Chapter 19
It was Friday before the big game, coach was talking about how it's good to make first impressions and we should win tonight. With number 5 on my back, I was proud to be on the field.
Coach had me bat first to make the other team nervous. I hit the ball out of the park and the crowd went wild. I got the first home run of the season and I was excited. Throughout, the night we kept the lead thanks to Aaron for striking out some of the players and for me scoring home runs for the team. We won the game and went back to the locker room, everyone kept telling me good game and nice job.
My life felt perfect until Mikey got jealous of me and started calling me names. He started calling me out for being gay, and how he should change in a different locker room because he would get aroused by us changing.
I decided to ignore him and leave with all my gear on, not letting him get to me because he was not worth it. Saturday hit and I had to go see Dr. Logan. We discussed how I was a part of the baseball team and that we won our first game.
He was so proud of how much progress I've made. So in this meeting, he didn't want to talk about my anger. He wanted me to have a day where I can feel relaxed and not stress out. However, after my meeting, it was time for a podcast. I named this one, Victory.
Hey, by now you should understand why I am doing this. If not, you shouldn't be listening to this. But I want you to know that there are lights at the end of the dark tunnel, you just got to choose the fastest way to get through them.
I couldn't believe that after my game Friday night. Everyone chanted for me and didn't care about the video or me being gay. They looked beside that and saw me as a person. I know that everyone goes through rough times, but I have been at the lowest point. I have tried to kill myself.
As you can see it was a failed attempt, but I'm glad it was because I can share my story with you. Tonight, this podcast is for the kids who get left behind, who never get a chance to speak their minds, and who never can be popular.
After I finished with the podcast, I saw that thirty people saw it. I couldn't believe that I actually had listeners. The whole month of April we won every single game. Aaron was still mad at me though, but we had a little conversation during each practice.
We made it to the championship game and I couldn't believe it. At the night of championship, everyone came out to see us. Coach told us how proud he was of us for making it this far. He wished us luck on tonight's game and we left the locker room with Go Jaguars!
Our team was batting first, so I stepped up to the plate first and the crowd screamed my name. I hit the ball out of the park again and everyone cheered. We got to halftime of the game and the score was 10 to 3. Coach knew we were going to win and he said we did a nice job.
We got back out to the field and I went up to bat again, but this time was not like any of them. In the distance I could hear a faint voice over the intercom.
It was me, then I knew what it was. It was the video of me at the party. Then the video played on the big screen and everyone at the game saw me. Saw what I was, correction what I am.
Finally, they pulled the video off the big screen and told us to play ball, but the crowd was different and especially, I was different. I couldn't do this and I ran off the field. Coach put another player in to replace me while he went to talk to me.
He told me that it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game. All I could think about was everyone saw me naked, drunk and stupid. That's all they're gonna think of me. After a few pep talks and inspiring quotes, I practiced my exercises of breathe in and breathe out, then I was ready.
I walked out and saw it was the last inning and we were one hit away from winning the game, all I had to do was hit the ball. The team threw the ball and I heard strike one, then strike two.
I felt everyone's eyes on me and I knew it was up to me. I looked the pitcher straight in the eye and I got ready. He threw the ball and I swung and I heard words that never meant anything to me, "You're out."
Chapter 20
The last month of school was especially hard. No one talked to me, but everyone stared. I felt so bad and alone that I was not thinking clearly again. During my meetings with Dr. Logan, I would become very hostile and angry at him.
I don't know why though because he wasn't who I was mad at. We talked about me as a failure and how were my videos going. I haven't had any reasons to do them. As I got a yearbook, I thought about getting it signed, but I had no one to ask.
So I just hid in the bathroom, hoping that the day would be over. Summer began and I had no one to hang out with, all I saw was mom, dad, and Dr. Logan. Soon I began to stop seeing Dr. Logan because he wasn't helping, he made my problems worse.
It was a whole month since I've seen him or had contact with someone other than mom and dad. I began to cut my wrist, but when mom saw that. She dragged me to Dr. Logan and told me this is for your own good.
Dr. Logan suggested I stay at the hospital with him, so he could keep a close eye on me. Of course, I had a meltdown and they locked me in my room until I calmed down. I had a daily evaluation and medication that they forced me to take. I began to lose the bad thoughts and began to be less angry and happier.
Dr. Logan thought this would be a great time to talk about the party. I tried everything to avoid it, but we kept on talking about it. Finally, it was the topic we talked about.
The feeling I had before, during and after the party. Before and after were the two easiest to talk about, but during was so hard and confusing, I just shut down and stopped answering his questions.
When the doctors amped my medication, I began to feel like I had a purpose again and that the past didn't matter. I knew that I was angry, but I also knew that I wasn't leaving anytime soon until I became more stable.
I was released at the beginning of August, two weeks before school started and I saw my phone. It had so many texts about we should hang and we should talk, it was from Mikey.
I couldn't believe after all this time he texted me, but I decided to text him back and say sorry my phone has been broken. I just got a new one. Why do you wanna hang?
He replied with, I know that the end of the season was rough on you and our baseball team need to stick together. You are invited to this party, just the team and I. I promise there will be no alcohol. I thought that this is probably what I need to relax.
Also, since my parents decided that we shouldn't go to the lake house this year because I needed time to relax at home. I thought this would be a great opportunity to do so.
But I had a feeling that Mikey was up to something, but I didn't know what. The night of the hangout, I texted Aaron if he was going to the hangout and he said he was. So I felt safe with him at least at the hangout because I know he'll have my back.
I got there and of course, Mikey didn't keep his promise. There were bottles of beer all over the place and I just knew it smelled like trouble in his house. I turned around and decided to go back home when Mikey saw me and pulled me back into the house.
It was Friday before the big game, coach was talking about how it's good to make first impressions and we should win tonight. With number 5 on my back, I was proud to be on the field.
Coach had me bat first to make the other team nervous. I hit the ball out of the park and the crowd went wild. I got the first home run of the season and I was excited. Throughout, the night we kept the lead thanks to Aaron for striking out some of the players and for me scoring home runs for the team. We won the game and went back to the locker room, everyone kept telling me good game and nice job.
My life felt perfect until Mikey got jealous of me and started calling me names. He started calling me out for being gay, and how he should change in a different locker room because he would get aroused by us changing.
I decided to ignore him and leave with all my gear on, not letting him get to me because he was not worth it. Saturday hit and I had to go see Dr. Logan. We discussed how I was a part of the baseball team and that we won our first game.
He was so proud of how much progress I've made. So in this meeting, he didn't want to talk about my anger. He wanted me to have a day where I can feel relaxed and not stress out. However, after my meeting, it was time for a podcast. I named this one, Victory.
Hey, by now you should understand why I am doing this. If not, you shouldn't be listening to this. But I want you to know that there are lights at the end of the dark tunnel, you just got to choose the fastest way to get through them.
I couldn't believe that after my game Friday night. Everyone chanted for me and didn't care about the video or me being gay. They looked beside that and saw me as a person. I know that everyone goes through rough times, but I have been at the lowest point. I have tried to kill myself.
As you can see it was a failed attempt, but I'm glad it was because I can share my story with you. Tonight, this podcast is for the kids who get left behind, who never get a chance to speak their minds, and who never can be popular.
After I finished with the podcast, I saw that thirty people saw it. I couldn't believe that I actually had listeners. The whole month of April we won every single game. Aaron was still mad at me though, but we had a little conversation during each practice.
We made it to the championship game and I couldn't believe it. At the night of championship, everyone came out to see us. Coach told us how proud he was of us for making it this far. He wished us luck on tonight's game and we left the locker room with Go Jaguars!
Our team was batting first, so I stepped up to the plate first and the crowd screamed my name. I hit the ball out of the park again and everyone cheered. We got to halftime of the game and the score was 10 to 3. Coach knew we were going to win and he said we did a nice job.
We got back out to the field and I went up to bat again, but this time was not like any of them. In the distance I could hear a faint voice over the intercom.
It was me, then I knew what it was. It was the video of me at the party. Then the video played on the big screen and everyone at the game saw me. Saw what I was, correction what I am.
Finally, they pulled the video off the big screen and told us to play ball, but the crowd was different and especially, I was different. I couldn't do this and I ran off the field. Coach put another player in to replace me while he went to talk to me.
He told me that it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game. All I could think about was everyone saw me naked, drunk and stupid. That's all they're gonna think of me. After a few pep talks and inspiring quotes, I practiced my exercises of breathe in and breathe out, then I was ready.
I walked out and saw it was the last inning and we were one hit away from winning the game, all I had to do was hit the ball. The team threw the ball and I heard strike one, then strike two.
I felt everyone's eyes on me and I knew it was up to me. I looked the pitcher straight in the eye and I got ready. He threw the ball and I swung and I heard words that never meant anything to me, "You're out."
Chapter 20
The last month of school was especially hard. No one talked to me, but everyone stared. I felt so bad and alone that I was not thinking clearly again. During my meetings with Dr. Logan, I would become very hostile and angry at him.
I don't know why though because he wasn't who I was mad at. We talked about me as a failure and how were my videos going. I haven't had any reasons to do them. As I got a yearbook, I thought about getting it signed, but I had no one to ask.
So I just hid in the bathroom, hoping that the day would be over. Summer began and I had no one to hang out with, all I saw was mom, dad, and Dr. Logan. Soon I began to stop seeing Dr. Logan because he wasn't helping, he made my problems worse.
It was a whole month since I've seen him or had contact with someone other than mom and dad. I began to cut my wrist, but when mom saw that. She dragged me to Dr. Logan and told me this is for your own good.
Dr. Logan suggested I stay at the hospital with him, so he could keep a close eye on me. Of course, I had a meltdown and they locked me in my room until I calmed down. I had a daily evaluation and medication that they forced me to take. I began to lose the bad thoughts and began to be less angry and happier.
Dr. Logan thought this would be a great time to talk about the party. I tried everything to avoid it, but we kept on talking about it. Finally, it was the topic we talked about.
The feeling I had before, during and after the party. Before and after were the two easiest to talk about, but during was so hard and confusing, I just shut down and stopped answering his questions.
When the doctors amped my medication, I began to feel like I had a purpose again and that the past didn't matter. I knew that I was angry, but I also knew that I wasn't leaving anytime soon until I became more stable.
I was released at the beginning of August, two weeks before school started and I saw my phone. It had so many texts about we should hang and we should talk, it was from Mikey.
I couldn't believe after all this time he texted me, but I decided to text him back and say sorry my phone has been broken. I just got a new one. Why do you wanna hang?
He replied with, I know that the end of the season was rough on you and our baseball team need to stick together. You are invited to this party, just the team and I. I promise there will be no alcohol. I thought that this is probably what I need to relax.
Also, since my parents decided that we shouldn't go to the lake house this year because I needed time to relax at home. I thought this would be a great opportunity to do so.
But I had a feeling that Mikey was up to something, but I didn't know what. The night of the hangout, I texted Aaron if he was going to the hangout and he said he was. So I felt safe with him at least at the hangout because I know he'll have my back.
I got there and of course, Mikey didn't keep his promise. There were bottles of beer all over the place and I just knew it smelled like trouble in his house. I turned around and decided to go back home when Mikey saw me and pulled me back into the house.