I write erotic fiction and post the stories on an internet forum. Recently a reader took strong issue with the content of my latest story, asking, 'hasn't this author ever heard of "Safe, Sane, Consensual"?'

The story did feature an extreme BDSM theme, but was fiction, and intended for an adult audience. Like all parents, and I believe. most writers, my instant reaction was, 'how dare he criticize my baby!' But then I began giving his comment the serious contemplation it deserves.

I have enjoyed the pleasures of the BDSM lifestyle for over twenty years. My experiences have been within the context of two loving, monogamous marriages of long duration. Therefore, I cannot presume to speak for those who 'play' with multiple partners, or indulge in casual 'scenes.' Here are my views on 'Safe, Sane, Consensual.'

These concepts, of course, didn't originate in the sexual underground in modern times, but have existed in some fashion since the first mammals on the planet began copulating.

'Consensual' should be first and foremost in any sexual relationship. Otherwise you are talking about sexual battery, coercion, or rape. Trust must be the bedrock of any loving relationship, especially in a BDSM one. Without trust, 'safe and sane' become pleasant mishaps rather than cornerstones.

Some may argue that 'love' will guide a couple into 'safe and sane.' But in pursuit of our personal pleasure, it is all too easy to say, 'if you love me, you'll let me..,' or 'just try this once...' Love makes trust easier to build and maintain, but they are not interchangeable.

BDSM is the quintessential power exchange, freely giving up control, submitting to a partner's will. That submission must be from the heart, and not just from the lips. After all, who hasn't said, 'oh please Master, don't spank me,' or uttered similar protests during a session? As Br'er Rabbit said, 'oh please, Br'er Fox, don't throw me in that briar patch' when we all know that was just what the rabbit wanted. Yes, Doms may push or stretch subs' limits. There are those who even play out rape fantasies. Some couples use 'safe words' or 'safe gestures' if the sensations get too intense and consent is truly withdrawn. Again, it becomes a matter of trust, which each couple must forge for themselves.

'Consent' may be multi-faceted, but does seems to be absolute on some level for most of us.

'Safe' is much more subjective. Scat, knife, and gun play are activities that some enjoy. Bestiality, gay male sex, needle play, blood/vampire play, mummification, and breath play are some others that also carry a high degree of risk. So is oral sex on the driver of a moving automobile, and a lot 'vanilla' folks have enjoyed that one.

So just what does constitute 'safe'? There is no one 'correct' answer for everyone, in every instance. Humans do risk/benefit calculations every day, not just in the sexual arena. When you walk across a street, drive your car from a parking space, or even taste hot soup, you are making a conscious decision that the potential risk of your action is worth the desired result. True, sometimes we are mentally impaired, chemically or emotionally, and will take risks we regret later. Cheating on taxes, driving while intoxicated, or having unprotected sex are risks that some indulge in willfully, others would never ever consider, and some will succumb to in the heat of the moment.

What is 'safe' becomes a negotiation of acceptable risk between the participants. As such, it can never be etched in stone.

Then there is the slippery slope of 'Sane.' From my observation and interaction with the mental health world, it seems that their overall goal is to enable a person to maintain behavior in accordance with the accepted norms of modern society. Through dialog and/or chemicals, i.e. drugs, they try to create conformity. In fairness, a certain degree of conformity is necessary for civilization to function. But conformity comes with a price. A dulling of individualism is the foremost . Society's 'peer-pressure cooker' then spills out of the public domain into the bedroom.

The broad outlines of BDSM, power exchange, pain and punishment, lurk in the near foreground of society. Even if the practices themselves are not [and I suspect they are], the broad outlines are pretty much universal.

The concept of 'Sane' encounters difficulty when we attempt to define it too sharply and hold our definition as a standard by which to compare the private sexual practices of others. The proclaimed moral code of the Victorian era as well as the earlier 'puritans' are examples of societies that did not practice what they preached. The vestiges of their double standard remain. For example, there are still some State and/or local laws in America that prohibit oral or anal sex labeling them 'unnatural.'

In light of all the above, 'Safe, Sane, Consensual' is basically ANY sexual activity between consenting adults. As long as they are in agreement as to acceptance of the physical and emotional risks incurred, then it is exclusively their business. Those not party to a particular liaison should not presume to dictate terms or conditions to the participants. Likewise, if a story or novel offends your tastes, stop reading and look elsewhere for your satisfaction. All are entitled to an opinion, and should be encouraged to voice them. But attempting to impose one's views and artificial standards on others sails too closely to the world of 'big brother' and censorship.

I, for one, shall continue to write and practice MY sexual vision, and strongly encourage you to pursue yours.

The bottom line? 'Safe, Sane, Consensual' is whatever you and your partner agree upon. Anyone who attempts to define them for you or impose their views on your relationship, regardless of how well meaning they might be, is trying to force their brand of censorship on you. Any such censorship is anathema to freedom. Freedom spawns diversity of views, and diversity becomes freedom incarnate. May your personal sexual odyssey embrace both in full measure.