It turns out that when you die, you really do go to heaven. I didn’t turn into a ghost and get guided to the pearly gates, though. Nah. Instead I woke up on the floor, which was very hard and definitely not a nice fluffy cloud. It also wasn’t all bright and shiny. I think it was an apartment
Don’t get me wrong, it was a pretty nice apartment. Spacious, full of comfy looking furniture, and there was a big bay window that probably had a really nice view, if some jackass hadn’t covered it up with room darkening curtains.
The jackass in question had to be the fat naked guy in front of me. The dude was just chilling in a lawn chair. There was a really fucking cushy looking armchair right next to him, and this guy was sitting in a lawn chair. Thank god the guy didn’t have a boner. As hard as he was staring at me, I really needed him to not have a boner. Especially since I was naked.
“Uh. Hey bro. What’s going on?” I asked as I stood up and sat in the armchair next to him. Someone needed to sit in the damn thing, so why not me?
“Not much my man. Been sitting here contemplating what to reward you with now that you’re chilling up here in heaven,” the fat guy responded. I think he was Asian.
“Right on brothe- wait, what the fuck? Did you just say heaven?”
“Yeah man. Bad luck about the parachute. Sky diving is usually pretty fun and really gets the blood flowing. Probably a lot less fun when the cord pulls and the ‘chute decides to take the day off, but hey, now you’re here with me.”
“Oh God damn it. I knew I shouldn’t have listened to my stupid ass friends. They finally get me to go sky diving with them and I do a nosedive straight into the ground.”
“Whoa dude, I didn’t damn you. Just bad luck is all,” the fat guy said, lifting one butt cheek off the chair so he could scratch his ass.
“What in the actual fuck are you talking about?” I asked.
“See, you said ‘God damn it’, but I didn’t damn anything. You just had a bad case of Schrodinger’s Cat. It’s a shitty situation, but Lady Luck has to balance the scales somehow.”
“A bad case of... are you talking about Murphy’s Law? Everything that can go wrong will go wrong? Schrodinger was something else entirely. Oh, but more to the point... ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOD!?”
“Well yeah man. You die, you come on up to see me. Unless you’re a real piece of crap. Then you go downstairs and my old pal Lucifer butt fucks you until the end of time or something. Don’t know, haven’t visited him in awhile. Maybe it’s a real nice place down there now.”
“I can’t believe this.”
“I know, the whole death thing is a lot to take in.”
“No, no that’s fine, whatever. I can’t believe you’re Asian! Aren’t you just Buddha then?”
“Hey! Don’t harsh the vibe man. Racism created the schism. Get it? Between Heaven and Hell? Isn’t that the funniest darned thing you ever heard?” the Almighty God himself asked, and started chuckling to himself.
“Uh huh. So... I think you mentioned a reward or something?” I said, trying to keep this surreal conversation on track.
“Alright alright, always gotta rush to the good stuff. Nobody ever stops to smell the roses.”
“The only thing I smell is some serious mildew that I DON’T want to know anything about.”
“Okay daddio, fair enough. Well I’ll tell you what. I can’t think of anything original to reward you with, so I’ll just let you pick. The last person was a woman who I gave 30 cowboys to, and a never ending rodeo. Legend says that she’s still riding those boys to this very day.”
“Riveting. Any limits to what I can ask for?”
“Not really dude. You can’t come back to life, and there won’t be anymore reincarnations after the last time that we accidentally put a mule on the fast track to becoming a human politician.”
“Fine with me, I was getting tired of life anyways. Let me think... hey what about reliving certain parts of my life?”
“That should be just fine, but nothing in the present will actually be affected. It’s like when your wife gives you a weekend pass and actually doesn’t ask you a million questions about it and then punish you for using it. No one will ever know or remember anything you change, except you. But you can live it for as long as you want. You can go back and decide to get a sex change and live your whole life as a woman, or you can go back and punch out a bully and come right back. Use it however you want, because you have all eternity!”
“Sweet. That sounds like a great deal to me. You know I’m going to use this all for sexcapades right?”
“I kind of figured. I’m cool with it. Remember when I mentioned Lady Luck earlier? Well, she’s coming over to suck my dick since I fucked with your parachute, so I need you out of here,” God said while slowly popping a boner right in front of me. I was going to comment on the fact that he just admitted to fucking me over so he could get a blowjob, but I didn’t want to stick around to see him get his rocks off.
“Just walk through the closet door over there while thinking about what you want to change. Oh, and one last thing.”
“What’s up?”
“No underaged shit. I don’t really care, but the angels would start the Apocalypse if I let you do that up here.”
“No problem. I’m out of here. Enjoy getting lucky. Prick.”
“What was that?”
“Oh uh... I said ‘Enjoy the... sucky... dick?’ Yeah that’s definitely what I said. Bye now!”
I hurried through the closet door...