There's a part of me that scares me. Every once in a while, I'll find it and entertain it. Then the shame and guilt kicks in far too late. Even as a kid in primary.

I had bullies, I always have I suppose, and of course it was normal for someone to want them to hurt back. But a few occasions were worrying.

Like Tina in Year One who used to write horrible stuff on my textbooks. The places I would think of to place her pretty pencils were quite disturbing, if a little inventive for a six year old. And Brad in Year 4 with his worms in my hair. When I had the courage to act revenge in the boys changing room when everyone was swimming, I'd take extra time to think of the possibility one of these wiggly things making friends with the hole in his bottom.

Even my bout of accidental magic wasn't as nice as I told it. Everyone was laughing at me, school trousers ripped when I stood up, realising that someone had spread glue over my chair. The humiliation I felt enlightened a protective burn and suddenly everyone was itching their body like monkeys. I happened to leave out the fact that their itch occurred in very private locations.

And Hogwarts didn't thwart my rare moments of cruelty. And cruelty was only half the issue, the bouts of dark curiosity were just as infamous.

For example, the troll's club was not the only thing he was dangling. And in the brief moment Harry and Ron distracted the beast, I had a long peek at it's meat and two veg. An extra jumbo sausage and mega sprouts.

And beasts were a big curiosity for me. The bigger the better. The trapdoor wasn't the only thing I spotted between Fluffy's legs. I was scared when riding Buckbeak, but there was something I found humourous every time somebody mentioned it. I also had a dream about the night I encountered Lupin's wolf for the first time, except I get caught. I'm not completely convinced it was a nightmare. How can part of you enjoy a nightmare, especially when a wolf is ripping your clothes off.

I know it's actions that count, and I'm fundamentally always doing good things. Not always the right thing, but certainly for good intentions or cause.

But the hat wanted to put me in Slytherin for a reason. Was this it? And I now know all about the birds and the bees, it's starting to worry me why I had the ideas I had, before I had the knowledge itself.

"Oi Hermione, you're meant to be watching?" Ron addresses me, moving his bishop four places up the board.

"I only agreed so Umbridge wouldn't catch us in the outdoors doing nothing. The suspicious old frog."

Ron hums in agreement. "Thank Godric she's not allowed the password to the common room."

Harry glumly moves his rook to take Ron's knight. "Don't expect that to last for long though."

I know that look, Harry doesn't get glum over Umbridge. Angry, but not glum. The only thing that saddens, as well as angers him, was Voldemort and his ever-growing army. "The Order are doing everything they can Harry."

"Exactly, and what are we doing?"

"What can we do mate? We're still kids" Ron replies.

"Something" Harry stated. "We can do something."

"Well, let us know what suicide plan you have Harry, and we'll tell you why it's a bad idea." I don't like being too firm on him, especially as we all feel the same, but Harry was beginning to get irritating. I agree something has to change, but anything untoward at Hogwarts would put undeserved pressure on Dumbledore. And he was walking a tightrope as it is.

Of course there were plenty of ideas my abnormal brain came up with on how to get rid of Umbridge. And the longer this all continued, and undoubtedly worsened, the harder it will be to not give them a go.

My parents would be proud? I think not. Although they've never really approved of me.

You wouldn't be able to tell I, Hermione, was the daughter of Daniel and Emma Granger. Not only because neither of my parents had curly hair, or the same pale skin tone as me. But mainly they despise me for some reason, and they don't even have the decency to admit it.

I know they resent my magic, but this seemed to stem before I learnt of it. I would be the apple of their eye in public, but I'll be as bothersome as a house-fly behind closed doors.

I would call it neglect rather than abuse, although neglect is a form of abuse, but it only really affected me as a child. It made me want to be quiet and secluded, as it was what I was used to. Which got me bullied and made it worse.

I've never had therapy for all this, I just have to point that out.

I won't ever know the reason why my parents don't love me, but I suppose that's why the mudblood thing never really hurts me. It did the first time I was called it, but really I just took it as an insult to my parents. In Slytherin terms, I was superior to my parents, which feels like a small victory to me.

I do get jealous of Ron sometimes, having a family as welcoming and strong behind him, it makes a shambles of anyone else's family to be frank. But then again I could not deal with six other siblings in the same house. Sharing the same shower...ewww, the house always being loud. And if I was a middle child like Ron I won't get the slight favouritism of being the oldest, or the youngest in fact. And all a middle child wants is be appreciated, which is a huge chip on Ron's shoulder that I sympathise with.

I can't complain to Harry, even though he wouldn't mind. Whilst Harry may understand exactly how I feel, he's experiences really over-shadow mine. It was like comparing chalk to cheese by discussing abuse with him.

So I bottle all this resentment for my parents, and look to be independent from them. I'm far past being sad and disappointed. It's fair to say I don't love them either. And if they one day did, I wouldn't care and it would change nothing.

"Hermione, you okay?" Harry must've admitted defeat because Ron is clearing the board. The Boy-Who-Lived won't stop looking at me, why? Oh, that's why my cheek suddenly became cold. "I didn't scare you did I Hermione. I won't bring up Vol- er You-Know-Who again."

I wipe the tears away and smilef at him. "It wasn't him, I was just being silly." 'I guess I'm not fully over my parents lack of love'.

Harry looks like he's going to ask me what was so upsetting. But thank god for my ginger-haired kneazle.

Nobody had seen Crookshanks saunter into the room until he was perched on my lap, greeting me with a rub of his head on my face.

"Hello Crooks, is it getting cold out."

"Not quite. I think he's here for something else" Ron points to the cats mouth, where a square of folded parchment dangled from between his teeth.

"You got something for me Crookshanks?" That's odd, I never use Crookshanks as a messenger.

"Careful. It could be the twins, or the Slytherins messing with ya."

"Ron, the twins know what pranking me will get them. And Crookshanks goes nowhere near the Slytherin's, he'd claw their eyes out before they had a chance to catch him." I stroke the cat's head with pride.

"Then who's it from?" Harry cautions.

"I don't know, maybe by reading it I may find out" I pointedly reply, although my sardonic tone was a facade. This was too random and unusual for me to overlook.

I slip the note out of Crook's mouth and open it. It reads:

Dearest Daughter,

I will be at Hogwarts tonight, eager to see you at long last. No time for explanations, you want to know more meet me in the Shrieking Shack tonight at 8 o'clock. If you don't know the Whomping Willow leads straight to it, you're smart enough to immobilse it I'm sure.

All my love,

Mum.

_

I stop reading although my frown remains. This note did not make sense. For one it wasn't my mother's handwriting. Two, it was way too loving. Three, my mother could not even see Hogwarts, let alone get onto the grounds to deliver this message. Four, I never told her about the Shrieking Shack and Whomping Willow. Five, how does she know about the Immobulus spell? And six, why the hell does she want to meet me now, she's never eager to see me? 'At long last', it had only been two months?

Ron was right, it was a trick.

But only select few know the truth about the Whomping Willow. Not the Slytherins, not Umbridge...not Voldemort. It must be a message from the Order which is why they used Crookshanks and not an owl. And if Umbridge did happen to intercept it the Order is not betrayed.

But why message me, why not Harry? There must be a reason, and guessing won't be very much help. I'll have to go, but do I tell Harry and Ron?

Harry is restless, and just dying to get himself killed. What if it was not the Order, and Death Eaters instead? I'm not going to put him in unnecessary danger that I can prevent. Same for Ron.

I can take care of myself, and it likely is just the Order. But a three-person adventure this year is academical AND literal suicide. It's better with just the one. I'll come clean to him tomorrow and pass on the message.

"Well, what does it say?" Ron impatiently asks.

"I'm to visit Dumbledore tonight. My mum wishes to speak to me about something urgent. That's all."

The boys visibly relax and it seems the subject has been dropped. I won't be able to do the same until late tonight.

_

I'm under the invisibility cloak, in the passage to the Shrieking Shack, on my way to meet "mum". I'm not going to lie, had I not emptied my bladder before heading down here I would be doing so now. I apologize for that mental image...or do I?

See that's exactly what I was telling you about before.

I'm Hermione Granger so I have a plan. If it turns out to be a Death Eater, plan A is to stay as close to the door as I possibly can, without making my intentions obvious. Plan B use some Peruvian Instant Darkness powder... don't ask me how I got that.

They can't follow me back on Hogwarts grounds unless they want to prove their existence to Umbridge...yeah, not happening. I am having however going to be in big trouble with the boys of they found out I willingly went to see a Death Eater alone.

Now I'm in the Shrieking Shack, and an orb greets me. As it floats away and up the stairs I trepidously follow it. Up the stairs and through the door we go. It's the same room we first met Sirius in, which surely meant it WAS Sirius who she was meeting...or Remus at least.

I relax at this and go to where the orb hovered over a chair pulled out from the accompanying table. As I sit in it the orb swiftly moves away and returns to the wand where it originated. Leaving the room in sudden blackness.

I quickly reach for my wand, cursing at my premature judgement of the situation. I had placed my possible attacker in the way of my escape, what an idiot.

As I light my wand, the obvious other occupant of the room lit theirs...and low and behold it reveals a Death Eater. Not just any Death Eater, but Bellatrix, Voldemort's apparent biggest fan girl.

In perfect sync we exclaim"Bellatrix Lestrange!""Sweetheart!"

We both stared at each other, me confusedly and her awkwardly. "I have some-""What did you call me?"

She chuckles and beckons to me "you first." She flicks her wand and the orb is back filling the room with light, like a light blub off a ceiling fixture.

She's not attacking me yet, maybe I can keep her talking whilst I think of a way out of here. "So you're "mum" huh?"

"Oh yes dear. Fifteen years late but here I am."

"Okay you can drop the mum thing now, you've got my attention. Now tell me exactly what you want."

Bellatrix deflates "I knew I needed a lot of explaining to get through. Let's nip this in the bud straight away...I am your mother."

I stare at her a long while and she's clearly waiting for a reaction of some kind, and I'm giving her absolutely nothing. Just as she's given up waiting, I have an outburst. "What sort of idiot do you think I am?"

"You are no idiot, that I'm sure of. I know this is hard to believe-"

"It's not hard, it's impossible. I don't know how much sanity the dementors took out of you, I suppose it's down to me then to remind you of reality. My name is Hermione Granger. Your name is Bellatrix Lestrange. I am a muggle-born witch, daughter of Emma and Daniel."My patronising tone must've got on her nerves a tiny bit. Why have I stopped trying to figure out an escape plan?

"That's quite enough lip young lady. As it happens I am not Bellatrix Lestrange, I never took that gutter rat dick Roldulphus' name, people just assume these things. And you are not Hermione Granger, despite what that fraudulent muggle birth certificate might say."

I laugh through my breathes and roll my eyes "what are you trying to achieve by this?"

"You're name is Hermione Black. You were born on the 19th September 1979. You're blood type is O positive. You had eczema as a child but I don't know how long for." Bellatrix appears smug but I'm not buying it.

"You've read my medical records, big whoop."

Bellatrix pinches the bridge of her nose with a smile. "You are a stubborn one. Just like me. Ok, let me use logic then. I'll try and use something you understand quite well. If I'm a Death Eater and pure-blood elitist, what benefit would I get for claiming mothership of you? And do you think I'M an idiot in thinking I can make you question the legitimacy of your parentage, by just merely telling you so?"

"Yes. You are that idiot, that's exactly what you are doing."

"I knew you'd be disbelieving, I didn't expect the attitude but I can't deny that I like it. The one thing that doesn't surprise is how difficult it is to convince you. If I wasn't your mother wouldn't I think that plan as useless as a fly in water?"

Ok, good point. It sounded ridiculous to me, it would sound even more ridiculous to a Death Eater, and would be insulting even to consider. But implausibility of her motives doesn't equal trust.

"Can I at least prove one thing?"

"And what may that be?"

"I'm not a Death Eater."

Oh come now, this is getting silly. "Really, and I'm not a bookworm."

"I never took the mark dear. Voldemort was fun to jump on, but I'm no sex slave. I agreed to go to the Longbottoms with an ulterior motive besides information. I'm a sadist, it's what I do."

Well that certainly froze my brain. "Why did I need to hear that?"

To silence my doubts she rolls her sleeves up, only revealing pale white skin on her forearms.

"So it's not official, you still side with and support him. You do his bidding."

Bellatrix shook her head. "That's the old me. Actually in fairness, it never really was, I just like how dark and twisted everyone was. It aroused me. I've never used the killing curse before, it's such a waste. The torture curse and imperius curse; that's much more like it."

Ok, that's enough "can you please stop referencing and implying your sex life?"

"That is not me either. My life is empty without perversion, it's who I am. I don't have sex, I live and breathe sex. I have no filter. I have no moral code. I will fuck you senseless, no matter how forbidden or wrong. The one thing I won't do it with is littlun's." Bellatrix approaches the table and sat across the table from me. "And you are no different, I just need to unlock that side of you. As well as love and care for you."

This is all ridiculous and horrible. I will never be a part of it. Perversion? Ok, there are small, silly fantasies that I'm ashamed of. I am not a sex addict or pervert.

To be honest I don't know why I got a spike of arousal when she stated "I'll fuck you senseless". I don't know why I'm picturing the image of us both using Cruciatus and Imperio on poor innocent victims. I don't know why I've stopped doubting she's my mother.

But I will never be what she is. I-I can't be

"You really do think too much my dear? Don't worry I'll teach you to understand what you are and how you are meant be. But right now... I want to talk about your 'parents'"

"I'd like to hear how you're going to convince me on this one" I say, the sound of my voice heavily implying she won't be able to.

"Well I visited Emma and Daniel Granger, 39 Kingston Road am I right?" She was, but that doesn't prove anything. She continues "I realise it's hard to trust someone you believe to be an enemy, but it was clear to me in the first few seconds of conversation with Em and Dan, they are more an enemy to you then I'll ever be. Am I right in thinking you don't get on well with them?"

Ok, so she did visit them. I defensively reply "It's none of your concern."

"And you're defending them, you've got more generosity than I thought. My daughter is very generous."

I even more defensively reply "I'm not defending them. They are my parents unfortunately, but I'm not going to let you play these mind games."

Whilst laughing she responds "there's no need for mind games. I have met them. I know exactly how they feel for you, so in comparing them to me how is it harder to believe I'm your real mother, when your so called parents despise you?"

I can know the truth and not be bothered by it, but to have practically a stranger tell me the truth; instantly becomes much more painful.

I feel myself well up "So they don't love me, it doesn't make you my mum."

Bellatrix soothes "There there, don't get upset sweetheart. Don't worry, I made them pay for how they treated you."

Sniffling, I enquire "W-what did you do?"

"Let's just say they paid in blood, sweat and tears. And plenty of juices."

I couldn't help picturing Bellatrix sitting naked on my father's back. Him on all fours with a dog's collar, whilst my mother lapped the juices from the pubic curls of the perverted witch.

She catches my aroused gasp and smiles, but she doesn't comment on it like I expected.

"You won't be living there anymore, we may visit so you can act your revenge...but obviously that's a future goal. I also want to talk about the bastard's who put you with them when I got chucked in Azkaban."

I became confused and curious, surely if Bellatrix was right about being my mother, muggle social services would've took over. But then again, why would the Ministry automatically put a baby witch with a muggle family? "It's standard procedure to put a child without a guardian into care. You couldn't exactly raise me in Azkaban, and obviously you're family must have refused to raise me. It's not them you should be angry with."

Bellatrix becomes angered, but it's not directed at me. "My family were Death Eaters, that's why you were sent away to the Muggle world."

"I don't agree with it, but it's not right and wrong that decides who takes guardianship, it's the law that decides. And the law states I can only be placed into care if all adult blood relations are imprisoned or dead; or they decide to put me in care. You're related to the Malfoy's, it's them who you should take your anger out on, although I also hate the possibility of potentially growing up with Draco."

Oh no, Malfoy is my cousin. Lucius is my uncle.

Bellatrix snaps "it's not the law that decides dear, it's the Wizengamot. A major Death Eater's daughter, needing a family to raise her, and with a certain chief warlock. There was only one outcome; never let the girl know she is a daughter of mine."

Did I understand that right? "Are you saying that Dumbledore convinced the Wizengamot to send me away?"

Bellatrix crosses her arms "do you really think the leader of the Order was going to let a newborn child of Death Eater's grow up with the same 'tendencies?'"

It offends me at first but then thinking about it, I myself wouldn't want a child brought up to potentially be a Death Eater one day. "I'm sure he had good intentions, I don't like the pure-blood way of thinking and the idea that I would've if I was raised by the Malfoys...it makes me a little grateful."

"You wouldn't have grown up a Death Eater! Narcissa knew that it never meant to me what it was to Lucius! I even made her swear at your birth, should anything happen to me, that she'd never raise you like Lucius wants to raise Draco! And what was so wrong with you staying with Andromeda, who didn't become a Death Eater!"

I feel touched by her sincerity, and experience maternal love for the first time in my life. I couldn't also see any reason why Andromeda couldn't raise me either.

She became a member of the old Order. The Tonks' were a magical family. There would've been no pure-blood supremacy when Ted Tonks' was a muggle-born. And Nymphadora could've been like a sister to me. Something I'd much prefer over Draco.

"Face it, Dumbledore never sent you away because it was for the greater good. You were sent away so you wouldn't know I was ever your mother. I'm your dirty great secret you were never meant to know about" Bellatrix explained.

They've never told me any of this, the Order. I'm sure they'll tell me they were only looking out for my well-being and keeping me protected. But Bellatrix wasn't the monster they painted. Admittedly she was a bit of a sexual beast, and did despicable things that she got rightfully imprisoned for. But I am capable of making my own opinions and protecting myself.

Even now, I'm adamant that whether or not she is my mother, it won't affect who I am whatsoever. I'm not like her.

"Well now all their lies will crumble around them, and I will be the mother you deserve". Her determined eyes show she isn't kidding.

"I'd like to see you try, the moment anyone sees you you'll be carted off back to Azkaban."

Bellatrix smiles. "I don't intend to do so in person, not quite yet. The added benefit of you, is your uses."

I'm scoffing hard, how typical. "Excellent parenting right there, use your daughter for your own dirty work."

Bellatrix raises a finger at me. "Now don't be like that. It so happens that as you learn how to embrace who you are, you'll discover more lies and deceit by those who you trust."

"But unfortunately" I'm saying as I get to my feet. "you won't be teaching me anything, and you won't be taking your revenge. Now, you have two options."

If you're thinking where I got this confidence from, when under normal circumstances with a Death Eater I'd very much be a jittering wreck, then you've clearly misread the situation.

A deluded woman claiming to be my mother is of no threat, even if it's Bellatrix Lestrange. She can stay deluded, but if she's smart she will listen.

"Option A, you let me go. We'll forget this ever happened, and you can keep your freedom however long it may last. But I don't want to receive anymore messages or be invited to any secret meetings."

She is still quiet, absorbing every word patiently. "Option B, you surrender to me. I take you to the Order and from there they'll decide what happens to you. Something tells me you'd prefer the former."

Bellatrix is waiting to see if I've finished. "then that something is wrong. For one, I'm never going to give up on you, no matter what. I'd only escape Azkaban again and again for you. Secondly..." the saucy look she is giving me should be creeping me out, but I can only pretend to be. "Secondly, surrendering to you has a nice ring to it, and would be a mightily enjoyable experience."

She really does have sex on the brain.

"And tertiary, meeting those bastards personally was actually on my to-do list. I didn't expect the opportunity so soon."

So that's option B, well who am I to deny someone what they want. "Fine, I'll have your wand then."

Bellatrix doesn't think twice, she just threw it to me like I was confiscating a rubber ball or something.

She is the nuttiest person I've ever met, and I've met Luna Lovegood.

"Lead the way outside, you're going to apparate us. If we appear anywhere other than the Order Headquarters I'll stun you." Not the greatest threat I know.

Bellatrix is sauntering over to the door, I watch her closely. You know, to ensure she doesn't try anything...why else?

But that smell...her perfume...

"Sweetheart?"

My brain must have checked out for a moment because she's standing at the door with part concern, part amusement.

"Your...perfume."

She twiddles a finger into a lock of hair. "Oh, that's Melboise No.4 Luxury Edition. Had to buy my favourite scent to compensate the horrible stench Azkaban gave me."

Her crazy story is becoming more and more dauntingly plausible. "I've smelt that scent for as long as I can remember. It's my earliest memory, yet I wasn't sure where I smelt it from."

Bellatrix smiles at me, an actual warm smile. "Come on, there's this place we were meant to be going."

So I came into this room as Hermione Granger, and after a five minute mind fuck, I leave as Hermione Black.