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Mistaken Identity: The Quest for the Golden Dildo

(Note: If you haven't read the original Mistaken Identity I recommend doing so. See Author's Note at the bottom.)

You sit on the unforgiving metal bench of the antiquated ex-military cargo plane. The repetitive shaking and jostling is killing your back and ass, and that incessant deafening droning of the big propeller engines has you believing your hearing won't ever be the same. The old bucket creaks and rocks once more and you are thrown back against the wall of the plane yet again.

Natali, your wife, your true love, your one and only perfect soul-mate, is currently looking at you with murder in her eyes. "Edward, is this really the only plane you could find?" She shouts over the din. You shrug and give her an apologetic look.

Edward...Edward Thomas. It had been just over a year you've been using that name and you were still getting used to it. You were living under a new identity after a crazy series of events that took place last year back in the States. You had been scooped up off the street by a group who had mistaken you for the mob boss Vincent Calabrese. In the end you had decided to embrace the mistake and your life took an extraordinary turn. During that fateful week you ended up faking your death twice. Once for your real identity and once for the mob boss. In the end you built yourself a whole new life, this life, Edward's life. You ended up coming out of the affair not only a new man, but a very happy and wealthy man as well.

Natali, your beautiful Russian queen, sat beside you on the port side bench of the cargo area. She looked out of place in this rusty bucket of bolts. She looked like she should be walking a runway somewhere, or rubbing elbows in high society. But here she was accompanying you on your crazy adventure. She had been the wife of the mob boss and during your time pretending to be Vincent the two of you fell in love. You were now married, having had a small private ceremony in the South of Spain where you currently lived. She wore a wide brimmed hat with her glossy raven black hair tucked up into it, her rich chestnut eyes looking at you and currently evaluating if you were really worth the trouble. She wore a rugged white collared shirt and tight beige slacks with calf high brown leather boots. She had a long elegant figure with a sizable rack.

Sitting across from the two of you on the opposite bench were your two best friends, Soo-yin and Caitlin.

Caitlin had been Vincent Calabrese's maid and live in mistress. Now she was Soo-yin's lover and life partner. She initially had no choice in the matter but the two of them had truly bonded over the last year, despite the fact that Caitlin still ogled men. She was bubbly and fun and down to earth. If you ever wanted to go stir up some romping fun or get into trouble it was Caitlin you'd bring along. She was also a real survivor, able to adapt to almost any situation. You knew she had a rough past that was somehow connected to the mob, she spoke about it rarely. She had fiery red hair and emerald green eyes. Her thick soft voluptuous body bounced and jiggled wonderfully during this bumpy plane ride. She was wearing a bright yellow one piece jumpsuit with short sleeves along with brand new hiking boots and a red bandanna tied around her neck. Even her usually chipper demeanor was being ground down during this relentless ordeal of a plane trip.

Beside her was the mysterious and ice cold Soo-yin. She had been the top level international assassin that had been brought in by a rival of Vincent's to take on the contract to kill him, which she did. Later you spared her life after she had been captured by your mafia men, though your abiding friendship had really begun at the tip of a whip. She was a sadomasochist who needed occasional sessions of giving and taking pain. You ended up being her dungeon partner as Caitlin was simply not suited for that life. Your sessions were mutual therapy and not really sexual in nature. Through pain and pleasure, as well as giving and taking control, the two of you could explore the deepest realms of your psyche. She was unquestionably loyal and very protective of you. You would not be alive today without her. She wore all black, as usual. Today it was boots, cargo pants, a t shirt, sunglasses and a baseball cap with a rounded brim. Her body was trim, lean, and muscular. You knew she worked hard to stay in such shape, her daily physical regimen was grueling. Her expression was calm and emotionless.

Soo-yin and Caitlin made for a very very odd couple to say the least.

As you get up to go speak with the pilot your thoughts drift to home, and to your "daughter" and son. Melanie had been Vincent's daughter. She was a young woman who loved yoga and really really loved her Daddy. Her obsession with her father had been an...unhealthy one. During a moment of weakness she had convinced you that just having sex with her once would allow her to get on with her life. Since she wasn't really your daughter so you gave in and the result of which was your son Joey. Joey was a beautiful healthy baby boy and the light of your life. It tore you up to leave them for a few weeks but Melanie had assured you it was okay. She said it would give her time to work on a few things. It was a very strange relationship, but one that had grown and flourished over the past year. You both loved each other very much. You were now in every way but biologically her father, and she was your daughter. But she was also the mother of your child. It was weird.

Currently you were over southern Colombia. Making your way through the main cargo bay to the cockpit you take a seat in the co-pilot's chair and look out over the endless carpet of jungle below you. You yell over to Santiago your pilot in Spanish. "Santi, how much longer?"

His glazed bloodshot eyes look over at you. "Not so long now I think..."

Jesus Christ! Santi was high as a kite, both literally and metaphorically. He had been the only pilot willing to take you to where you needed to go, to go this far into the middle of nowhere.

You were heading deep into the Amazon rainforest. Far away from any hint of civilization. Technically there was supposed to be an old airfield out here somewhere where you would meet your guides. During your escape from the mob life you had grabbed a bunch of files containing blackmail information, sensitive documents, and other assorted tid bits from a hidden safe you'd found. You felt the information might come in handy someday. Among these was a letter to Vincent from his brother Anthony. Anthony had been a bit of an explorer and plunderer. On his deathbed he had written Vincent of a ruin he had discovered in the heart of the jungles of southern Columbia. He wrote of an ancient golden idol that was probably worth a fortune. He had returned from that trip empty handed. His plan was to return someday but he had fallen into ill health before he got the chance. Anthony hadn't told anyone of his discovery and had been hoping his wealthy brother Vincent would fund an expedition to bring him the idol so he could claim it's discovery before he died. Vincent did no such thing and Anthony died with his secret.

You could have handed the information over to academics but when faced with such an opportunity for adventure you decided you'd try to go retrieve yourself. A bit of Indiana Jones style fun. Your life in the South of Spain really was a splendid slice of heaven, but after a while even heaven gets boring. You started doing research, getting some help from a local university. You never gave them all the details and you were sure to include a nice bit of funding for the archaeology department to ensure their silence on this topic. You were able to put some things together and you now thought you had a pretty good idea of where to look.

When you told the others of your plan they initially thought you were joking, or crazy. After months of convincing, and fanciful tales of excitement and adventure, you finally brought Natali around to the idea. 'Even if we fail it would be an amazing experience!' you promised her. Soo-yin did not seem overly pleased with the idea but made it clear that she would coming with you. Caitlin just joined for an opportunity to see the world and have a bit of fun. And so, after months of planning, here you were.

"Woah...dude...are you seein this? Ha ha...funky!" Santi laughs.

You look out the front windows and lean over to see out his side. Yellow-white streaks of light were shooting up into the sky from a nearby mountain, and the streaks were getting closer and closer. It was tracer fire! Someone was was shooting at the plane with an anti-aircraft gun!

"Holy shit! Someone is shooting at us!" You cry.

Santi does his best to get serious, grabbing the controls with both hands. "Ho shit man! Probably the army...shooting at drug planes...not sure what they're doing way out here though..."

"But we're not a drug plane!" You shout.

"Well...no...not right now we're not." He cranks the stick to the right, you grab on so as not to be thrown. The zim, zim, zim, zim of nearby projectiles can be heard over the engines.

"Oh shit...you run drugs? This is a drug plane?"

"Well...yeah dude! I don't get rich tourists all that often ya know, gotta pay the bills." He grits his teeth as he fights the old plane's controls to bank away from the danger.

'Great!' You think. 'The military thinks this is a drug plane! Another case of mistaken ident..."

Ka-shoom! You are forced to your knees, the whole plane shudders as the left side engine is hit. Soo-yin appears in the doorway to the cockpit, doing her best to stay on her feet. "What's happening?"

Before you can answer the pilot interrupts. "We're going down, that's what's happen...."

Five rounds suddenly rip through the cockpit, two of which hit Santi. He slumps back, his dead bloodshot eyes staring to the distance. Wind begins rushing into through the holes and smashed windows.

Soo-yin looks to you. "There are parachutes in the back!" She heads to the back of the plane, telling the other two to follow her as she does so.

Your eyes frantically look around the cabin. You finally find the autopilot switch. You weren't sure it would help but you flick it on anyways. The plane is bucking at this point and you hear the left engine grinding and popping and struggling mightily. You hear the ting, ting, ting, of more rounds hitting the plane, you were now at the edge of their range and they weren't penetrating the fusilage.

"Shit, shit, shit." You swear as you make your way to the back. Your three friends are gathered by the back side doorway. Soo-yin has them all outfitted in parachutes and was currently putting on their day packs on them, worn to the front. You grab one of the parachutes and pause for half a second. Jesus! These dusty old antiques must be from one of the World Wars! You slip on the ancient thing and grab your pack. Soo-yin already has the door open. The roaring wind fills the plane.

The only thing you can see is thick black smoke from the damaged engine. Every so often you catch a glimpse of the endless expanse of jungle rushing up toward you.

You give Natali a passionate kiss. "I love you!" She nods then makes the jump.

You turn to Soo-yin and yell. "I'll go last!" She shakes her head "NO!", there was not time to argue right now.

Next is Caitlin, she looks absolutely terrified. She freezes up at the door. "I can't! I can't do it Eddie!" She is crying and screaming. With no time to spare you grab her wrists and force her to let go of the doorway. "AHHHHHHH!" She screams.

Holding onto her wrists you pull her with you as you fall out of the door backward.

BOOM!

The engine explodes...

What's next?

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