Chapter 2 -- Communication & Setting Boundaries

Introduction -- Chapter Overview

Many couples do not realize that having a threesome is not, "do you want to have a threesome? Yes, let us find someone ." Then the next step being, either calling a friend to have them come over for a threesome or going down to the local bar to pick someone up to get naked with. Instead having a threesome involves venturing into a very uncharted territory area that only a few choose to venture, the area of sexual health and extra-marital relationship. Before going on, I do want to point out that I use relationship in a very broad sense to refer that there must be some mutual goal and common understanding that must exist for a threesome to happen. This means I do not refer to relationship in the sense of friendship, dating, or marriage.

Moving on, having a threesome involves having frank, honest, and transparent communication regarding all aspects of having a threesome. For a couple to get to a point where a threesome can work means pressure cannot be applied, each individual must want for it to happen and both of them must have the same frame of reference when it comes to expectations regarding the threesome. Finally in this section I will include what this author feels is vital for a couple to discuss when considering a threesome along with an opinion on how to set boundaries, and knowing when is the right time to find the third person. This section will cover the section from after the agreement up until the couple decides to find the "third person."

With that said, the time for a couple to work through the issues is "not set in stone." For some couples they may be able to move through this with very little problems if there is a consensus among them that having a threesome is something that they both want but need to work through their expectation. However for a couple that has some reservations about the idea or there is not much agreement on the particulars it may mean that this may take a few years to complete. Whatever the case, each couple has their own rhythm and needs that will dictate how fast they will progress. Finally it should be noted that this is not a prescriptive way to have the conversation and with since each couple will have different needs they may find they move differently than how I describe it here.

Important topics

In one aspect it can be said by having these conversations the couple is moving the idea of having a threesome from a fantasy to make it real. As it becomes more real for the couple they may find that they become more reluctant or may begin to rush to have a threesome. However it is important before rushing to have a threesome that the couple talk about the important topics. The most important topics here include risk to the relationship, the what if scenario, safety (sexual, personal, & identity), discretion, privacy, expectations, feelings, emotions, and other issues that the couple feel is important such as how will the relationship cope. Talking about these issues and other issues will drive the next part of the conversation which regards the issue of boundaries and will be addressed in the next section. Also it will help the couple to begin to grasp exactly what they are planning and if it is the right decision for them. Finally at this point it should be noted that this author assumes that each individual has agreed to take the conversation further and does not feel pressured. If there is a feeling of pressure to have a threesome then it is important that the issue addressed because it is the last thing a relationship needs.

Boundaries

We all hear as a part of our daily lives the word boundaries. Boundaries come in many forms such as boundaries for land, for school districts, boundaries that define a state, and boundaries that define a country. When it comes to relationships the issue of boundaries are mentioned less but when it comes to have a threesome they are vital. A boundary when it comes to have a threesome is best thought of as a rule, like in the American sport of football. Players when they play the game know what is expected from them and that there will be consequences if they violate the boundary. In a relationship boundaries define the limits of that relationship and define cheating when certain boundaries are violated.