membranes, the lights in the room got so bright that her eyes ached and she felt like she had developed a thousand new nerve endings all over her body. The touch of his hands and lips was like fire on her skin and the feeling remained even after he moved away.

Kari's hands tightened on the steering wheel when she felt her nipples engorge as she remembered how she felt when he touched her breasts and fondled her nipples.

She squirmed in her seat and the voice of Corey came to her mind.

"We have all had some wonderful times while we were using alcohol and drugs. That's why we used them. They took us to places that we never knew we could reach. You'll remember those good times and it's OK to do that. You also have to remember that you don't need drugs or alcohol to reach those same places once you learn who you really are."

She remembered looking at herself in the mirror in that Vegas hotel room and thinking that she had never seen anything as erotic as the images reflecting back to her. She watched his hands move over her body and her flesh seemed to anticipate his touch and become ultra-sensitive. She expected to find a mark where he had touched her before he moved on to another, even more sensitive, place. It was like watching a movie but she could feel what the woman in the movie was feeling.

Thankfully, there were no other vehicles near her when her cell phone started vibrating followed by Ray's ringtone. She had not heard it since that night in Vegas two years ago and it jarred her so much that she swerved into the other lane. At the sound, the vision of she and Montrell naked on the bed flashed in front of her eyes. For an instant, she was back there with Montrell between her legs.

Trembling with fear at her near accident, she pulled back into the right hand lane and saw "Ray's Cell" displayed on the cars GPS screen.

Pushing the button on the steering wheel, she answered it.

"Hello," she said haltingly.
"Mom? Are you all right? You sound funny," Melody's voice came out of the radio speaker.

"Oh, hi sweetheart. I'm fine. Why are you using your dad's phone?" she asked and got control of her voice again. "I was startled when my phone rang and I swerved a little, that's all. How are you?"

"Mine's on the charger and I wanted him to know your new number if he needed it. I'm excited about seeing you. When are you coming?"

"I'll be there in a few hours. I decided to drive up early. I have some shopping to do and maybe we can meet for lunch on Thursday. OK?"

"Sure, I'd like that. What are you buying me?"

"Ha, ha. You got your present for this year and for several years to come."

"Ha, ha back to you. Don't forget, I'll have tuition next year too. I have to pick up some stuff for the graduation party so maybe you can go shopping with me. It'll be fun. Like old times."

"I'd like that," Kari said and wiped the mist from her eyes with the backs of her fingers.

"Uh, are you going to sit with dad and me at the graduation ceremony?"

"I don't know if that would be OK with your father," Kari responded.

"He has a name, mother. You can call him Ray or even ‘him' instead of referring to him as ‘your father' all of the time."

"I know, but it's just hard to do after so long. Has he said anything? I mean, about me coming and all?"

"He seemed happy you were coming. I don't know if it is because of Brian or because he is looking forward to seeing you."

"I doubt he is looking forward to seeing me. How do you think Brian is going to react? Maybe he doesn't want me to come."

"Brian will be glad to see you. He pretends that he's forgotten you but he hasn't. He still keeps that stupid picture of you and him at the beach in his room. He's trying to be macho and not let dad down, that's all."

"I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high for either of them. I don't want to be too disappointed, you know."

"Everything'll be OK. I promise you. Where will you stay?"

"I've got reservations at the Doubletree downtown. Why?"

"Just wondering. Fancy place you're staying at. Expecting to impress a young stud and take him back to your plush room to get laid?"

"Melody!" she exclaimed. "Watch your mouth. Remember who you're talking to."

"Yes, mother," she laughed. "Had any good lovers lately or are you good and horny? Maybe dad will get lucky, huh?"

"OK, that's it. I'm hanging up. You're being a brat and leave your father out of this. He doesn't want me anymore."

Melody's voice took on a serious tone.

"He doesn't want Karen Royals, but maybe Kari Keeler has a chance? Bye, bye. Drive carefully, I'll see you later."

"Fat chance!" Kari said and pushed the button to hang up. "Kari or Karen doesn't matter to him. I'm still the woman who fucked up their marriage."

The sound of Ray's ringtone playing in the hotel that night in Vegas came back into her thoughts. It was a fleeting moment of clarity in her muddled state. She wanted to talk to him, to explain what had happened, to tell him she was sorry for what she was doing but Montrell hung up on him. Looking back on it, she could see that it was for the best that she did not talk to him that night.

As hard as she tried to avoid them, bits and pieces of what happened that night with Montrell kept intruding.

"Why now?" she asked herself. "I know I have to live with what I did and I have to face my past life but why on I-65 in, of all places, Alabama?"

Replaying the scene in her mind, she remembered that it had not ended on the happy note that she had first fixed in her memory. He had hurt her and when he was finished with her, he threw her out.

She remembered she pretended it was OK because she still had a hope for that teaching job he talked about. Now, she admitted that it was all bullshit to get her to go to bed with him. Coming across Robyn in the hallway outside of his door was a humiliating surprise. She knew that her makeup was smeared all over her face and she was sure there were still traces of his semen on her neck and chest.

Embarrassed at her appearance, she mumbled something and hurried past her to the elevator and down to her room. She saw Robyn again on Sunday before she left but she never mentioned anything about seeing her and she did not know if she had told anyone else about it.

The Low Fuel alarm chimed and she left the Interstate at the next exit for a fast food hamburger, gas and a pee.

Corey's words came back to her, "The longer you're sober the more of your ‘memory bubbles' will break. You'll find that you will come face-to-face with some of your most exciting moments as well as some of your most degrading ones. The secret is to see them for what they are. They are moments influenced by your drugs and alcohol. They will be a reminder of what you were like while you were using. Use them only as a reminder and remember to not dwell on them nor act on them. They are a glimpse into your past, not your future."

It was hot and humid on the patio of the combination gas station/restaurant. The umbrella shielding the table from the hot sun did not shield her from the humidity that was causing her clothes to stick to her sweaty skin.

Looking around for a trashcan she spotted a young, twenty-something, man heading for her table. He was carrying a bag of food and a cup of soda. He had a big smile on his face and he was getting ready to charm her pants off of her.

"Hey, sugah!" he said. "Mind if I sit here by the pretty lady?"

Plopping himself down without waiting for her reply, he tore open the bag and gesturing towards it, he offered, "Want some fries?"

"Uh, no thanks," she replied and got up from the bench.

"Where you goin', sugah?" he asked. "What's your hurry?"

"I'm going home," she replied and left him sitting alone.

Merging back onto the Interstate, Kari shook her head and laughed out loud.

"Sugah, indeed. I'm old enough to be his mother," she said dismissively but inside she again harbored a little sense of satisfaction that she was still hot enough to attract men.

It was almost eleven o'clock that evening when Kari finally pulled into the reception area of the Doubletree Hotel. A valet unloaded her bags and took her car away while she went in and registered. She was expected and a bellhop was entering her room with her bags just as she got there.

He laughed at her one-handed fumbling with her purse to give him a tip. He offered to hold the warm, chocolate chip cookie that the hotel traditionally gave to its guests upon their arrival. Feeling generous, she handed him a ten-dollar bill and he bowed himself out of the door.

Tired from the long drive, she stripped off her clothes and was asleep almost before her head hit the pillow.

The sound of her cell phone woke her the next morning. She was having trouble seeing the caller ID and she was relieved to hear Melody's voice when she answered.

"Good-morning, mom," her cheerful voice said in her ear. "Sleep well?"

"Yes, what time is it?" she asked and turned to squint at the bedside clock.

"It's almost nine o'clock," Melody responded. "Are you just waking up? What happened? Did you find a stud and he kept you up all night?"

"Melody, stop that. It's not funny. I haven't been with a man in two years. Why am I telling you this? Forget I said that. It's none of your business."

"Two years? My God! You must be a virgin again unless you're using Plastic Man. Remember, if you don't use it, you lose it."

"All right, young lady, that is entirely enough on that subject! What do you want?"

"What time do you want to meet? I have to go into dad's work for a little while in the morning. He got me a job running blueprints when I'm home from school and I hope to get some real architect experience this summer. How about we meet at about two o'clock for a late lunch? You pick the place."

"That sounds like a good idea. I like the River House, I'll see you there."

Chapter 57

"It's been a long two years," she reminded herself and took another sip of her iced tea.

"Hey, mom!" Melody's voice cut through her reverie.

"My God, it's so good to see you again," Kari, said. "You look wonderful."

"So do you, mom! So do you! You are gorgeous!"

Tears were blurring Kari's vision.

"Thanks, sweetheart. I missed you."

They hugged each other and exchanged more kisses before sitting down at the table. The waitress came right over and brought another sweet, iced tea without being asked. After ordering their lunch, they talked about the upcoming graduation and who was coming to the party afterward at Ray's house. It sounded funny calling it "Ray's house" but he had bought her out as part of the divorce settlement and it was no longer hers.

After they finished lunch, they shared a piece of pecan pie with a side dish of ice cream that melted so quickly they were eating ice cream soup. They laughed so hard that Kari thought she was going to pee her pants. The thought sent Melody off on another round of laughter that had people looking at them.

"It's OK," Melody said between her hiccups from laughing. "They'll think it's just sweat coming through the seat of the chair. Does pee rust cast iron?"

Hanging on to each other they paid the waitress and laughed their way through the restaurant and out to Melody's car.

"Like my new car?" she asked with more laughter. "Some old lady bought it for me. I'll have to thank her some day."

"Just graduate with honors and the old lady will consider that to be thanks enough."

"Before you start driving, I have something to say to you," Kari said and touched Melody's arm.

"Sure, mom. What?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you for the last two years. I only wish I could take it all back but I can't and I have to move forward. I'll try and make it up to you for the rest of my life. Please accept my apology and my continuing amends for the harm that I have caused you and our family."

"Oh, mom," Melody sobbed and leaning over the center console, she hugged her mother. "You don't have to apologize and you don't have to make any ‘amends', as you call them. Just seeing you well and happy is enough for me. Now let's do some power shopping. I know a neat shoe store that has the sexiest shoes you ever saw."

Kari sat back and admired this grown woman sitting next to her as they drove through Savannah's traffic. She was glad that Melody had chosen to stay in contact with her and kept them close. Closer than Kari thought they ever could be after what happened.

"Closer than I deserve," she murmured along with a silent prayer of thanks.

"What, mom?" Melody asked and glanced towards her. "What did you say?"

"I said, I'm happy and grateful that you are my daughter," she answered and squeezed Melody's forearm.

"Uh, mom?"

"What honey?"

"Why don't you come over to the house tonight? Brian has graduation rehearsal and then we're going to order pizza. It'll be like old times. OK?"

"Oh, I don't think so, honey. I don't think your father, I mean Ray, would like me interfering in a family evening. No, I couldn't."

"Mom, you would not be interfering. You are family. You're our mother, remember?"

"I'm your mother but I'm not your father's wife anymore. Thanks, but I don't think it will work."

"I'm going to ask dad, OK? If he says it's OK will you come?"

"I don't know, honey. I'm afraid it will be awkward and I don't want to screw up another graduation. Remember what I did to yours?"

"You won't screw anything up mother. You're not like that anymore. Please? Let me ask him?"

"All right, but only if you don't tell him that you already talked to me about it. I don't want him to feel obligated or pressured in any way. Do you understand what I mean?"

"Great! I'll call him as soon as we park."

Kari had her doubts about the whole thing. She would like to see Ray and Brian before the graduation. She wanted to be sure that there were no signs of rejection of her on their part. If she made them uncomfortable or if she did not feel welcome at the ceremony, she was prepared to make a graceful exit and skip the party. She knew she had to talk with Ray at some point. He was at the top of her amends list, but she had planned on doing that at another time.

After Melody parked the car, Kari got out and strolled towards the mall entrance while Melody made her telephone call to Ray. She was sure he would not want to go along with it and she did not want to be there when he rejected the idea. She was not sure that it was a good idea anyway but she went along with it to please Melody.

"My naïve, romantic child," she said aloud and startled a passerby who overheard her. "I love you."

She watched as Melody got out of her car and began walking towards her. She tried to read her face but she could not tell from her expression what he had said. Melody got to within ten feet of her when Kari felt her cell phone vibrating on her waist. Before she could get it out the sounds of Elvis' "Love Me Tender" started playing.

Melody was close enough to hear it and she broke out into a big grin.

"Better answer that, mother. It may be important," she said sarcastically.

"Hello … Oh, hi Ray, how are you … It's good to hear your voice too … tonight, I'd love to if that wouldn't be any trouble. I'd like to see Brian, and you, of course … seven o'clock is fine with me ... yes, I still like it with extra-cheese and pepperoni … no, no beer or anything … I don't drink anymore … thank you, soda will be fine … yes, me too, I'm looking forward to it … see you tonight."

"You kept his ringtone on your cell phone all of this time?"

"I guess I forgot to take it off," she lied.

"Yeah, sure! That's not the same phone you used to have. You transferred it to your new phone didn't you?"

"Yes, I admit it. Now let's do some shopping."

"That wasn't so hard, was it? Melody asked and linking her arm with her mother's she walked alongside of her into the mall.

Kari could not keep her mind on shopping. She enjoyed spending time with Melody but her thoughts kept drifting to what would happen that evening. She was projecting the entire scenario in her head including writing a script for what each of them would say.

"Stop it!" she muttered, loud enough for Melody to hear.

"Stop what?" Melody looked at her in puzzlement.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just thinking about something, that's all."

"Tonight?"

"Yes, tonight. You don't know how hard this is for me. I'm inserting myself back into what could turn out to be a very embarrassing and uncomfortable situation."

"Everything will be OK. Now stop worrying," Melody said and pulled her mother into her arms to give her a hug. "It'll be fine."

"You don't understand. I'm the one who wronged our family. I'm the one who destroyed what we had and I don't know what is going to happen when we meet again. It's one thing to talk on the phone but it's quite another when I have to come face-to-face with your father, Ray, I mean, and Brian. That moment may change everything and I'll be devastated."

"Mom! It'll be alright."

"I'm sorry, honey. I want to go back to the hotel. I have to wash my hair and decide what I'm going to wear tonight. Please, take me back?"

"OK, but you're making a big thing out of nothing. Wear what you're wearing now. If you really want to make it exciting wear a pair of short, shorts and a halter top."

"You are making more of this than you should. I don't think there is a chance in hell of your father ever forgiving me or ever wanting to spend any more time with me than he has to. Now let's go. Please?"

Melody dropped Kari off at her hotel and promised to be at the house when she got there. Kari was terrified that she would find herself alone with Ray or Brian and she needed support.

Once in the hotel, Kari called Corey, her AA sponsor back in Corpus, and talked to her for a nearly a half-hour. She told her what was going on and how afraid she was of what was going to happen that evening. As expected, her sponsor told her that she was projecting the worst possible scenario and to stop and think of how far she had come in the last two years.

Corey reminded her, "You are perfectly capable of handling yourself without the aid of alcohol or drugs. Now, some people have to work for a living and one of them is me. You'll be fine and I've got to get back to work. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Kari felt better after talking to her and took a long shower and washed her hair. Deciding she needed a nap, she wrapped her wet hair in a towel and covered in a hotel robe, she fell asleep across the bed.

Ray was having trouble concentrating on his work. He was in no better emotional shape than Kari. He, too, was projecting what would happen when they met and his anxiety level was at the top of the chart.

Despite what his actions had been in the past, Ray was always suspicious that Brian played the macho game with respect to his mother. He hoped that he was right and that he would be happy to see her again. Melody had told him that he often asked her how his mother was doing.

Ray was glad that Melody had enough sense to set the evening meeting up. His fear was of the emotions that might flare up when he saw his ex-wife for the first time in two years.

Chapter 58

Kari was floundering around on the bed and Montrell was holding her down while Sean kept trying to penetrate her rectum. It was hurting her and she was yelling for Ray but he was not there even though she could hear him singing, "Love me Tender."

They were pouring cocaine on her face and she was holding her breath so she would not get any up her nose. All she could see was the white powder sifting down on her. Her arm hurt and she woke up to find that the big collar on the white robe was covering her face and her forearm was hurting like hell.

Sliding the sleeve of the robe up her arm, she looked at the red mark on it. It must have come from hitting it on the bedside table during her nightmare. She lay there and shivered as she remembered the dream she was having. She knew where its roots lay and she tried not to let the thoughts consume her but her mind would not stop running.

That night in Vegas had been both the most exciting and the worst night of her life. The alcohol, cocaine, and whatever other drugs Montrell gave her had put her off in another universe. She remembered the fabulous high that enveloped her each time she snorted the powder. Her head felt like it was about to explode as every nerve ending in her body came alive and demanded immediate and unending stimulation.

She wanted to feel the exquisiteness of continuous sexual orgasms with each one pushing her higher than the last. Montrell became her God, her protector, and the man who provided the powerful catalyst that sent her into paradise. She remembered reaching out to him, offering her body as a slut would offer herself to anyone who paid her. She was a prostitute who gave of her body in exchange for validation, praise, pleasure and drugs.

She knew that each of her trips into that rapturous universe would quickly end and she would come crashing back down to reality. She did not worry because she knew that there was more of Montrell's magic at hand to once more send her back up through the heavens where more pleasure awaited.

Sean's appearance in the hotel room made her trip back to reality more painful than any of her previous ones. He had hurt her when he penetrated her rectum and she bled for hours afterward. She remembered the laughter and derision with which they treated her. She was "just a fuck" and she knew that is how they defined her. She was not the professional that they admired and praised. She was "just a fuck!"

As her counselor helped her analyze those two nights in that hotel room, she suddenly reached an epiphany. There was no love or affection in their couplings, they were "just a fuck" to her as much as she was to them.
The understanding did not give her any pleasure but it made her realize all the more intensely that what she had thrown away was Ray's love for her. She destroyed her marriage and her life for "just a fuck!"

The sound of Ray's telephone call in that hotel room was like being hit in the face with a bucket of cold water. She was suddenly sober and all of her past transgressions came back to her with glaring clarity. She had whored herself and she was ashamed.

After stumbling back to her room she tried to get enough nerve to call him back but she was afraid. She knew that, in the shape she was in, she could not get her story straight so she decided to wait until later. Her flight was due to leave at noon and with the stop over she would not get to Savannah until six. She fell into a fitful sleep that kept getting interrupted by the ache in her bottom.

She barely woke up in time to checkout and to call a cab since she had to be at the airport by ten at the latest. Montrell called while she was getting dressed but she refused to ride to the airport with him. There was no avoiding him at the airport and their seats on the plane were next to each other so she knew she would have to endure him on the flight.

He tried to apologize but she did not want anything to do with him. She had no way of refusing to let him put his suitcase on her ticket since he, or the company at least, had paid for it. He was still going to be her boss and she did not want to get him any angrier than he already appeared to be.

She felt ill and thought she was going to throw up when the plane took off. He convinced her that she needed a Bloody Mary to calm her down and she accepted it without too much of a fuss. Her rectum hurt and she knew blood was soaking through the Light Days pad she wore. The drink seemed to be just the thing and she gulped it down and ordered a second one. She heard him tell the attendant to make it a double and by the time she arrived in Savannah, she was feeling no pain.

She had refused to respond to Montrell's continuing attempts to apologize during the flight. She only acknowledged him when he passed a drink from the attendant's cart to her and took her empty glass away.

When they arrived at the airport she tried to stay away from him, but her shoe had come off at the bottom of the escalator and she would have fallen if he had not caught her. He helped her put it back on and he tried to grab her and kiss her but she fended him off.

She was getting sicker by the minute and when her luggage did not arrive she barely made it to the counter to fill out a Lost Luggage tag. She was hoping that Ray was going to be there but she did not see him. In his absence, she was determined she was going to get her own cab and not ride with Montrell. It was not until he nudged her and told her that Ray was waiting for her did she feel a little relief.

Looking up at the ceiling of the Doubletree Hotel room, tears poured down her cheeks and into the bedcovering. She was remembering the anguish and the total feeling of hopelessness that shrouded her when she found the contents of her purse scattered on the kitchen table. The rest of the week was a hopeless blur of booze and drugs and the final straw was waking up next to that guy.

"Oh, God, please help me," she remembered wailing as she hugged the toilet in that motel bathroom after kicking him out of her room.

"That was then and this is now," she reminded herself.

After rinsing the tears from her face with cold water, she stood looking out the window of the hotel and thanked God for saving her that day. Throwing the robe on the bed she dressed for an evening with her family that she had thought would never come.

Stopping at the little store on the way out, she picked up a tin of the hotel's famous chocolate-chip cookies to take as a present.

"I can't take wine anymore," she laughed and waited for the valet to bring her car around.

Kari was relieved to see Melody's car in the driveway as she drove slowly up to the home she once called her own. Taking a last look at her hair and makeup in the mirror, she collected her purse and cookies and walked up to the front door.

It felt strange pushing the doorbell button that triggered the familiar sound of the chimes inside. A few seconds later the door opened and Melody stood there with a huge smile on her face.

"Mom, you look fabulous," she whispered in her ear as she pulled her inside and closed the door.

Taking her by the hand, Melody led her into the kitchen where Ray stood with his back leaning against the counter. There was an awkward silence that lasted for only a few seconds as they studied each other but to Kari and Ray it seemed to go on forever.

Melody broke it by introducing them to each other as if they had never met.

There was a little giggle in her voice as she said, "Kari Keeler, please meet Ray Royals. Mr. Royals, Ms. Keeler."

They both looked at Melody as if she had lost her mind and then they broke out laughing.

Melody joined in the laughter.

"I could have said, mother, meet my father. Daddy, meet my mother."

Ray and Kari each took a step towards each other and paused before taking another step that brought them within hand shaking distance of each other. Kari extended her hand at the same time that Ray extended his and their fingers touched.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Royals," said Kari.

"Likewise, Ms. Keeler," he replied.

Their eyes never left each other's.

"I brought you a small gift," Kari said and handed him the tin of cookies.

Still holding her hand in his, he took the tin and handed it off to Melody who was standing silently nearby.

"Here mom, let me take your purse too."

Kari did not respond but let Melody ease her purse out from under her arm.

"You look well," she told Ray.

"You look beautiful," he responded as his eyes swept down her body and back up to her face. "Just beautiful."

Kari had carefully chosen her clothes so that they flattered her without making her look too sexy or slutty. She wore minimal make-up and peach, low-waisted Capri pants topped by a matching camisole that showed just a hint of her tanned belly. The only jewelry she wore was a fine chain necklace supporting a heart that rested just above the beginning of her cleavage. Her fingernails and toenails were painted in a matching, pale peach polish that highlighted her beige, high-heeled sandals with gold-toned straps.

"Thank you," she responded quietly. "The south Texas climate does nice things for a person."

Melody had backed up out of the way and intently watched and listened from across the kitchen. Somehow they were now holding both of each other's hands and they had huge smiles on their faces.

Suddenly, Kari lost it. Her face crumpled and she broke into tears.

"Ray, I'm sorry. I am so sorry for what I have done to you … to us," she said as tears rolled down her face.

Pulling her hands from his she used them to cover her face as she continued to sob.

Ray tried to speak but his throat hurt from the emotions that were flooding him and no sound came out. He wanted to take her into his arms but he was afraid to take the step. He stood there with his arms outstretched and his palms out in supplication.

"Daddy! Go to her," Melody ordered in a quiet voice. "I'm leaving to pick up Brian. I want you both to be smiling when I get back."

Ray glanced at Melody as she turned and walked towards the front door. He took a hesitant step towards Kari just as she dropped her hands from in front of her face. She stood her ground for a moment before her knees appeared to give away beneath her.

Ray reached her in another step and gripped her upper arms to hold her up. Her high heels put them at about the same height and she looked at him with eyes that pleaded for forgiveness and understanding.

Dropping her eyes, she looked down and he barely heard her words.

"I am so sorry," she repeated. "I've never stopped loving you and I wish I could make it all go away but I can't and I hate myself for it!"

Ray put his finger underneath her chin and gently lifted it so she was again looking into his face.

"I know you are. I know you haven't," he confirmed her statements. "I wish it would all go away too."

"I have to talk to you. I have to tell you things that you don't know about me. I have to tell you what happened so I can be free of my past. I promise that I will try to make amends for what I have done to you, to our marriage and to our family. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't deserve it, but I promise I will never hurt you again."

Ray stared into her eyes as he absorbed her statement. His heart wanted to believe every word that came out of her mouth but his mind would not allow him to forget the past quite so easily. Releasing her arms, he caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers hand and laughed a quiet laugh.

"Why are you laughing at me?" she said in a worried tone. "I'm sorry if I …"

"No, no," he said. "I'm laughing at your makeup running down your face. You look like a drowned kitty cat. A dirty faced but still beautiful kitty cat."

Kari was afraid to touch him. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him as tightly as she could but she was afraid to make the attempt. She tentatively reached up and held his forearms but when he moved them, her face framed a pout because she thought he was pushing her away.

Dropping her arms she was ready to back away when she realized that he was changing position so that he could put his arms around her and pull her tightly against him. As he crushed her body against his she clasped him in a grip so tight that she hurt her arms.

Releasing her he said, "Here, let's go out on the patio and sit down. It will take Melody a good hour to get there and find Brian and bring him back. He doesn't know you are here but I'm sure he will be surprised and happy when he sees you."

Taking her by the hand, he started to lead her out onto the patio and towards the familiar chairs that she had missed so much.

"Do you want a drink?" he asked.

"A glass of water will be fine," she responded and stopped in the doorway. "But first, I want to wash my face, I'll be right back."

Ray watched her turn and go back into the kitchen. His breath caught in his throat when she bent down to retrieve her purse from the kitchen chair causing her rose-colored V-string to appear above the waist of her pants. Returning a few minutes later, she placed her purse on the counter and walking out onto the patio, she pulled a chair up close to Ray's.

"I don't know where to begin," she said with a sigh. "I don't know how much you really know and I'm not sure how much you want or need to hear. I know I wish my sponsor were here with me right now to help me get through this. I have to find the strength to do this."

Ray sat forward on his chair and held her hands.

"Karen," he started before correcting himself with a little smile. "Kari, Melody has told me a lot of what you have been through and I may have a deeper understanding than you think I do. I can't say I completely understand everything but I want to learn more."

"Thank you," she replied and tightened her grip on his hands.

"It all started when I got the job with Mike and discovered that I was more than a wife and a mother. I soaked up the praise and encouragement that I received from my new friends and coworkers like a desert dried sponge. I wallowed in it and it became my first drug. I was selfishly charging forward without regard for what you had done for me in the past. I only thought about me and my pleasure and my success and I didn't care if it came from praise, booze, or drugs. I needed it and I wanted it."

"Kari, I understand. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Don't destroy what you have worked so hard to rebuild."

She looked at him in amazement and absorbed the soundness of his statement. She had worked hard to get to this point and she did not want to lose one iota of what she had gained in the past two years.

Releasing his hands, she took a deep breath and sitting back in her chair she looked directly at him and said, "It all began when I started going to the gym and started drinking more. It got totally out of control at the Cinco de Mayo party when I lied to you about getting there early."

Pausing she looked up at the sky as if asking for help and then looked back down at Ray.

"That was the first time that I was physically unfaithful to you."

Ray's body jerked as he absorbed the comment but he did not say anything. He dropped his eyes and she could tell that she had, once again, deeply hurt him.

"It was with Trey."

Ray's head snapped up and he tensed in his chair and made a sound, almost like a sob, when he heard her say Trey's name. She continued talking without stopping for the next twenty-five minutes, only pausing for a sip of water now and then. Ray sat stoically in his chair and listened without saying a word.

She finished by saying, "The morning I woke up in that hotel bed with a strange man beside me and knowing what had happened the night before, was my bottom. I knew I couldn't fall any lower than that and I had to do something about it. It was either suicide or get help somewhere. I didn't know where to go. I couldn't call you and the only person that I could think would help me was the attorney that Vincent had recommended. I called her and she turned out to be my savior. She helped me to find my way back into reality."

"Well …" Ray started to say.

"Oh, excuse me. One more thing I have to tell you. That hug you gave me a few minutes ago was the first time that a man has had his arms around me since that night."

"I'm stunned," was all Ray could say. "You know that I have the DVDs from that Friday night in Vegas and that I saw what happened there. What you don't know is that I have one from the next night too, the night you were raped by Sean. I saw that happen. As you described it I could see it again as if it was playing on the television screen."

"Oh, Ray. I am so sorry that you had to see all of that happen. It's bad enough that I did it, but for you to witness it with your own eyes must have been terrible. It must still be terrible to have the images in your mind of what your wife did to you. I'm truly sorry."

Taking a sip of water she continued, "I told you before, I'm not asking for your forgiveness, but I am asking that you allow me to try and make amends for what I have done. I don't exactly know how I will do that except to live as a sober, stable human being and to help with the children as long as I can."

Taking her hands back into his, he said softly and almost apologetically, "I don't know if I can ever forgive you. I am willing to try and move on from this moment without bringing up the past but I honestly don't know if I can do that. What I will promise is to try my best to see you for what you were before all of that happened and for what you are now."

Standing, he pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her. She rested her cheek in the hollow of his neck and allowed her body to melt into his warm embrace.

Ray's mind was whirling with emotion. He felt comfortable holding this woman in his arms and he wanted to possess her once again. He also felt the countering emotions of pain and hurt at her disrespect and disloyalty to him and their marriage. The feelings were old and faded and they no longer bit at his heart as they once did, but he could not deny the fact that they were still there.

One side of him wanted to take her and shake her and insist that she tell him every detail of her infidelity. He wanted her to relive every moment and explain to him the why of what she did and the feelings that she had had while she was doing them.

Despite his intense desire to know all, he realized that more knowledge than what he already had would be even more painful. He did not need to add to his quiver of arrows representing each one of her indiscretions. He knew he had enough ammunition in it to use to hurt her at any time. If there was to be any future in their relationship, he had to remember what his counselor had told him and detach from that time period in their lives.

Ray was aware of a lot more about Kari's recovery than she knew. Melody had been his source of information about her climb from the pit that she had dug for herself. She dropped little hints and facts whenever she thought it was appropriate. He appreciated her for keeping him informed without his having to ask.

Over time, he found himself becoming proud of his ex-wife for her successes in her career and in her recovery. He sometimes considered contacting her to see for himself how she was doing. There were also several instances when he found himself tempted to retrieve the DVDs from his safe and view them once again. He wanted to see if they would affect him as they had when he saw them for the first time.

After talking to Vincent, who recommended destroying them, he realized that reliving those events would only serve to reopen the deep wounds that he had worked to heal. Based on that, he never followed through on his urges.

He never did take Vincent's advice to get rid of them but he did take his advice to seek counseling to help him move on with his life. After six months of twice a week sessions with a marriage counselor, he came to realize that he could go on hating her for what she had done to him or he could choose to detach from her and allow himself to grow without her.

He chose the latter and he was content with his choice to stop feeling sorry for himself and to live in the day. It was nearly a year after her leaving that Melody confided in him that her mother was trying to straighten out her own life.

Gently pushing Kari away from him so he could see her face, he looked at her and said, "I don't know if I should do what I'm about to do, but I know that my heart wants me to do it even if my brain says no."

Kari looked at him with trepidation and said, "What do you mean?"

"Let's see how this shindig goes tomorrow and maybe we can work something out between us. I don't know if anything will ever come of it but at least we can be friends for the sake of Brian and Melody. What do you say? Will you consider it?"

She was blushing and her fingernails were digging into his biceps but he did not care. He saw in her face someone he knew a long time ago. He also saw something else in her eyes, a new understanding of life that she had developed over the last two years.

He was surprised when he felt the spark of his former love for her still smoldering in his heart. He wanted to fan the ember into flame but he held back with the fear that they were doomed and that it may not work.

He searched his mind for the hate and resentment that he had once felt. He knew, if he dug deep enough, he could still find it. It was still there but it was too deep to bubble through the long suppressed, yet familiar, emotions that he was feeling. Their bodies were touching and he was not sure if she could feel his heart beating. She smiled at him and leaned in to kiss him when the door burst open and Melody charged in carrying a pizza box and leaving the door open behind her.

"Hey, you two, get a room! Don't drop the soda, jerk," she yelled over her shoulder at Brian and turning back to her parents, she laughed at her own humor. "Soda Jerk, get it?"

Ray and Kari pulled apart like two teenagers caught kissing goodnight on the porch. Turning they watched as Brian came through the door and stopped with his mouth open.

"Mom?" he asked in amazement. "Mom? You're here?"

Kari took a few steps towards him and met him in the living room with her arms outstretched. An instant before he took her into his arms, he looked at his father as if asking for permission to touch this woman who had destroyed their family.
Ray smiled and nodded.

Brian was holding two, two-liter bottles of soda and he kept them in his hands as mother and son embraced each other. Ray found Melody at his side with her arm around his waist.

"I love you, dad," she said and squeezed him. "You're the best."

Ray squeezed her back and raised his hand to wipe the tears forming in his eyes.

"Let's eat!" Melody broke the spell by noisily moving a chair away from the table. "I'm starving. Brian, get some glasses."

Brian released Kari and as he passed his father on the way to the kitchen he looked at him and said, "Thanks, dad."

Folding the top under the pizza box so it would fit on the table, Melody busied herself while Kari found the napkins and helped set the table. Ray stood back and watched them get everything ready. Melody never stopped talking about the traffic, the crowd at the pizza shop and the trouble she had finding Brian.

Kari leaned over the table to set the salt and pepper down and once again, her V-string appeared above the waist of her Capris. This time, Melody caught him looking.

"You dirty old man, you," she giggled. "I saw you perving mom. Now get your mind off of her butt so we can eat."

Ray felt himself blush when Kari turned around to see what was going on behind her. Not understanding, she looked from one to the other and getting no help, she sat down at the table.

Sitting across the table from Ray, Kari studied him as he laughed and joked with the kids. She did not feel quite enough at ease to do too much teasing. She made herself hold back but she felt comfortable enough to genuinely laugh along with them as they ragged on each other.

"Did you hear that Brian struck out three times in his last game? He can't keep his eye on the ball while he's looking up Madison's skirt in the bleachers."

"Who's Madison?" Kari asked.

"Just some teeny-bopper that follows him around like a puppy dog in heat. She's going to nursing school and they won't let Brian go with her to take care of her. Will they Brian?"

"I don't want to go with her. She's a nice girl and stop making fun of her."

"Sounds serious," Kari commented.

"Every time I see them they've got their lips stuck together like they've licked super glue."

"OK, OK, you two," Ray said. "Wrap up the leftover pieces and put them in the refrigerator. I'm going to sit out on the patio with your mother for a while."

"I'm glad you came," he said after they were seated outside. "Brian is very happy that you're here."

"It looks like it's working out OK," she sighed. "I was frightened of coming, but I knew I had to face you and the children sooner or later and I figured sooner was better. I don't know what I would have done if you had rejected me."

"I have a feeling you would have been OK. You're different. You seem more confident and stronger somehow. Texas has been good to you?"

"Yes, Texas has been good to me but so has my recovery program and my sponsor and my friends. I've learned a lot over the last two years."

"It has been almost two years, hasn't it? It seems longer than that to me."

"I agree with what you said before. I hope we can remain friends and I want us to be able to talk about our children even if there is no future for us together."

"Yes, of course, definitely. I'm glad you're willing to give it a try. I want to start some kind of relationship with you. I don't know where it will go but I don't want to throw away our good years."

"Thank you," she whispered and standing she leaned down and kissed his forehead. "I'd better be going. What time do you want me here tomorrow?"

"Uh, anytime you want, I guess," and got up with her. "We have to be at the ball field by noon but you can come early and ride in with us if you want."

"That would be nice," she replied. "I'll be here by eleven. Is that OK?"

"That's fine," he replied and followed her into the kitchen.

"I'm leaving now," she said to Brian and Melody. "I'll see you tomorrow morning. Thank you and I love you both."

Embracing Brian, she kissed him on the cheek and told him how proud she was of him before moving to Melody and hugging her.

"Thank you," she whispered into her ear. "You're a very special person."

"That's because I'm my mother's daughter. Why don't you stay," Melody whispered back. "Dad's got a king-sized bed you know."

"Melody!" she exclaimed and pulled away. "Stop that, you're embarrassing me. Good night."

"I'll walk you to your car," Ray said and followed her to the door.

Melody called after them sarcastically, "Sure, Dad. You do that. She might get lost between the front door and the driveway. Don't let her get away."

"I'll see you tomorrow," Ray said as they stood in the open door of Kari's SUV. "Mom and Dad will be glad to see you."

"Let's not go that far," she cautioned him. "My father is barely talking to me after two years so I'm not sure yours will be all forgiving."

"They don't really know what happened," he assured her. "I never told them everything. I just told them that we had problems and you were going to take some time to work out your side of things. They are not in the best of health and sometimes I wonder if they know what day it is. They probably don't even remember that we're divorced. Just play it by ear with them, OK?"

Kari was unsure if she should try and kiss him goody-bye or to not. He helped her up into the driver's seat and looked into her eyes. Holding her hand for a moment, he covered it with his other one and clasping it between his palms, gave it a little squeeze.

"See you tomorrow morning," he said and closed the door for her.

Kari drove carefully through the traffic on the way back to her hotel. She was glad that her visit went well but she was afraid to read too much into Ray's acceptance of her. She was prepared to answer all of his questions about why she did what she did but he had not asked any. He seemed to accept everything she said at face value. She was not sure if he was willing to forgive her for what she had done to them.

"Well, maybe not forgive," she reminded herself. "He reminded me that he might not be able to forgive me. But, he also said he was willing to start from tonight and not go back and resurrect the old Karen."

She stopped at a traffic light and realized that she did not know where she was. She had been driving on automatic for the last fifteen minutes. Looking around she reoriented herself and waited for the light to change.

"That's all well and good," she said aloud. "What happens when something triggers a memory that he can't handle? I don't want to be placed in the position of hurting him or me or the children because of something I did in the past that I can't change."

Ray's ringtone sounded just as Kari pulled up in front of the hotel.

Thinking it was Melody calling, she jokingly answered it with, "Isn't it time for you to be in bed, young lady?"

"No, I'm a big boy now," Ray's laughing voice came through to her ear. "I get to use my phone now and then even when Melody's around."

"Oh, Ray. I'm sorry. I thought it was Melody. Hold on, I'm at the hotel and the valet wants my car."

He could hear her talking to someone and then her voice came back on the phone.

"Ray?" she said.

"Look, call me when you get up to your room. OK?"

"OK, I'll talk to you in a few minutes."

Kari headed for the bathroom as soon as she got back to her room. She started undressing while sitting on the toilet and by the time she finished peeing, she was down to her camisole. She felt a little surge of pleasure when she wiped herself and she lingered there for a few seconds. She was surprised that she had become aroused when Ray held her but she could not deny the moisture she was producing.

Still wearing her shoes, because of her phobia about walking around barefoot on hotel carpets, she stripped off her top and turned out all of the lights in the room. Standing at the window, she looked out at the river and the lights below. Using her cell phone, she called the number that she used to know as her own and waited for an answer. Ray answered on the third ring and told her that he had just come out of the shower.

"The reason that I'm calling is to ask you to come back early tomorrow morning and have breakfast with us. Melody and I can cook up a pretty decent breakfast and we'd, I mean I, would love to have you join us."

Kari's heart lurched a little and she did not hesitate in her response, "I'd love to. What time do you want me there?"

"You can come at seven if you want but I doubt if Melody and Brian will be awake by then. Anytime after seven will be great. The earlier the better, OK?"

"Yes, that will be fine. Uh, Ray, I really enjoyed my evening with you and the kids and thank you for letting me talk to you and get all of those things off of my chest."

"We enjoyed seeing you again and I have to admit that I wasn't sure how I was going to react, but I'm glad you came."

"Thanks, me too."

"Can you see the river from your room," he asked to change the subject.

"Yes, I'm looking at it as I'm talking to you. It is beautiful at night. The lights make it look like a fairyland."

"Well, I better let you go and get some sleep. See you early tomorrow. Goodnight. Sleep well."

Kari heard the pause in Ray's voice after he said goodnight and she half expected him to follow it with "I love you." She realized how much the whole evening had affected her and put her into a romantic mood that neither of them were ready for at this time.

"Goodnight, I will," she said softly and closed the phone.

Kari stood silently at the window for a moment before raising her eyes to the black sky.

"Thank you, God," she prayed and opening her phone again, she pressed the Speed Dial for her sponsor.

Chapter 59

Kari carried a change of clothes to wear to the graduation when she went to breakfast at Ray's on Saturday morning. She wore her fuchsia Capris and the matching cowl-neck top with the loose waist that revealed her belly and lower back when she moved. She thought the low-waist style showed off her body and she wanted to look a little sexy for Ray this morning. Instead of heels she wore dressy flat-heeled sandals that flattered her feet.

It was a little before eight when she rang the bell to her former home.

"Wow! You look great!" he gushed when he opened the door and stood staring at her.

She started to blush and her face and neck almost turned the color of her outfit as his eyes traveled up and down her body.

"May I come in?" she asked in a kidding voice.

"Uh, sure. I'm sorry. I was just looking … I mean I was just admire … please come in."

There was an awkward silence after he closed the door and stood staring at her. He looked like he was carrying on an internal debate about whether or not to kiss her when she broke the silence.

"Where can I hang these?" she asked. "I thought I'd freshen up and change before we leave for the ceremony."

"Here, mom, I'll take them," Melody said appearing from behind her father. "Go on out into the kitchen. The coffees ready. You look fantastic!"

"Thanks," Kari responded and kissed Melody on the cheek.

Melody carried the clothes and the little bag of what she figured was her mother's makeup and shoes up the stairs. Turning at the top of the stairs she first moved towards the guest room before changing direction and carried everything into the master bedroom. Hanging the garments onto the back of the closet door, she placed the bag on the bed. Pleased with herself at what she had done, she smiled and went back downstairs.

Ray and Kari were already sitting on the patio having coffee when she entered the kitchen. She heard the toaster pop up and the top of a bagel appeared.

"Do you want peanut butter on your bagel?" she called to her mother.

"Yes, thank you, you remembered," Kari responded.

Melody spread peanut butter on the halves of the bagel and pouring herself another cup of coffee she carried them out to join her father and his ex-wife at the table.

"We're almost like a family again," she thought as she pulled up a chair and sat down across from them.

Brian appeared bare-chested in his sleep shorts and pouring himself a cup of coffee, he joined them on the patio.

"Mornin'," he mumbled and leaned over to kiss his mother. "What's everybody doing up so early?"

"It's not early, Soda Jerk, it's late," Melody teased. "You're graduating today, remember?"

Kari watched and listened as they bantered with each other as only siblings can. She looked over and blushed when she saw Ray watching her with a little smile on his face.

"Finish your breakfast and get ready to go to work," he ordered the children. "We have a lot to do before we leave for the school. I want to have everything set up and ready so when the guests arrive we look like we know what we're doing around here."

"What can I do to help?" Kari asked as she rose from the table and collected the cups and dishes.

"The rented folding tables and chairs are out in the garage. As soon as Brian gets his body moving, he can help me carry them in and set them up. There is a sliced ham and luncheon meats in the garage refrigerator and Melody has all the stuff to make salads and dip. I have to make a beer and soft drink run but the rest will be just setting the tables and stuff like that."

Ray watched as Kari went into the kitchen and put the dishes in the sink. She opened the drawer where the aprons were stored and pulled out a pink apron that had "Best Mom" embroidered on it. Holding it up for inspection, she hesitated and started to fold it to return it to the drawer.

"Put it on, it's OK," Ray said in a quiet voice. "The kids will like to see you wearing it."

"Thanks," she replied and he could see her eyes well up as she slipped it over her neck and tied it around her waist.

"Everything is where it was before you left," he said with a catch in his voice. "Just like the apron drawer. Don't wait for me to tell you what to do. Treat it like your own home."

She detected a little tremor in his voice but he opened the door to the laundry room and disappeared into the garage before she could reply.

"Don't start reading anything into anything," she admonished herself. "Everybody's on new ground here and emotions are a little high, so cool it."

The rest of the morning went by quickly and they soon had all of the food prepared and covered and ready to be put out onto the tables. Ray had not returned from his beer and soda run and Melody and Kari sat down to wait for him to return.

"I'm so glad you're here," Melody said. "I know Brian appreciates it and dad is glad you came. I can tell."

"Thanks, but I have to be careful," Kari replied. "I don't want to give anyone the impression that something will come from this. I don't want to be disappointed and I don't want to hurt your father again."

"I know but I wish it were not like that. I can see dad watching you and I wish I could read his mind. I don't want to push him or you into anything and screw things up."

"There may not be anything to screw up," Kari responded. "I don't know if it is possible to ever go beyond being friendly enough to cooperate with raising you two. In the next few years you'll be out on your own."

"I'm already out on my own except for paying my tuition of course. The scholarship dad got me helps a lot but I know that he was paying for the balance of it until you offered to do it. Dad makes a lot of money now, a lot more than he used to when he was teaching. He has a super reputation around here and in other parts of the country too. He's talking about going out and forming a new company on his own."

"I know," Kari told her. "I've tried to keep up with what he's doing and besides the things that you tell me, I read a lot about him. I still keep in touch with Adele."

"I think she's coming tomorrow and I think Mr. Flannery and his wife are coming too."

"Why would they be coming? Who invited them?"

"I guess dad did. I don't know. Why? What's wrong?"

"I didn't realize that your father stayed in touch with any of those people."

"Sure he does. I think dad and Mr. Flannery have some kind of business arrangement. I don't know, ask him."

A car horn sounded and they both got up to help Ray carry the beverages into the garage. Working together, they distributed them and the ice into several coolers around the house.

"There's one more thing we have to do before we leave," Ray reminded Melody. "Brian has to be there early so he's riding in with a friend of his. As soon as he's gone we'll hang the banner across the garage. OK?"

"Well, what do you think?" Brian's voice sounded from the top of the stairs.

They watched as he paraded down the stairs dressed in his cap and gown and waving like a beauty queen in a parade.

"Oh, honey, you look great," Kari said and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so proud of you."

"Me, too," Melody admitted with phony exasperation. "You look all grown up, bro."

Ray stepped forward and all three of them gave him a group hug causing his cap to fall off.

"OK, OK, you guys," he said. "That's enough. Don't bend my cap and wrinkle my gown. I'd better get going before everybody starts crying. Kevin just called and they're on their way."

"Wait, wait. I want to get a photo," Melody pleaded. "Wait a minute."

Trooping out into the front yard, they took turns posing with him and when Kevin pulled up they got him to take a photo of all of them together.

"Is it all right if I take a shower?" Kari asked after the boys left.

"Sure, you don't have to ask," Ray responded. "Melody and I will hang the banner while you shower and change. Go ahead."

It did not take long to get the banner draped across the front of the garage and standing back they congratulated each other on their handiwork. Melody gathered the tools while Ray folded the ladder and put everything back into the garage. Standing outside the garage door, he watched to make sure the banner did not get caught as the door closed.

He felt his chest tighten when the door came down and revealed the window that had been replaced after the episode with Karen and Montrell. The trim on the replacement window did not quite match the rest of the door, but he had never changed it. Every time he noticed it, he relived the vision of her making out with Montrell in the garage. Shaking his head to clear it, he walked into the house and up the stairs to get ready to go to the ceremony.

Ray opened the door to the master bedroom and walked inside at exactly the same time that Kari walked out of the bathroom door drying her hair with a towel. Ray held the door and silently watched as she bent forward and wrapped the towel around her hair, as only women know how to do.

She looked breathtaking to him and he admired her slim, toned body. The tan lines around her breasts and crotch indicated she sunned wearing a bikini. When she bent forward, her breasts swayed gently and he felt the beginning twinges of arousal. He was surprised to see that she was either waxed or she shaved her pubes and he could see her sexily plump, protruding lips.

His mind transformed her movements into slow motion and his eyes took in every detail of her body as she finished wrapping the towel and stood up. Her mouth opened in a gasp and her eyes widened when she caught sight of him standing in front of her. She reflexively crossed one arm in front of her to cover her breasts while cupping her pussy with the other.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were in this bedroom," he stuttered. "I'm sorry."

"That's OK. It's not like you haven't seen it all before," she smiled and after a second's hesitation she lowered her arms to her sides and stood, almost defiantly, looking back at him.

"You look more beautiful than the day we were married," he whispered and reaching behind him he grasped the door handle and opening the door part way, he slid out without taking his eyes off of her.
Melody came out of her bedroom and looking across the hall at him, she said, "Mom's in there."

"I just found that out," he replied and turning his body away from her, he walked awkwardly past her and down the stairs.

Melody saw his red face and noted his erection pushing out the front of his shorts. She grinned as she followed him down the stairs.

He busied himself with make work while he waited for Kari to finish getting dressed and come downstairs. He checked his watch for the tenth time just as he heard her calling him.

"Ray," she called from the top of the stairs.

"Yes," he replied and walking over he looked up at her.

She was wearing a pale yellow, cotton dress with a narrow halter holding up the top. Even from below her, he could see the beginning of her cleavage as she leaned on the banister.

"I'm finished in there. I'll put on my makeup in the guest room. OK?"

"Sure," he responded and walked up the stairs towards her. As his head cleared the landing he could see that she was barefoot and was wearing a toe ring on the index toe of her left foot.

"Is this too daring?" she asked indicating the neckline of her dress. "Is it too low in back?"

Turning she showed him her bare back covered only by a strap going across her shoulder blades.

Another image of her standing in front of a mirror with a gold chain holding the two sides of her dress together danced before his eyes. Shuddering, he shook his head and willed it to go away.

"I have a jacket that I'll wear if it's not too hot."

"No," Ray forced the word out of his suddenly dry mouth. "No, you look fine. Very nice."

"Thanks," she said over her shoulder as she padded down the hall to the guest bedroom.

Kari was already down stairs when Ray came down dressed in a pair of light slacks and an open-necked, short-sleeved shirt. He stood behind the sliding screen and watcher her and Melody standing on the patio talking to each other. It was easy to tell that they were mother and daughter and a stranger might even think they could be sisters.

Melody was wearing Capri pants and a camisole top with flip-flops on her feet. Kari had added high-heeled sandals to her outfit and the heels made her legs look fantastic. He could not detect any makeup or jewelry on Melody but Kari wore earrings and a gold chain with a little heart hanging from it. Her face had a glow to it that he had not seen before.

She turned when she heard the screen slide back, "Hey, you look pretty handsome for an old man."

"I try," he laughed in reply. "If I didn't know you two I wouldn't be able to tell which one is the mother."

Kari actually felt herself blush at his comment. She could not figure out why everything he said impacted her so deeply but she knew it had to do something with getting his approval. She felt that she needed that to validate her new image.

"Y'all ready?" he asked and getting his keys from the hook near the garage door, he watched as they gathered their purses and Kari picked up her jacket.

"Let's go," Melody said. "It's not too hot so maybe it won't be so bad out there."

The passenger side seat and floor of Melody's car were covered with books and papers but she insisted on driving. They climbed into the small back seat and fumbled with the seat belts.

"I can't get this thing on so drive carefully, the life you save may be mine," Kari said and they laughed as Melody bounced over the speed bump causing Ray's head to hit the roof of the car.

"Take it easy," he said and rubbed his head.

Kari reached over and ran her fingers over the spot where he hit his head.

"It feels OK," she said she but did not remove her hand for a half-a-minute.

Ray enjoyed her touch and slouching down as far as his knees against the front seats would allow, he tilted his head towards her.

"Am I bleeding?" he asked.

"No, just a little red spot. If you had more hair it wouldn't have made such a dent," she said jokingly.

"Yeah," he replied. "I know. You don't have to remind me."

For an instant, Kari regretted joking with him and she watched carefully to see if he took offense and was relieved to see that he did not. She was still feeling her way around him and she did not want to say anything that would upset him.

Melody chimed in, "You should be proud, dad. You know what they say. When men are born, God gives each of you the same amount of testosterone and some guys use it for growing hair."

Amidst the laughter, Ray reached up and gently swatted the back of her head.

"Watch where you're going and learn to respect your father," he said.

Kari was still laughing so hard she had to get a tissue out of her purse to dab at her eyes. Tucking the tissue back into her purse she reached over and placed her hand on Ray's forearm without thinking.

"That was funny. I never heard that one before."

They both looked down at her hand and she was about to take it away when he placed his other hand over it and just held it there and looked back up at her. Their faces were only inches apart and, once again, Kari thought he was going to kiss her but at the last second he faced forward again.

"Take the next left and we can park in the side lot of the school," he told Melody. "That way we won't have to walk very far."

After parking the car, Melody and Ray got out and Ray waited as Kari slid across the seat towards the door he was holding for him. He watched as her dress pulled up around her thighs. When she put one foot on the ground she realized that he could see up her skirt. She almost pulled it down but decided to let him look and she caught his eyes when she looked up at him.

"Yellow is nice," he said in an obvious reference to her panties and taking her hand he helped her out of the car.

"I shouldn't have worn heels," Kari remarked as they walked over the gravel path leading to the bleachers on the football and track field. "I'm going to break an ankle."

"Here, hold onto my arm," Ray said and moved closer to her so she could link arms with him.

"Thanks," she looked at him with a smile.

He stayed next to her as they walked up the steps of the bleachers near the center of the field. Melody was visiting with friends and nowhere in sight when a woman's voice stopped them.

"Karen? Karen Royals? Is that you?"

Kari and Ray stopped as a large-sized woman stumbled over the feet of seated spectators to reach the aisle.

"Karen, it's so good to see you. I didn't expect to see you here?"

"Why not?" Kari asked defiantly. "My son is graduating today."

"No, I'm sorry, I mean, that's not what I meant. Well it's good to see you again."

Kari held on to Ray's hand as he turned and continued up the steps.

"Who was that," Ray asked when they found three seats together.

"Lorraine Belmont. She's a big mouth who thought I didn't deserve to be the Vice-president of the PTO. She thought her daughter was Miss Princess until she got herself arrested for dealing pot. Don't you remember?"

"I remember the incident but I don't remember her."

"I'm sure rumors about you and I will start circulating. She's probably on her cell phone right now, stirring up something. Oh, well, I don't care. I'm happy to be here."

"I'm happy you came," Ray responded and squeezed her hand.

The speeches were mercifully short and the 300 plus students received their diplomas in record time. Ray put his arm around Kari's shoulders and held her close to him when they called Brian's name. They looked at each other's tear-streaked faces and burst out laughing at their mutually emotional display.

There were more tears and cheers when Brian received a baseball scholarship to Texas State University.

"I knew they had scouts at the games and TSU and another college interviewed us but I didn't know he got a ride," Ray gushed. "Wow, I can't believe it."

As soon as the graduate's hats went into the air, they hurried down the bleacher steps to find Brian. They spotted him in the sea of gowns with his arms around a girl.

"That must be Madison," Kari commented as they approached the couple.

"Congratulations," they said in unison and gave him a hug.

"Uh, thanks," he responded. "Uh, mom and dad, this is Madison. Oh, you know her already, dad, I forgot. Anyway, mom this is Madison."

Madison seemed stunned for a minute as she looked back and forth at Ray and Kari. Kari noticed that when they shook hands, Madison glanced at her finger to see if she was wearing a ring. She obviously knew that they were divorced and was wondering what was happening.

"Nice to meet you, I'm visiting from Texas," Kari said by way of an explanation.

"Nice to meet you too," Madison responded. "Brian's told me a lot about you. There's my parents. I'll see you later."

"Did you know about the TSU scholarship?" Ray asked Brian.

"Yeah, but I didn't want to tell you. I wanted it to be a surprise. Are you OK with it?"

"I'm more than OK. I'm, I mean we're, very proud of you."

Kari looked at Ray and smiled at his inclusion of her in his comment.

Holding Brian's face between her palms, she kissed him and said, "My little baby's all grown up."

Brian blushed at her public display of affection and pulled away.

"Aw, mom," he said but inside, he was happy that she was there.

"We'll see you in a little while," Ray said to him and taking Kari's hand, they walked back towards the car.

They did not see Melody following along behind them while pointing at them and whispering to her girlfriends. They only realized that she was near when the locks popped open and the lights flashed as they approached her car.

"Now, isn't that sweet," she joked. "Two lovebirds."

"It's hard walking in these shoes," Kari explained, still holding onto Ray's hand.

"Sure, mom, sure," Melody sarcastically agreed.

Ray watched once again as Kari thighs were exposed when she maneuvered herself into the back seat of the car. Pausing for a moment, she looked at him and smiled before sliding across the seat and making no move to pull her skirt down.

"Did you guys know that Brian was getting a scholarship?" Melody asked on the way home. "It was a surprise to me."

"It was a surprise to us too," Ray answered. "He's worked hard and he deserves it. I don't know about him going all the way to Texas though."

"It's only a couple of hours from me," Kari said. "He could visit on weekends if he wanted and you're welcome too."

"It's a little too far for a weekend visit for me but maybe we can work something out."

The party went well and everyone appeared to have a good time. Ray and Kari drew more attention than the graduate. There was much whispering and conjecturing as to the state of their relationship and at times they seemed to be the main topic of conversation.

The grandparents were there and, true to Ray's word, his parents did not seem to remember that their son and former daughter-in-law were divorced. Kari, acting as the hostess, took care of everybody and everything as if she had not been gone for two years. She took over and made sure everything ran smoothly.

It was awkward when Mike and Donna arrived but as they shared what had been happening for the last several years it became easier. The hardest part was for them to remember to call her Kari but she told them it did not matter what they called her. Adele was happy to see her and she brought along a guy who she had been dating for a while. Kari was happy that she had found someone and they seemed to be in love.

Donna managed to catch Ray outside on the patio with no one else around and asked him what the deal was with him and Kari.

"She is just here helping with the party. Nothing beyond that."

"Yeah, sure," Donna said sarcastically. "You know we could have been good together but I don't think there's a chance now."

"You're right. There is no chance. Enjoy the party."

There was one moment when Kari almost lost it. She went out into the garage to get some more soda and remembered the last party she had attended there and what she had done in that very same spot. She froze when the door closed behind her and the images came back into her head like a slow motion movie. She could almost taste Montrell's kiss and for an instant, she thought she was going to throw up.

Guilt and remorse filled her with shame and she fight against the tears. Gathering herself, she swallowed the bile that filled her throat. After finding what she needed, she went back into the kitchen to continue with the party. Ray was standing at the door when she opened it and he reached to take the case of soda out of her hands.

"What's wrong?" he asked with concern. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I did," she confessed. "The last time I was in that garage was at Melody's party and I was not alone. I'm scared."

"Of what?" he asked and putting the soda down on an ice chest, he led her into the den and closed the door behind them. "Of what?"

"I haven't thought of that day in years and when I remembered what I had done, I almost threw up out there."

Wrapping his arms around her he said, "It's all in the past," he consoled her. "Let's work on forgetting all of that, OK?"

"I'm trying, oh God, I'm trying," she said with a break in her voice. "Please don't hate me, please."

"I don't hate you. In fact, I'm having a problem keeping my hands off of you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."

"Sorry? For what?" she looked up at him and smiled. "Don't let me stop you from doing whatever you want to do with your hands."

Ray looked into her eyes for a moment before lowering them to her lips and then back up to hers. She smiled and closing her eyes, she moistened her lips and leaning forward, she offered them to him. Accepting her offer, he gently touched her lips with his and pulled back a little to confirm her consent. She opened her eyes and a little smile curled the edges of her mouth. Once again, she closed her eyes and they kissed with a little more intensity.

It was if they had silently agreed to test the waters, or their lips as it was, to see if it was pleasurable to each other. It only took a few seconds for them to reach the same conclusion and their lips softened and opened to share their pleasure. Her tongue tentatively searched out his and he responded with his own, as they tasted each other's essence.

Kari pursed her lips and drew Ray's tongue into her mouth with a sucking sound while he dropped his arms and grasped her waist with both hands. She helped him by moving against his groin where she could feel him hardening down his leg. Reluctant to break the kiss, they were gasping for air through their noses when the door opened and Melody stood there with her hands on her hips.

"I can't let you two alone for a minute, can I?" she jokingly accused them. "There are people out here wondering where you are and I find you in here making out like two teenagers playing two-minutes-in-heaven. Get yourself together and come back to your guests."

Ray and Kari stood there looking at her with guilty faces until she turned and started back out of the room.

"Never mind, take your time. I'll cover for you," she said over her shoulder and closed the door behind her.

Ray and Kari burst into laughter at what had happened. Ray rained kisses all over her face and then their lips were again pressed against each other's. They continued the kiss, much less passionately than before, while their minds came to terms with what they were doing.

"Well!" Ray finally exclaimed with his lips only a breath away from Kari's. "I guess my hands are welcome."

"Anytime, my love, anytime."

"Melody's right, we'd better get back out there. People will talk."

"Let them," she said. "Let them talk as much as they want."

Brian left with some friends at about six o'clock and the rest of the guests started leaving soon after that. Melody volunteered to take Kari's father home and Ray's parents drove themselves. The final guests were leaving and Ray and Kari stood on the porch with their arms around each other's waists as they waved goodbye. It seemed natural for them to turn towards each other and enjoy a warm kiss, congratulating each other for a successful day.

"Thank you," Ray said. "I couldn't have done it without you. I'm so glad you came."

"I think you would have managed but thanks anyway. I'm glad I came too. Now for the clean up."

Kari's heart was doing flip-flops as they turned and walked, hand-in-hand, back into the house. She never expected Ray to react to her the way that he had. She was very near losing control and spilling tears of gratitude.

"Wait a minute," she said and holding onto Ray's arm, she took off her shoes. "My feet are hurting."

Once inside they fell into the routine of straightening up the house as if they had never had a break in their relationship. They were almost finished putting the last of the dishes away when Melody returned and informed them that she was going to take a shower and go right back out with some friends.

"You'll have the house to yourselves," she said with a grin. "I won't be back until after midnight."

Ray and Kari were sitting on the patio when Melody came down to tell them she was leaving.

"It's so nice seeing you sitting there," she commented with tears in her eyes. "I love you both and I so want us to be a family again."

"Thanks, honey. Goodnight. Don't stay out too late, OK?"

"I won't, daddy. Goodnight, mom."

They sat quietly for a few minutes before Ray got the courage to speak.

"Kari, I think we'd better talk a little. Do you want to?"

Not sure exactly where he was going, Kari cautiously agreed, "OK."

"I can't deny the fact that I have feelings for you that I did not realize that I still had," he said. "I'm actually surprised with myself and I don't know where we go from here. I'm anxious to pursue some kind of relationship. At the same time I'm afraid that it may not develop the way that I want it to or at least the way that I think I want it to. I'm not at all sure how you see us and I don't want to do or say anything that might offend you or give you any false hope. I guess I'm confused about what I want."

Still not sure what he was trying to say, Kari responded, "I see."

"I mean that, I'm afraid that after this initial surge of emotion that I have been feeling for the last two days quiets down, my craziness will return. I'm afraid I will destroy whatever hope we may have for the future."

"Craziness?" she questioned.

"Yes, craziness. That's the only way that I can describe what I went through after you left and I found the videos. I wanted to hurt you and your lovers in the worst way. I wanted to make you hurt like I was hurting. I wanted to make you feel what I was feeling. It took a long time and a lot of talking with a counselor to start to get my head on straight again."

"I didn't know you had counseling," she said. "I had no idea. I knew that you were hurt by my disrespect for you and for our marriage. I always figured that once I left, you would accept the fact that I had cheated on you and go on with your life.

All I can say is I'm sorry and I agree with you that I don't want us to do anything that will jeopardize the new relationship that we have. It is already more than I ever hoped and prayed that it could be. I'm grateful to you for your kindness and as much as I would like it to develop into something else, I'm also afraid."

Kari could hear the emotion in Ray's voice as he said, "When I walked in on you when you came out of the shower I fell in love all over again. I can't tell you how beautiful you are to me. Beautiful, not only in appearance but also beautiful in the changes that you have made within yourself. You are a different person than I remember and I like the new person you've become."

Kari blushed and could only say, "Thank you."
"When you covered yourself I realized that you felt that I was intruding on you and I was embarrassed for you and for me. When you dropped your hands and showed yourself to me, I wanted to possess you like I have never wanted to before. I wanted you in the most desperate way. If you had taken one step towards me or even held out your hand to me, I would have had you on that bed in a second. I don't think I could have controlled myself."

"If I had known that, I would have taken more than just one step," she laughed. "Ray, I still love you. I have never stopped loving you and what we had. I remember the best of our times and I regret the bad times but they have not reduced my love for you. In fact, I believe that as I grow and recover my love for you grows too."

Rising from her chair she stepped over to him and bending down, she kissed him on the forehead.

"I'm going to go up and get my clothes and go back to my hotel. I think that we should sleep on what we have and not force anything until we each are sure of where we are. OK?"

Kari was collecting her clothes and cosmetics when Ray walked into the bedroom. She acknowledge him with a smile and he watched silently as she slipped her feet into her sandals and picked her bag up off of the bed.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said and leaning towards him offered her lips for a kiss.

They kissed with only their lips touching as if they were afraid that if their bodies made contact they would never make it out of the bedroom. Stepping aside, Ray let her go past him and he followed her down the steps.

"Goodnight," she said at the door and kissed him on the cheek before going down the sidewalk to her car.

Ray stood watching her SUV until it disappeared down the street.