This contribution of mine is an attempt by me to raise some of the very important issues raised by many of the Loving Wives tales. Before I discuss more general areas, it is appropriate that I place before you details of my own martial situation that have motivated me to comment on these issues.

When I decided to marry my wife it was because of my unconditional love for her and my need to live with someone who would be my best friend and lover. I had absolutely no intention of ever considering having extramarital relationships. There was no need as I had everything in Jennifer I could possibly want. I believe that she also felt the same way about me. Prior to our marriage we were affectionate and loving towards one another.

However, from the moment we were officially "hitched" a new agenda came into effect, one which if had I known about before the wedding would have generated significant heated discussion. I do not feel that my wife was ever completely comfortable about her sexuality. I think that she saw physical intimacy as a side issue in a "normal" marriage and wasn't an integral dimension. From early on it began to become increasingly clear that my wife and I had conflicting views on the role and expression of physical intimacy. She never took the initiative in our sexual relations. They occurred rarely invariably after I openly expressed a desire to play. My wife ultimately controlled the frequency of our physical contacts and the form in which they took. Over time this insidious control was used to "regulate" my own sexual needs. I remember suggesting during one of our numerous arguments about the matter that were had virtually become friends without benefits - with a relationship that was more like brother-sister.

I remember going to sleep sobbing many a night after I had been rejected for the umpteenth time by wife. Masturbation was the only release available to me - the problem was that each time I jerked off, the act itself reminded me of my isolation from my wife and generated a great deal of anger and frustration. True there were the very occasional mercy fucks, but outside of the times we conceived our two children, these became increasingly few and far between. Before too many years into our marriage, our physical intimacy dwindled to zero. This was most apparent following the birth of our second child. After so many rejections and excuses, I began to lose hope and no longer tried. I waited for wife to act or at least take some level of interest but my wait was in vain. I blame myself for not having enough insight and courage to tackle this problem head on, and should have insisted on marital counselling and/or separation/divorce.

Truth was I didn't want to get screwed in the family court, didn't want to have reduced contact with my kids, and lastly, I wasn't in the position of being able to finance two households. I also hoped that someday, when circumstances changed, my wife and I would rediscover the spark that drew us together in the first place. Eventually we made it to 25 years anniversary, but little or no change ever took place. A few years later she contracted cancer and after surgery and chemo lasted another three years with us. After her death I went through a couple of years of soul searching in order to come to terms with my marital experience.

I don't want to be manipulated, walked over or in any other way abused by others as they have done so in the past. If this means that I am destined to live a solitary lonely existence in order to hold on to my self-respect, it is a fate that I accept willingly. Throughout my time as an adult worker and as a husband I have willingly given my energy and time to others freely so that their lives will be the better because of my efforts. I ended up running down my psychic batteries to the point of breakdown. But enough is fucking enough. I am trying to dig deep in order to find the optimistic open and trusting person I once was, rather than the bitter old cunt that I have become. I do not honestly know where relationships with the female sex fit in if at all. A lot of women I have encountered have come across as self-centred, egotistical and superficial creatures with little to no thought of those around them. Their needs are the ones that must prevail and be met - those of others are subordinate. I know I shouldn't paint the entire sex with the same brush, but I can't honestly say that I have met many that have not been so motivated. I am fucking fed up with the sexual game playing that invariably goes on between the sexes. I have come to the conclusion that it is simply a waste of time becoming a player in that game. Maybe there are those women that are unselfish, caring and loving. It is my hope that someday before I kick I might actually meet one such lady.

It's true that I did seek some answers through websites, including Literotica, and especially their "Loving Wives" sub-genre.

Under "normal" circumstances in western developed societies of the twenty-first century one person does not legally own another. I am for the purposes of this review/essay not referring to Dominant/submissive relationships which may have formed between life partners. These types of relationships embody differentials in power and control between partners. My own personal view of these kinds of relationships is by their very definition the dominant partner has free unlimited licence to demean, humiliate and control their submissive partners. In so doing they reap the emotional, economic and physical rewards in imposing their rule over their subordinates. I am fully aware that there are some submissives partners that openly revel in the humiliating treatment dished out by their dominant superiors. I also understand that each partner within a relationship brings with them their own unique needs and wants, communication and interpersonal skills. Thus it is only natural to a point that each partner may contribute differently to what they bring to a relationship. The decision by partners to initiate a dominant and submissive operational model may well work for some folk. However when this model is raised and implemented by one party over the other during the duration of the relationship there is a valid question as to the voluntary acquiescence of the reluctant submissive partner.

Individuals should enter into relationships completely voluntary and with both eyes wide open. From my perspective, a marriage can no longer be seen as a business-oriented contract as has been traditionally the case in past millennia. A life partner is not a possession or chattel. Despite all the best intentions in the world at the beginning of a long term relationship, over time individuals grow, learn and mature. Rarely will they remain completely the same as they were at the onset of the relationship. One cannot expect a partner of twenty years to be completely the same person as they were when you first met them. Change throughout life is constant and exists in long-term relationships. Love between partners is the unconditional sharing of emotional and physical intimacy. Lust in comparison is the sharing only of physical intimacy. Is it possible for two partners to only lust for one another? Some would argue that the physical act itself forges a bond between participating partners. Is this bond love?

Dishonesty is the sure-fire relationship killer. It provides a medium by which one partner may establish and justify behaviours which would normally be termed under the heading cheating. Cheating is the intentional deception by one partner over the other. The question is whether cheating necessarily involves intimate behaviour only. One could argue that emotional "cheating" within a relationship can prove as devastating as a physical affair.

Another aspect of emotional and physical cheating is the application of double standards by authors which seem to indicate that this definition only applies to heterosexual adulterers. It would seem that from the paucity of Loving Wife stories that especially highlight female partners as the two adulterers appear to be granted a more lenient understanding and far less critical portrayal.

Dishonesty over time particularly if hidden and not confronted serves to erode and devalue communication and trust between partners. From my survey of the many contributed stories by the authors of the Loving Wives section, this dishonesty lies at the heart of many of their tales of relationship woes and catastrophes.

Commencing a long term relationship with a partner is like the two of you with very little nautical experience undertaking a circumnavigation of the world with the improbable hope that the two of you will endure the voyage until you arrive hale, hearty and still in love at your appointed destination wherever the hell that is. That was what it was like for myself and I dare say many others. Many marriages run aground from incremental neglect and poor communication and stewardship. Many marriages are ruined from within by mutiny of one partner over the other. In some instances there may be disagreement between partners as to the most appropriate course for the relationship.

Marriages and long term relationships are also to sea-going vessels in that they also require frequent maintenance and on-going repairs

I do not think that there is any significant training of teens and young adults into the intricacies of planning and maintaining long term relationships. Most of us have our parents, relatives and close acquaintances as passive role models of "successful" long term relationships as well as the much heralded star couples that are peddled by the various forms of media. As an aside comment it has become very noticeable in recent decades that even these "paragons" of successful marriage have been shown to be as equally problematic and are beset with the similar temptations and errors of judgement that ordinary citizens have to cope with. How are we then to learn to identify and overcome present and future obstacles to interpersonal relationships? How are we to develop skills in dealing with the possible crises that may well arise between partners? Sad to say that in almost all instances, we all seem to acquire knowledge and skills "on the run" using trial and error as our main process. It should come as no real surprise that marriages are failing at ever increasing rates certainly in developed countries (close to 50% in some cases. The real surprise is that the social and cultural mechanism of marriage still holds such a high degree of popularity. Something is surely out of whack here, and to my satisfaction has not been sufficiently understood or addressed by social commentators.

Many of the tales crafted by numerous authors for the "Loving Wives" genre of erotica go some way to highlight and explore these contradictory concepts. Love as with beauty appears to lie in the eye of the beholder. A wife's extramarital behaviour may be seen as cheating and betrayal of her long term partner. The same behaviour may also be viewed as the "natural" consequence of both partners agreeing to an open marriage. I guess it leads to the old phrase "love is a many splendid thing"

The "Burn the Bitch" sub-genre is one of the many popular story plot devices used. The evil partner is designated as the female spouse/girlfriend/mother-in-law who has unfairly visited humiliation (often public), financial and career ruin upon her submissive, partner who is very often oblivious to the undermining and subterfuge that has been carried out against them.

Sex/Intimacy as a blunt weapon and control mechanism where the dominant partner (most often female) uses access or non-access to her body. In so doing, the imposition of this strategy is to bring an erring partner into line. This is particularly effective when the subordinate partner is in love with the controlling shrew. I note that there are contributed stores which explore the sexless marriage. I suspect that as a strategy governing the intimacy aspect of interpersonal human relations has a pedigree throughout innumerable cultures and stretching over millennia. If the partner is genuinely in love with the controlling partner and there other mitigating factors such as children and access, the control of body access and intimate behaviour (pussy control) can be an extremely effective strategy. This is even more so if the subordinate partner does not relish confrontations with his more powerful mate, and where he has a strong belief in the need to protect his family from dissolution and resulting heartbreak.

Another equally prolithic sub-genre is that of cuckolding. By this it means that one partner, predominantly the female protagonist has willingly accepted the sexual favours of another man or men and the marriage partner is forced to accept the new alliances made. It is usual that in order to achieve the cuckold's acceptance of the new sexual order in the relationship, threats are often made explicitly that his non-acceptance will result in his public humiliation and divorce will invariably leave the hapless spouse financially and emotionally wrecked. His emasculation has begun. This is especially significant if there are children arising from the marriage relationship. God help the poor cuckold shmuck whose children find out about their male parent's predicament. Their responses usually result in general disgust with the cuckold or disgust at the dominant spouse and her actions.

Personally I find this sub-genre one of the most difficult to understand. As an attempt to put a more positive spin on this, some cuckolds who display non-aggressive behaviours are portrayed as weak impotent characters who will accept almost any humiliation just to keep the shell of a relationship together. One extreme dimension of this has the reluctant cuckold completely accepting of his now diminished role within the relationship and who actually assists his cheating partner in her sexual relationship with the infiltrator. In these tales we invariably are told that the cuckold finds erotic stimulation in preparing his partner for her erotic encounters some of which involving him in performing humiliating physical sexual acts for the benefit of his triumphant usurper.

For me one of the most illustrative of these demeaning acts is the oral cleaning of a cheating spouse's "creampie" that has been left by her lover's prior semen ejaculations. These acts are used to establish beliefs of the existence of the weak male compared with his more powerful adversary; a literal case of "rubbing one's nose in it" Some cuckolds apparently take enormous pleasure in this act, which only serves to cement their secondary, subservient-like role. Often some of these tales describe how the cuckolded partner recognises and accepts their inferior status. Options available to these men are extremely limited; either get with the program and fully accept their new inferior status; or totally reject the attempts by their wife and the infiltrator and pay heavily for their opposition. Further justification for such servile treatment of the marriage partner may be based upon his perceived anatomical short comings such as penis size (a very common excuse), and generally low sexual experience/skills. Over shortcomings may be the partner's capacity to provide financially for his family, or sometimes the perception of his spouse that the partner was a poor match for the female either intellectually and/or class status.

To be fair, some male partners may genuinely find the act of debasement a turn-on. Some may also enjoy vicarious participation when allowed to watch the sex acts between his wife and her lover. However it is significant to note that such passive participation comes from permission granted by his wife and her lover. Further humiliation may be applied when the passive observer allows himself to be physically restrained. For me, I find these plot themes the hardest to relate to. Masochism that is gaining pleasure from intentionally harming and humiliating others is a dimension of human sexuality that I have the most trouble emotionally reconciling. 'Wimp' partners are very rarely viewed in positive light, and by their perceived non-aggressive natures are "rightly" relegated to the category of the male failures. They get what they inevitably deserve.

These types of tales serve to highlight the existence of perceived power differentials between couples and those invited in to "add spice" to apparently stale, unstimulating relationships. "Happy wife - happy life" is the operative principle here, but in most instances the implementation of the strategy comes at a high cost to the participants involved.

Many of the Loving Wives tales emphasise the reasons why so many partners decide to seek satisfaction outside to the relationship with other partners. Interesting enough, prior to her decision to cheat outside the relationship, very little communication has evidently occurred between both spouses to address and confront the perceived difficulties

After reading through the many Loving Wives tales, I find it interesting that only a very few stories have the male partner in the relationship wreaking physical mayhem and bodily harm on the cheaters concerned. I cannot speak for the situation in Australia where gun control is very heavily controlled by the state, but I would have thought that in the United States where there is a more liberal approach to gun ownership, I would have expected to find more betrayed spouses/partners choosing to express their anger and frustration at their cuckolding through the use of firearms. I certainly do not condone this strategy as it brings severe negative consequences for all participants. A stroll through the Loving Wives submissions does provide many variations of non-lethal paths of revenge.

In closing I am interested in tales which bite the bullet and open discussion of the problems and pitfalls of modern long term relationships including marriage. The majority of submitted tales in this sub-genre reflect that while census statistics reflects that the institution of marriage still resonates strongly with so many couples, an increasingly alarming rate of marital breakdowns suggest to me that this social contract between individuals needs a universal overhaul to maintain its relevance in the 21st century and beyond. I would like to thank all story contributors to Loving Wives in particular for putting these interrelated issues out there.