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To Grandmother's House We Go

REUNION

Hansel Gingersnap stopped before the front door of Grandma Nyx's house. He looked around to make sure nobody could see him as pressed the doorbell . Ever since his sister Gretel disappeared, the onus of making these little check-in visits had fallen on his broad, albeit protesting, shoulders.

But he liked to hide his activities at Grandma Nyx's house, as they might be misinterpreted (or even worse, correctly interpreted). His hand shook as he rang the bell (or more-accurately cybernetic tone). After a few seconds, Hansel could hear Grandma Nyx's elderly yet still voluptuous body being loaded into her Danica Patrick mobilized wheelchair. He could hear her riding in circles like Dr. Strangelove on a restless day. She even threw in a few wheelies for good measure.

Grandma Nyx pushed the Ejecto-seat button on the Danica Patrick Chair, which not only catapulted her directly onto the chair of her Acorn Stair Lift, and at the same time opened the front door to let Hansel in.

Hansel watched as Grandma Nyx descended the stairs in a magnificent entrance rivaled only by Trump's golden ride down the elevator in Trump Tower (not to be confused with the golden shower afforded him in Moscow).

Hansel reckoned that the chore of making these visits could be worse. In days of auld they occurred two times a day, seven days a week. But that was before the upgrades to Amazon.com. Now the old biddy had three Denny's square meals a day delivered by drone. If she fell down or had a heart attack, Amazon would immediately deploy a drone that would land directly on her mottled skin and perform CPR, including direct electrical stimulation of her heart, transplants and cardiac catheterizations, not to mention her clit.

Sure the system still had some kinks to be worked out. For one, the Amazon drones would occasionally take the liberty of procuring heart donors by selecting the healthiest person in a two mile radius, extracting the heart, and sewing it into the buyer's circulatory system. There also was a lot of concern centering on the fact that a disproportionate number of the involuntary donors so selected were African American.

Soon Grandma Nyx's body reached the ground floor, and she was lifted into the locked and upright position. "Well, well, lookie at what we got here! if it isn't my second most famous grandchild come to visit me at last. What's been keeping you nigh these four years?"

"Well, I've been away at college, Meemaw. But I'm here now." Hansel said. "I would have been here earlier, but my sister seemed to have your care down to a science. But since she disappeared, I've been elected to do the honors."

"Short end of the straw, eh? Well then let's get cracking. You can start by bringing those deliveries downstairs for me." She nodded toward a pile of Amazon Prime boxes sitting in the corner of the foyer.

"By the way I like your new red riding hood, Granny Nyx," Hansel said. "I swear I've seen that hood before." Just like Gretel's, he thought, but instinctively held his tongue.

"eBay," Grammy Nyx said by way of explanation.

"I also like your new gleaming teeth. Your sharpened incisors are way Goth, just like all the kids are wearing these days.

"Compliments of Invisalign," the rejuvenated crone said. "All the better to eat you with!" Granny Nyx whispered, pointedly lowering her gaze to Hansel's crotch. "If you know what I mean."

Hansel's tool grew to rival the woodsman's axe leaning in the corner of Grammy Nyx's cottage.

"Granny, with your kohl-darkened eyes, you could be a 22-year-old," he told the beautiful hag. "OK Grandma Nyx, I'll get right on it." Hansel picked up seven boxes of something called 'Granny Lube'. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what it was used for, but he could guess. A shudder went down his spine. To still his mind, he quietly chanted the three refuges:

"I take my refuge in Alexa.

"I take my refuge in the Prime.

"I take my refuge in Jeff Bezos.

The peace was soon broken by the raspy voice of Grandma Nyx. "Hansie, darling, could you be an angel and open that plastic one? I swear I think that childproofing should be called harridan-proofing. Don't you agree?"

Hansel picked up a device that resembled a hi-tech water pistol, save for its phallic barrel. He had a pretty good idea what its purpose was. There were three speed settings: massage, hyper-pump, and ultra-ream. He struggled with the child-proof and consumer-proof hard plastic cover that protected seemingly every technical device that was manufactured these days.

"Let me help you with that," Granny Nyx said. Give it over here, Hansie," she said, reaching out with her left hand.

Hansel forked it over, and Granny Nyx spoke into the air. "Alexa, Dr. Scholl me." A Dr. Scholl's kiosk materialized at the foot of the stairs. Probably just self-assembling nanobots, Hansel supposed. Granny Nyx gingerly stepped out of the Acorn Stair Lift onto the Scholl footpads. Not only did the kiosk spit out and install new rubber soles for Granny's feet, but it also injected a titanium endoskeleton that grew like vines around her existing bones, reinforcing them so that she could bench press a semi with one arm. This is why 90 is the rapidly becoming the new 22, Hansel supposed. Granny Nyx then used her new titanium fangs to tear through the plastic casing off the Squirtmaster 500 as though it was made of paper or human flesh). She slapped the batteries into the Squirtmaster into as though they were a new clip in an assault rifle.

She held the Squirtmaster 500 against her ear and fired it up in ultra-ream mode, She seemed transfixed as though she were being carried aloft into heaven itself by the sweet music of the super-dildo.

"Hansie, where are my manners? You're my only grandson, and this is the first day I have seen you in five years, and here I am drilling my own coochie like a some haggard burned-out 90-year-old whore. Here, let me treat you to a cup of my famous horny goat weed tea. I've got some on the burner now.

Granny walked over to the cupboard, and selected two Ming-dynasty tea cups, which she placed on the small table sitting in the kitchen . Nyx and Hansel sat down at the table, and Nyx poured the hot concoction into the aforementioned teacups. Despite the general agility of her movements, when Nyx stood up to replace the teapot on the stove, she stumbled against the table, spilling the hot liquid directly onto Hansel's crotch.

Granny Nyx quickly placed her hand on her long-lost grandson's lap in an effort to cheer up his semi-boiled genitalia.

"I'm sorry. Gramma Nyx. I know that those cups must have been 500-year old Ming-dynasty porcelain."

"Ah, those were mere trinkets. At most 475 years old But what about these precious family jewels? They are more important than mere porcelain.

She reached down to cup said orbs, which jumped nearer to launch position. She held them in her right hand and juggled them like a tennis player deciding which ball to use on match point at Wimbledon.

"Well, I guess the family genetic aspirations are in very good hands, or should I say conjones. The family line is not going to die out anytime soon. No siree. I'll bet you have the combined population of China and India in in there."

Hansel's cheeks began to flush in embarrassment at his grandmother's compliments.

"Well, your balls seemed to have made it through their scalding bath without harm. Let's see if the same can be said of the family totem pole," Granny Nyx, said as she pulled down his Haynes jockey shorts, and his Colossus of Rhodes sprang free from its cotton (albeit tag-less) prison. She gave said shaft a playful slap and it went into metronome-like motion.

She caught Hansel's pillar on the back swing, and wrapped her arthritic, bespeckled fingers around it. "Oh my, how you've grown, Hansie" Nyx said. "I must have changed your diaper a thousand times. I knew you were going to be heart-breaker but I never imagined this.

"Let me taste you, my long-lost itinerant grandchild," Granny Nyx said. She ran her sharpened nails around and around the hood of Hansel's shaft, drawing a thin line of blood on each rotation. He gasped at each iteration. She tightened her grip, pressing her claws deeply into the trembling flesh of his virgin tallywacker, and a single bead of cum emerged from the single eye of his magnificent plonker. Delicately, she lowered the tip of her tongue to taste his jizz. Mmm, she thought, a taste of ginger combined with just a hint of abject fear. This one was going to be a keeper. Unlike the last five.

She sprawled over him like a spider fixing to consume her mate. She lowered herself so that her soft nipples barely touched her grandson's yearning naked flesh, keeping Hansel in a state of maximal arousal. "You may not come, until I tell you can. Do you understand?"

Hansel nodded like a bobblehead doll. "Yes Gramma," he said.

"What did you call me?"

"I mean, 'Yes Mistress,'" Hansel said.

"That's more like it," Nyx said. "I'm going to eat you now. If you come without permission, I am going eat you literally rather than figuratively." She nodded in the direction of the outsize oven /crematorium that took up half of her parlor to make her point. Do you understand?"

"Hai, Mistress."

"Let me taste the nectar of the gods again," Nyx said. as she lapped another jizz bead from the eye of Hansel's straining cyclopes. She then took the entire helmet into her mouth and began to slide her lips up and down her grandson's throbbing shaft.

Hansel felt the heat and building pressure of the bull juice within his balls. He knew he was about to come. To forestall the inevitable, He tried to imagine that Nyx's luscious body was replaced by the naked body of the obese Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

But when he opened his eyes, however, he was once again confronted with the vision of Gramma Nyx's outsized casabas . Although he would have thought it impossible, his tool grew even harder and longer.

Her breasts were sheer perfection, unless you counted the crow's feet on her pectoral muscles, and Hansel definitely wasn't counting them. As far as he was concerned, her age-spotted flesh was as supple as that of an eighteen-year old.

"I see that you like these," Nyx said, lifting her mammoth gazongas and then lowering them in cadence with Hansel's thrusts. "Suck on them, grandson. Let me nurse you, as I longed to when you were young."

Gamma Nyx lowered her right breast to Hansel's eager, gasping mouth. He drew the proffered mega-granny-hooter halfway down his throat, and began to suck it rhythmically, teasing her nipples with his swirling tongue on each pass. "I think I'm about to come," Hansel told his enate ancestor.

"What part of good slave don't you understand? When did I tell you could come?"

"When you told me to, Grandma.,"

"What did you call me, miserable worm?"

"I'm sorry, Grandma Nyx, I mean Mistress."

"Do you want me to help you with your self-control, worm?" You must master your impulses if you are to provide your mistress with the maximum pleasure she demands."

"Hai, Mistress. I will commit seppuku at once."

"And how are you exactly going to accomplish that feat? I have removed all the swords from this room for your protection, including ceremonial tantos and wakizashis. We have also sterilized the toilet in your holding cell, as you will see from the paper band around the seat proudly proclaiming that it has been sanitized for your protection. We don't want any suicides by swirly on our Yelp reviews.

"Mmm, all this talk of steaming hot entrails reminds me that I volunteered to bring the giblets for the staff party this weekend. They will perfectly complement the gingerbread house I am baking right now." She nodded toward the kitchen.

"My, what a big oven you have, Grandma!"

"All the better to bake you in, I mean bake for you , my studly grandson,. I already told you that I was going to bake a life-size gingerbread house. What I didn't tell you is that it's all for you. Hansie," the voluptuous matriarch said. "Just think of it, rent-free and edible if you get hungry. Plus all the deviant, insatiable geriatric sex your little heart desires, What could be better than that?"

Hansel could not argue with that . It was as though he had won the lottery. He could finally tell his sarcastic landlord, one Shecky Greene Jewberg, to buzz the fuck off. "But what if I want to leave?"

"Oh you're perfectly free to go at any time, mein liebchen. It's not like we're back in Dachau." Granny Nix's eyes grew misty as she fondly rhapsodized about her days as counselor-in-training in that venerable institution. "You're not a prisoner here, but a voluntary inmate. But before you decide to go, remember that codicil to my will in which you get over five billion clams if I die?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it will all go away if you leave voluntarily. You are also required to perform any sexual act I command you, to no matter how degrading and no matter how many of your moral scruples, assuming you have any, are violated.

"Works for me," Hansel said. "Where do I sign?

"You already have, my precious," Granny Nyx said, holding up a parchment a la Donald Trump brandishing his outsized hemoglobin-red signature on an executive order.

"Well let's get started then. What would you like to try out first?" Nyx asked motioning with her head toward the pantry, which seem to hold every sadomasochistic device known by man, or in this case woman.

"Drink me a little more, grandson. We're not quite there yet." She plopped her right bazoom into Hansel's gasping mouth. He managed to suck a good third of her proffered honker into his oral cavity. Nyx reached down and grasped his throbbing genitals, and began to stroke his johnson in very creative ways.

"Grandma Nyx, I think I'm about to come. It's my first time and can't hold it much longer."

"You will need to learn more discipline if you want to succeed in this house. I hope that a little premature ejaculation doesn't ruin your financial future.

"Here, I will help you achieve self-control. You are going to need it." Nyx hit Hansel's groin with a Ippon nukite uchi (single finger strike), which tied Hansel's vas deferens into a Gordian knot. "Let's see you ejaculate prematurely now. my horny grandson."

Hansel tried to surrender himself to the fire-hose pressure filling the various ducts of his genitals, but to no avail. He just couldn't come. His balls were throbbing painfully, without any hope of release. Nyx then performed a reverse Ippon nukite uchi, unkinking Hansel's vas deferens. Although he knew that he could come at any time he wanted, he held back the pounding torrent that threatened to break free of his control.

"Not yet, my pet. Your mistress has not yet given you permission to come." Nyx said, raking her nails along Hansel's shaft, drawing thin rivulets of blood that flowed down his aforementioned jizz canon. She reached down and punctured his balls, causing them to jump in her hand. She squeezed them painfully. "Very good, grandson. You are deliciously adept at controlling your pain in the service of your mistress."

"I always aim to please, mistress." And to receive the five billion dollar purse for good behavior, he thought.

"Take my right jug into your mouth again , grandson, and suck it like there is no tomorrow, as there will be no tomorrow if you come before I do. Do you understand?"

"Hai, Grandmother Nyx."

She crammed her right mega-tittie back into Hansel's grasping mouth. He tugged it back and forth.

"Mmm, you suck me nice," Nyx said. "Now, I want you to drink me, to take my liquids into the very core of your being.

Hansel sucked her hard, and felt a few drops of what was presumably breast milk on his tongue. It tasted more like almond milk than true breast milk, but what would he know, being lactose-intolerant for the past decade . He slid up Nyx's milf-like (or should he say ' gilf-like?') body, and then impaled her on his throbbing lance. Nyx let out a gasp of surprise at the depth of his penetration.

"Oh, Hansie,I have dreamed of this moment for years, and you have surpassed my wildest dreams. Before I completely surrender to you, I want you to keep sucking. My tittie is on fire and wants to fill your throat."

Hansel put both hands on Nyx's right bazoom and squeezed it hard, like a recalcitrant tube of toothpaste. Her milk tasted like a combination of barbeque sauce and cold malt liquor. When she could no longer contain her sexual excitement, her fun bag exploded and poured its unholy contents into Hansel's eager mouth. He felt her liquids suffusing his body and burning his throat. His shaft grew even longer and thicker. "What the fuck was that? It sure as hell wasn't normal breast milk. Not that I'm complaining, Grandma."

"That is what we call the dark colostrum grandson."

"Colostrum. Isn't that what they call the nutrient-rich breast milk human mothers put out during the first few weeks of the infant's life?"

"I see you have been boning up on perinatology, so to speak." Nyx said. "But the rules are a little different for those of us who have imbibed the dark colostrum. Incidentally, all of our milk and cheese products are made from the dark colostrum, so that is pretty much everybody, except for those who, for some unfathomable unreason, persist in ordering the vegan pizza from Pizza Hut. Each of us mothers must have her hooters emptied weekly or she shall die. The balls of each man must similarly be drained weekly or he will die. It's all in our genes, honey. There's nothing we can do about it. We are doomed to eternally hunting and raping ourselves. There is no escape for us but death, except for one thing."

"And what's that?"

"Cannibalism The only release from his Wheel of Sexual Karma is to completely devour the hearts of two or more citizens who have partaken of the dark colostrum. If you do this, you will be able to live for eternity, free of craving, as you will be complete. You will no longer have to imbibe your lover's precious sexual fluids once a day just to stay alive.

"You mean no more blow jobs, cornholings, rim jobs, cunnilingus, analingus, guzzling the devil's lemonade, coprophagia and missionary positions (whether they be the Mormon, the more kinky Catholic, or the more literally twisted tantric guru kind)?."

"But Granny Nyx, to borrow a phrase by Julie Andrews, these are few of my favorite things.

"Oh well, you are free to engage in these delightful practices. Indeed, you must if you are to stay alive.

"How is it nobody told me anything about this?"

You had not yet imbibed the dark colostrum. There was no need to tell you. You were free to live as a normal human being, without a care in the world, other than an insatiable need for poontang of every conceivable and inconceivable kind."

The harridan crone seized Hansel's johnson and began to pump it like there was no tomorrow, as in fact there would not be for Nyx, if she did not manage to scarf down the contents of her grandson's family jewels. Her head became a piston, and she was lost in the spasms and tremblings of Hansel's inexperienced, yearning body. She squeezed her grandson's shaft tightly, and slid her head up and down his swollen and by now well-lubricated phallus, and grabbed his aching balls.

The pressure within said orbs grew to apocalyptic proportions. Hansel did not know if he could resist it much longer, but the alternative was unthinkable. "Mmmmm, may I cum yet, Missuss?"

"Mutt mid du may?" Nyx replied, ignoring her own mother's dictum not to speak with her mouth full.

Barely able to contain the growing pressure, Hansel screamed by way of clarification "May this humble slave cum yet, Mistress?"

"What? Oh sorry I forgot about you. My bad. Here, you go, Nyx said, and she performed a reverse ippon nukite uchi (single finger strike), which tied Hansel's vas deferens back into a Gordian knot. "Let's see you ejaculate prematurely now. my horny grandson." After a pounding worthy of a jackhammer at a construction site, Nyx screamed and released her hot fluids all over Hansel's torso.
For his part, Hansel tried to surrender himself to the fire-hose pressure filling the various ducts of his genitals, but to no avail. He just couldn't come. His balls were throbbing painfully, without any hope of release. Mercifully, Nyx performed a another ippon nukite uchi, unkinking Hansel's vas deferens and unblocking the geyser straining within him.

When he came, his jizz blew Nyx's body clean off his own, like a champagne cork ejected from a bottle, and splattering the ceiling, walls and doors of Nyx's cottage with hot jizz and lovely lady juice.

"Damn, that was so fine." Nyx told her grandson as they lay down together. She lit a reefer and passed it to Hansel.

"What's next?" Hansel asked, not without with some trepidation.

"Hey, want to get a little kinky?" Nyx asked.

"If that wasn't literally kinky, I don't know what is. What have you got in mind?"

"We have to get your body ready for you to give your Uncle John everything that Uncle John needs. Same thing for Uncle Reamus."

"What do we need a story teller for?"

"No, you're thinking of Uncle Remus without the 'a', I'm talking about Uncle-Reamus, spelled 'Ream-us.' Get it?"

"Oh, I get it." Hansel said, "I got a feeling I'm going to get it a lot."

"You got that right, my grandson.,"

Nyx called out to an unseen audience. "Can a senior citizen get a retractor dance?"

Hansel heard the distant roar of a machine springing to life in the parlor.

Suddenly steel bands wrapped themselves around Hansel's wrists and ankles. A motor in the bedroom sprang to life and Hansel felt his arms and legs being stretched out of their sockets and his body being pulled tightly in the familiar spread -eagle Y position, so beloved by BDSM enthusiasts everywhere. His body was then rotated from the supine (sunny-side-up) position to the prone (ass up) position favored by cornholers both near and far. For the coupe de gras, Hansel's knees were bent and his legs spread, opening him up to he dark intentions of Granny Nyx, Uncles John and Reamus, and the mob of perverts that had somehow materialized in the foyer of Nyx's edible cottage.

Granny Nyx then went to the roll-up desk and retrieved the Squirtmaster 500 she had purchased earlier that day. "We need to get you ready for dear Uncle John," she said, flipping a switch to turn the infernal super-dildo on. A motor started up quietly but soon grew more intense.

"Hansie, we're going to start off slowly so you are not ruptured. Uncle John will just have to wait until you've been stretched enough to accommodate him. Same goes for Reamus. Did I tell you that the
Squirtmaster 500 has an attachment to stimulate the dominatrix as well, namely moi, while at the same time she is widening your ass. Pretty cool, huh?"

She plugged the aforementioned attachment, which was already set to magnum vibe, nine inches into her soaking wet cooz. She then adjusted the Squirtmaster 500 reamer to the beginner's setting, which was much thinner and shorter than the schvantzes of Hansel's anally-fixated and soon-to-be-gratified maternal uncles, into Hansel's virgin ass.

Nyx shoved said infernal device up to the hilt in Hansel's colon without warning, Hansel let out a gasp at the depth of this violation of the sanctity of his body.

Nyx began to rock the training dildo back and forth in Hansel's unprepared rectum. He called out in pain, but Nyx climbed on top of him, her huge breasts lying softly on his back. She stroked his hair and bent to take his earlobe into her mouth. "Shhh," she whispered. "Everything will be all right grandson. We've got to stretch you a little bit so that Uncle Reamus and Uncle John won't tear you apart. Do you want them to tear you apart?"

"No, Granny Nyx"

She ran her painted fingernails up and down Hansel's trembling naked back.

"Sssh," she said, and she flipped the dominatrix dildo switch to 'Max Thrust.' The infernal device, already embedded nine inches into Nyx's love tunnel, began to whine and hum and smoke. Soon it began to pound its way in and out of Nyx's well-practiced dark passage. Nyx pushed the SuperVibe button on the Squirtmaster 500. She reached beneath Hansel's chained body and grabbed his balls in her right hand and his phallus in her left. She began to pump his shaft as she silently gave his balls the Captain Queeg treatment. straight out of the Caine Mutiny Court Martial script.

Hansel knew he was getting close to another cybernetically-induced orgasm. That was something that he could not afford to do without the express written consent of Nyx and the National Football League.

Sweat began to pour down his brow. Nyx patted his forehead dry with a towel. "There, there, baby. Do you think Granny Nyx would harm her favorite grandson." She kissed his ear and ran her tongue sensually around its throbbing convolutions.

Hansel heard Nyx changing the attachment on the Squirtmaster 500, slapping it into place like the silencer on a Magnum 357. The air surrounding Hansel's wang soon began to vibrate even faster, attaining what Hansel suspected was a supersonic speed on each oscillation.

"Hey" Nyx said to her minions, "my grandson needs the full-treatment if he is to become a man on his vision quest.. I see a few un-penetrated orifices out here. Let's go people. Don't miss any opportunity. We've got to get this right, there are no do-overs here. How about you Big Mamma Kane? I know you can swallow a chuck roast in a single bite "

"I'm a little busy sucking Beulah's right hooter right now. It's a full-time job."

"What about you, Beulah? Surely you've got something better to do than nurse on Big Momma Kane all morning."

"Not really. Did you know that her breast milk is 80% malt liquor and 20% hard ginger ale? I mean that's a DUI every time the bitch gets behind the wheel."

"Well, be that as it may, I've got a throbbing, unsucked cock over here. This fire is not going to extinguish itself. C'mon people, I want everyone on anything that moves and nobody spills a drop of our precious bodily fluids. Get over here, Uncle John. Get on Hansel's twanger. His orgasm must be complete. Let no orifice go unplumbed," Nyx commanded her minions. Uncle John pulled Hansel's rock- hard wanger out from beneath him, revealing his tight, smooth ass and throbbing, turgid member. The trinity of Hansel's genitals was now exposed and vulnerable to the intentions of his sadomasochistic uncle.

Here we go again, thought Uncle John. Everybody's needs but mine. Obediently, Uncle John's lips closed around the helmet of Hansel's tumescent shaft. He began to slide his head up and down that mighty horizontal pillar and his tongue began to corkscrew around Hansel's happy pole, in way reminiscent of John's last encounter with Long Tall Sally, not to mention his repeated switch-hitter dalliances with Long Dong Silver, one of the idols of Supreme Justice Clarence Thomas.

The pressure was building inside Hansel and the other suckers, fuckers and buckers in the room, and there was a group seismic-volcanic explosion that likely set a new recorded for collective jizz expulsions in an edible house.

"Plug the other holes, people. All of them." Nyx said. clapping her hands and, and saying, "Chop, chop,"

Nyx's nephew, Porcupine Clem, climbed onto Hansel's face and inserted thick quills into Hansel's nostrils and ear canals, and began to pump each of these not-so minor fuck holes with extreme prejudice (to borrow a phrase from Apocalypse Now). In a few minutes, there were no longer any recognizable human clan members, only a pulsating blob of pink protoplasm, rivaling that of the eponymous Blob in the 1958 movie of the same name starring Steve McQueen. Said blob began to vibrate and throb in unison. The resulting throbbing-3,000 pound ostensible wad of well-chewed piece of Bazooka gum then exploded into thousands of apparent dandelion spores, which filled the air in the parlor and dining room of Nyx's gingerbread house.

The white spore parachutes wafted throughout Nyx's house and began to feed off the gingerbread walls. In no time the spores coalesced and metamorphosed back into the figures of Nyx, Uncles John and Reamus, Hansel, Gretel and. all the other celebrants lurking behind the current delusion. Many of the reassembled celebrants sported a lit postcoital reefer dangling from their lips.

Nyx took a long drag on her joint and passed it to Hansel. "Is it just me, or was this the best sex of all time?"

Hansel took a long drag on the proffered blunt, and said, "It wasn't just you, Grandma." He passed the joint back to Nyx, who fumbled her cell phone, which Hansel retrieved from the floor. He flicked it open and began to type in a text message.

Nyx tried to her phone away from Hansel. "What part of nondisclosure agreement don't you understand, grandson?"

Hansel hastily typed a final character and hit the send button.

He handed the phone back to Nyx. "My bad, Granny Nyx. Here you go. Just checking my stock portfolio."

"Well make sure it doesn't happen again. If it does, you know the consequences."

"Yeah, right, burn me at the stake, draw and quarter me. The same old, same old. Yada, yada. Boring,"

"You should read the fine print, grandson. It's bake you in an oven and eat you.

"You're never going to do it," Hansel taunted his Grandma. "Mom won't allow it."

"You've missed the last five family reunions, grandson. If you had come, you would know that your mom is no longer. She was brutally murdered in New Orleans two years ago, despite earning over 300 chains of titty beads. She was always a crowd pleaser, that one."

"Mommy dead? Oh no, Boo hoo. Who's gonna strap me down and flay me? Let me guess. You guys are." Hansel began bobbing his head and swept an arm over the eager audience safely ensconced behind the barrier of triply-reinforced super-Plexiglas that also served as a one-way mirror. The frenzied crowd began rhythmically pounding their fists into their palms and chanting "Hansel. Hansel, Hansel..."

SAVING THE WORLD

The house lights went black. Moments later, two spotlights came on, one centered on Hansel, and the other centered on Gretel, his long lost sister who had been missing for years. Both were stripped naked and chained . At the sight of Gretel's naked form, Hansel's well-exercised shaft rose in hopeful anticipation. "Gretsie, I never thought I would see you again. But here you are, the Gretzinator, the Great Gretsky. the..."

"Let's wave the reciting of nicknames, Hansie, Just the sight of you is making my cooz dripping wet. Do you know how long I have fantasized about you?"

"I too had such wicked thoughts about you, my forbidden sister. It is well past time to consummate our lust."

"Lust, lust, lust, lust..." the unseen crowd began to chant, delighted to recognize a term that fell within their limited vocabulary.

Hansel walked over to Gretel, who knelt on the gingerbread floor before him. She wrapped her trembling fingers around her younger brother's straining shaft.

Hansel swept his gaze over the unseen crowd lurking behind the one-way mirror walls that surrounded the amphitheater of Nyx's life-size gingerbread house. They beat their chairs rhythmically, chanting "Incest, incest, incest..."

"I think they want us to bone each other, sis," Hansel said.

"You think?" Gretel replied. "Then let's give them a show. It's the only thing that will keep us alive to bonk another day.

A third spotlight came on, revealing the figure of Bruce Buffer, the dulcet-voiced official announcer of the UFC. While a few janitorial types swept the blood and entrails from the previous bout from the gingerbread floor of Nyx' cottage/amphitheater/octagon, Buffer raised the microphone to his lips.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Main Event of the Evening. Fucking out of the blue corner, Hansel Gingersnap, standing at 6 feet two and weighing in at 195 pounds This fucker has a wingspan of 6 feet 8 inches and is a specialist in the reach-around for grotesquely obese chicks.

"Fucking out of the red corner, Gretel Gingersnap. She is a mixed erotic artist. She stands at five feet 8 inches, with a wing span of 5 feet 10 inches. Her hooters fill a quad D cup, and she has a throat depth of 10 inches penetration. Her ass has been reamed to fit a 4-inch diameter cock.

"This bout has been sanctioned by the Black Crow Clan of the Otter moiety. The sacrifice of these brave warriors will insure that the People of the White Dawn will climb through the portal used by Coyote when he emerged from the underworld into the Land of the People. Their deaths will allow the People to enter into the world of the Sky Gods and rest at the right hand of Wakan-Tanka. Without their sacrifices the People would be trapped in this shithouse realm forever.

"Sacrifice? Did you say 'sacrifice?" Hansel said in a panicked voice. "I didn't sign up for no sacrifice."

"Sure, you did," Nyx said. Remember last year's Burning Man ceremony? The Opening of the Veins ritual? Not only did you sign on, but you did it in blood."

"But I was high on peyote, acid, 'ludes, ayahuasca and angel dust, not to mention four gallons of malt liquor."

"You should have thought of that before you opened your veins, grandson. It's too late now. A deal's a deal.

"Somebody get over here and chain these love birds together. In full deep coital position."

Two thugs came over and stood Hansel up. Nyx knelt before him. "It falls to me to fluff you, grandson. I will get you ready for your ordeal. Not that it's going to be much of an ordeal, when you are porking your sister, who is the most fetching and zaftig member of our humble clan."

Nyx ran her hand over Hansel's washboard abs. She lifted his magnificent cock and began to slowly lick her way up and down his thighs and over the highly-sensitive frenulum on the ventral side of his already rock-hard shaft. She lifted his cock higher, exposing his throbbing testicles to her merciless attention. She batted his willing balls into pendulum motion reminiscent of the colliding balls of the popular Newton's Cradle toy, which collided with each other on each iteration. His cock rose even higher, feeling the power of Nyx's total domination of him.

"Bring the wench here and chain her to the Fuck Table." Nyx commanded. "Uncles Ben, Sam, Fester, Vanya and Scrooge, get off your asses and help them. At that moment, Vanya's ass was posting up and down on Nephew Huey's cock, while Uncles Ben and Sam were taking the same ride on Nephews Dewey and Louie's shafts.

Somehow a foot fetishist had managed to break though the barricades and was eagerly sucking Uncle Scroooge's webbed toes.

Soon, Gretel was strapped into a spread-eagle position, her ass cheeks, cooz and throbbing clit exposed to rapt gaze of the Clan members hidden behind the mirrored wall.

Bruce Buffer came to the fore once more. "Before we execute this year's Sky Boy and Sky Girl, note that on Labor Day we'll be holding our annual Anal Lollapalooza over at the V.F.W. and on Columbus Day we will be having our bring-the-whole-family weenie roast over at Segundo Beach."

Hansel's cock sagged at the mention of weenie roasts, having too many bad memories of similar Clan events.

"And now for the method of execution. This year the top ten vote-getters were (a) burning at the stake, (b) drawing and quartering, (c) poisoning, (d) lethal injection, (e) garroting, (f) guillotining, (g), extra-crispy electrocution, and (h) this year's winner, gas.

At the mention of gas, Grandma Nyx jumped two feet in the air, clapped her hands together, and said, "Goody goody."

"I think she likes it," Bruce Buffer said to the assembled members behind the mirrored wall.

Not only did Granny Nyx like it, she was positively ecstatic. She was going to relieve her halcyon days at Dachau, Auschwitz, and Bergen-Belsen. What greater joy could there be than that?

She sniffed the air. "I love the smell of Zyklon B in the morning," she told the assembled multitude. "Put them in the oven." The crowd grabbed the pair of Sky Twins and led them into the room-sized oven of her gingerbread mansion.

Volunteers stepped forth to rechain and restrap Hansel and Gretel, aka Sky Boy and Sky Girl. Gretel soon found herself strapped even more tightly than before onto the fuck chair. Nyx carefully guided Hansel into Gretel. "A perfect fit," Nyx proclaimed, "as it should be between brother and sister."

"What do you want us to do?" Hansel said.

"I want you to what comes naturally," Nyx said. "My apologizes to Doris Day."

"You mean you want to fuck my sister again?"

"I mean I want you to fuck her with extreme prejudice. I want you to fuck her until both of your heads. explode. And here's the clincher. If you cum at the same time, the Zyklon B will be bumped into the injection chamber, and you will both be asphyxiated."

"You know, that takes most of the fun out of mutual orgasms," Hansel said. "I am, not sure if I can cum if it's going to kill me."

"You make a good point grandson," Nyx said, "but we have thought of everything." She stepped up and slapped a device onto Hansel's neck. He was almost instantly aware of his penis rising. Soon it began to throb, and Hansel was aware of a thousand electrodes snaking their way through his brain and into myriad pleasure centers in his cerebral cortex. His rod throbbed in anticipation of great pleasure. "What did you to me?" He asked Nyx."

"Don't worry, it's just the Methuselah staff. Its a premature ejaculation cure I bought on eBay It can increase a man's time to orgasm from 30 seconds to almost two years. It should be enough to get you through your ordeal.

"I'll still never able to last," he told Gretel. Nyx slapped a device on Gretel's neck.

"What's that?" Hansel asked the crone.

"They call it the ice breaker. It's a frigidity cure I bought on Amazon. It'll make your cooz dripping wet even if you have been deceased for many years. It's been a top selling geriatric aphrodisiac for over three years now.

Gretel felt herself getting wet, her clit throbbing in unchecked desire.

"Oh Hansie, I don't know if I am going to be able to last," she said.

"I've got faith in you sis. You can do it. You have to."

A chant rose up from the crowd, "Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her."

It looks like they want me to fuck you, sis."

"You think?" Gretel said.

"What part of 'fuck her' don't you get?" Nyx grabbed Hansel's ear tightly, with the full strength of her newly-acquired Dr. Scholl's titanium endoskeleton. She used his ear to force him to plunge his throbbing cybernetic banana in and out of his helpless sister.

"Hansie, I have dreamt of this with all my heart ever since we were torn apart from each other," Gretel said. But not like this. Not with the gas chamber, which kind of spoils it for me."

"Let's see if I can help," Nyx said, and she pushed two buttons on the clicker she held in her right hand, sending an intricate pattern of neural activity into Hansel's brain.

Hansel immediately began to thrust in and out of his hapless sister, with extreme prejudice as earlier commanded, although his trusts were involuntary and driven by electrical impulses activated in his cerebellum by Nyx's clicker. At the same time Gretel's love tunnel began contracting in waves, milking her brother's Kielbasa for all it was worth, activated once again by Nyx's clicker.

"This isn't fair," Hansel told Nyx. "You're not even giving us a chance."

"You want a chance, you need to hold the clicker, my grandson, and right now it's in my hand. She turned a dial at the bottom of the clicker, and Hansel's thrusts became faster and faster. The contractions of Gretel's love tunnel also became faster and faster. "I'm not sure how long I can last." she told her brother. "I think I'm gonna cum."

"Don't do that, Gretzie. Try to last a little longer or we will be fucked."
"I kinda think that we're getting fucked right now, bother. Tell me if you disagree."

"We have a code red," Bruce Buffer announced. "All personnel should vacate the gingerbread oven at once. Orgasm is imminent."

The crowd began to exit from the oven and ran to the spectators' grandstand behind the one-way mirror, slamming the door behind them. Now they were sealed away from the execution chamber.

Gretel began to shake violently as Hansel began to pound her sugar walls harder and harder. "I can't hold out much longer," she said, as her contractions of her cunt began to milk Hansel's shaft at a faster and faster rate.

"Me either," Hansel told his hypererotic and delightfully incestuous sister.

Nyx punched a button on her clicker, and everyone could hear the sounds of the Xyklon B canister being dumped into the ejection chamber over their heads.

Nyx knocked on the mirrored window. " OK kids, you're about meet your maker. Any thoughts or last words, before I push the final button?

"I got a couple," Hansel said. "Alexa, buy the shopping cart."

"That's it? You're using your final words to make an Amazon purchase?" Gretel said.

"Those aren't my final words. These are," Hansel said.

"What's the diff? We're both going to be dead in a minute." Gretel said. Just then brother and sister came together in a mutual organism of apocalyptic proportions.

"That's it," Nyx exclaimed. "Sayonara, Sky Boy and Sky Girl. You're going to save the cosmos. Again."

Nyx pushed the final button in the sequence, and the Xyklon B gas was injected into the oven. It could be worse, Hansel thought . At least they put in a good shot of aerosol pine air freshener to mask the stench of the gas.

Soon, the Sky Twins began to lose consciousness. Suddenly there was great roar, as if a thousand airplanes of perhaps megadrones circled overhead.

"Wait for it. Wait for it," Hansel told his nymphomaniac sister. "OK, here it comes."

Suddenly, the gingerbread house was hit by a thousand 200-pound iron meteorites. "What the fuck?" Gretel said. What did you do, my brother?".

"I ordered 2000 anvils from Amazon Super-Prime. Shipping time on Super-Prime is two minutes." Hansel told Sky Girl.

"Wow, that's a pretty good deal!" she told Sky Boy. I'll have to remember that for my next impulse buy."

The gingerbread house was burnt toast at that point. The onlookers emerged from the grandstand looking like the dust-covered, three-piece-suit-wearing, dazed executives who aimlessly wandered the streets of lower Manhattan on 9-11. Aside from the titanium-reinforced oven, nothing else in Nyz's compound was left standing. Hansel shook his head, trying to clear his mind from two separate concussions.

Gretel was pawing her way through rubble, and soon came up with a prize: Nyx's clicker.

"Oh brother, lookie what I found." she brandished the clicker in Hansel's direction.

Hansel raised his hands in a half-hearted defense. "You are truly evil, Sis. Truly evil."

"You ain't seen nothing yet, Sky Boy," Gretel's fingers skipped a light fandango over the buttons of Nyx's, clicker, seeking the optimum combination. Hansel's face turned a whiter shade of pale. His scepter rose to a towering granite-hard height once more."

"OK Sky Girl,". he said, rubbing his still-tingling hands together. "Let's save the universe again."
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