*****PART 1*******

Until I Find You Again

Intro: From Neil Diamond's "Hello Again"



Hello again hello

I just called to say hello

I couldn't sleep

At all tonight

And I know its late

I just couldn't wait

Hello my friend hello

I just called to let you know

I think about you every night

When I'm here alone

And your there at home

Hello





And so it begins....



It's 1997. It's Christmas Eve, I am bored after having come home from a party held by my friend Jennifer. Being Jewish, there is only so much one can do during the Christmas Holidays. That must mean about 3/4 the state of NJ are pacing just as I am. The other 1/4 is split between raunchy, Cavaricci-clad Italians and Asians that have degrees beyond Post-Doctorates. I think they have Post-Post-Post-Post-Post-Post Doctorate Degrees, something like that. Who cares? They are saving the World one by one. It's all good. Yes indeed, NJ is the most over populated state for it's size, and also the leader in us Jewish Princesses with thick Jersey accents and hair as high as the Empire State Building. Us Jersey girls, we so fine. Just listen the John Waits Song "Jersey Girl" made famous by none other than the fellow Jersey Band Bon Jovi and of course THE BOSS of Jersey, Bruce Springsteen........Just saying.



You know she thrills me with all her charms

When I'm wrapped up in my baby's arms

My little girl gives me everything

I know that some day she'll wear my ring

So don't bother me man I ain't got no time

I'm on my way to see that girl of mine

'Cause nothing matters in this whole wide world

When you're in love with a Jersey girl

Sha la la la la la la

Sha la la la la la la la la

Sha la la la la la la la

Sha la la la I'm in love with a Jersey girl



Ok, back to being Jewish in Jersey.

It's late, almost midnight. I am pacing my Apartment thinking what am I to do when I can't sleep and there is nothing on TV? I grabbed my newspaper and started reading out of boredom. Don't judge! I am an avid reader, and as you guessed it, an avid Writer. All the years of writing short stories, being an Editor of my School Newspaper is about to come in handy. Though I must admit, I was pretty athletic too. I could cheer, kick ass at Softball and believe it or not was fabulous at Hockey, Tap, Soccer, Dance and eating Licorice. Huh?

Anyways... I came to the classified sections, staring at me was something called a "Party Line" what fun, right? Well, being I just came from a party, why not keep it going! I get comfortable by changing into a nightgown and grab my phone and dial the number. I lounge out on the couch all cozy with my little cat, and get ready for the ride of my life.

I was directed to choose between going into a group chat or private chat. What the heck, I hit #2 for private chat. I had to leave a greeting for the Men to hear. Which I did. Briefly stating how old I was (22) and a little about myself. One thing I have always been told is I have a great phone voice. My Ex-Boss used to have all the Guys request me to fulfill their orders for power tools, screws and nails. Yes, I know about that stuff. My Boss, Tom would say "Ali, Joe wants you, line 2" "Ali, Brian wants you, line 3" "Ali, Ali, Ali" Half the conversations were like this: "Hey Ali! How are you? It's great to talk to you again. I need to place an order please. Tell me what's new with you? Oh, I need to order 2 Packs of 1/4" Galvanized Nails and so how is work? Everything well with you? How is your new cat? This was typical. My Boss would tell me "Keep doing whatever you are doing, these Men are ordering like crazy. Well, I thought...I am not doing anything but taking their orders. Weird. For some reason Men are drawn to my voice. So it was fitting that I was about to be on a party-line filled with Men.

When I was finished with my greeting, I was put in a Que of other bored (maybe Jewish?) women, and men would cycle through with their own greetings. If you liked what you heard, you can connect with them by hitting the # symbol, and vice versa for the men. I went through man after man and nothing made me want to chat with them...They all said "Hey Baby, Wanna Fuck on the phone?" "Hey Sweet-thang, I'm horny, I bet you are too?" Ahh, screw this I thought. I'm becoming Catholic. I'll drink that Egg-nog crap and sing Christmas Carols til' the Reindeer crash into Windows from being high on whiffing the Ozone layer, all that loopy flying due to that abusive, narcissistic guy they called Santa. Hey, Santa, I've been a verrrrryyy good girl, by the way! This Jewish thing sucks. Tonight.

I was about to hang up and call it a night.

But....

At the last minute, before deciding to hang up, I found someone who's voice I liked, who simply stated his name, and that he was just looking to chat with someone nice. Well, well, well, I AM NICE! CONNECTION MADE! WAHOO!

It was Ryan. He was 26 years old. Oooo An older man I thought. I like that. He had such a calming voice. I really loved the way he spoke. A wonderful tone about him that just drew you in. I was intrigued. We chatted it up about everything. It turned out he was in the service and working in an important Government Building and he was pulling duty. I thought gee, how fun to be stuck at work in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve. Is he Jewish?

We talked and talked and talked for hours. I remember him asking lots of questions about me. I also recall lots of laughing. Before I knew it, the Sun was coming out. I didn't even want to say goodbye, but he needed to leave the Office and I needed something called SLEEP! He gave me his work number, stated he would not be on the Party Line much as it was just a whim he went on. He suggested I call him soon. We had such a great time chatting, our connection was obvious. I felt comfortable enough with him, that I too, gave him my phone number. We said our goodbye's and off to bed I went - in the morning hour. I would still be Jewish when I woke up, and had to endure one more day of this Christmas Crap. I'll order in...Chinese Food. Or wait, maybe they are closed and are studying for another "Post" Degree. We Jews are so screwed in Jersey.

The next evening, the phone rings. I look at my Caller ID that was as heavy as a brick, and saw some twisted Government nonsense number come up. I thought to myself, Shit, they found me. I did it Officer, I did it. I shot the Reindeer. Take me away now. Oh, and by the way Officer, Santa is laying in a pool of Egg Nog on 38th Street behind that Drag-Queen that sings Ava Maria on the corner with a cigarette hanging between his lips. her lips. I mean his or her lips. Shit, Lips. Officer, look how cute I am. Are you seriously going to do me in because of this Christmas crap?

It was Ryan. I was so happy he called me. Once again we hit it off and talked for a couple of hours. I thought wow, this is odd. I didn't think I would find someone I would want to actually continue talking to outside of that silly party line, and what do you know, he too had to be stuck in exile once again on this big time Jesus day. But it was apparent that this was something that wasn't going to be a flash in the pan thing. Before hanging up, he gave me his pager # too.

Ryan and I ended up forming a wonderful bond. We would chat almost everyday. We talked about our families, our work, our friends and most importantly, about us. I felt so wonderful talking with him. Laughing with him and discussing any and everything with him. I started to learn so much about him and I only hoped to learn even more in time.

Days would go by and our talks intensified. One night, while talking on the phone. We started having phone sex. I had kinda experienced phone sex before so I knew what to do, what to say, and what would happen. But, it was different with Ryan. It really was special. It was real. It was like we were truly in each other's presence during it. I trusted him. Ryan and I were starting to learn about one another inside and out. I opened up to him and told him I was waiting until marriage to have sex (I plead the 5th your Honor) He was very understanding and sensitive to the subject. While having phone sex, we basically left out the "sex" part of it. Funny, right? Well not for us. We managed just well. So well in fact, that we would start having phone sex all the time. It was like a drug for us. We couldn't stop. We would have it during the morning, during the middle of the day, during the evening. While I was in the car, in the tub, on the floor, in my bed, while I was in my office, while I was in a public bathroom, while I was on the kitchen counter, straddling the arm of my couch, laying on the dining room table, on my stairs, anywhere and everywhere. Sometimes he would call me so late in the night and wake me up by whispering to me and saying sweet things. Not with the intention of having phone sex, but what is one to do when you are cozy under the covers talking to a Love? It was so good. The moment he would blow me a kiss on the phone and say "Hey Baby Love" in his low, sweet and sincere voice, my legs seemed to spread like an accordion and I would start dripping drops out from my treasure box (as Ryan would call it) But our phone relationship was taking on a whole new level. Our feelings for one another started getting deeper, and even the phone sex started getting more intense. Considering Ryan is a very sexual person, I didn't know how this would go.

It was not all about phone sex. Phone sex just seemed to be one sliver in the entire relationship we were forming. How can this even be possible? We never even met I thought. But it didn't matter. It was mutual and that made everything alright.

We decided to exchange pictures. Now being that it is 1997, we did not do e-mail. So it was all snail mail. I waited eagerly for my picture of My Ryan to arrive. I would get so excited that I would toss all my bills on the floor looking for that special envelope. Cable Bill? Eff that, Credit Card Bills? Eff that, Electric Bill? Who cares? Picture O' Picture please be here!

FINALLY! It arrived. I opened it up so quickly I think I cut a few paper cuts! No, FOR REAL!

OH MY! THAT is MY Ryan? I thought while I looked at the picture. NO WAY. UGH, just figures. I held the picture closer to my face, took a more pronounced look at it and shook my head. HOW could this happen?

Oh now don't go jumping the gun and get the wrong idea of what I mean. I know you are. Do you really think I am THAT picky, THAT superficial? In all seriousness, I am not. The furthest thing from that.

Ok, I can't hold back any longer.

I LOVED THE PICTURE! LOVED LOVED LOVED it. My heart melted. He was so beautiful. He was so my type. It wasn't all physical. It just all came together. Would I have felt the same about Ryan had I not thought that of his picture? Absolutely. That's just me. It's not all about looks for me. It just made it better that I thought he was super handsome. I wouldn't have cared what anyone else thought about him. He was beautiful to me and that is the only thing I was concerned with.

YUM-MY! I'm SO getting my phone sex on with him double time tonight I thought.

Screw that, I can't wait. Panties go off, legs get spread, finger gets wet and well, you know what cums next.

Geesh, as I write this and think of us, I wish I was climbing up on his lap and doing all sorts of wonderful things to him. I crave being on his lap. I also get very turned on when a Man can handle a "weighty & curvy" woman and do not think twice about it. If I was sitting on his lap right now, I would be feeling his hard cock beneath me and his arms would be wrapped around my back while my hands hold his face kissing him softly and deeply. Running my tongue across his lips, kissing his nose, his ears, his eye lids, his cheeks, his neck. Oh how I would love to be on his lap right now. Nothing overly sexual. Just sitting on him, kissing him and nuzzling my face in his neck and smelling his scent. My hands under his shirt caressing his back. Him pulling my tightly to him so our chests are compressed together. Our mouths open and breathing into one another and just holding one another and enjoying the moments. My pussy letting out drops of my wetness. Then sliding off of his lap onto my knees, parting his legs, rubbing his cock through his pants before removing them...looking up at him as I lick his cock into my mouth with one long taste all the way in. I can just look at him and he gets me so damn wet. He knows it too. That is so hot. If a Man can get me that wet just by looking at me, you know that once I am touched, I am pushed to or near the edge. Ryan and I know so much about each other sexually that we can stare at each other and it gets heated.

Crap... better get back to this story. HECK! I haven't even met him yet

Ok, so now we fast forward. Obviously he enjoyed my picture I sent him because well, I'll get to that.

Months go by and Ryan and I are still chatting on an almost everyday basis. I would page him often and he would always call me back and tell me he had butterflies in his stomach every time he saw my phone # came across that pager of his. So sweet.

For work, he had to travel all over the World. FOR REAL. This Boy, he traveled to every destination that most people could only dream of. He would send me post cards from most places. Telling me he wished I could share the experiences with him. He also would send me little trinkets now and then. Being Jewish (not that you would have guessed that by now), he got me a tiny Star of David necklace while in Israel. He got me a pretty pearl necklace while in China and a bunch of other wonderful items on his travels. It was so special. I appreciated that he thought enough of me to actually spend his hard earned money on me with these little gifts from his heart. It touched me. I too, loved sending him little gifts. Random things like A Snow Globe, Kitchen Mitt and Towels, Pepperoni Sticks, Panties... Hey, why not?

This was getting deep.

One day, while he was visiting his family on the West Coast for his High School 10 Year Reunion, he called from his Parent's home. I was not home at the time, but he left me a message. He sounded really down. He said he just wanted to hear my voice and talk with me. At the end of the message, he said "I love you" UHM WHAT? REWIND!!! REWIND!!! REWIND!!! Yep, I heard right, he said "I love you" Umm, what the heck, let's REWIND ONE MORE TIME..... CODE RED! ALERT! We have a Jewish Woman down on the ground. CPR NEEDED STAT! DOCTOR, this woman requests CPR by someone named Ryan and Ryan only. She also muffled something about seeking help for Santa and his Reindeer and they need to get to the Emergency Room and quickly.

HOLY CRAP. I hung up the phone from listening to the message. After having dialed it again to listen to it, and well, yes, I listened to it a fourth time too. I thought, what does that mean? Can you really love someone you never actually met? Well what do I care. I have a great guy in my life that cares so much for me, that spoils me the best he can in the way we were living. He genuinely enjoys wasting his hours with me on the phone. I'm so going with it. Besides, I was falling in love with him as well, he just made the first move on it. I really loved that about him. He felt strong enough in his feelings that he could be so honest about how he felt back then with me. Even though my Friends had boyfriends that were not created through a phone, and I had been a revolving door myself with this guy or that guy, Ryan told me that what we had was just as special and to not question who or what we are. That we were just as important. I believed him.

I didn't call him back, but he did me, much later in the night. We spoke and he told me what was going on while out in his native California. During our conversation, I asked him if he meant what he said when he told me he loved me. I will never forgot what came next. "I love you Ali, I know it's crazy, but I do. I love you so much, I know you may not love me, but I wanted you to know how I feel about you"

After that message, our chats really started heating up. I knew things were going to a different level when he would start taking time to write me sweet nothings and fax them to me while he was at work. Things were picking up. It was everything a couple would feel. But through a plastic piece of junk that was made to make phone calls with, not start relationships with. Our relationship was certainly unconventional. No, really we were not a couple, but we were something. I don't know what. But he often would use the word couple, so I went with it.

Looking back, nowadays people do the same thing. Build partnerships online before even meeting. Ironic. But that was us. We were getting serious. So serious that not only would we chat daily, he would write me THE MOST beautiful letters and tell me how he was excited for what the future holds with us. HOLY CRAP AGAIN.

Shouldn't we like, meet or something I thought? We were so in deep, that there had to be another route to take. I loved him, he loved me, we had to get together. Now, truth be told, I have no idea what Ryan was actually doing or who he was doing when he hung up the phone with me. He could say the same about me. But it was never a question when it came to us. We felt how we felt and it was undeniable. He made time for me so I figured he deemed me important enough in his life for him to do that.

We discussed meeting. Well, I let Mr. World Traveler handle that stuff. I was just a little, inexperienced Jewish Girl who, though mastered taking the mass transit into NYC every weekend, could not figure out how to book a ticket anywhere outside of my area. He guided me what I should do and so I did.

When should we meet? Ryan suggested New Years Eve. WAIT, HOLD UP. New Year's Eve?

Shit, that's some real serious hook-up right there I thought.

In all reality, that would be one week to the day we first spoke, one year ago. Think about it. ONE YEAR day in day out on the phone and never having met.

I was super excited. But super nervous. The plan was that I would take the train into DC (Where he worked) and he would pick me up. I would stay overnight (SAY WHAT?! IN HIS BED?) at his place for the Holiday, and then depart the next evening. OK. So that gives us 24hrs together.

Ryan, made special arrangements that were to include an evening at the Hard Rock Cafe in Washington DC to celebrate the New Year. I thought that was VERY generous of him and very special for me. I was so excited to see him I couldn't handle it. I packed up my bag and off I went. I sat on the train thinking "WHAT IN THE WORLD am I doing?" Going to see some Guy, sleep at his place and trust him with my life to not kill me. Some GUY that I met through a party line. GIRL you have some mega virgin guts to go through with this. What the hell I thought.

The train pulls up and I am basically a nervous wreck. I also had to pee. I held it in so long because once I opened the bathroom door on the train, not only was pee all over the place, vomit was just about to be from looking at it all. My vomit. I prayed Ryan had a cleaner bathroom and that he lived close enough from the train station because girlfriend was about to pee in her pants.

How do I find him? I mean, I have that one picture and I am supposed to find him in a sea of people in the train station. God help me now!

I have no idea who I am looking for. I take out a piece of paper with his cell phone number and go to a phone and dial him up. He asks where I am, I told him I am on the pay phone at the station. He said go to the Mobile Sign at so and so location and he will come get me. Ok, here we go.

I find the massive hanging mobile sign from the ceiling. I stand there like I just came to Ellis Island and have no clue what I am doing. Looking around in every direction for someone I don't even know. Swarms of people surrounding me, all I wanted was My Ryan to come get me. AND FAST!
HOLY CRAP. Here comes some 20-something year old looking Hottie in a gorgeous dress suit. NAH, that can't be him. But why is his smile so huge and WHY oh WHY is this 20-something year old Hottie staring me down.

Umm FREAK me out why don't you Mr. Hottie.

Oh...wait a second. Could it be him? HOLY CRAP, well as he gets closer, I think...YES, I REALLY THINK it's him! How do I know? Well shit, he's walking towards me, smile as big as the entire state of New Jersey and he can't take his eyes off of me. His really gorgeous Blue Eyes. FOR REAL. When I say Blue, I mean BLUE. He knows it, I know it. Let's get to it Baby!

So this "Guy" doesn't even say ONE word to me. NOT one. WTF? He GRABS me like a rag doll and shoves his tongue down my throat.

UMMM MORE PLEASE! I'll take a double of that, Mr. Hottie! Hit me up!

Yes, it was My Ryan after all. I'm all in! But first things first, I GOTTA PEE!

He grabs my bags and tells me he wants to take me to bed. No, just kidding! He walks me out to his Truck, an old blue Truck that is super cute. He tosses my bag inside, helps me up to my seat and in we go. He can't stop looking at me. Uhmm Mr. Hottie, please keep your eyes on the road, not me. OK, OK, you can look at me, the road isn't as adorable as I can be when I get all giddy.

His hand rests on my thigh as we drive to....I have NO effing clue. Some town in Virginia. Eh, isn't Virginia like some weird backwards state? At least that 22 year old naive Jersey Girl thought so. Do I need to break out the suspenders and toss my Louis Vuitton to the curb and stick a piece of hay between my teeth? Hope the locks in his house worked. We pull up to his townhouse and in we go.

I strip down and lay naked on the bed...JUST KIDDING. Hold up, be calm, don't rush this...it gets good. In time. Like 15 years later. I'll get to that! I know you are aching to hear about it.

After showing me around his home, which was lovely, and very clean. He had told me he tidied up for me. He sits me down on his couch, we exchange holiday gifts and then I was to change for our evening out. Since he was already in a suit, he was good to go. So deliciously handsome I wanted to eat him up. He smelled so good. Eternity for Men. I'll take this Man for Eternity Mr. Priest. I mean Mr. Rabbi I thought. Just right after I have my way with him. Priorities ladies, priorities!

Well, we went to Hard Rock, and then back to his place. I'll skip Hard Rock since he wanted to leave early.

Before going back to his home, Ryan takes me to the Supermarket to get some snacks for the two of us. I don't remember what we bought. I did buy a cucumber though. NO NO NO not for THAT hole, for my mouth hole! I LOVE to eat cucumbers. Though, on second thought....oh stop, there you go with that dirty mind of yours!

We came back, changed into our comfy sleepwear, talked in quiet for awhile at which time he decided we were going to sleep on the living room floor instead of the bed. WHAT THE WHAT? I wanna go to bed dammit. TAKE ME THERE Ryan! TAKE ME TO BED I thought!

Anyway, AWESOME. Par-tay on the floor! After so sweetly making up the bed (on the floor, which he made so wonderful for us) He puts on a movie. Lit a candle, turned the lights off and hits play... Forrest Gump. This Hottie knows his stuff. He doesn't have to butter me up.

He told me to lay down and I did. He pulled me so tightly to him. Again, like a rag doll. Ryan was a pretty built Guy. Very solid and though I could have cared less what he looked or felt like, he had a grip, that I would never forget, even to this day. It was a very strong, but also gentle grip. You just get engulfed in his arms. Standing so much taller, than my 5'1 frame, it's easy for a man to wrap his body around me. At Ryan's 6 foot frame he empowers me. That's why I like taking control of him sometimes. I like to sit on his lap, or have him sit down while I stand. But hey, laying down together is even better.

With his arms wrapped around me, we started kissing. HOLY CRAP his kisses rocked my world. He would slide his tongue deeply and softly in and out of my mouth as continued to hold me close. He was gentle with me, but knew when to work it. He always, always, always put me first and made sure I was comfortable and that I was not doing something I did not want to. He never went beyond where I was comfortable.

This boy ran around the block and back so-to-speak. Thankfully I was the dead-end- at the moment.

Laying in his arms, feeling so safe, so at ease, his soft kisses, his quiet laughs, the TV turned way down, lights off and those first moments of being together after a year of talking on the phone was heaven. I remember snuggling up to him and drifting in and out of a state of pleasure. Ryan used to laugh that I would fall asleep on the phone with him (literally) and here we finally are. Arm in arm and sleeping together. It only took one year.

I will never forget those moments. Though as the years went on, I had to hold onto them even tighter as memories can begin to fade.

Just being near Ryan got me so hot and wet, but my darn period had me held up. God, what are you doing to me? Maxi-pads and panties on a night like this? Eff my life. He had non-stop talked about eating my pussy and making me feel good for one long year, and now the day I am with him, I am out of commission. God, you are a twisted God!

I climbed on top of him, with dripping wet panties and maxi-pad to boot, and I straddled him and literally with full force, In one quick swoop, I took off his shirt. THIS WAS GETTING GOOD! As I ran my hands up his hard chest. LIKE ROCK SOLID hard. His hands reached to cup my very large breasts over my nightshirt. I leaned down to kiss his lips and whisper in his ear "I love you" he kissed back even deeper and said "I love you Ali" I sat on him as we looked at each other....without warning and without speaking, I then shimmied my big girl curves down his strong legs and pulled down his boxers. Smiley face ones. HAWT! Out came his cock and into my mouth it went. OK, not much to say here, it lasted like a hot three minutes. I sucked, he came. Goodnight. We fell asleep to the Forrest Gump ending credits. Super Romantic!

To this day, every time Forrest Gump is on, or I hear the Love theme for the movie, I think of that night with Ryan. It will forever be associated for me. Not a lie. Forrest Gump = Ryan.

Lollipops = Ryan. Oh wait, I'm getting way off track now....

Don't be so disappointed in the 3 minute Blow Job Peeps. Please. Don't look into that too much. He was super hot and horny and well, wouldn't you struggle with holding out the first time together after speaking on the phone for a year? ONE YEAR of hot phone sex or just "sex" as we used to call it - and now we are together and "The Shot Heard 'Round The World" was more like a rapid fire release from an M-16.

I'll get to the juicy stuff in time. Patience. It takes patience. And time. A SHIT LOAD of time.

Yes, brace yourself for the XXX version of Jewish Princess meets Hottie Catholic. In theaters soon. Wouldn't it be fantabulous in 3D?

or 40DD? Like my Breasts!

Next morning, as the Sun woke me up. I felt something on my thigh. No, it wasn't a Tarantula, It was his hand. He was fast asleep with his hand on my thigh, mmmm his big, thick hands....I'm slipping again. Back to waking up. So his hand was on my thigh and his head nuzzled into the back of my neck. I gently took his hand off of me and got up to get showered and dressed. When I came back to the living room he was on the floor still. I lay down next to him and we chatted for awhile as he held me tight. He never really took his eyes off me while we spoke. I liked that.

In all the time we were in each other's company, we not once discussed the party line hook up. Which actually made it way more comfortable.

Ryan excused himself and showered and changed. Looking back, I should have waited outside the shower with a Towel to rub him down. I mean get him off. DAMMIT I mean DRY HIM OFF. I should have done something to get my hands on that delicious tush of his. Kisses, Tongue, Teeth, Lips, Fingers - MMMmmmm how they love that tush of his.

I was having such a great time with him. I think he was having a good time too. He took me all around DC. We went to the Arlington Cemetery, The Lincoln Memorial, grabbed lunch at Subway and sat on a park bench by the water. We kissed a lot. Held hands a lot. Hugged a lot. It was really nice. Ryan made sure I was having a good time. We would take long, slow walks to different points of interest and he would stop short and grab me, hold me and give me a kiss on the lips. It was very sweet. He would wrap me in his arms and jacket to keep me warm in the bitter cold. He was very good to me during our short time together.

I was starting to get emotional. Our time was winding down. I had to be on the train and back home to NJ. The entire time together was just a wonderful time. Ryan was all that I expected and more. He was very accommodating to my desires and looking out to make sure I was having a good time. He made sure I was safe. He even called my Mother the night I arrived and told her not to worry that he would take good care of me. He made sure he purchased any food and drinks I wanted beforehand, made sure I had all I wanted to be comfortable.

We were approaching the Train Station. Major tears overflow about to happen. He pulled into a parking spot and I started crying. Like REALLY crying. So hard that snot was rushing out of my nose, he had to give me his winter gloves to wipe my nose with. COME ON LADIES, THAT right THERE is some awesome stuff.

He held me and told me to not cry that we would see each other soon. Well, that didn't help because I still cried..and cried...and cried....He took my face in his hands, wiped my tears with his fingers and said that we would see each other on his Birthday. Which was only a couple of months away. He dried my tears and into the station we went. I told him he didn't have to wait with me and he said he was going to see me off and not leave me alone in there. I finally stopped crying and decided it is what it is. It's time to go.

We walked the shops in the station hand in hand. Enjoying the final moments we had together. We got a slice of Pizza, sat down, chatted, had some laughs and as the time started ticking, he said we needed to get to my gate. Ryan sat down on a chair and motioned for me to sit down next to him.

He crossed his long legs and all of a sudden became silent. Ryan wasn't really silent most the time I was with him. So I could tell he was in deep thought.

I rested my elbow on his leg and faced him. I remember I had my hair in a ponytail and small silver and diamond dangle earrings and the Star of David necklace he gave me. He turned to me and said I looked "really cute today" He had no smile though. But I saw something else. His eyes were wet. Like BARELY wet, but wet. Enough wetness that I could see what looked like a tear wanting to drop out, but wouldn't. I asked him what was wrong. I told him it looked like he had a tear in his eye. He looked at me and all he said was "I had such a great time with you. I'm going to miss you. I take that back, you don't look cute. You look Beautiful" That was really the last thing he said to me.

Time to board the train. I gave him a hug and a kiss and he again, told me to not cry and that we will see each other on his Birthday. I thanked him for a lovely time and walked to the platform. He waited for me to get on the train. I took one step up, then something made me turn around. I will NEVER EVER forget THIS moment. I did so, and Ryan was still standing there in the distance, arm against the wall, watching every move I made. With one hand on the handle to lift myself into the train, I mouthed "I love you" to him. Ryan locked eyes with me and mouthed "I love you too" back. I swear I heard "Don't cry" too. But I wasn't sure. Into the train I went, never to see him again.

From Phil Collins "Can't Stop Loving You"

So you're leaving in the morning on the early train

I could say everything's alright

And I could pretend and say goodbye

Got your ticket

Got your suitcase

Got your leaving smile

I could say that's the way it goes

And I could pretend and you won't know

That I was lying

I saw you walk across the road

For maybe the last time I don't know

Feeling humble

I heard a rumble

On the railway track

And when I hear that whistle blow

I'll walk away and you won't know

That I'll be crying



What I would come to learn in time was that Ryan never rushes. He makes sure you are safe before he leaves you. He does it very subtly. He is quite chivalrous in his own way. He may show a tough exterior and may come across distant to some (maybe, just a presumption) but what's inside of him, is someone that just wants compassion in people and likes to return that. He pays it forward in his own way. Ryan doesn't mince words and he doesn't mince actions. It's one way or the other. Which can be a good or bad thing. I've learned it can be both.

What I thought I knew in Ryan, I really didn't. Because I wouldn't see Ryan again for almost 15 years.

When I got home, I was over the moon. I couldn't wait to talk to him.

But I never heard from him.

I was heartbroken.

No message on my machine to greet me home either.

It took two weeks for him to call me. He said he was overseas. That hurt me because he would call me from any country he was at. I also wasn't happy because I thought he would want to make sure I was home safely. I got into Newark Terminal in the dark, evening hours and decided to take a Taxi home rather than call a Friend. That worried me that he didn't call that night to check on me. It was very unlike Ryan. At the time. Something was not right. I would later learn a pattern he seemed to have with our communication.

Eventually we picked back up and chatted like usual. But, his Birthday was nearing and there was no discussion about getting together. We never did. Time went right by and we slowly lost what once was. He made me a promise that we would be together on that special day of his. But we just drifted apart. We would talk once or twice a week. We would have "date night" where we would watch a movie on the phone together. But he started getting really busy with work and our times on the phone were dwindling. One day, I received a letter in the mail from him. He said that we can remain friends, but his life was getting really overwhelming. I didn't understand. This man was all over me and now he can't find time for me. I think he wanted to be in control of us and how we took this. I think he wasn't attracted to me and I was just not his type after meeting me.

That's sad to think that, but something told me this was his nice way of telling me.

It's now 1999 and we continue to talk. But we were doing our own thing. I started dating again. He still would send me letters and remain close, but not like it was the year before. He just seemed disinterested in me after we met. I think I was moving in on him faster than he wanted, though deep down I think he truly wanted it...just not with me. I wasn't what he wanted after all.

I took it personally, of course. But at the same time, he would tell me he was jealous of my new boyfriend(s) I never understood what he meant. He would make comments like "I really don't like that you are seeing so and so, but I can't stop you" or "I'm jealous."

He didn't want me. He didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want me to be with another man.

It was terribly frustrating.

I didn't know what he wanted from me in that way. He was none to happy the following year when I told him I was spending New Year's with my new Beau. "You're spending New Years with him? Kinda upsets me, feel like it is our time of the year" But yet, he didn't want to be with me obviously. He would call me back after hanging up and say "I can't think about you with another man Ali, why are you going to see him? Ok, fine! If you are happy that's good" I just shook it off because we were going in circles.

I was so confused! Who wouldn't be?! I didn't know what he wanted from me. I wanted to be with him, but he didn't want to be with me, but on the other hand, he, in his own words "wasn't happy" that I was seeing other people but "as long as I was happy, he was happy" Uhm, I want to be with YOU silly I would say. I wanted to do a facepalm in front of him. I would tell him that he already made it clear that he didn't want anything to come of us and yet he kept saying things that would contradict it.

Why cause all this up and down with feelings if you don't want to be with me, I thought? I couldn't hang on. I didn't know what he wanted out of us. He loved me, maybe. He didn't want me to be with him, but he still cared for me and didn't want to know about my new relationships. The frustration went on for awhile. I think he thought by finalizing us and cornering us to Friendship status would be the best thing for us. Or so that was his opinion on the matter. I think he needed to enjoy the fruits of being single, he wasn't 100% into me and it all worked out for him in the end. He's happy now and so fate lead him that happiness.

Our ships eventually sailed. I let it go. I had to. I couldn't figure what he wanted from me, I never would get an answer, even to this day and so I decided to just move on with my new Beau, my life and my future.

The year 2000 comes and our talks lessened even more. Until one day it stopped altogether. I moved on, he moved on. But I thought about him all the time. I still loved him. I don't really know to this day if he loved me like he said he did, or if he just wanted to feel that love again with someone after his prior breakup, and it was easy because I was not in his presence. He could deal with me when he wanted to. Maybe the Phone Sex was just so good that he didn't want that to end but that was the only thing he wanted. I have no idea.

Maybe it was just easy for him. I like to believe that whatever it was we had, was truly just something special.

Though we cannot define our history, and by saying "Friends" solely goes against what we had. Maybe it's possible that because it was all on the phone, it was "make believe" in the end. If that's the case, pinch me cuz Girlfren' here ain't buying that. Stacks of romantic love letters, post cards, hundreds of hours of talk, inclusive of future musings, gifts, a million "I love you's" etc... - I have a bridge to sell you if you buy into that. Bottom line is, he felt something over the plastic piece of junk, but then we met, he deemed me not for him, phone sex can continue, friendship can be had and so it goes. Lines were crossed so-to-speak.

I dated often until I married. I moved around and while these men I dated came in and out of my life, I could not forget Ryan. It was just a kismet that we were brought together. And now I lost him. I didn't know what was going on with Ryan. I later learned we both started dating our future spouses around the same time frame. So it was really only less than a two years after we stopped talking that we fully moved on to do our own thing.

I never spoke with Ryan again until the year 2003. Three year Gap. I still can't believe it.

I had moved 3,000 miles away to Washington State to be with my now Husband. The Internet was in full-swing. Though I had no contact information for Ryan through 2000-2003, I decided to see if I could find him online. I did. Back in the day all the Internet providers had their users make profiles. Including name and location and age and hobbies and such. It didn't take long for me to find Ryan. I looked him up via his first and last name and found him. I wrote him. I don't remember what I said, but I heard back from him. He asked me if I would call him. He gave me his number and at some point that week, I dialed him up. I can't recall at the time, but I must have loved hearing his voice for the first time in years. I imagine he felt the same.
It was like old times. I loved talking to him. We caught up on what was going on. He was living a busy life with his Wife and 3 step-children. I was shocked because he used to tell me he did not even want children. I thought WOW, this guy has his hands full. We ended up speaking a fair amount of time every week or so.

By mid 2004 the calls stopped. Once again, we lost touch. But it wasn't until the summer of 2004 that I would receive a call from him while I was living in South Korea as my Husband was stationed there. Ryan did not know I was overseas since we had another gap between communication. He did not know that I didn't use my cell phone. I had no service. However, I could check my voice mail by dialing my number. One day, there was a message from Ryan. He was raging mad. He demanded I call him. He sounded very upset. He said he wanted to hear my voice, he missed me and he wanted to talk. He didn't care who was listening to the message. He didn't care if my now Husband heard the message, that I should call him back. He sounded so emotional that I thought he was about to cry. I had no idea what that was about and I never heard Ryan such a wreck. He never spoke like that to me. To this day I cannot forget that voicemail. He never let out what made him go crazy on me. Other than I know he really wanted to hear from me.

I called him back from Korea and told him I was overseas. I asked him why he was going crazy with the message he left. He simply stated he wanted to hear my voice. While my Man was in the other room, knowing I was on the phone with Ryan, I calmed him down and told him that I would call him when I get back to the states. We hung up.

Once again, we stopped talking until late 2005.

We picked up our communication... Not all the time, but here and there. I had just relocated again as my Husband was now at a different military station. Our talks always were good. We would have phone sex now and then and we just seemed so connected. It was as if we just couldn't stop what we knew we had. Whatever it is we had. I have no clue.

By 2006 our talks were coming to a close again. We lost contact. I missed him so much, but his numbers changed and he no longer used the email address I had. I was so sad. He never called me, even though he had my cell number. I just didn't have his. I figured that was the end of that.

I looked for him briefly in 2007, but couldn't find anyway to reach him. It was making me sad that I just had no way to get a hold of him. I looked often but I was out of luck. God, I missed him. It was really difficult knowing I may never speak with him again. But I was really happy for him that he had a good life going for him and a family now. That much, I knew.

Time went by and we reconnected in 2008 and I just simply do not recall how we connected, but we did. This time we were in full throttle..

He was stationed overseas in Iraq with his job. We picked it up again. We wrote emails every single day. We chatted non-stop via email. When there were days that I didn't write him, he would get very upset with me. I still loved Ryan, but it was harder to navigate any feelings because we were both in different worlds, leading our own lives with our families. We were friendly and close and often talked about our past. I think there was just something between us that could not be defined. We were friends, no doubt. But there was always some intensity behind our chats. It was personal. We carried on and all the while he was Married and I was Married. Below the surface of naughty talks, phone sex and fantasies, without sounding overly corny, that candle he lit on the night we met in 1997 still burned.

I think we figured that there was no harm in chatting. We were not having sex, we were fully involved with our Spouses and we just enjoyed each other's company on the phone and via email. I think deep down, we were both not thrilled with our lives at the time. We managed with our partners, made the best of it. We started getting more personal all over again. He was not so happy in his Marriage, I was not in mine, but we were there for each other. It was not a romantic connection like it was years before, but we still had our chemistry. And yes, I still loved him.

From 2009-2010 we chatted periodically. It was not a lot, but we touched base with each other and still found some time to chat. On the rare occasion we would have phone sex. But that was very few and far between. Between 2009-2010 we pretty much spoke a couple of times a year. He would always wish me a Happy Birthday and maybe swap a few emails catching up with one another.

In 2011 our talks really went all out. We talked on the phone, and wrote emails back and forth non-stop. But now, it was getting really intense. We would sometimes send emails all day long. At any given day, we could have sent 50 emails back and forth. We had a serious connection. But really we mostly bull-shitted. It helped him pass his slow days at work, and on my end, kept me excited to hear from him. We had phone sex here and there, and we had what I guess is e-mail sex. A LOT of e-mail sex. A LOT A LOT A LOT of e-mail sex.

We constantly talked dirty to one another. Constantly talked about each other and being together intimately. I was not 22 anymore. I was much more Mature, much more experienced and much more open to things. I was no longer that innocent young lady. I had a Husband, A Step-son I was raising and a house to take care of. Ryan had a Daughter with his Wife and still had to care for the three step-children, 2 of which were now out on their own. We had busy lives but time was different. We now made that time for one another to swap emails and chat about this and that. A lot of sexual talk and that was starting to build up more and more. It was like a drug all over again. The only difference between our talks now and back in the late 90's was the emotional connection was cut off because of our Marriages.

He kept himself busy with his home-life and work, as I did too, we had our own lives after all. But it was undeniable that underneath it all, we still cared very much for one another in a way that nobody could ever understand. If you were to ask me now if that candle was still burning. I would say yes. If you asked him, he would say no.

We remained friendly and I think he really protected me in his own way. Ryan and I didn't really come from two different worlds. We were the same in a lot of way. We both fed off of each other. Maybe it was just fun for him to talk to me and that was it. But nonetheless we were really connecting on a whole new level. Our sexual chemistry was out of this world. But the history behind it made it really special. Way fun, but with a more legitimate feeling behind it all.

The most ironic part about all of this, is that I was now living in his State. Yeah you got that right, backward Virginia. Well no not really, it wasn't like that 22 year old thought it was.

How in the WORLD could I possibly end up in the same State as him? Next County over. Within a 30 minute radius from one other? It still blows my mind as I write this.

We started discussing meeting. It was hard for me to swallow. I had thought about Ryan for so many years. Years ago, he once asked me how I pictured us meeting up. I never thought it would happen so I just let it go. But now it was getting real. Over the years he had sent me via email, many pictures of him, so I knew how what he looked like since back in the day. Of course he was always as Handsome as ever. I could really care less, it was the Man I knew that I had always been drawn to.

Ryan and I rarely had disagreements over the years. We never really had a big blow up fight either. Maybe one or two tiny ones here and there. We had our sorrows with one another and maybe a riff now and then but it always blew over. Ryan was fairly well at communicating with me even during troubled times. We were open and we held no judgments towards one another. We were pretty solid. I felt confident that I was ready to see him. I dreamed of it so long that I was in complete shock that it was going to happen.

There is no denying I am much more sentimental and reminiscent about things like this than he is. I felt deeper, I felt that our years knowing one another were to be ear-marked. I am a Woman, I remember dates, times, events and anything that means something truly remarkable to me. Ryan in my life, was no exception.

Every time we slipped away in contact, I missed him so much. I missed his voice....where it all began.

Ryan and I started getting more serious about meeting up. Not saying that this was such a dramatic issue, but it definitely was sexciting. I mean exciting. I could tell he was super happy about it too. The last time we REALLY discussed meeting up again was back in 2008 while he was in Iraq. But it was just a few tossed words here and there. I think he did take it seriously, but I think because I am just more emotional, I took it up a notch. I really do enjoy taking in the years I have known him. I like to savour it. Though there were some troubled times for us, and between us, we seemed to never be able to say goodbye to one another. Even though, the weight of our relationship was based on never seeing each other. One might think it's no big deal to cut someone off, but this was a mind-blowing time capsule that was nearing 15 years. Not so easy to do after all. As I will explain shortly.

We were in major sexual mode at this point in our discussions of reuniting. I had to take a step back and remind him that we were both Married and that getting together should be based on just wanting to see each other and to not go solely on our physical wants. I think he knew that and understood it. But of course he wanted a grab here and a grab there. And who am I kidding? I wanted it too. But it was so very long ago that we saw each other that though we both orchestrated thoughts of how we would spend our time, you can never really know how it will play out until that time comes. Ryan and I love working our fantasies with one another. We do it all the time. It's fun, it's exciting and the connection is obvious. So when you think about it, you build and build and build these emotions that are about to explode so when two people are on the same page, it's a recipe for getting carried away.

Ryan and I could talk about anything explicitly. He most definitely knows about me that way. He knows how I react to things. What I like, don't like. Etc. So we are not shy with one another. After all we have had phone sex a Thousand times!

I told Ryan no tongue if he kisses me. I told him he can maybe take a quick grab of my body to feel it. I had all these boundaries. He had this many: NONE. In fact Mr. Hottie welcomed me to do WHATEVER I wanted when I saw him. So here we are. Ryan telling me do as I please, and me, telling him that he can do this, but can't do that. Can't do this, but can do that. He got it, I never had to repeat it twice. Though of course I did. He said he would take whatever he can get. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Am I Pinata and you run for whatever treats just fall out because it's there, or do you slam that mother effer hard because you want something special from it? Kinda how I felt with that remark he made. But I didn't ask him what he meant.

Sometimes I had to read between the lines with him. It was a different time.

I warned Ryan that I did not look the same. Well duh, I was older. But I also was even heavier than I was when he first saw me. I had gained quite a bit of weight, mostly due to health issues that I struggled with. I still looked young, I still had long, curly hair, but I definitely was a big girl in a short frame. I knew he didn't care about that, but I wanted him to really understand. It's not like he didn't know. Over the years it wasn't as if I didn't tell him, but reality was setting in and I didn't want him to be shocked.

It was such a long time ago that we both couldn't possibly remember everything about one another looks wise. Yes, we saw pictures but we were both older and people change. It was in a way like meeting for the first time. Erasing that encounter in 1998 and starting fresh.

Before meeting, we once again ironed out the boundaries. I don't know what or who or whatever Ryan does outside of what I know between him and I. Of course his Wife too. But I knew what I was about and I had never strayed. I also knew that if there was one person in the World that I would stray with - it was Ryan. Just read this entire story from the beginning if you can't figure out why I would do so with him. I had zero doubt about doing so with him. It was not even a question. Does that make this immoral? Well, yes. Do I care? No. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. There was a dotted line when it came to me. I was the solid line and my Husband was on the Left side, and Ryan on the Right side. I could pass as I please because I was in control of myself. I could do what I wanted. And I wanted to do so with Ryan. Do I have any guilt of what I was about to do? NO. I have been wanting to leave my marriage and though this doesn't make it right, I just didn't have much care. I waited a long time to touch Ryan and I wasn't going to pass it up. How did he feel? I have no clue. We just didn't talk about it. I have my ideas, but I didn't think they needed to be disclosed. We just approached it the way we wanted to. There was no denying that there were going to be some lines crossed when we met up.



From Elton John's "Original Sin"



I can't eat, can't sleep

Still I hunger for you when you look at me

That face, those eyes

All the sinful pleasures deep inside

Tell me how, you know now, the ways and means of getting in

Underneath my skin,

Oh you were always my original sin

And tell me why, I shudder inside, every time we begin

This dangerous game

Oh you were always my original sin



Have you ever had day dreams that you wished would come true but never did? Yeah, me too!

Every inch of me was so excited to see Ryan that I started tripping over my own words when we would speak. Meaning, he had me tongue-tied (yum) with thoughts of seeing one another. Like I said earlier, Ryan and I are VERY visual with our thoughts with one another. Ryan loves details, and I enjoy telling him the same.

It's Mid-September. We decided this was the time we were going to reunite. We thought we should just play it by ear. Times are different, remember, we are now living in the same state, within a 30 mile radius of one another, so it was much easier to just meet up when it was good with both of our schedules. It was a short, 15 minute drive if we met in the middle. Super amazing now that I think about that! 15 minutes now separated us after 15 years.

Again, I am WAY more into all the little details than he is. And that's perfectly fine with me! Women can tend to be like that. We just really like to take it all in and enjoy every aspect of something when it's something special. It doesn't make us nuts or have loose screws. It just means we take to heart the wonderfulness of it all.

I thought how amazing it would be to touch him for the first time. To hold him. To kiss him. To look at him. To hear his voice in person. To feel his feel on me. His hands on me. I waited so long for that moment. I just wanted to embrace him. I was so terrified that I would be a hysterical wreck all over again and cry my eyes out. I told him I was forewarning him that I may cry and he was of course welcoming of me being however I felt at that moment and he said he wouldn't care or be uncomfortable if I started balling. I mean really, if I am going to cry over him, over us, reuniting and all of that, HE is the one that I want to cry to. It's about us after all.

It was a Thursday. September 22nd. Ryan typically woke me up with morning messages. Most days. Not everyday but most. So when I woke up and got a moment to check my email, there was a morning message from him. I wrote him back and we swapped a couple of emails. I then went to go shower and get ready for my day.

As I was showering, I realized that we were both getting super anxious over getting together, so I thought about my schedule for that day and realized the only really pending thing I had at the moment was to have Lunch with a Girlfriend. The rest of the day was filler with errands and returns.

When I got out of the shower. I said to myself. NOW. It's time. NOW.

I quickly wrote him an email asking if he would be free to get together. He said he could be wherever I wanted him to be whenever I was ready.

Done deal.

We were to meet up.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

I wasn't planning on this emotionally. It was completely a last minute thought I had. I didn't truly believe that today was the day.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

I fixed myself up a little and all the history of us came flashing before my eyes. It was like in the movies, when you see someone standing there and they have those streams of lights passing by as the person goes through a wind-tunnel of past events.

I was numb.

Neither of us planned that today was the day. It was all on me when I sent him that email asking if he was free - last minute.

He asked where we should meet. I told him at the Burger King Parking Lot at so and so location. I gave him directions and we set the time for about 1:30. He had about an hour. I thought that was plenty of time for a first (second) encounter. Of course I would have liked the entire day!!! But it was not happening and would never happen. So his Lunch hour was perfect.

I got in the car, left my home and drove off to see Ryan. I waited forever for this day.

INTRO: From Bon Jovi: "You Want To Make A Memory"

Hello again, it's you and me

Kinda always like it used to be

Sippin' wine, killin' time

Tryin' to solve life's mysteries

How's your life? It's been a while

God it's good to see you smile

I see you reachin' for your keys

Lookin' for a reason not to leave

If you don't know if you should stay

If you don't say what's on your mind

Baby just breathe

There's nowhere else tonight we should be

You wanna make a memory?

You wanna steal a piece of time?

You can sing the melody to me

And I can write a couple lines



***********Part 2 Coming******************