Ted took his time walking home. Maybe he thought he'd think of what to say when he got there if he took long enough. Maybe he thought he would get lucky and get hit by a bus if he wasn't riding one. It seemed preferable to telling his wife he'd been fired for having porn on his work computer.

That’s how he ended up finding the coin. He had been walking past a newly-dug construction site and the bronze disk was sticking out of a pile of dirt. No one was around so he grabbed it, more as one more thing to delay his, perhaps last, trip home than anything.

It was oddly heavy and one side had a monstrous face with bulging eyes and a domineering stare. He wasn't sure if it was supposed to be human or not.

The other side had symbols that may have been letters, but in what language he couldn't begin to guess. He figured he deserved at least one good thing to happen that day. He pocketed it. A block later, he had pulled it back out. Something about gripping it was comforting.

He came home to find his wife wasn't there. Well, that was a pleasant reprieve! Maybe he could enjoy some liquid courage before he had to face the music.

“Krista, is that you? Did you forget something?”

Fuck. The mother-in-law.

“It's just me, Eloise,” Ted said. “No need to come down.”

“Ted? What are you doing home?” His mother-in-law asked from upstairs.

He thought of lies. He wished for her to stay up stairs. He wished for her to keel over dead. But inevitably he heard the thump of her enormous bulk inexorably coming towards him as if Sisyphus had just let her go.

Ted's mind groped for a lie as the behemoth came into view. But it failed him utterly as she rumbled out “Did you get fired?”

He stared at her dumbfounded. How had the cow known?

She took his slack-jawed stare as an admission.

“I knew it,” she said. “I told Krista you were a loser over and over again I told her.”

Ted didn't know what to say. Really there was nothing to say. His life was over. If there was one silver lining, it was that after Krista got home and tossed him out he would never have to see Eloise again.

Might as well take advantage of the freedom that came with having nothing left to lose. He squeezed the bronze disc for courage.

“Just shut the fuck up, Eloise,” he said. “Don't say another goddamn word. I need a drink and I'm going to have one.”

His mother-in-law did not approve of ****. She wouldn't allow it anywhere in the house and gave him holy hell if he came home smelling of it. But he had hidden the flask high on a shelf that neither Eloise nor Krista could reach and he saw no reason to keep the hiding-place secret any longer. He grabbed it, raised it towards the enraged woman in mock toast and took he hard pull on the distilled contents. It felt good to finally defy her tyranny. A man should be able to drink in his own home.

Something was odd. Eloise was not yelling at him. Had his defiance shocked her in to silence? Was that an option all along?

He looked more closely. Her eyes were huge and crazed and vicious. But her mouth was closed. Frowning furiously and closed.

He raised the flask at her again and swigged. She fumed. Silently.

“I don't think I've ever seen you this pissed, Eloise,” he observed. “You need this stuff more than I do.”

She stared at his flask. Intently. Yearningly?

What the fuck was going on? He looked at the bronze disc in his hand. Was the monstrous face winking at him?

“Here. Have some,” he said, holding it out to her.

She took it. She drank. Greedily.

“Woah!” Ted exclaimed. “What is up with you, Eloise?”

She looked at him with confused and tearing eyes. She shrugged to say she didn't know.

Ted went to the fridge and retrieved one of Krista's yogurts.

“Dump this on your head, Eloise,” he said.

And she did. No hesitation. She just peeled off the top with her teeth and doused her dull coif with strawberry-banana yogurt. She glared at him silently as it ran down the side of her head.

“Holy fucking shit,” he said.

He looked at the disc in his hand again. It was crazy, but what other explanation was there?

He took the flask from his trembling mother in law and took a pull, staring at the disc. The last pull, it appeared. She had guzzled it. He looked up and saw she was making for the side door, as fast as she could.

“Stop, Eloise!” he commanded.

She did. He grinned.

“Get down on hands and knees and moo like a cow,” he prompted.

She awkwardly maneuvered into the proscribed position and let out a pathetic, sobbing moo that went on and on. When she gasped to bring in air for another moo, he had her turn around and face him. Tears and snot were flowing.

Ted sighed. He was being a serious asshole and he knew it.

“Okay Eloise you can talk now. But don't yell or scream or anything. Just tell me why you're doing everything I tell you to do,” he said.

“I don't know!" She solved sobbed. “I can't stop! I try and try and I can't stop! This is horrible!”

“I'm sorry, Eloise,” Ted said. “I never meant to do this to you. It just started happening. I didn't even realize it at first.”

“Well you realize it now!” She said bitterly. “And you made me act like a cow! You're awful!”

“Oh come on, Eloise,” Ted said. “It wasn't that bad. It was funny! Admit it!”

Her expression softened and she gave a wry smile.

“Okay, that part was pretty funny,” she conceded. “But you didn't have to make me dump yogurt on my head.”

“You're right, I didn't, Eloise,” Ted said. “But in my defense, I wasn't totally sure you were going to do it at that point. You forgive me though, don't you?”

“Yes I forgive you,” she said with utmost sincerity.

“I think we just got off to a bad start Eloise,” Ted said. “Now that I know you have to do everything that I tell you, I'll try to only tell you to do things you like to do. Deal?”

“Okay, I guess that's better,” she said. “But I still want to know why it's happening.”

“No you don't,” Ted assured her. “You just happily accept that you're going to do everything that I tell you from now on. You're quite happy with our new relationship because you know I'm just telling you to do things that you like to do.”

“That's true!” She said with the contented smile.

“I'm so glad that you see that, Eloise!” He said. “Now keep pretending like you're a cow. I know how much you enjoy that.”

“Moo!” she said happily. “Moo moo moo!”

***

Ted and Eloise were both very drunk, sprawling in the living room, by the time Krista got home. Ted had decided that they're new relationship merited breaking out the stash he kept down in the furnace room. And Eloise had most enthusiastically agreed.

They had been doing shots between humiliating stunts that Eloise cheerfully subjected herself to. That's why when Krista came home she found her drunk mother wearing a pair of Krista's panties on her head and her husband writing “COW” in sharpie across her exposed chest while she giggled.

“What in the hell? Mom!?!” Krista exclaimed.

“Hey look, Teddy!” Eloise exclaimed, pointing. “Krissa’s home! Now she can suck your dick! An’ I can watch!”

Ted had waxed eloquent on his plans for his wife once she came home. Eloise thought they were all marvelous and was really looking forward to them.

“Hey! Iss my wifey!” Ted exclaimed, trying to focus his eyes through the whiskey haze. “We wuz jus’ talkin’ 'bout yer sweet ass! Have a drinks! Issa party!”

“What did you do to my mom, you bastard!” Krista demanded.

“I'm jus’ tellin’ her ado theens she liza do,” Ted shrugged. “We're good frenz now!”

“The Bess!” Eloise agreed.

“Mom, you're drunk!” Krista said. “I don't know how, but Ted got you drunk!”

“I'm prizzy sure it was the whissee,” Eloise said reasonably. “Ted gabe me lossa whissee cuz he'za bess sonlaw ever!”

And then she collapsed in a fit of giggles.

“See Krista,” Ted said. “Ima best! You should blow me!”

“You're disgusting and I want you out of this house as soon as you're sober enough to drive,” Krista said with venom.

“Huh?” Ted said having become quite used to being obeyed in the past hour.

Then he remembered the bronze disc. He had set it down. Stupid!

“Jussa sec,” he held up a finger to his wife, then scanned the floor and found where he had put the magical thing. He pounced on it, which was not a great plan given his state of balance, and it left him sprawling with a rugburn on his face. But he did manage to grab the disc.

He rolled over to grin up at his disgusted spouse and gripped the disc hard, feeling it's power.

“Now her gunna suck my dick,” he told her.

She kicked him in the balls and stalked off.

Ted vomited.

“Krissa, you bitch!” Eloise exclaimed. “You get back here right now and suck Teddy's dick!”

“Sleep it off, Mom!” Krista yelled over her shoulder as she marched upstairs. “You're disgusting when you're drunk. Never thought I'd have to say that.”

“Poor Teddy!” Eloise said, patting her miserable and messy son-in-law from his place on the floor. “I don't know why she didn't suck your dick. I know I would if you asked me to.”

Ted vomited again at the thought. His mother-in-law patted him sympathetically.

“It doesn't make sense,” Ted said, staring at the disc he clenched in his hand. “Did it stop working?”

“I dunno,” Eloise shrugged. “What is it supposta do?”

Ted stared at her like she was an idiot, then he remembered telling her not to worry about why she was doing everything he told her to do. Of course she hadn't made the connection.

And the things he told her we were clearly still in effect.

Ted got up, looked around the living room and saw a ceramic figurine of a pig playing the tuba.

“Eloise!” He commanded, gripping the disc. “Stick that tuba piggy up your ass!”

“Tha'sa great idea!” she exclaimed and staggered eagerly to the doomed piggy.

Ted didn't want to watch but he did. The behemoth clumsily bared her broad behind and proceeded to cheerfully do as she was told.

The pig was sight unseen when Krista came back down the stairs, so she didn't question her mother's choice of where to put it, thought she was quite horrified to find the woman bottomless. Ted clung to hope, based on the perversity he had just witnessed, that his disc was working again.

“Alright Krista!” He said, gripping the disc. “Show me your tits!”

“Fuck you, Ted,” Krista said.

“Come on, Krispa!” Eloise chided. “Do what Teddy says! It's fun!”

“I can't be here with you two like this,” Krista said, and Ted finally noticed she had her overnight bag. “If you're here in the morning and sober, we'll talk. If you're not, well, then good!”

“You jus gotta lissen to me, Krista!” Ted said, clutching the disc so tightly a drop of blood oozed out of his palm.

“Yeah, lissen to Ted!” Eloise encouraged.

Krista did not listen. She sobbed. She left. She slammed the door.

“Her loss!” Eloise shrugged. “We'll jus’ keep havin’ a great time doin’ what we wanna do!”

Ted stared at the disc in his palm. The wicked face was laughing at him. He was sure of that now. Ted had assumed it would work on anyone. But it wasn't working on Krista. He'd have to test it, of course, but the horrible sensation in his gut told him right then what he was going to discover: He hadn't been given the power to control everyone. He had been given the power to control Eloise. And only Eloise.

If he hadn't just vomited twice, he imagined he would do it again. One per customer. No doubt that's what the weird writing on the back side said.

But he couldn't read that. So instead of having complete control over his wife or some hot supermodel, he had complete control over his mother-in-law. Because she just happened to be the first person he used it on.

“Sonofabitch!” He said, slamming his fist against his thigh. “Sonofabitch!”

“Wassa matter?” The dump drunk asked.

“You’re the matter, you cow!” He spat.

“Moo! Moo!” She declared happily, making horns with her pudgy fingers.

“Arg!” he yelled. “Fuck it all! Why can't you at least look like your daughter?”

“I dunno.” She shrugged. “You neber tol’ me to.”

“What do you mean, I never told you to?” He said.

“Well, I do whatebver you tell me to cuz I like it,” she reasoned. “So if you wan me a look like Krisna, you should tell me ta look like Krispa!”

Ted stared at her, unsure if that was the stupidest thing he had heard or the most brilliant. If he hadn't been so drunk, he may not have even considered the possibility. But he really did have no idea how the disc worked. What it had done so far was clearly impossible. Why couldn't it do something more impossible?

“Eloise, look like Krista,” he commanded.

“OK!” she said, then screwed up her face and shimmered.

There was a woosh as the air rushed into the sudden absence of Eloise’s suddenly much smaller body. She looked just like Krista.

Well, she looked just like a very drunk Krista with the word COW written across her chest in sharpie. But still, she was undeniably Ted's wife.

“I liked that!” she exclaimed in a voice that was somewhere between Eloise and Krista.

“Me too…” he said as the possibilities unfolded before him.