Congratulations! You have chosen our top-of-the-line Trophy™ model, an elegant piece with a seductive bedside manner, guaranteed to accommodate all your night-time needs! To derive complete satisfaction from your piece, please read the following FAQ before trying to get it together.

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Q. What tools will I need on the job?

A. Universal mounting hardware is essential, and a power tool always comes in handy. Do you have what it takes to drill and screw? How about hammering and nailing? And just how long is your dipstick?

Q. Mind your own business! But will I need a stud-finder?

A. Only if you want to be cuckolded; or if your dipstick is really, really, short.

Q. What if my girlfriend wants to lend a hand?

A. She may change her mind once she sees what you're getting into. In any case, keep her away from the stud-finder!

Q. She says she wants a Trophy™ model for her side of the bed, too.

A. Oh, like that, is she? Well, in that case, I suggest you take one end each. Then you can get your end away while she gets a bit of the other.

Q. Can I handle more than one Trophy™ model at the same time?

A. Only the most experienced handyman should try knocking up two pieces at once. But with your girlfriend to help you? Why not?

Q. Will I need insurance?

A. Not if you take care to sheath your tool. That will provide enough coverage to prevent any conceivable liability.

Q. What are the safety risks?

A. Depending on its size, your tool may be a choking hazard; check with your girlfriend. And be sure to keep any small parts away from children.

Q. My Trophy™ model's cherry... Is it real?

A. More likely it's veneereal. That's the best you can hope for in a Trophy™ model, these days.

Q. I'm ready... How do I get into my Trophy™ model's box?

A. Gently raise the skirt and remove the drawers. It often helps to first grease the wheels. Any alcohol-based lubricant will do, but avoid over-lubricating as this may impair the operation of your tool.

Q. What if I can't get it up?

A. In case of emergency, your Trophy™ model will conjure up a variety of titillating poses for your viewing pleasure. Focus carefully until the erotic images' rays meet.

Q. Huh?

A. Never mind...

Q. Well, what if I get thirsty during the night?

A. Your Trophy™ model has a nice rack to hold your favorite night-time beverage. Grasp with both hands and adjust to the desired position.

Q. I want to uncover the nipples. Is there a catch?

A. Yes; it's around the back. Release it and peel away the cover. On topless models, the nipples are already uncovered.

In my mounting enthusiasm, my power tool tripped the circuit-breaker!

Are you AC/DC?

Absolutely not!

In that case, remove shorts.

Q. Can I trim the bushing?

A. If you insist. Be sure to use plenty of wax.

Q. That was fun! What's next?

A. Slide your hand down over the bushing between your model's legs and feel around for the groove.

Q. This gets better and better! Got it; what now?

A. Insert tongue in groove and move back and forth with a rapid flickering motion. This will open the orifice.

Q. You've got to be kidding! What tongue?

A. That's between you and your girlfriend.

Q. What orifice?

A. To locate the orifice, kneel behind your piece and spread the legs. From this position, the orifice should be clearly visible.

Q. I can see two. What's the other one for?

A. Drainage.

Q. Why does my piece keep rolling around the floor?

A. Too much lubrication, perhaps. Either that, or hysterics.

Q. What can I do about it?

A. Before you start to screw, make sure your piece is securely bedded.

Q. Okay! Next?

A. Holding the legs apart, slide your shaft into the open socket.

Q. What if it doesn't fit?

A. Any resistance can be overcome with patience and a little more lubrication. This problem is more common in original cherry models.

Q. Exactly where should I nail my piece?

A. On-center, at regular intervals.

Q. And what should I do with the parts labeled 'P' and 'O' on the assembly diagram?

A. Hold onto P until you reach O. When forced to release P, stand well clear! Anticipate substantial pressure.

Q. What if my nuts don't fit?

A. Try an adjustable wench.

I think my girlfriend may be getting jealous...

I warned you! Tell her to please herself.

She did already, but she says that DIY is not all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe you could promise to screw her next?

Q. Good idea! Now can I nail my Trophy™ model?

A. Go for it! Enthusiastic hammering is always a good way to finish the job.

Q. Then should I bolt?

A. No! This may cause a breach of the piece. If you feel like bolting, do it before you screw.

Q. What if I don't have my toolkit with me? If I'm away from home, or outdoors, for example?

A. Use a hoe.

And good luck!