Author's Note - Hey. I just wanted to let you guys know that this story is still basically porn. If that's what you're looking for, just do a word search for "cock," "tumescent," or "mariachi band." That should get you there in jig time.

The other thing I wanted to say is that this story has two happy endings, and no, I don't mean the professional massage kind. The first one occurs in the middle, and if you stop there, it's pretty positive. Maybe too easy, but a happy ending nonetheless.

The second comes later, and it isn't as easy. I'm not trying to claim it's a harrowing read that bares the emptiness inside humanity or anything. It's still porn, remember? I just want people to know. I know I have a tendency to give people what I want for myself. And sometimes, I just want to know if all this shit is going to be worth it. I like happy endings that come after shitty times. I have to believe that shitty things eventually lead to less shitty things if you just keep going.

Anyway, dear reader. There's a happy ending. Just keep going.

Promise.

* * *

Sarah loved her voice. She hated everything else, but her voice was golden. She did voice acting and while she managed to play minor roles in a couple of games, anime, and cartoon dubs, most of her prolific work involved adult titles. She had played desperate horny housewives, seductive teachers, and villainous vamps. If she wasn't so cripplingly shy, she'd probably have a good singing voice too.

She hated everything else, and in her mind, for good reason. She was tall and skinny but not in a model way, more like a scrawny and wrung out way, but for some reason, with a perpetual tummy bump. She felt hard pressed to describe the rest of herself. She had a face, and the sum of its parts were incredibly average. Her eyes were blue, but apparently not very functional. She had terrible vision, necessitating thick glasses. She had boobs. They were on her chest. She had hay-colored hair that seemed perpetually dry, and frizzled easily. She felt like a misguided Halloween costume from the line of "Sexy Scarecrows."

But her voice...

"You have failed, Bryn of Laria, your husband's soul is mine!" her voice was a sensual growl, smiling with malicious triumph. She was behind her DM screen, an impromptu fortress of three-ring binders. "Forever trapped away from you even in death - never to feast and drink within the halls of the Horned King."

"You fiend!" her friend Eve shouted. "I'll... I'll find a way. You haven't beaten us yet."

"My character sheaths her battle axe and puts an arm around Bryn, whispering," and here, Jade cleared her throat and used her best barbarian voice, "it'll be okay, Bryn. I promise we won't stop until we do."

"Okay..." Alex raised a hand slightly, and they all waited as she thought about her next act. "Okay. Umm, I want to start sneaking behind the sorceress..."

"Sure thing, I like your blood thirstiness" Sarah said, "but, let me finish monologuing and then we can get this show on the road. Ahem, dark necrotic energies swirl around her as she begins walking away from you towards the open nether gate. She turns around, walking backwards as she continues..."

Sarah stood up, her voice rising to barely constrained condescending megalomaniacal glee, "I see you little rogue, do you think I could be stopped by a sharp edge and some sideways walking! You'll never take the Amulet of Hirothar as long as I draw breath. Goodbye my little Widow Warrior, it will be a pity when I have to kill you. Your anguish lightens my days." Pause. Arrogant smirk. "Ha ha ha ha..." Sarah drew her head back and turned away from her group. "HA HA HA!" Deep breath. "MWAHAHAHA!"

She turned around quickly, her fingers in one hand facing up and coming together to a point. "And scene."

Her friends grinned at each other, giving her an appreciative round of golf claps. "We'll have to skip this next week since you're going on a trip for spring break, right Al?"

"Um. Yeah. Um, sorry guys," Alex said, her head down. "My family's going to Korea to see their grandma, I mean, my grandma, my mom's mom, and I'm going to go too, umm. I've never met her."

"Sounds like it'll be fun," Sarah said. "It's no problem. I need to do some extra studying over the week anyway."

"Psssh." Eve rolled her eyes and then continued rolling them. "Pssssssh! Whatever. You sleep through every class and ace every exam."

"Only in CS," Sarah said. "I have Spanish and fucking Biology too."

This time her friend Jade chimed in. "Oh Sarah, there's plenty of videos online about fucking biology if you look."

Sarah smiled nervously at this, but covered it up by speaking in her best nature documentary voice, "Observe how the oversized glans of the Pizza Boy begin to expand as the Housewife digitally and orally stimulates his testicles."

This got a laugh, and Jade proceeded to say, "I would kill to see the Bangtan Boys."

"Yeah, right," Eve said. "They're just hanging out at the airport when you get in."

"I know they're like super famous or whatever. But you'll be in the same country."

"Um, I think... um, that mostly we'll just be seeing family," Alex said. "I'm not really into, um, Korean guys."

"Whaaat?!" Jade stood up, on the verge of her own dramatic proclamations. "They're so very pretty. I just want to... pet them."

She pantomimed the motion of stroking luscious Asian boy band hair as she leered into space. "Plus," Jade continued. "Asian guys go crazy for white women."

"Umm..." Alex said. "That's not... really relevant to me."

"Just saying," Jade continued smoothly, her hand now sweeping across in one motion, "that I would build myself an Asian boy harem. And they would dance for my pleasure. And cook for me. Massage me as a squad. Oh! Play LoL with me, and..."

"It's almost a shame you can barely talk to boys," Sarah said.

"Hey! You wanna take this outside,?" Jade said, rotating her clenched fists in the manner of an old timey boxer.

"Aren't there like... bears outside?" Sarah replied. "Okay, look! Love you guys, but I gotta get to bed! Take the snacks, I don't like leftovers and goooo!"

After the dice were cleaned up, the hugs were exchanged, and the snacks were doled out, Sarah shut the door to her dorm room. The last thing she heard was her friend Jade saying something along the lines of, "... and Thailand has tom-dees and ladyboys that I would give my left tit to..."

She smiled with a shake of her head. She loved her friends, and while it took some work and many failures, she loved herself too. Mostly.

But in these moments, when her friends left and she was in her room with its Full Metal Alchemist and Nier: Automata posters on the wall, her Steven Universe figurines on her desk, and non-six-sided dice strewn about, she felt a pang of something and wasn't sure what it was.

She loved being a nerd, but that wasn't why she did it. She just did. Even if she didn't live in a time where the biggest movies of the year were Marvel films, and she couldn't disseminate Steve / Bucky slash fiction onto Tumblr where a legion of fans devoured it, she'd still be strange. It was a great time to be strange - nerd culture was just culture now.

And celebrating it with her friends in a space like this, accepted, safe, and loved, she should be happy. And she was. Mostly.

Sarah realized she had been scratching the outside of her arm with her fingernails, gouging them into herself, leaving faint pink welts on her skin. She shook her head and dropped her arm.

Things were good, she told herself. And this was the best of all timelines. She believed it and wished it actually made her feel better.

* * *

Sarah sat by herself in the dining hall, also known as The Slop by its students, since it was Loppe Hall. She had a grilled cheese and fries on a plate nearby as she drank Diet Mountain Dew. She was going through the reading for biology when she was aware of someone approaching her.

She ignored it until the figure stopped at her table. She looked up.

The letterman jacket was open and she could see the t-shirt underneath strained around his muscles. He wasn't overly built, just very fit. She could see his toned torso led up to broad shoulders and tapered down to his flat stomach. He was part of the wrestling team according to his jacket. He had dark hair cut short so that it stuck up by itself, dark brown eyes below well-defined eyebrows, and blemish free olive skin. He had a cute smile, shy and friendly, and mysteriously, he seemed to have intended to come up to her table to talk to her.

"Can I help you?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but you're in my bio class, right?"

Realization dawned on her and she nodded. "Oh."

"I missed class on Monday and..."

"Yup yup," she said. "What's your email? I can send you my notes."

He squirmed a bit and said. "Umm, send it to... Samantha Vines Lover, Vines, like with an N. At Jmail.com."

Her eyes shot open, her fingers slowed and she looked up. "Is that a reference to Samantha Vines from the Riskworld novels?"

"Ha ha, yeah, I... got the email address when I was younger. My mom was a huge fan, so I read them too."

"I..." she looked around conspiratorially, and while no one was paying attention, the dining room was full at this time of day. "Can I show you something?"

"Sure."

She pulled the neck of her t-shirt down and to one side. She then bent over slightly, showing off a tattoo on her upper left chest of a stylized police badge that had two hippos and an owl over a river with a cross that had a weird loopy part. The badge said, "A.M.C.W. 177."

"Oh, umm..." he smiled nervously. "Is that... from Riskworld?"

Her face reddened and she coughed. She fixed her shirt and shook her head. "Sorry about that. Didn't mean to get weird on you."

"No, I'm sorry!" he said, seemingly genuinely apologetically. "I remember the stories and stuff, and I really do like them. It's just been a while, and I didn't remember the badge number. I didn't connect it right away."

"No no," she shook her head, "it's fine. I'm kind of a geek. As if you couldn't tell," she gestured to herself.

She looked down at her laptop again, "anyway. If you ever miss class again just let me know."

He was still staring at her with guilt written all over his face. She found this irritating. He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. Look, I really appreciate you opening up to me about something you find important enough to tattoo onto your body. I mean it."

She narrowed her eyes at him. She couldn't find anything but forthright honesty in his dark eyes. "You don't have to apologize for not being interested and you don't have to apologize for my feelings on it, because there wasn't any harm there. I am totally used to me being too obsessed with stuff, and I'm totally used to not, like... ranting about things no one cares about. It's not a big deal."

He looked uncertain, and he looked down. "Is that... a Dungeons and Dragons book?"

Anger burned in Sarah as she followed his gaze, and tried to radiate as much ice as possible. "Yup. Another one of those dorky things that dorky people do. In our mothers' basements in the dead of night, covered in Cheeto dust and drowning in Mountain Dew. Is there anything else you want?"

His smile weakened and melted as she talked self-deprecatingly of one of her favorite things to do every week.

"I, umm..."

It occurred to Sarah that this jock was actually nervous talking to her. She was often in her own head enough to have escape plans in case of bear attacks, or if there was a poison cloud nearby, or even if her left leg suddenly decided to just stop working. A hot boy was nervous while trying to socialize with her, and there were no contingency plans for such a situation in her mind.

As a geek girl who was often the only vaguely female-shaped thing in male-dominated geek spaces, she had been approached by many, many suitors. She had dated lots of them too. Nervousness or awkwardness was not unusual in those cases.

This young man, with his perfect teeth, strong jawline, and yoked out bod was sitting here, nervously making small talk with her. About Riskworld and D&D.

"I used to play it when I was a kid with my mom," he coughed and his smile resumed at full wattage. "And I played it with my friends in middle school, but I gave it up."

"How come?" She asked, despite herself.

"Well," he shrugged, looking down, "my mom used to DM for us, and... I mean. At this point, my dad got me into sports and stuff. Then I was 'too cool' to be doing that sort of thing anymore. Say... do you..."

"To be fair, you probably are," Sarah said.

His smile froze for a second, and then he laughed lightly. "Right. Anyway, thanks for the notes. I'll see you in class?"

Sarah waved him off, "yup yup."

She finished eating, went to class, studied, bought a bag of chips, ate the bag of chips, and took a nap. Sarah went to another class, hung out at the pond, and then went home. She watched some Netflix, ate some leftovers, and went to bed.

Exactly nineteen hours, thirty-two minutes later, Sarah sat bolt upright in bed and shouted at her cat, Ifrit, who was on her feet. "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!"

Ifrit, stared at her, and then looked away, like a spurned Victorian lover - all stoicism and weariness. The unspoken words that he found himself unwilling to even bother with were, "oh, I think you know what you did."

She reached over to the nightstand and got her phone She opened up the email she had sent him that contained her notes and stared at the screen, before deciding on typing in:

oh hey if you wanna dnd sometime with us, let me know. One of us our players will be gone next week if you wanna do a one shot. heres my number if this is easier for ya

Sarah was the type of person who removed punctuation in an effort to appear more casual in emails and text messages. Truthfully, everytime she made an intentional grammatical error, it made her a little more empty inside.

She sent it and nodded with a job well-done.

She checked the time. It was 4:11 in the morning. Not a time when perfectly normal healthy people sent e-mails.

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?! Is this going to look weird? Shit! What if his phone is turned on and it wakes him up?"

Ifrit licked his butthole scornfully, as if to imply that her words and petty concerns were more foul than his task at hand.

"You're no help at all," she said. "Besides..."

She shook her head, getting rid of a silly thought and went back to bed.

* * *

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for the invitation! I definitely would love to get into your game and roll some dice! Let me know what time, where, and if you want me to bring anything!

J

She looked at his email and stared at it. Perfect punctuation and complete sentences.

"Is this what love feels like?" she asked Ifrit.

Ignoring her and without remorse, he pushed her bowl of cereal onto the floor. In the early morning light, his face seemed somehow more beautiful, augmented by callous cruelty and disdain. Perhaps she loved him because he was honest in a world where people obfuscated with polite lies.

"Aww, bad kitty!" She said, giving him cat treats.

* * *

"So who's this random guy you invited?" This was Jade, who was setting up the card table in the middle of Sarah's dorm room.

"Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's fine, but..." Eve trailed off, holding a grocery bag of snacks.

"I know," Sarah said.

And it was hard to phrase exactly what it was that Sarah knew. What they all knew.

They've all been the only woman in the group before, and it's not like the guys they played with were bad people. They were just guys, but that didn't mean guys were bad exactly. It just meant that...

It meant that when they put together an all girls D&D group, it was different. It'd been nice.

There was a knock at the door as the table and then the chairs were added. The computer chair was swiveled over from her desk to be her DM chair, and three folding chairs were set-up, taken from their usual hiding spot in the tiny closet.

Jade walked over to the door and opened it.

"Hey!" Jay waved. "I'm Jay. I..."

Jade shut the door. She turned around as if rotating on a wheel.

"What the fuck, Jade?! Let him in!" Sarah said, wide-eyed.

"That's Jay?" Jade asked.

"Yes!"

She nodded. "Could you ask him if we could touch his abs?"

"Holy fuck, Jade! You... how many times have guys asked to touch your boobs?" Sarah asked.

"Was he that hot?" This was Eve, who munched on a baby carrot.

Jade's head nodded emphatically. "Open a window, Sarah, it's going to get humid in here." She said, fanning her crotch region.

"First, gross. Second," Sarah said, "I actually think he might be a decent guy. Not just nice, but... "

"Please," Eve said. "You don't know anything about him. Pretty people have that effect though. Just being decent makes them amazing people."

Sarah sighed. "Open the door or get out of the way."

Jade turned around and opened the door. "Hey! Sorry, Sarah was in the nude still, so she was changing."

"Jade!"

"Yup," Jade went on. "You know girls. Just hanging around comparing boob sizes, firmness, and perkiness."

"Right," Jay nodded. "It's the same in the lockers. Constant sword fights and casual handies. It's good for relieving the stress from the matches."

Jade's eyes went wide. "Really?" She practically drooled at the thought.

"Yeah, the coach has us line up, and you just jerk the guys next to you," he said, standing upright and spreading his arms, moving them as if he was operating a pair of skis with a limited range of motion.

"R... really?"

He laughed and smiled, and Sarah waved him in. "Come on in, no more tits, just crits."

"That's... when you roll a 20 on a d20," Eve said.

"Yeah, I know," Jay said, but in a pleasant way with a smile.

Eve went red in the face. "Ohmigod, I just nerdsplained to you."

"It's okay! I probably look like a neanderthal dragging my club into here, but I actually have dice. I actually just bought them today."

"I thought you played before?" Sarah asked.

"I... threw it all away," he said, and the smile looked a little strained.

Was that a fib? Was there more to that? Sarah hated how she was so suspicious of Jay.

"What are we doing tonight?" asked Eve.

"Well, I figure since we have a new person with us, we could do a one shot," Sarah said, walking towards the door. "And since he hasn't played in a while, I was thinking just an easy romp through some-"

She turned off the lights.

Suddenly, her voice boomed out in the dark, a demonic roar as she turned on her phone's flashlight to illuminate her face from below.

"FOOLS! Your travels have taken you to the ends of the world, and the ENDS OF YOUR SANITY! Every shadow hides either your paranoid fantasies, or perhaps hides an ACTUAL DEMON TRYING TO FUCK YOUR SOUL! You have stumbled upon the WOMB OF ANNIHILATION! Terrifying eldritch abominations will FEAST ON YOUR BRAINS! And should you avoid the welcome release of death, FIENDISH TRAPS WILL DRAIN YOU OF YOUR CEREBRAL SPINAL FLUID!"

Sarah was walking back to the table as she delivered her monologue, and she paused as she awkwardly fiddled with her laptop. There was a peal of thunder from her laptop speakers, diminished by the tinny quality to the sound.

"You're already DAMNED! Salvation is a lie!"

Jade and Eve clapped appreciatively, and Jay joined in when he saw this. Eve broke the silence by asking, "wait, did you, uh, say the, uh, 'Womb' of Annihilation?"

"I did, but I was hoping you guys wouldn't notice," Sarah said. "I had a really good flow there, you know?"

"Oh," Jay said, "so we're not actually going to be going inside a womb that annihilates?"

"Not on a first date anyway, big boy," Jade said, slugging him in the shoulder lightly. "I can show you some other time."
"Jade!" Sarah started in a chastising voice, but lost it instantly and giggled. She continued speaking in her demonic narrator voice, "many men have claimed they can reach the womb of annihilation, but they often come up short!"

Jade laughed and replied first, pantomiming a dice roll, "I'm going to check for traps, and... oh god! Something just squirted in my eye!"

Eve reddened, shook her head, and crossed her arms. "Okay, guys... it's like a vagina. That's the joke."

"There's only THREE IN YOUR PARTY?" Demon Sarah spoke again. "This womb has a recommended party size of 5!"

"Call us Lara Croft," Jay interjected, "because we're about to be womb raiders!"

This got a moment of silence as the girls turned to look at him, and his smile froze again. And then they all laughed, melting his nervous smile into relief.

"Blood!" Jade yelled out. "There's just... blood everywhere! Oh God! This was a terrible time to come!"

Eve raised her hands to her mouth and covered it as she laughed, and then bent over until her head was on the table, shoulders shaking.

The laughter died away to chuckles, and then that nostalgic sigh people make when they're remembering ten seconds ago when they had things to laugh about.

"Okay," Sarah said. "It's not the Womb of Annihilation, clearly. It's a place with lots of dead bodies in sarcophagous-es... sarcophagi? There are monsters, traps, treasures, and stuff. It's a beloved and well-known classic D&D module that has been updated. Obviously, clearly, what I meant to say was the... COCK OF ANNIHILATION! DEMON ROOSTERS IN THE HOUSE!"

"Sarah stop!" Eve shouted, red faced.

* * *

Sarah cleared her throat, "you fail to resist the necromancer's Harm. You feel your blood boiling as your vision blurs and it becomes so much harder to breath. You cough and crimson phlegm spurts between your lips. Take..."

She began to gather some dice. Eve and Jade's eyes widened as they saw her accumulating a very large pile of d6's. She threw them and they rolled like foreboding thunder. "Thirty-two damage."

Jay leaned back in his seat, a hand clutching the fabric of his tight t-shirt. The other hand reached out, fingers curling as his face twisted with pain. "Not like this," he rasped. "There... was... more, I... I'm sorry..."

He went slack, arms dangling uselessly at his side. Eve and Jade stared at him, jaws open that he was really playing this up. Sarah eyed him cooly. "You're down? You know you have to make death saving throws on each of your turns now? The bard in your group falls down, dramatically," she added with a gesture to Jay at the table. "Perhaps life lingers within that body, but you have bigger fish to fry."

Play proceeded as Jade's barbarian and Eve's monk attempted to take out the necromancer. "He looks like he's on the verge of collapsing. After taking twenty from your greatsword, he screams in pain, blood oozing from the wound in his side, but he doesn't fall. He raises his hands, casting Circle of Death, a wave of black, necrotic..."

"I'm sorry, aren't I before him?" Jay asked.

"Ah, sorry. Roll your death save," Sarah said.

"Actually..." Jay said, "I've got two hit points," He showed her his phone where his character app displayed that he did, in fact, have two hit points left.

"Wait," Sarah said, "I thought you died..."

"It's called... acting!" he said, emoting with a clenched fist near his face, eyes shut in thespianic effort. "I'm a fucking bard!"

Her jaw dropped as he laughed, and it had to be said, it was not an attractive laugh. It was kind of goofy, kind of a deep giggle, and Sarah cocked her head as she re-appraised him. She couldn't help but smile, because such a goofy, genuine laugh could never have been done on purpose.

"By the by, can my character actually say that outloud? As he casts," Jay consulted his phone, and then pointing finger guns at her says, "I'm going to cast Magic Missile as a level 4 spell, for... 12 damage?"

"That... does it," Sarah said, before switching into the weedling whine of a sniveling glorified grave robber, "no! Curses to your stagecraft! It's why part of my evil plans involved defunding the public arts!"

Jade said something. Eve high-fived Jay and they were talking about something, but Sarah must've hit the mute button on her senses or something. There was more laughter that she couldn't hear. She wondered what the technical difficulties were caused by, but then realized it.

In the same way that a computer trying to run too many programs starts to slow, her brain had shut down many of her less essential programs so that it could process something. Her hearing hadn't exactly gone, but her brain wasn't processing the words to derive their meanings. She wasn't breathing on autonomic impulse anymore, and she hadn't blinked in a while. Her peripheral vision blurred as she focused on this boy with his goofy, dorky laugh, and beautiful shy smile. That puppy dog look of hopeful pleasing, wanting to be good.

They barely knew each other, and she wanted to know more. To know what his favorite Riskworld novel was, what he was watching currently, or what his favorite food was. She wanted to know what his mother was like, if he had any siblings, if he liked cats or dogs or both.

The thing is, the moment you want something, you've placed weight upon its absence.

Jade, Eve, and Alex were her best friends. But if any one of them had not wanted to be her friend when they met, the logical and emotionally healthy thing to do was simply to look elsewhere for friendship. She wanted friendship and companionship, but it didn't need to be these particular people, but of course, she was grateful that it was.

She wanted Jay in her life, and now she knew that if he didn't want that too, she would be sad.

Nothing as tragic or serious as a heartbreak. Just a tightness in her chest right now, thinking about not being around him. Later, in months and years, it would be an itch in her memories as she thought of where Jay was, and if he ever found a D&D group to play with regularly. She would hope he was doing okay.

Sarah realized that her friends and Jay were all staring at her now. No one was saying anything anymore. Her brain switched its processing of her internal feelings to focus on language comprehension, visual image deciphering, and resuming autonomic breathing and blinking - those little things.

"What?"

"You okay, Sarah?" Asked Jade, who placed a hand on her shoulder, concern in her eyes.

Tactile sensation informed her that her cheeks were wet. She was crying in front of her friends and this stranger, and she was being completely, utterly stupid and awkward and wrong and...

Sarah wiped her eyes hurriedly, and smiled badly. "Ha ha... I was... just so close to wiping you guys out! I had this awesome monologue planned and everything."

Their expressions clearly said that they didn't believe her, but they were also polite enough to pretend to accept it as long as she didn't mind that she could tell they were pretending.

"Maybe next time?" Suggested Jay.

"I just can't believe you lied about your hit points," Sarah said.

He held up a finger, "whoa. I never lie. You never asked about my hit points. You just assumed that I was down because my character said he was dead. Characters don't have to be honest."

"That was awesome," Eve said.

"You should play with us again," Jade said.

"Yeah! I'd love that if you guys got the space," he said.

The dice were packed away, the snacks were cleaned up, and chairs were folded and stacked. Then, they said their goodbyes.

Jade lingered just a bit, clearly worried about her friend, and while they were very forthcoming and open in one on one situations, this group situation complicated things a bit for them both. Sarah knew Jade would text her later and set up getting coffee which was reassuring.

"Thanks for having me," Jay said. "It was a lot of fun."

As he stood in the doorway, the last to leave, she realized she hadn't looked directly at him since her stupid little meltdown.

"Thanks for playing. I hope it wasn't too cringey or weird for you."

"No way," he said. "It felt... really nice. You got some good friends."

"That I do," she said.

He looked awkward suddenly, as if working himself up to an unpleasant task. "Hey, I know that we just met, but if you ever want to talk about anything, let me know."

She stared at him, looking for something. A sign that he was joking, fingers crossed behind his back, or a camera crew around the hall's corner. Her cynicism chained her heart, but but chainmail was a thing for a reason. It offered protection.

"Thanks," she said flatly.

He nodded, a calculating look on his face. He opened his mouth, and then shut it again. He went with his second response, which was "all right, I hope you have a good night, Sarah. Thanks again."

She watched as he began to walk down the hall. And then Sarah realized she'd be dead in like sixty years.

"Jay... Jay!" she called out to be heard, since he was almost around the corner.

He turned, surprise in his eyes, along with... what? Expectation? Curiosity?

"I'm used to not wanting things," she said. "So, when you say to let you know when I want to talk, I... I'm just used to not wanting to. To do anything really."

She looked down, feeling her tears well up again, and she felt so stupid again. So silly. So emotional. "I've spent a long time not wanting anything so I wouldn't have to not get what I wanted. And...

"And, I want you to stay," she said. "Not forever, or overnight, or any specific time. Just a bit longer."

He didn't respond. She clenched her fists, digging her fingers into the meat of her palm.

He would go. And then they would probably play more games in the future, because he really did bring an energy to the table that was soft, safe, and pleasant. They would keep studying, and if they had classes together, she'd send him her notes. They would graduate, and he'd probably bang a healthy amount of people. Come to think of it, so would she.

Someone else would probably find out if he liked cats. Or what he wanted to be when he was younger. Or what his childhood was like.

And she would move on, because emotionally healthy adults put their time where it would be rewarded. It was unhealthy and foolish to pine, and it was a risk to want things.

Her vision, blurring from the tears, saw something dark step into her vision. She looked up slightly, wiping her eyes.

"I'd like that," he said.

She stared into that hopeful face with that gentle smile.

"Really?"

He nodded.

"With me?"

He laughed. "Yes."

"There's... so much I want to ask you!" she said.

"Sure, like what?"

He had nice lips. Extremely kissable lips and a nice smile. She was taller than him due to her sexy scarecrow proportions, and she could smell his scent mixed with his shampoo and deodorant. Something generic. Smelled white.

"I... forget," she said, eyes widening. "I swear I do, I just..."

"We could just have lots of awkward silence, I don't mind," he said.

"It's your... stupid face being all pretty and stuff! And..." she placed her hands on his shoulders, marveling at how wide they felt. He felt like a very solid chunk of man. "I..."

"My stupid face?"

"No! I mean..."

"You're charming me right now," he said, smiling.

"You like your women stupid and socially awkward?"

"I'm here, aren't I?" he smirked, and she had to mentally compose herself. Now her mental computer was going to sketchy porn sites and getting infected with tons of malware. He was joking, but there was something about that expression that would have annoyed her in other situations.

"Jay," she said.

"Sarah," he imitated her stern tone of voice.

"I would like to pursue a non-platonic relationship with you."

He laughed.

"I just want to be as clear and unambiguous as possible," she said. "This way, you know exactly what..."

"I think we can do that," he said, leaning toward her.

She started breathing harder as he neared, "did you want to... are we going to..."

Kiss.

Oxytocin and endorphin release. Non-GMO, free range, gluten-free chemical happiness slammed into her brain like electricity coursing through a live wire. Her body arched against him, as if trying to ground the sensation inside her again him. She kissed him back ungracefully, but she couldn't help how hungry she felt. She'd gone too long without love or lust indulged.

She pulled him into her room. She was aware of his weight, how solidly he occupied the space near and around her as his arms encircled her torso, wrapping around her thin frame easily.

He swung her around in his arms as he rotated, forcing her up against the door, their lips still touching. Jay pulled back from the kiss, and when she leaned forward for more, she found her hair held tightly near the nape of her neck. Her eyes opened, lips parted as she practically whined like an animal.

He was watching her, a slight smile on his lips, clearly enjoying himself as he leaned into her slowly. He stopped when she could feel his breath on her lips and she reflexively tried to move forward to kiss again. She was still held fast by her hair, up against the door, his body caging her in. His hand pulled at her hair, forcing her to look up and bare her neck, allowing him to place his lips on her collarbone and then travel upward.

Her hands pulled at shoulders, not sure what she was trying to do, but she was clearly outmatched in physical strength. Her breath hitched in her throat as his lips traveled up to her ear, and then toyed with her earlobe. Now, he pressed himself against her and she could feel his athletic, muscled body against her and her knees almost buckled, to grind against him, but with just his grip on her hair, he kept her still.

Her hands were free so she took advantage of that small freedom to press them against his chest, testing her inability to budge him as well as feel his chest, letting her hands slide down over his abs, and further down still.

"I think we should get more unplatonic," he said, grinning.

"What?" she felt out of a breath and light-headed. A group of neurons managed to heroically group and supply, "non-platonic."

"Get more non-platonic-ker?" he suggested.

Her hand groped his crotch bluntly, feeling his hard length extended under one of his pockets.

Meanwhile, his other hand not on her hair was gripping the inside of her thigh, the side of his hand, tantalizing close to her labia. She squirmed trying to make contact. "You're making fun of me..."

"I prefer to think of it as pacing ourselves," he said, gently, but inexorably moving her head to tilt down toward him.

"What? And you get to pick the pace?"

She saw that look of controlled masculine smugness on his face and felt equal parts arousal and resistance. He kissed her again, his tongue slipping into her mouth, and she sighed into him. They held the position as they continued to grope at each other. It felt like he was targeting her body with precision strikes while she was just flailing at him, touching anything and everything he allowed her to.

Soon he began to maneuver her body over to her bed, lightly holding her hand as he led her for a change of pace. He stopped in front of her bed, which was a twin - ironically named because fitting two people on one is an impossibility. Jay led her to it, and then let go of her hand. For the first time since they started making out, he wasn't constraining her in anyway. She looked to the bed and then back at him, as he stood before the bed, that slight smile on his lips.

She wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders, once again taking pleasure in his dimensions. Sarah nuzzled the crook of his neck, kissing the muscles along his nape. He made a pleased little sighing noise and she continued, trying to kiss his cheek, then nibble on his earlobe as he had earlier. She watched as that smile became more of a smirk as he tilted his head away, allowing her more access.

Her hands began rappelling down his physique, like hapless climbers giving into gravity. She grabbed his crotch again, another hand on his butt which was shockingly firm. Sarah pulled back and looked down at it with her brows furrowing. "Jeezus."

He chuckled.

She continued rubbing her hands over him, letting them venture below his shirt. His skin was smooth and soft above layers of toned muscle.

"Um," she swallowed, feeling flushed and knowing that she was blushing. "Why aren't you doing anything?"

He laughed this time. "I was just seeing what you would do."

"You're... umm... why are you," she said.

"Yes?"

"You... but you were, you were so nice!" She was aware she was sputtering now. It was like giving a presentation with no prepared speech and never having seen any of the slides before. She felt so embarrassed and lost, that she had no idea what to do. "You were sweet, and... now you're just toying with me!"

His hand came up, the first time he'd move in several moments, and he gently cupped her chin with thumb and forefinger, giving her another kiss, a chaste pressing of lips together. "That's because you're my toy," he said.

He placed his hand across her throat, thumb and fingers around her thin and long neck, but he applied almost no pressure there. Just enough to keep his hand there.

She swallowed, feeling her hands hanging at her sides, her breathing increasing again. She licked her lips waiting as he pushed just enough to make her backup and guided her to sit on her bed. Jay delivered another kiss to her lips as he pushed again with minimal force, urging her to lay back, legs flanking him, dangling off the bed.

Once she was flat on her back, he pulled back again, hand resting on her throat. The other hand went to her jeans, and if she had been in any vantage or state of mind to observe or consider it, she'd been impressed with how he undid her belt, button, and zipper on her jeans with one hand.

His hand crept into her open pants, laying on top of her mons, as his fingers lightly applied pressure onto the fabric over her vulva. Sarah realized that her bra had become undone at some point, feeling the straps laying loose under her back.

"I like your panties," he said. "Cute."

She didn't even remember what color they were, but they weren't particularly fancy underwear because she didn't own any. Her underwear came in a six pack from Costco.

Her mom might have bought her the last package of underwear on a shopping trip.

The hand was removed from her neck and they gripped the sides of her open jeans and pulled them down until they were tangled around her ankles. Air on her wet lips below made her realize he had taken everything off. She propped herself up on her elbows, looking down at him, watching as he moved her legs and positioned his head between her thighs.

"Uh, I..."

He looked at her, her knees bent around his broad shoulders, her ankles still bound together by jeans and, yes, bright green standard panties.

"Yes?" He asked, kissing the middle of her thighs. She could feel his breath faintly on her soaking lips.

She couldn't remember what she was going to say. Maybe she didn't have anything to say at all. She sought for something, and came up with, "hey! Someone's a little overdressed. At least take off the shirt."

"Ah, of course," he said.

He straightened up and reached up for her shirt, and then tugged it off up and over her head, followed by removing her bra which was tossed behind him. Only after this did she realize this was the opposite of what should have happened. "Hey! I meant... you!"

"Oh, right. I must have misheard you," he said with a smirk.

He reached down and peeled off his shirt that clung to his physique, and dropped it aside.

"Is that better?" he asked.
The shape of his body wasn't exactly hidden beneath the shirt, but seeing him between her legs, bare-chested with that look of confident control on his face gave her a feeling of tightness inside that she desperately needed to be opened.

She nodded. "Yeah. That's... good. Good work. Good job."

He laughed. "So it's good?"

"Yes," she swallowed. "Good, um. Good hustle. Go team."

She nodded again, leaning back and resisting the urge to cover her face or cross her arms. She sought his face, looking for what he was thinking there.

"You okay?" he asked.

Her face felt hotter again as she looked up at the ceiling. "Uh, yeah."

"You seem... maybe not okay."

"I'm nervous!" she shouted, louder than she intended. "I mean... fuck! Look at you! And look at me."

"I am," he said, hands running down her sides to rest on her hips as he continued to kiss her on her upper thighs, his breath warm and tantalizingly close to her lips. "And I like what I see. Maybe you should take your own advice, look at me, and enjoy yourself."

She lifted her head up again, looking down at him, the lower half of his face obscured as he placed a light kiss between her legs. As she reflexively squeezed her thighs together, he used his hands to keep them spread. He looked up at her before giving her a long lick from the bottom of her lips, starting with heavy pressure and lessening it as he came closer to her clit.

He kept it up, repeating the same tongue strokes before taking a different angle, but still always elusive in his direct clitoral pressure. After a few minutes or hours of this, she glared at him, flushed and red-faced.

"You're still toying with me! Just..."

As she spoke, his tongue found her clit, offering the promise of firmer pressure. He raised his eyebrows at her, with a tilt of his head. He pulled back to ask, "just what?"

"Just... the thing you were about to do!"

"Oh, then why'd you stop me?"

She made a growling noise at him that she didn't know she was capable of. He then reached under her thighs with his arms, and grabbed her wrists in each hand. Once he had a secure grip on them, he began to lick her again, this time giving her clit more attention.

She went slack from the torso up, her head laying on the bed as she looked up, eyes fluttering. A sigh turned into a long drawn out groan when two of his fingers slipped into her, pressing against the front of her as they drew in and out in a slow, steady rhythm.

She tried moving her hands and realized they were stuck to her sides by his hands around her wrists, so she gripped the blanket beneath her. She began taking deeper breaths, and then held it as she felt her body tense.

"Um," she began, face flushing, mouth hanging open as her entire body seemed to clench up, arching forward and back. She groaned, making a pained noise as he continued to minister to her lower half, not altering his actions.

She went slack again, breathing again.

He looked only a little quizzical as his head raised a bit higher. "Did you just cum?"

She managed a, "yeah."

"Did you say 'um' before you came?"

Her face reddened again, this time for embarrassment. "Hey! I was trying to tell you before I did, but... then I did."

He laughed again, and it struck her that he didn't laugh the same way he did when with her friends playing D&D. It was a much more self-satisfied chuckle.

"Well, how are you feeling?" he asked.

"Um, could I have some more?"

Another eyebrow raise. "You're multi-orgasmic?"

"Um, yes."

"And you cum that easily?"

"A... apparently?"

And now his grin turned almost feral as he leaned forward, laying atop of her. "You're perfect," he said.

"R.. really?"

And they kissed again, and she threw her arms around his neck. She could taste herself on his lips, as they deepened the kiss. Her body responded as she moaned and writhed under him, one of his hands in her hair as he held her close as they kissed. He broke it off, lowering his face to her breasts, lightly tonguing around her nipples. Her hands didn't have much they could reach, so she settled for entwining her fingers in his hair, short as it was.

"Harder please," she whispered, pulling in vain at his head.

"Mmm?" he hummed inquisitively, increasing the suction on her nipple while she held her breath. When she moaned again, he maintained the intensity, eyes narrowly open and observing her face.

"Use your teeth, just a little..."

And he obliged. Her eyes snapped open and she had a strange smile on her face, lips parted as she let her head loll to one side. Her legs opened on autopilot as his hand found their way there, fingers doing... something, whatever, pleasant as they danced on her clit before dove into her shallowly at times, deeper at others.

"Wait, like you... were doing it before... yes... Yes, just..." she breathed out, as his fingers circled on her clit.

Her eyes were shut again, focusing on her body. She wanted to cum. Needed this orgasm. Jay watched as her face reddened as she held her breath, tensing up her body under her own control, watching as she lost that control, and her body arched upward and her breathed escaped her body in one grunt, eyes opening.

Another smirk appeared on his lips as he lightened his touch, but kept his fingers going.

"You're beautiful," he said, but she just stared at him as the orgasm rolled over her and through her, attenuated with his touches.

She seemed to be catching her breath, eyes fluttering as she asked, "what?"

He kissed her lightly on the cheek. "I think you're beautiful."

"Yeah?"

He chuckled, a deep noise near her ear.

"Um," her voice sounded dazed, choked, and a little panicked as she felt herself begin building to yet another orgasm. "I... did you want to have sex?"

He gave her a look. "That boat's sailed. Actually. I think we're on the boat."

Even in the afterglow of cumming and on the climb to another, she gathered enough mental energy to glare at him. "I meant intercourse. Penis in vagina intercourse. Jackass."

"With sweet talk like that, how could I refuse? But, y'know, I didn't actually bring any condoms with me because I thought we were just going to be playing D&D. Honestly. It's okay, I'm having a good time."

It impressed her how steadily he could keep stimulating her with his hands as his mouth carried on a conversation. Her brain felt addled, overdosed on sexual chemicals.

"That... drawer there," she pointed with a wobbly hand. "Organized into... whatever."

His eyebrows went up, still smiling. "Oh yeah?"

She nodded, noticing that he had stopped fingering her and that his fingers, near her mouth were covered in her lubrication. She saw the expectant look in his eyes and eagerly lifted her head enough to get his fingers into her mouth, sucking and licking them clean.

"Good girl," he said, approvingly.

Only now did he straighten up and reach for the drawer, and only now did Sarah remember that she should have dreaded this moment.

"Huh," he said.

"I... I've had those for a while, and I just wanted to make sure I..."

He laughed. "It's really okay. I'm glad you're so well stocked."

That drawer contained condoms of three different sizes ranging from the large sizes, to the normal ones, and the tighter fit condoms - all available in both latex and non-latex options, lubricated and non-lubricated.

"Amazon had a sale," she said sheepishly. "It's cheaper than buying them at the store only a few at a time... and, right now, I'd rather murder someone than go out to buy them."

"Heh. The only deaths we're going to have are little ones," he said, crawling onto the bed between her legs.

Sometime in the last couple of sentences he had lost his pants and underwear, opened the condom, and placed it on. With him between her legs and positioning himself, she looked up into his eyes again.

"I," she began, and she was interrupted by their kiss.

She sighed again, feeling his fingers in her hair, stroking them back. Sarah could feel him positioned at her entrance, and she tried to push with her hips, but he pulled back even that slight amount. He broke off the kiss, looking at her with a smile.

"I set you up for that," she finished saying.

"Ha ha," he nodded. "Yes, you did. Thank you."

They held each other's' gaze for a moment before he began to push into her. Hre jaw lowered, as she tried to relax herself. He stalled for a moment, noting her expression, but she pulled on him. "Yes," she whispered.

And with an invitation like that, he couldn't resist moving his hips forward until he was completely within her. She pulled at his shoulders again, wanting to kiss again, but he stubbornly remained still. His smirk returned, watching her pull at him to no effect, but this time she didn't relent, and she grabbed his hair, pulling his head down by the roots with increasing force.

It felt like he was either going to kiss her right now, or he was going to lose the hair on the back of his head. He found himself bending to the strength of her desire, literally. They kissed again, and she pulled them together, hands gripping his hair, kissing with a fierce intensity. She kissed like it was the last time, because nothing good in her life had ever lasted.

"Fuck me," she said, her voice wasn't pleading, but it was heavy with want.

He thrust with a steady rhythm, sliding in and out fully and she met his thrusts with her own limited movements, feeling him grind deeper into her with just an edge of pain.

"Are you okay?" he asked, trying to differentiate a wince from a look of pleasure.

"Oh yes," she said.

Nothing ever lasted, which was a silly melodramatic thought to have, because what had she ever lost in her life?

You can't lose something you've never had.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, under his arms, pulling him down to her, their faces over each other's shoulders as he reached deeper into her. Sarah stared at the ceiling, not wanting him to see her face.

"I'm..." she began, not finishing the sentence as she began holding her breath again, flexing her hips, feeling him inside - grinding, stretching, and pushing. She felt her body making space for him, accommodating and resilient.

Unharmed and unbroken.

She let out a groan, eyes squeezing as she tried to be mindful of her nails even as she dug her fingers into his back.

Nothing can hurt me, so you can't hurt me when you leave.

"Cum for me," she said. "Inside. Please."

Judging from his breathing, he was probably close too.

"Please," she said again, as he began to speed up.

He moved his arms under her legs, and forced her legs on top of his shoulders, bending her hips and knees. She gasped as he continued, now fucking her with deep pounds, intensified by the position. It began to hurt, and she watched his face with his eyes shut, trying to control his breaths, as she seemed focused.

She involuntarily made a pained noise, and he opened his eyes. Sarah covered them with her hands, tracing them downward to shut them again.

"Cum for me," she said quietly.

It was only a few more seconds, but it was a deep, piston fucking sex. Up until now, maybe just this moment, he had seemed so controlled and careful. He was careful with controlling her, using his strength in ways to pleasure her, but it was only now that he fucked with abandon. It hurt, and she wasn't sure how long she could take such an intense pounding this deep. He buried his face into her shoulder, and sighed into her ear as she found herself smiling triumphantly.

He came inside her.

She held him, feeling his body utterly slack and relaxed, when moments before his muscles had been flexing and working so hard. She traced her hands down his back as he remained inside of her.

He put his hands, palm down on either side of her to lift himself up, but she pushed at them gently with a shrug and extension of her elbows. Jay remained close to her instead.

When he repeated it a few moments later, she relented and let him rise.

And when she saw him again, his face was Jay again - more or less.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Ha!" she laughed. "Yes, very okay. Great."

He nodded with a smile. "That was really fun."

"I agree."

He paused a second to pull out of her, and then flopped to one side next to her on the cramped bed. "You're a lot of fun."

"Heh. Yeah, I know," she said. "The fucking isn't always part of D&D nights, but I fit it in whenever I can."

"Yeah?"

"Sure. It was a tight fit, but it worked out."

Her voice practically winked, but he just nodded. "I'm glad."

Sarah chuckled. "Are *you* okay?"

"Yeah! Just..." he rolled over toward her again, but this time he remained at her side with his arm over her. He kissed her shoulder and stared at her.

"What?"

"I... just like your face."

She scoffed. "It does the job. I'm getting the feeling that you're just as bad at post-coital pillow talk as I am at foreplay talk."

He laughed at this, closing his eyes and kissing her shoulder again. After a long moment, he said, "maybe."

"Did you jizz out your IQ points?"

"Hey!" He said, without too much force. "I... uh. Okay, yes."

Sarah stared at her ceiling, wondering how this happened. She looked over at his face, and it looked like he was already dozing peacefully. Despite the stereotype, she'd never really had a partner who went to slept right after sex before.

It occurred to her maybe she should panic thinking about not wanting to wake up and wanting to get out of bed, but she felt comfortable where she was. She turned away from him and adopted the little spoon position and sighed.

"Holy shit!"

Her head snapped up as she looked at Jay. "What?"

"That's a cat," he said, looking past her.

Sarah turned and saw Ifrit in the corner, who watched her with a distant air, an unimpressed expression on his face noting that their lovemaking was taking place on his property. He yawned as if to show how beneath his notice they were.

"Uh, yeah. Is that okay? Are you allergic?"

"No, just... are we allowed to have cats in the dorms?"

"Uh. No?"

"Huh," he nodded once.

He lay his head back down, breathed in the scent of her hair and skin, and then closed his eyes. Moments later, he seemed to be dozing again.

"I think I'm happy," Sarah said.

After a breath, Jay hummed an affirmative, and then added. "I'm glad. Me too."

With his arms around her, embraced from behind, Sarah snuggled into him and smiled to herself.

"Lucky me," she murmured, and she too closed her eyes.

She knew she was fortunate in many ways, but it felt like it had been a long time since she'd felt this comfortable and happy. Maybe ever.

What a lovely way to end.

***

She couldn't think of a better way to end her day than closing her eyes, and drifting off to sleep in this man's arms.

She breathed in deeply, the smell of sex, detergent, deodorant, and him hung in the air.

Lucky her.

***

And she knew, if she could just stop her brain and finally go to bed, it would be the perfect end to the perfect day, so she closed her eyes again, and sought sleep.

So that this day could end perfectly.

***

She looked down, seeing his arm draped over her side and across her tummy. She took his hand into her's and held it gently.

Sarah told herself how lucky she was to have found someone like this, and how lucky she was that she gets to sleep next to him and then wake up in the morning with him.

Lucky, lucky me, she thought, closing her eyes.

***

"You okay?" Jay asked.

Sarah stared straight ahead, where Ifrit was in the corner, watching her suffer with apathy in his cold uncaring feline eyes.

"Yeah," she said, thinking fast. "Bastard just scratched me. Didn't hurt, just surprised me."

"Should we move him off the bed?"

"He'll just come back and sleep on my face. Leave him."

Jay murmured something sleepily and then fell silent again.

Sarah wiped her eyes and stared ahead.

I don't deserve this, she thought. That's why it's not going to last.

Exhausted at lying to herself all night, and finally having spoken the truth, she too fell asleep.

To be continued.