I have wondered if I am simply another woman in midlife crisis mode. No one wakes up and one day and decides to be that walking cliche. How tacky is it to be the wife everyone hears stories about and shakes their head disapprovingly thinking, "it sounds exciting, but of course I would never cheat."

I will be honest with anyone and tell them that I lived my life, for the past 19 years, mostly on autopilot. I met my husband 23 years ago in college, we dated, we married, we had 2 children, we argued, we made up, we got caught up in daily stressors and sometimes we cared enough to fuck each other. I was obviously aware that some married couples cheat, but it also seems like a bit of a movie plot to me. I do not know anyone personally who will admit to even having fantasies about others outside of their marriages. I was someone who would have most likely judged even a close friend if they tried to confide in me about something they were thinking of engaging in.

I see clearly what I am doing, and you probably can as well. Here I am, trying to give you some pure, goody goody background on me, coat your mind with details of how average and innocent I was. The truth is, even if it had not crossed my mind to go out and actively find a person to engage in extramarital sex with, I certainly always had a healthy imagination. My husband and I have role played doctor and patient, teacher and school girl, teenagers too young for sex, and yes, most definitely I have spurred him down the path of, "but, what if my husband comes home and catches us?" He goes along with it, after all it's just words. There is no harm in being a little silly and changing up who we are and what we want in bed. My problems began when those feelings of being unfulfilled spilled over into our play, and pushed him a little past his comfort zone. Honestly, where I led him barely entered the doors to my erotic fantasy world. He took a peek inside and I scared the fuck out of him. And here we have it all over again, another cliched reason to look for outside satisfaction. My husband, after all these years, was really just too damn vanilla for my tastes and we both now clearly saw that truth starring us in the face at 45 years old. It's a perfect storm. I think after I begin to explain more, you will understand that when the wind started to pick up, I do not think you can fault me for finding shelter in another man's arms.