Working Up The Nerve
I had never done anything like this before; it was risky hooking up with someone you met on an app, especially for me.
He could leave me bloody and bruised on the side of the road after taking all my money; hell it could be a group of backward thinking Neanderthals wanting to kill me. Or worse yet, he could destroy my life in another way; I was deeply, deeply closeted. No one knew I was attracted to men.
I had spent the better part of my 29 year old life casually dating women and “working on my career.” And sure I loved the taste of a cunt and to a lesser extent the feeling of fucking one, but it’s never felt right before. My entire sex life has been like going to eat Chinese food when your desperately craving Italian; sure it’ll fill you up but your never going to be truly satisfied.
At 26, when my father passed, I started to finally accept some hard truths about myself, and after three years of self exploration and lots of money spent on therapy, I could finally say it, “I’m attracted to men.” It took a lot of courage to get those words out of my mouth, and it took even more to download the gay apps and start trying to put myself out there.
I made sure I didn’t lie on my profiles, despite the fact that I think everyone else may have been: 29 years old, 6’3” tall, muscular frame(thanks to all the repressed sexual urges fueling my workouts), but the other categories I didn’t quite know how to fill out. What’s a tribe? Was I a bear, an otter? Sure I had hair, the same sandy blonde color that grew on top of my head, but what’s the difference between the two? Did I like leather? And when I thought about it, I could see myself really enjoy topping but maybe I was a bottom? And why did everything in the gay community need a label?
At first I didn’t post any pictures on the profile but that seemed to be a taboo, so despite my discomfort in the matter, I added an up to date photo. I didn’t think I was much to look at, but the men on my apps thought otherwise. Maybe I’m just used to my features. I don’t know, but one man described me as a young Paul Newman, which in my mind was an amazing compliment; he’s always been my biggest old Hollywood heartthrob.
Yet despite all the work I put into making my profiles the best they could be, whenever my conversations with guys turned toward meeting up, I would chicken out. I knew I wanted to be with a man, but there’s a big difference between fantasy and reality. Reality has dangers, people with bad intentions, and lots of hate. I just couldn’t get passed it.
That is until HE messaged me back. He was visiting my city of Orlando, Florida for the week, and he was staying at a hotel about twenty minutes away from my home. He wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was I; plus he was absolutely gorgeous: 27, 5’6”, wavy brown hair, emerald colored eyes, and that smile! Ugh! That smile! It was a devilish and devious looking smile; you could tell he had no good intentions behind that grin. It was unbelievably sexy, and he actually responded to me! A guy who could get anyone he wanted actually responded to me. It didn’t even take him a full five minutes to message me, and we had an ideal conversation.
He seemed very genuine, kind, and exceptionally horny, which was perfect because just looking at his face pics gave me a stiff one! Eventually we ended up exchanging nudes. His body was fine and all; he wasn’t super well defined but definitely not chubby, not that there’s anything wrong with that; that smile alone was turn on enough for me, which made that perfectly round bubble butt of his the cherry on the cake. So when he invited to his hotel room, instead of deleting him, I said yes.
After showering and trying to get a parking spot, I found myself staring at his hotel door. I had to knock, right? I’d regret it if I didn’t, so I held up my arm, made a fist and wrapped my knuckles on the wood. I heard some shuffling behind the door and saw the handle start moving. Oh god! This was it; it was happening! There’s no turning back now.
My nerves were palpable. I’m not sure I had ever truly felt this way before. I thought my heart was going to explode at any minute, and my stomach, I swear it had ripped it self out of my own body. And worse yet, my dick was rock hard and solid, pressing unrelentingly against the fabric of my jeans.
As the door began to open, I could feel my knees and hands begin trembling! Fuck fuck fuck! I was scared shitless. All I wanted to do was run away, far away, but it was way too late for that; because, the door was fully ajar and I was face to face with him and that devil smile!
There was a period of silence where I think I was staring at him with my mouth agape. Luckily he spoke first, “Hi! You must be Christopher! It’s so good to meet you.”