Someone Please Call AT&T & Shut Off My Phone, I Need To Get Laid

"Right. That's what I said. That's what I said, Dee. " Jenna paused and frowned. She was pacing the foyer of the large house and grimacing. "Brandi had the BALLS to call me and say that she bought the exact same dress I have been covetting. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?" She nodded. "Yes. Can you believe that? What a flaming bitch. I thought she was my friend, but friend's do not do this to friends. No. This is so wrong, Dee. So very wrong on so many levels. Like OH MY GOD what a ho! I really can't believe-" Silence. Then a yawn. "Yes, Dee, I know you hate Brandi. Take this time to remind me why you hate Brandi. Please." Another pause. "Oh yes, go right ahead."

"Can I take this time to remind you that I am alive and listening?" came the voice of her fiance. Jenna glanced down the hallway and toward the sound of Paul's voice. He was sitting at the kitchen table with his cheeks in his palms. Growling. That meant he was pissed. Mad pissed.

"Dee? Yo, Dee, I have to call you back. Paul is pissed."

"Paul is NOT pissed," he groaned.

"Yeah Dee, from the look of it, it's bad. I gotta go."

"Paul is not pissed," he repeated.

Jenna nodded. "Okay, Dee. Love you too. And Dee? Dee? You there?" The next pause was followed by laughter. "Fuck, he is loud! What the fuck is he doing?" Silence. "Riding a what? A fire truck? Are you serious? No wait, I don't even want to know. I have to go. Love you, Dee." Pause. "I'll call you tomorrow." Pause. "Okay, bye babe."

Paul sighed with victory as his fiancee finally hung up the phone. This was a common problem in their relationship: he was never home and Jenna was always attached at the conch to a telephone. That meant, when he was home, he had to pry her pretty little hands off the handset if he wanted to spend quality time with her. At this rate, he'd have to plan the wedding. And the minister would be AT&T. Yes. It was that bad. He sighed again. "Thank fuck you're finally off that god awful phone."

"What died in your Cheerios?" Jenna grinned, taking a seat across the oak table. "I love you, Paulie, but you have been in a shitty mood all week long."

Paul shrugged and pushed his chair back from the table to stretch his legs. "I have three weeks vacation and my fiancee has spent the first week of that time attached at the lobe to a plastic electronic device."

"I sucked your cock last night," Jenna defended with a frown. "You said that was-"

"Jen?"

Jenna lowered her gaze and widened her pupils. Her puppydog face was in full effect. "Yeah, baby?"

"Sucking my cock is great, I'm not complaining but that's not 'quality time'."

Jenna ignored this, piping back into her animated mood and sitting up in her chair. "So did you hear what that flaming bitch Brandi did?"

Paul placed his head down on the table top and sighed. "YES!"

"OH MY GOD," Jenna exhaled. "She went to the store and INTENTIONALLY bought the dress that-"

Paul sat up at the familiar sound. "Jesus christ, here we go again."

Jenna wiggled her eyebrows and cleared her throat as she answered the ringing phone. "Hello?" Pause. "OH MY GOD. Yes, Tom. You heard? Dee called you? Yes, can you believe this?"

"Like oh my god, I cannot believe that she said that she said that he said that she said that…OH MY GOD," Paul mocked in an angered but amused tone.

Jenna paid him no attention, instead placing her elbows back onto the table as she spoke. "Yes, it's unbelieveable that she would do this!" Pause, silence. "No, I never would have thought she was such a two-faced whore." Pause. "Yes, can you believe it?"

"No," Paul groaned and placed his head back onto the table.

"She's such a lowlife, Tom. Seriously. Who does that?" Jenna barely paused before adding, "You are definitely right. We shouldn't invite her to the Baby Shower."

"BABY SHOWER?" Paul shrieked, jumping up in his seat, his voice cracking. "You're not…..not….."

Jenna cupped a hand over the phone and frowned. "Of course not, jackass."

"Then who?" Paul questioned, eyebrows still raised.

Jenna ignored this and returned her attention to the telephone and Tom. "Right. I say we vote her off the island, Tom. Seriously. She's no good. Did Dee tell you about the time she-" Pause. "Yes, Tom. I understand. Yes, homework is important." Silence.

Paul grinned. "Thank Christ!"

"Yes Tom. You do good on your Finals tomorrow, and we'll see you at the Planning Party. Yes. Okay, love you too. Night." Jenna pressed "End" and smiled. "Why on earth would you think I was pregnant?"

Paul was slightly taken aback by this and shrugged. "You said that…"

"Paul?"

"Yes, Jen?"

"Did I say that I was pregnant?"

"No," Paul smiled. "And thank god for that. I just bought this house and our belongings are still in boxes. I'd like to actually unpack them sometime before we birth any little-"

"Yuck," Jenna ignored her fiancé and frowned. "Can you imagine me pregnant? I would be so fat and hideous and…I'd have stretch marks and-"

Paul shook his head and sighed. "Alright, can we discuss this now?"

"Discuss what?"

"JEN!" Paul groaned, annoyed. "Jenna Renee Hastings, would you listen to me?"

"Maybe, Paul Joseph Thomas," Jenna grinned. "Maybe. What's in it for-"

The sound lit fury in Paul's eyes. He shoved his fists into his pockets, hoping against hope that, for once, Jenna would not actually be predictable and-

"Hello?" Jenna inquired, smiling as she answered the telephone that was still clutched in her hand. "Oh hey, Jules. Yes. OH MY GOD. Did Dee call you?" There was a pause. "Tom, called you? Yes, I just talked to her." Paul rolled his eyes and groaned. "Yes, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? What a skank. I can't stand her now and I-" Jenna nodded. "Yes, you are so right, Jules. I never should have allowed her to be my friend. I am too good for her. You're so right. Yes. WHAT?" Jenna shrieked and slammed her fist down onto the table. "OH NO HE DIDN'T! HE WHAT?" Her breath grew shallow. "JOEL PROPOSED TO HILARY?"

"WHAT?" Paul shrieked in echo of his fiancee.

Jenna glared at him. "OH MY GOD JULIA! OH MY GOD! That's not even funny. Do not do that to me EVER again! You are so not- JULIA STOP LAUGHING AT ME! That's not even funny." Jenna rolled her eyes. Paul sighed with relief. It was a joke, thank fucking God. "Julia Madden, you are bonkers! Entirely bonkers. That wasn't even funny. You got Paul upset." Pause. "Yes, he's sitting right here." Pause. "I doubt he wants to talk to Benji, because he's anti-telephone today." Pause. "Yes, he was just lecturing me on how I have the cordless attached to my ear at all times. Which is so not true, as you know. I do not have it attached to my ear." Pause. "Right. Like when we have sex, I don't have the phone on my ear." Pause. "And when I'm in the shower." Pause. "And-"

Jenna gasped loudly as Paul reached across the table and grabbed the phone quickly from her grasp. He smirked at her, slipping his tongue ever so slightly forward as he cleared his throat, and stated, "Julia? Yeah, hi. Look, I'm trying to have a serious discussion with my fiancee but she keeps interrupting me to answer the phone." Pause. "Yes, it's a bad time. Sorry, Jules. She'll call you back." Pause. "Tell Benj I'll call him back, too." Pause. "Yes, Julia, we love you both too. Take care now."

Paul pressed "End" with a sigh of relief and glared at Jenna. "I was speaking to you."

"I know," Jenna smirked. "And the phone rang."

Paul rolled his eyes at this. "Jen, am I getting through to you at all?"

Jenna crossed her legs and placed her elbows on the table. "I guess not. The phone rang and we were-"

"I KNOW THE FUCKING PHONE RANG!" Paul roared, slamming his fists onto the table and causing the entire piece to shake. "Fucking get over the fucking telephone before I throw it into the pool!"

"We have others," Jenna smiled politely.

"Jen?"

"Yeah, baby?" she questioned demurely. She was playing with him. She did this. Often, in fact. When it came to Paul, Jenna always got her way and she knew it. So she played her advantage and toyed with him. Brought him close to the level of rage, then backed off. It was like a game to her. She loved to play it, Paul hated it.

Paul growled. "Jen, if you don't cut this shit I am going to get in my car and leave."

"You'll come back," Jenna smiled surely.

"I doubt that," he shook his head in the negative. "I've really fucking had it with-"

"So what do you want to talk about?" Jenna smiled. She was definitely playing the game. He was certain of that now.

Paul sighed. He wasn't going to play the game, but he was going to have this conversation. "Jen, I only have two weeks left at home and we have done nothing to unpack."

Jenna shrugged. "I don't mind living out of boxes."

"I do," Paul argued. "And we haven't spent a single day together lounging by the pool. That's why I had them put the pool in, Jen. So we could lay together and I could watch you-"

"Sunbathe nude," Jenna winked. "Mmmhmm, I love my dirty Paulie!"

"Well, would you treat your dirty Paulie right?" Paul winked back. "Fuck, I'm feeling pretty forgotten right now."

"Oh baby," Jenna mocked him in a condescending tone. "I can make it better, tell Jenna what's wrong."

"JEN!" Paul warned, angrily.

"Seriously, Paulie," Jenna shook her head and grinned. "You know what I think would solve the problem you are presenting?"

"What problem am I presenting?" Paul questioned, curiously.

Jenna cleared her throat and grinned. "Well, according to you, I live with a telephone attached to my earlobe 24-7-365. According to me, that's an exaggeration. But either way, you are feeling neglected and my little ego is hurting. Because Brandi is a twatlicker. And-" Paul rolled his eyes. "I think I know what we can do to have some quality time together."

Paul raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Jenna hopped out of her chair and smirked. Her hair and breasts bounced as she hopped in place. "I'll meet you in our bedroom in two seconds, naked." With that, she ran off and left Paul sitting at the table alone.

He sighed. "My fiancee is a fucking lunatic."

"I HEARD THAT!" Jenna yelled from the few doors down. From the sound of her voice, she was in their bathroom. Hopefully changing into something sexier than sweatpants. Probably just peeing.

Paul sighed.

"Are you in the bedroom yet?" Jenna yelled.

Paul frowned and stared at the talking door. "No, I'm staring at the door."

"Go get naked!" Jenna demanded.

"It's pretty hard to be demanding when you've locked yourself inside the bathroom and I can hear you pissing," Paul laughed.

There was silence, then a flush. Jenna's unamused voice followed. "Fine, if you want me to call Julia back I can do that right now, instead of riding your cock and making you-"

Paul ran into the bedroom and belly flopped onto their king-sized mattress. "I'M NAKED!" He scrambled to quickly remove his bulky, gray Zoo York sweatshirt and Dickies. He was definitely overdressed for sitting around the house listening to Jenna jabber. Yes. But pretty soon, he would be underdressed for success. He grinned. Yes, finally he'd get some attention. He grinned ridiculously again and glanced expectantly at the doorway.

The phone rang.

"JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTDKHJKLGJGDGDKGHDGLDGDKGJDKGJGKLSDJG," Paul growled loudly.

Jenna appeared in their bedroom doorway and giggled. "I won't answer it, baby. Right now, it's just us." Paul stared at his fiancé standing there so innocently. She was dressed in a miniature black plaid skirt- some might refer to it as schoolgirl-esque- that he had never seen before. No doubt a recent purchase on one of Jen and Julia's lavish shopping sprees. Come to think of it, he might have to blame Dee too. Dee definitely led Jen astray in the mall, as well. Either way. Who cares? The skirt is hot. And the matching…

"What is that?" Paul pointed and drooled.

"This?" Jenna tugged gently on her miniscule blouse. "It's a bra, Paul. They have those on your planet, yes?"

Paul frowned. "Don't ruin the mood!"

"Did you see these?" Jenna squealed, pointing to her shoes, black PVC platforms that laced up to her knees. "Aren't they hot?"

Paul nodded. "Yes, baby, they are hot. And you look beautiful in them!"

Jenna cheered, ran and dove onto Paul and the bed. She straddled his hips and grinned. "I got them on Clearance at Hot Topic."

"I thought you hated Hot Topic?"

"I do," Jenna nodded. "It's lame, but Dee forced me to go in there and then Julia spotted these shoes and they…spoke to me. Paulie, they actually spoke to me. They said, ‘Take me home, Paul will love me'."

Paul laughed at this and brushed a strand of Jenna's blonde hair out of her face. "You're crazy, baby."

Jenna nodded and giggled again. "I know and you love me for it." The phone rang again, but to Paul's delight, she ignored it, instead leaning forward and placing her lips to his. The kiss was short and sweet, Jenna pulling back to lick her lips. "Mmm, you always taste so good."

"Better than you?" Paul grinned.

Jenna shrugged. "I don't know what I taste like."

Paul smirked as he gripped her hips. "I could…show you."

Jenna smirked back. She pressed her lips back to Paul's, and sighed into their kiss. His tongue was so moist, so soft. His teeth even seemed to taste perfectly clean. It must be the vanilla toothpaste. He always tasted good, but never this good. Smokers shouldn't taste this good.

Without breaking the kiss, Paul's right hand slid slowly off Jenna's hip. Lower. Down her thigh. Lower. She moaned slightly. Lower. He trailed his fingertips ever-so-slightly against her skin. She cooed. Lower. He inched his thumb between her thighs, placing soft pressure onto her moist panties. She cooed again. Lower. Harder. His fingers moved into further position. He slid her panties aside and grinned. "You want this?"

Jenna simply sighed and tried to nod. Her head was resting on his chest, and she could hear his heart was racing already. She smiled languidly at this, and at the sensation of his thumb pressed firmly against her clitoris. His fingers were rough, calloused. The added stimulation felt like sweet nectarines of heaven. So poetic and beautiful and-

Paul slipped a finger inside her folds and smirked. "You're like a rainforest already, baby."

"You get me so hot," Jenna sighed, her eyes shut tight in pleasure.

Paul continued to work his finger slowly inside her, before he smirked down into her eyes. "You ready for this?"

"Mmm," Jenna cooed.

He extracted his finger and grinned lasciviously as he raised it to Jenna's lips. "Taste yourself, baby. You taste so good." Jenna parted her lips slowly, flicking the tip of her tongue outward and sliding down Paul's finger. Paul grinned at this and ran his left hand up into her long blonde hair. "Tastes so sweet, right?"

Jenna nodded and swallowed down herself. "But now I want to taste you!"

At the simple sound of her words, Paul felt himself coming to life. He sighed. "Baby, you don't have to do that tonight. I just want-"

Jenna sat up and straddled his hips again, smirking. "Shut up, Paulie. The student wants to teach the teacher."

"You've been such a naughty little schoolgirl," Paul smiled, slapping her ass playfully. "So so bad." He drew in a deep breath, he could practically taste Jenna's perfume. It was expensive, he knew that much. He had bought her the bottle in Europe, as a surprise. She had showed him her appreciation for the gift, orally. He grinned at the memory. Jenna's hand inside his boxers snapped him back to reality and he laughed. "Don't rush it, baby."

"I'm hungry," Jenna grinned.

"Me too," Paul frowned. "Fuck, why did we skip lunch?"

He earned a stern slap on the chest from Jenna for this. "I meant for YOU!"

"Oh," Paul stammered.

Jenna winked. Her grip enclosed his growing erection and she squeezed him gently. "Hungry for this." Her grip seemed to ease, and then she tightened her fingers again. Paul growled with frustration. "I'm hungry for this inside me." Paul nodded and Jenna leaned forward. He realized that somewhere in his momentary lapse of consciousness, she had remove her bra. She was topless and her abundant breasts were just inches from his lips. God, she was going to drive him crazy like this. "I'm hungry for your cock, Paulie," Jenna repeated. "I want you inside me. Do you want to be inside me?"

"Oh god yes," he moaned, head thrown back into the pillows.

"Where?" Jenna questioned playfully.

Paul moaned again.

Jenna squeezed his balls and smirked. "Where do you want to be inside me?"

"Fuck," Paul coughed. "Fuck, Jen. Just fucking…Jen!"

"Yes, Paulie?" she taunted.

"Don't do this to me, baby!" he pleaded. "Fuckin…Jen, I gotta fuck you! Please, just fucking…"

"Put it inside me, Paulie," Jenna continued to flirt. "Wherever your little heart desires." She blushed at her own words and gyrated her hips against his abdomen. "Paulie, I need you. Decide. Because I want you now."

Paul growled with the effort of sitting up. He lifted his tiny fiancée as if she were nothing, and placed her down on the bed. Within seconds, he had torn her skirt off and tossed it across the room. Literally, torn. Jenna had frowned at the sound of the tear, but she had simply wiggled her hips and begged him to be inside her. "Paulie, please!"

"Fuck," he hissed as he rolled a condom into place. "Fuck, Jen. I've missed this."

"Me too, baby," she smiled.

Paul grinned. "You ready for me, baby?"

Jenna nodded excitedly, leaning up on her elbows to watch. "I love it when you fuck me hard, Paulie. Fuck me so hard the neighbors can hear!"

"The closest neighbors are half a mile away," Paul laughed, hovering just outside her tight body.

"Still," Jenna smiled. "Fuck, put it inside me!"

Paul blushed and worked the head of his erection inside her body. "You're so fucking tight, baby. How do you stay so fucking tight?"

Jenna grinned. "Exercise!" With that, she managed to flip her fiancé onto his back and place herself on top. "I wanted to ride you," she blushed as he stared up at her curiously. "Mmm, baby, I wanted to be on top."

"You wanted me to be the bitch, huh?" Paul questioned, amused.

"You know it," Jenna winked.

"Tell me what you want to do to me!" Paul demanded, running his hands up her legs. To her hips. Caressing the soft skin. Up to her stomach. Her pierced belly-button. Her soft chest. Her breasts. He paused at his favorite part of his fiancee's body and massaged her nipples slowly, tenderly. He cupped her breasts in his hands and stared up into her eyes. "Do you like that, baby?"

"You know I do."

"What do you want me to do next?" Paul questioned, pinching her nipples softly.

Jenna moved her hips. Her pleasure was emitted in slight yips of sound, and the glorious grin plastered across her face. "Baby, you're so big."

"You always say that," Paul laughed.

"It's true," Jenna winked. "Mmm, Paulie, I love your cock."

Paul laughed at this.

"I want you to fuck me so hard with your big-"

The familiar noise was lost to Paul. He was lost in the sensation of Jenna's hips swirling, his cock buried deep inside her body, and the warmth of her breasts still cradled in his palms. Jenna smirked at the lucid expression on his face as she said softly, "Hello?" Pause. "OH MY GOD, ROSE! Yes. What? WHAT? Rose, calm down, what's wrong? What's wrong, Rose?"

Paul opened his eyes and stared up at his fiancée, incredulously. "You're fucking me and talking on the fucking phone?"

Jenna silenced him with a wave of her hand. "Calm down, Rose. Rose, I can't understand you. Sweetie, take a breath. Okay." Silence. "What did Julia say? Rose? Honey, what did Julia say?" Pause. Laughter. "Rose, that was a fucking joke. Julia was joking."