When I first began to explore myself with You, it was with trepidation and an overwhelming nervousness of what I would find. Countering that, however, was an extreme eagerness, not only to please You, but an excitement of "what am I going to find? Will I find facets that I never dreamed of? Will my boundaries be pushed, disintegrated, or solidified? What is in His head when He makes me do this? Will He be surprised at what W/we find? Overjoyed? Delighted? And will I be able to transform through these exercises into a woman that He will found previously unattainable joy and release with? Will I lose myself? Or will I simply mold the unfired clay that I am into a piece of pottery with a value that cannot be defined?"
You sent me to a woman who wrote [https://fetlife.com/users/13863/posts/1008316] a piece of work which stated her views on Humiliation and Degradation, as well as their subsets. I read this writing with an open mind, and found that I wholly agreed with every one of her assumptions. Her thoughts could have been my own, so clearly defined and yet always with room for later learning. Thus I find that I will take her words and use them to help me define my own explanations for You. When I mention certain terms such as shame or objectification, I am using her definitions of said words.
Your first request to me was to explain to You what humiliation means to me, along with specific examples. I know not if You meant I was to give examples of what has humiliated me previously (whether sexual or non), or what I would imagine would easily humiliate me now and possibly in the very near future. To me, humiliation is a mix of both shame and embarrassment in that not only am I ashamed of myself for doing it, but it has been witnessed by other people, whom I can easily imagine are laughing at me. Thus, the people who witness my shame are not close friends who would not dare to laugh at me, but acquaintances and strangers who would have no qualm about reddening my cheeks.
* *What do you fear?* I fear many things. I fear making a fool of myself, first and foremost. All others are simply an extension. I fear exposing myself -whether sexually, physically, mentally, or emotionally- to anyone, including my closest friends. I fear failure most of all. Failure to live up to expectations (both my own and others), failure to properly execute something, failure to please another. I suppose that in this respect, anything that causes me to make a fool of myself, or expose myself, would humiliate me. I fear being detested or hated, scorned, being laughed at, feeling disgust radiating towards me from someone else; I fear being passed over for another; discrimination; loneliness; a withholding of affection. I fear being used; deprivation of sensation; loss of self-worth; loss of SELF; I fear degradation. I fear rejection.
* *What do you crave?* I crave many things. For this I'll quote my profile. "I need to feel craved, wanted, desired, beautiful. I don't want to feel like a living, breathing pocket pussy. I want to feel wanted, needed, and be repeatedly shown that I am worth the time it takes to arouse me, to take care of me. That I'm worth a 2 hour sex session, over and over and over again; a man who, after giving me an orgasm, and keeps trying, when I say "no, too much!", he keeps going, knowing the amount of pleasure I'll find if I just let loose to the 'pain'. I want someone who can push my sexual boundaries; I want to be able to explore, but feel safe and secure doing so; I want to be, for lack of better terminology, worshiped during sex; I want it to be about give and take; I want BOTH partners to get off not only on what's happening to them, but on what the other is feeling/doing; I want to feel like MORE than just a pussy - I want time to be spent on all parts of my body, not just the ones that interest/arouse my partner; I want a man who knows how to be firm and unyielding, but also how to be patient, reassuring, and loving."
But looking at that statement again, I realize that it needs to be revised after having met You, who challenges me. I realize now that I need to be shown that it's okay to let sex rule my emotions. I don't need to be afraid of my femininity in the sense that my feminine side craves cock, cum, sex. Animalistic and primal instincts are okay to have, and its okay to act on them. I crave pushing my boundaries, learning, exploring, being treated like a cock-whore instead of a good little catholic school girl. I want something different. I'm not a china doll and I don't want to always be treated like one. Yes, I crave intimacy. But I realize that intimacy doesn't always necessarily mean being held in your lovers arms after a slow, gentle lovemaking. Not that there's anything wrong with that, and I admit, I do love the idea. But I want to explore ALL the facets of both sex and love-making. What makes them different? The same? What are the parts of both the I crave unconditionally? I believe that I crave the one-ness that is created, the feeling of being full, the fulfillment, the pleasure I get and give to my partner. I crave the emotional and physical release of letting go, and letting my body rule for once, rather than having to think about it. A quote of Anais Nin comes to mind: *"It's hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That's part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can't refuse anything and can't even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel."*
I do not want to lose any part of myself, oh no. My goal is more to refine who I am, what I have, who I ought to be. I don't want to be shy. I don't want to be insecure. I want to be assured, confident, prideful in who I am and in my achievements. But I also want that chance to let loose. I want to become a woman who rejoices in her sexual side, so much so that she embraces everything that comes her way, and can turn it into something to increase her sexual potence, whether it's name calling, a beating, orgasm denial.... anything. I want to learn how to be a highly sexual creature.... but out of the bedroom, I also want to be taken seriously. I don't want the world to see me as a slut. But for the right man -You- I will be anything You want me to be, whether it's Your sexy little schoolgirl, or a high-pain-tolerance cumslut who desires to be bred.
In light of this information, current humiliation for me includes 'showing off' my body. Dressing in ways I'm uncomfortable with, or sharing thoughts and ideas that I would rather keep hidden. Humiliation would include showing others just how depraved my inner thoughts can be, or being beaten because I cannot perform up to Your standards. Humiliation would be calling me names that I am uncomfortable with, because in my mind, they are untrue to the image that I still hold of myself. But I must quote MrsB here..... * "I only consent to this kind of play with people I trust, because sometimes I carry the shame with me beyond the scene. This is something I do not want. For me, it's not healthy. I have no interest in emotional masochism outside of play. I view shame as a very personal thing. It is related to our own self-images, our self-esteem, how valuable we view ourselves as people. One feels ashamed of oneself. We are each our own harshest critic. We internalize it. It can warp us.
There are lots of ways to prevent this from happening. I need evidence that you care about me despite my exposed flaw. If I don't get some kind of validation from my play partner either during or after a scene involving shame, I may end up hating something about myself, and/or hating the person who made me feel that way. I don't want to resent myself or my partners. The best validation for me is a hard cock. Let me touch it. Fuck me. Have an orgasm brought on by my humiliation. It proves to me that you are just as fucked up as I am, in your own perverted way. That's my aftercare. Then, check in with regularity in the days after. Continue to be my friend/lover/partner. That way I know you, the person I care about and trust, are OK with my flaws, you embrace them even, and I don't have to beat myself up about it."*
****Above all, I believe that lately I've been trying to keep this particular thought in mind:
*I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, His pleasure, His desire, His life, His work, His sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, O, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, to be all that I am capable of doing. But I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at His time, His bidding.*